Adopted kids with RAD

[bethben]

My Ds is displaying RAD like symptoms again at 11 (she did when we first adopted her for about 1 1/2 years) or she is having some hormonal surges.  Either way, she has decided that she wants to do her own thing and not obey us half the time when she thinks her plan is better.  Yesterday, we gave her a watch with an alarm so she knew when to come home from playing.  She decided to ignore the alarm and came home an hour late.  She’s just playing in the neighborhood where I could find her if I could.

The thing is, I broke my right foot and can’t put weight on it for another two weeks at minimum (not can I drive for up to 12 weeks at this point).  I can’t go looking for her.  Every time we try to restrict her to keep her safe, all hell breaks loose and there’s screaming and slamming doors and her telling us how miserable she will make our lives.  Yes, she needs counseling but this foot has caused a series of problems because of my physically disable son (yes we have some measure of help) but it puts enormous pressure/ extra workload on my husband.

all that to say, my dd attends a school where they have after school care.  We are considering it because I don’t have the mobility or energy to deal with her right now.  What she needs we can’t give to her right now.  Would this make her issues worse?  

 

 

[Storygirl]

I'm sorry. It sounds really overwhelming. I would be struggling, if I were you, so I sympathize.

My kids were adopted, but they don't have RAD. We do have one with ODD and other issues.

My personal opinion is that the aftercare program may be a good option for all of you at this point, even though it keeps her away from the family more. It can take time to get into a counselor, so I'd recommend getting on a waiting list NOW, so that when your foot is healed enough for driving, the first appointment will be near.

A RAD counselor may say that she should spend more time with family, not less (I don't know about RAD counseling, but I'm guessing, based upon what we read about attachment during our adoption process). But it sounds like keeping her safe and supervised and calm, while you recover, are the highest priorities. (I am assuming that she behaves better at school than at home.)

Is there a children's hospital near you with an adoption health center? Even if there is not one near you, I would contact the one that is closest, to see if they have a recommendation for a counselor that has experience addressing RAD.

[bethben]

And just in case you’re wondering if we are bad parents, all this deciding to do her own thing is new in the last six months.  Consequences don’t seem to do anything anymore.  She doesn’t care.

[bethben]

Honestly, at this point, if a counselor suggested I spend more time with her, I’d start crying.  She’s sucked everything from me and I’ve been faking love and affection for so long, I’m burnt out.  It’s like hugging a cactus—eventually you just need to stop and heal.  My husband and other kids also.  Every interaction between my other sons and her is negative now.

[maize]

Based on what you've posted after school care sounds like a decent option.

May be a RAD thing, may be just the kid you have. I wasn't adopted and definitely didn't have RAD, but I was not a compliant kid and consequences never did impact my behavior. 11 can be a tough hormonal age.

[SKL]

I think because it is appearing now, it is probably mostly natural hormonal changes.  I have two 11yo adopted girls, so I feel ya.  ?  I also remember being 11, and it wasn't pretty.  ?

I am pro afterschool care in your situation.  Your daughter might really enjoy the additional time with other kids.  Mine sure do.

What does help with my kids is when I empathize with their feelings when they are frustrated or wanting more autonomy.  I tell them that I remember having similar feelings when I was 11, and I understand it's a tough age, though I still call them on disobedience and disrespect.  I talk about what they need to stay healthy (especially sleep in our case).  Early bedtime can help with self-control.  When they disobey, I take away electronics / screens.  Nothing else really fazes them - or, whatever does would hurt me more than them.  ?

[SKL]

I should add that I believe there is a physical / genetic aspect to it for one of my daughters, so I try to help it with supplements.  First of all, she needs extra vitamin D as shown by a blood test.  Second, both of my kids have the MTHFR gene mutation on both sides, so they need folate instead of folic acid.  I buy whole food kid vitamins that include folate, plus I supplement with extra D and B12.  I have seen improvement, but I can't say whether it's because she's getting more mature or the supplements are helping.

Re the adoption angle - one of mine has been talking much more about her birth mom / "real mom" and why she was relinquished for adoption.  I have heard this kind of thinking increases around this age.  I don't think we're at the point of needing therapy, just a sympathetic ear when she brings it up.  Of course I could be completely wrong.

