Co- worker's wedding

[HS Mom in NC]

20 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Dh and I didn't need anything and we didn't ask for anything.  So no, I don't think it is a requirement that adults who have everything they need register anywhere. 

Wedding gifts are a celebration of a union, not the setting up of a physical household. Just like at a birthday, giving a gift isn't about getting the birthday girl/boy something they need for practical purposes.  It's celebrating another milestone.

I'm Gen X, born in 1973, and married at 20 years old.

[Scarlett]

Just now, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

Wedding gifts are a celebration of a union, not the setting up of a physical household. Just like at a birthday, giving a gift isn't about getting the birthday girl/boy something they need for practical purposes.  It's celebrating another milestone.

I think it is both.  We did get gifts.  But we certainly didn't ask for anything. 

[Bluegoat]

51 minutes ago, regentrude said:

 

That's two different things. Wedding gifts were originally for helping a couple set up house in a time when starting their own household coincided with getting married.

That does not mean that nowadays, when many people have households before they marry, wedding gifts are "for helping set up house". As the need for basic household supplies goes away, gift customs change and establishing a  household is often not the purpose of gifts.

 

I think you are making some connection that isn't meant to be there.  Understanding the origins of the custom, which was common until pretty recently, explains why many people now feel that wedding gifts still often have a particular type, and why people tend to feel that certain types of things are not quite right.  The current form is still really influenced by the origin.  This is why household goods are still such a big part of traditional wedding gifts.  Knowing about this connection makes people's ideas about what is and is not rude a lot easier to understand.

There were at least two posts where I had the distinct impression the person posting wasn't aware of this connectio, it was seen as not really different than a Christmas gift.

[Bluegoat]

12 minutes ago, Danae said:

 

There is a large difference in rhetorical force between "At one point in fairly recent history wedding gifts meant X, but the meaning is shifting as it has done before in the multi-thousand year history of the custom" and "it originally meant X but now some people are changing that."

 

Those both seem pretty neutral to me.

 

Personally, I'd like to see both weddings and gifts associated with them to be really toned down.  Substantial gifts to help people get a good start make sense, but I'm not sure they are actually a good use of resources or energy now.

[HS Mom in NC]

Just now, Scarlett said:

I think it is both.  We did get gifts.  But we certainly didn't ask for anything. 

Ok, you can do whatever you want for your wedding, but it's fairly common for most people to want to give something in celebration of a new union, and they don't necessarily think it has to be a tangible household item.  They also tend to want guidance from the couple.  Some people don't like it when couples don't register, and they have to guess what they would like, risking time, money, and energy being spent on a useless or unwanted item.   People are different. There's no situation in which a couple can please every guest's preference on this one, so they err on the side of giving the information because people who want to get the couple something they would actually like can, and those who want to do otherwise can.  If they leave out the registry, it's possible everyone will have to guess blindly and risk getting something the couple doesn't want.  So, it's actually polite and thoughtful to give the information and every guest can do as they please with  that information.

[regentrude]

18 minutes ago, Bluegoat said:

 Understanding the origins of the custom, which was common until pretty recently, explains why many people now feel that wedding gifts still often have a particular type, and why people tend to feel that certain types of things are not quite right.  The current form is still really influenced by the origin.  This is why household goods are still such a big part of traditional wedding gifts.  Knowing about this connection makes people's ideas about what is and is not rude a lot easier to understand.

Oh sure, I understand where the ideas come from; I just don't agree ?

But then, weddings are full of archaic customs that no longer mirror societal realities and that are, in some cases, very questionable when the historical origin is considered.

[LucyStoner]

42 minutes ago, Bluegoat said:

 

MMM, but Miss Manners will also say the the reason you don't do things like stick registry cards in a wedding invitation is because you never assume that people will bring a gift, or should be a gift.

I think it's a pretty common feature of etiquette that the assumptions on both sides can contradict without actually being contradictory.

 

She would say it’s rude to tell people *what* you want as a gift or treat an invite like an invoice.  That it is rude to include registry in any invite doesn’t mean it’s ok to not give a gift when you accept a wedding invitation.  She’s answered many questions in the vein of  “do I have to give the couple a gift if I am going to the wedding” and her answer has been that you don’t have any business attending the wedding of someone you don’t want to give a gift to.  Decline graciously and be done with it.  

