My former best friend is moving away. Complicated history

[dirty ethel rackham]

A group of former homeschool moms are getting together this afternoon for a going away party for a friend (I'll call C) who is moving away in a week.  I have a lot of conflicted feelings about all of this due to a complicated history with her.   This person was my BFF for years ... we co-led lots of homeschool activities, we were workout buddies, business colleagues, etc.  We talked every day.  Then the relationship cooled for several reasons ...  We were no longer a good match for working out together ... she was getting stronger and I was breaking.  She stepped away from the business that she had encouraged me to join with her.  Then came K's illness and her revealing to DH and I that she felt she was transgender.    I was completely overwhelmed with the constant suicide watch, the revelations that the illness was much worse than we had though, dealing with her gender dysphoria and our own complicated feelings about this, all shoved underground in order to respect K's privacy.  I felt so terribly alone and C wasn't there for me.  I felt jealous that she was becoming very close to W.  Even though the 3 of us (C, W, and me) had many things we still did together, I definitely felt left out as they were pursuing some things together that didn't include me.  When I injured my ankle and was stuck at home for nearly 2 months ( unable to drive or leave the house unassisted,) C never visited (nobody did, but I was especially hurt that C didn't.) 

I have been working on getting past the hurt and working to accept that we just weren't going to be BFFs any more and I should not lump my hurt over that relationship with the global hurt I felt from everyone else in the world distancing themselves from me.  Things have been better, but we will never be as close as we were.  There have been times when she dropped everything to help me out of a bind.  If we had more time, I feel that we could have become much closer.

So, I am not done working through all my history with her, but here she is ... moving 2 thousand miles away.  I have to put on my "public face" and be at this luncheon in a very public place.  I want to be more authentic than that ... but I'm afraid that if I hint at how much this is affecting me and how much I miss her, and how sad I am that she is moving, I'm afraid that the dam will break and a tidal wave of emotion will come out, which will be humiliating, and only serve to make everyone back away from the crazy person.  

So, yesterday, I bought 2 cards.  One that I will give today that is cute and sweet.  And another that I will send to her after she moves that I plan to write a more heartfelt note.  (I'm just not in a head space to do this today or present it to her today ... I am barely making it through this note, which I am finding therapeutic to write.  I want to put a small gift inside the card for today, but a Starbuck's gift card just seems so generic.  I know that they are moving to the Pacific Northwest, but they don't have a place to move to yet.   I have 3 hours to get this together.  Ideas?  

Oh, and thanks for listening.

[Junie]

(((Ellen)))

[SKL]

I agree with two separate cards / messages.  Not sure which one I would do first.

For the personal private one - I would focus on the things you remember that you do appreciate, both before, during, and after your troubles.

It is impossible for me to say, but I wonder if, during your troubled times, you seemed to distance her for reasons she could not understand, or did not know how to deal with.  From an outsider, it sounds like your friendship was a victim of circumstance - that may not be anyone's fault.  She may have felt the loss as well, although she had different opportunities to fill the gap in her life.  That said, I would recommend being authentic but also loving in your message to your friend.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I love Starbucks gift cards. But since she will be setting up a new house- one for Target or Home Depot?  I think that even though gift cards in general seem less personal, I would want one since they are small and can be tucked in my purse. 

[Guest]

Hugs to you. I have been through a very similar situation (although my ex-friend is now pretty much an enemy); it is hard. For several years it was painful to me to watch my former best friend now buddy up with someone else, someone whom she used to “trash” betwren us. (She used to say this other person was so shallow, two-faced, articificial, unstable, snobby, etc.) It was a very conflicted feeling because on one hand, I recognized that she was not a good friend to me during a very terrible time in my life, so the objective part of me was glad she was not my friend anymore. But on the other hand, she was a fun-loving person and I’m not really like that; I missed that I no longer had this fun friend who dragged me out of my little content homebody life. It hurt to know she was doing fun things with the other lady. In my more mean-spirited moments, I wanted to tell the other lady every awful thing the ex used to say about her. 

I think losing a close friend is like a divorce (though I have not been divorced, so maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about!) I think there are similar things like you loved this person once and it’s hard to come to terms with them no longer being loveable or worthy of your love. 

I think, like any loss, you just need to grieve it. In a way, it will probably be beneficial that she’s moving far away because you won’t be faced with the friendship demise as much. 

[happi duck]

(hugs)

gift cards are nice when moving...so easy to pack!

An Amazon card could be nice too.  They sell them at Walgreens and I assume other places with gift cards.  Or you can buy online and print one.

[mumto2]

Hugs,  I hope your lunch goes well.

[theelfqueen]

Is there some small local item (here that would probably be dipped Aspen jewelry or something similar) or thing that refers to the positive parts of your shared history (like a Christmas ornament) ? Sentimental but not super personal? 

 

[DawnM]

I am sorry for your falling out and sorry she is moving and sorry that it is hard for you.

I had a group of HS moms I was close to and things went South very quickly due to the actions of one of the members of the group (LONG story and details would reveal things and I have no idea who is on this board), but just all that to say I feel your pain.  It is hard.

I second the more personal gift if you can think of something small.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Thank you all for your loving support.  Of course, with less than an hour before I need to be there, I thought of the most perfect gift ... there is this picture of our group back when M was still alive and KR still lived here.  I could have had an ornament made of this.  Maybe I can do this and have it sent to her later.

[DawnM]

15 minutes ago, dirty ethel rackham said:

Thank you all for your loving support.  Of course, with less than an hour before I need to be there, I thought of the most perfect gift ... there is this picture of our group back when M was still alive and KR still lived here.  I could have had an ornament made of this.  Maybe I can do this and have it sent to her later.

 

That sounds like a fantastic plan.

[Arctic Bunny]

58 minutes ago, dirty ethel rackham said:

Thank you all for your loving support.  Of course, with less than an hour before I need to be there, I thought of the most perfect gift ... there is this picture of our group back when M was still alive and KR still lived here.  I could have had an ornament made of this.  Maybe I can do this and have it sent to her later.

I think that’s lovely. She won’t have to worry about packing it, or it getting broken, and she’ll know you are still thinking of her after she has left.