Edited September 14, 2018 by SKL

[Pink and Green Mom]

44 minutes ago, bethben said:

Honestly, at this point, if a counselor suggested I spend more time with her, I’d start crying.  She’s sucked everything from me and I’ve been faking love and affection for so long, I’m burnt out.  It’s like hugging a cactus—eventually you just need to stop and heal.  My husband and other kids also.  Every interaction between my other sons and her is negative now.

I'm so sorry. Both of my kids are adopted and I have been around people who have been in the RAD trenches and it is soul sucking.  I am sorry you and your family are having to go through this.  No advice, just lots of hugs.

[HS Mom in NC]

These are based on brain research of adoptees.  I highly recommend this book and seminar/organization.

https://www.amazon.com/Connected-Child-healing-adoptive-family/dp/0071475001/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1536935631&sr=8-1&keywords=connected+child

http://empoweredtoconnect.org/

[fairfarmhand]

1 hour ago, bethben said:

And just in case you’re wondering if we are bad parents, all this deciding to do her own thing is new in the last six months.  Consequences don’t seem to do anything anymore.  She doesn’t care.

 

1 hour ago, bethben said:

Honestly, at this point, if a counselor suggested I spend more time with her, I’d start crying.  She’s sucked everything from me and I’ve been faking love and affection for so long, I’m burnt out.  It’s like hugging a cactus—eventually you just need to stop and heal.  My husband and other kids also.  Every interaction between my other sons and her is negative now.

You’re not a bad mother based upon your kids’ behavior. 

Btw, my bio kid was like this at 11,12, 13, etc and she doesn’t have rad.

yes, after care seems like what you need for now.

[Pen]

 

http://www.karensadoptionlinks.com/lists.html

the above has links to tons of adoption specific online groups and info. I have not been involved with it for years, but the yahoo rad group used to be good and hopefully still is.

 

At this time, while your foot heals I think if you feel her behavior puts her in danger the after school program would be fine.  But how do you get her home from it, and does that actually stop the problem of her being out after dark or would she just take off after the afterschool program and still manage to do what is worrying you now? 

Or maybe she is actually safe being out later.  Being out an hour after being told to come home is fairly typical of 11yo misbehavior  .  

Or maybe some system could be figured out that would be mutually satisfactory.

She could be having RAD behaviors— and she could just be a difficult preteen. 

Whatever is going on, the book The Explosive Child by Ross Greene might be helpful. 

 

Do you have any post adoption helper you can call who knows your daughter?  Any transportation in your area for while you’d foot is healing?

 

I am in a rural area so have nothing close, but there is a state post adoption office I can call to borrow some materials related to adoption (I often forget about this resource), and probably to ask questions like the one you are asking—though I have not tried to do that. 

[ktgrok]

1 hour ago, maize said:

Based on what you've posted after school care sounds like a decent option.

May be a RAD thing, may be just the kid you have. I wasn't adopted and definitely didn't have RAD, but I was not a compliant kid and consequences never did impact my behavior. 11 can be a tough hormonal age.

 

1 hour ago, SKL said:

I think because it is appearing now, it is probably mostly natural hormonal changes.  I have two 11yo adopted girls, so I feel ya.  ?  I also remember being 11, and it wasn't pretty.  ?

?

Yeah. I used to live near a middle school and have always said kids in the 11-13 range, especially girls, are just terrible. I mean, obviously not all of them, I'm sure some are fine. But most are slightly feral at that age. Seriously. No common sense, and very self centered. I think all that has to do with huge feelings of vulnerability, hormones, brain pruning, plus plain old growing..remember how cranky babies were when going through a growth spurt? 

Slamming doors and crying and threats are pretty typical of that age. But if you just can't deal with it, yes, aftercare! And if you suspect more than normal behavior, maybe look into having her evaluated for depression, if that can happen faster than a RAD therapist. Depression can manifest as anger at that age. 

[Katy]

I wouldn't judge anything as being RAD or not just yet.  It really could be hormones.

I would definitely put her in the after school program. Both because of the safety risks inherent in tweens and rebellion, but also because whether it's RAD or not she's much more likely to be better behaved for others than for you, at least for the short term.

Prioritize safety for everyone first and self-care second. All you can do is the best you can do.

[maize]

53 minutes ago, Katy said:

All you can do is the best you can do.

 

Ain't that the truth!