As a culture we have accepted that people can register for household wares.  I don’t understand taking issue when what they register for shifts.  Like I said, I assumed I would find it rude to be invited to such a wedding but when it came to pass I realized my love for the couple meant that I shared in their excitement rather than felt the need to be bothered.     

Ettiquette isn’t an issue of sides.  It’s about making people feel confortable and know what is expected of them.  Expectations do shift.  There is rarely harm in assuming positive intent.  

 

[SquirrellyMama]

3 hours ago, Bluegoat said:

 

You told people if they asked, usually they'd ask someone like the mom or sister.

Putting in the invite was considered really, really rude.

I've been to weddings where I didn't know any of the family or wedding party. 

I love that people put registry info in with the invites. 

Kelly

[hippiemamato3]

15 hours ago, StellaM said:

I'm gonna be the only one who says that maybe the couple should forgo the big wedding (a registry wedding is just as legal!) and use the wedding money to fly back home and have a holiday ?

Gen X. Rubs me the wrong way, would be unlikely to fund. It feels greedy. 

If people don't need help setting up their household, they could always just do a no-present wedding. 

 

I used to be a serious Emily Post etiquette person, but honestly sometimes I feel like the judgement that happens around every birthday, baby shower, and wedding is kind of sad. It's about celebrating a person who, theoretically, you care about if you are invited to their celebration! Why wouldn't you want to give them something they would enjoy or find fun or useful?

[HS Mom in NC]

I have never received a wedding invitation that didn't have the gift registry location on it.  Ever.  In 45 years.  Where else are people getting the information about the registry other than on the invitation if it's supposedly so rude?

Once again, this and the funeral thread leave me surprised that well read adults online in America still don't seem to understand how incredibly diverse our nation is and how "rules" of etiquette are, and have always been a myth. 

[TechWife]

12 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

I have never received a wedding invitation that didn't have the gift registry location on it.  Ever.  In 45 years.  Where else are people getting the information about the registry other than on the invitation if it's supposedly so rude?
 

By speaking with a family member or a member of the wedding party. It's much the same as when my son would receive a birthday party information as a child and I would call the mother and say "What would Sam like for his birthday? Does he have any special interests?"

[PeachyDoodle]

6 minutes ago, TechWife said:

By speaking with a family member or a member of the wedding party. It's much the same as when my son would receive a birthday party information as a child and I would call the mother and say "What would Sam like for his birthday? Does he have any special interests?"

Yes. And nowadays that info it usually on the wedding website. 

[HS Mom in NC]

12 minutes ago, TechWife said:

By speaking with a family member or a member of the wedding party. It's much the same as when my son would receive a birthday party information as a child and I would call the mother and say "What would Sam like for his birthday? Does he have any special interests?"

Sorry, but that's just playing games.  If everyone is going to ask anyway, and let's be honest, most of them do, then it's bizarre not to include that in the rest of the information about the wedding.  I usually don't know a family member or a member of the wedding party unless it's a relative getting married.  That nonsense just doesn't happen around here.  It's a sentence at the bottom of the invitation, "The couple is registered at ___________." and it's been that way for decades.

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, StellaM said:

 

People have websites for their wedding ???!!!

 

Yes.  This couple has one.  And you can click on their 'registry' which in this case is just three options 1) fund a trip back to <home> 2) fund our honeymoon 3) new home fund.  Next to each option is 'any amount'. 

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

Sorry, but that's just playing games.  If everyone is going to ask anyway, and let's be honest, most of them do, then it's bizarre not to include that in the rest of the information about the wedding.  I usually don't know a family member or a member of the wedding party unless it's a relative getting married.  That nonsense just doesn't happen around here.  It's a sentence at the bottom of the invitation, "The couple is registered at ___________." and it's been that way for decades.

I rarely see an invitation with a registry ON the invitation. It isn't game playing. It is manners.  An invitation to a wedding is not a request for gifts.  It doesn't read 'the honor of your presence plus a gift'. If a person wants to buy off of a registry they can ask discreetly about it.  Many people don't LIKE registries.  My mom won't buy from one.  If the registry info ins ON the invitation it feels like pressure and more like the gift is the focus.  

I am surprised you don't know that this is how it is in some parts of this very diverse country.  

[Scarlett]

5 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Yes.  This couple has one.  And you can click on their 'registry' which in this case is just three options 1) fund a trip back to <home> 2) fund our honeymoon 3) new home fund.  Next to each option is 'any amount'. 

They also have it set up to RSVP on the site....and you can sign up to get email updates in case something changes. .  

[Hannah]

I have not been to any weddings recently so the last I attended still had wedding card invites and no website.  There was an "information" insert in the card with a map to the church and reception location, a list of nearby accommodation for out of town guests and a line with, "we are registered at xxxx".  I found the information useful rather than rude.  I guess these days the card would have a reference to the wedding website where this information can be found?

[Liz CA]

26 minutes ago, Hannah said:

I have not been to any weddings recently so the last I attended still had wedding card invites and no website.  There was an "information" insert in the card with a map to the church and reception location, a list of nearby accommodation for out of town guests and a line with, "we are registered at xxxx".  I found the information useful rather than rude.  I guess these days the card would have a reference to the wedding website where this information can be found?

 

Yes, nephew's invitations came in an envelope with the option of RSVPing by enclosed postcard or on the website (Tie the knot) where all kinds of info from directions to the venue, hotel suggestions, pictures of the engagement party and more were accessible. The actual paper invitation contained the website with a link to two registries - one funding the honeymoon and another for tangible items.

[linders]

I understand that this evolution in registries can seem tacky - it is more satisfying to buy a "thing" that you can imagine the couple using. However, I have a cabinet full of "things" from our wedding 21 years ago - pretty plates, embroidered napkins, servers, the silver service my parents insisted on getting, all intended for a certain style of entertaining, all used almost never. They don't suit our backyard BBQ life, never have. They weren't on our registry, but since DH and I were both on our own by then, we couldn't come up with much for a registry, and people really wanted something they could wrap. The only reason I still have them is out of guilt (that's a whole 'nother topic.)

Young people do value experiences more - I don't begrudge them that. If it doesn't feel quite comfortable, a card is perfectly acceptable, maybe with a gift card for a nice restaurant. The whole point is to allow guests the opportunity to celebrate join the couple in celebrating their new life together.

P.S. I know people who provide guests a registry of "things," then return them for the cash.

[PeachyDoodle]

7 hours ago, StellaM said:

 

People have websites for their wedding ???!!!

 

Sure. Several of the wedding-industry websites offer free ones. They usually have registry info, along with details about the event (attire, etc.), travel accommodations, suggestions for things to do in the local area, and any other wedding weekend happenings, like brunch the following day. And they usually include some cute photos and stories about how the couple met. They're template-based and take about 10 minutes to put together. Not a big deal. It's just an easy way for the guests to find info they need.

[marbel]

10 hours ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

I have never received a wedding invitation that didn't have the gift registry location on it.  Ever.  In 45 years.  Where else are people getting the information about the registry other than on the invitation if it's supposedly so rude?

Once again, this and the funeral thread leave me surprised that well read adults online in America still don't seem to understand how incredibly diverse our nation is and how "rules" of etiquette are, and have always been a myth. 

 

Just because people are well-read doesn't mean they are going to be exposed to the nuances of cultural differences around the US, especially if they have always lived in the same general area all their lives and customs haven't changed in their lifetimes.  It's just not necessarily going to come up.  It comes up here because people are discussing it and this is a very diverse group.

You said that in your life you've never gotten a wedding invitation that didn't include registry information, and ask how people will get the information if it's not on the invitation.  You seem surprised that people don't do things the same way you've experienced.   Honestly, your second paragraph above reads to me as a contradiction of your first. Of course maybe I am misreading you.

I've lived in just 3 places as a adult, but I've mostly lived in places where people move in and out a lot and I've been exposed to different ways of doing things. Where I live now the population is very static and people don't know how things work in other places.  But worse, they don't care. They think the way they do it is the right way, and everyone else has it wrong.  I don't see that attitude on this thread, or on the funeral procession thread - I see people relating their experiences and questioning others - but in a "oh, that's new to me" way, not a "what, of course no one anyplace ever does it like that" way.