Are you able to stick to a budget if your DH just can't?

[Petrichor]

We've had a few years now where DH finds this shiny "new" budgeting program or app, tries it for about a month and a half, abandons it, usually due to inconvenience or because he "has to" put large amounts of money into something unplanned/unexpected, but urgent (to him).

 

I usually agree with him that the unplanned spending is necessary when he gives me the reason. Usually it's something like "x person we really care about really needs money right now" or "x bill/credit card really needs to be paid off right now" They way he says it, it sounds like the situation is urgent, but our communication isn't that great in this respect. I mean, at times, I think he just makes it sound urgent because it is what he wants to do and is urgent to him. He's the type that when he gets a large sum of money (eg. tax returns) it burns a figurative hole in his pocket and he needs to put it somewhere. 

 

I don't want to take over the whole budget, because he is actually paying all of the bills, and why fix that part when it's not broken?

 

Our grocery spending is likely out of control. I know from reading here that that is a good first place to start. It's the one biggest place I could probably keep under my control, but he buys groceries sometimes too. Sometimes because I ask him to, sometimes because he saw or thought about something and wanted it.

 

Is meal planning a good start? I started that this week, and so far, so good  :laugh: For the past few months, and maybe my life minus a few months of trying to unsuccessfully meal plan, I've been tending to just go into the store just to resupply the cupboards, rather than for purchasing the ingredients for specific meals. 

 

Maybe if I asked him to transfer money into my personal account each month to be used towards certain budget categories that I would assume control over? Other unbudgeted areas (because he is not so great at planning for those unexpected things) are Homeschool, Clothing, Entertainment, and Car maintenance/repairs. Our spending strategy for most things is "spend the least you can on it," but that means different things to each of us, and not in a way that allows us to feel good about the other's spending.

 

If you have tips, I'm all ears.  :bigear:

[HomeAgain]

Dh and I have a budget meeting each week.  For a while it was looking at what our spending was for the week, what we project it to be for the current week, and how close we are to our goals.  Now it's more 'this is our plan, here's what's coming up, all is good.'

 

He didn't budget well when we first started.  We had to go to a cash only envelope system for a while to get things under control.  But over time it got better.  We started paying ourselves first, putting $20 in savings at the beginning of the month to start the habit, then at the end of the month rolling over what wasn't spent so we kept the checking account "clear" and less able to overspend.

 

I started with a spreadsheet, now dh has one as well but his is set up much different than mine.  Same goals, but mine is nice and neat in colorful columns and his is long projected black and white rows. :lol: We see the world differently and that's okay. 

[creekland]

For all of his great attributes (and there are plenty), being able to budget is not one of them for my hubby.  We found that out after about 2-3 months of marriage.  Fortunately, he agreed that I should handle all of our family finances - from bills to donations to spending money and retirement.  We put all of our combined income into one fund and I distribute it twice per month.  He's self-employed, so our income varies each month.  I have our "musts" down to a T and the rest can also vary.  He'll have some $$ in his pocket (assuming we have it - back in the beginning there were some really shaky months) that he can spend (I give it to him).  Anything beyond that he asks or tells me about and I try to work it in - whether it's a joint need/want like house repairs or money for his sailboat.  I try to be as fair to him as I am to myself or our kids.

 

It works very well for us.

[skimomma]

My dh has never been able to wrap his brain around budgeting.  Luckily, that was apparent before we even got married and he was willing to relinquish all budgeting to me.  That does not mean all was good immediately.  Since he was never used to budgeting and our income was very low, there were often conflicts on how to budget.  Mostly he wanted to spend on things we simply didn't have money for and I was unwilling to carry debt on CCs to accommodate that spending.  Over the years, a combination of increased income and better understanding between us has resolved most of those issues.  As we had more income, we were able to change the budget so that dh has discretionary funds to spend as he wishes.  Unfortunately, we do not have enough income to extend that type of spending freedom to me.  It sometimes causes conflict but in the end, I would rather dh has access to money that does not require discussion (AKA fights) between us and have a healthy financial situation than make everything "even."  It is what it is.

 

That said, yes, meal planning is likely the most effective way for me to cut our budget at any given time.  Most of our budget consists of fixed costs that cannot be lowered without major effort (mortgage, insurance, health, etc....).  Lowering the heat by a few degrees or paying special attention to shutting off lights does not move the budget numbers enough to make a significant difference.  I did a year-long personal study several years ago on food budgeting and found that my family can eat with a much lower budget when meal planning is done consistently.  We have never been food wasters so everything I buy does get eaten but having an actual menu plan meant that each meal has a lower cost per unit.  With forethought, I can use less expensive ingredients.  When I am consistently meal planning, we also eat out or get take out less often which is an even bigger savings.  The way I meal plan often requires advanced prepping.  If I have a vat of beans soaking 24 hours ahead of time, the temptation to grab a pizza the next day is almost zero because I still have to cook the beans to avoid wasting them.  No point in picking up pizza AND cooking the beans since my pizza temptation is almost always about my own laziness rather than a hankering for pizza.  It works for me.  YMMV.

 

All in all, our monthly food budget is half when I meal plan.  That can be $300-$400 which is very significant in our budget. 

[desertstrawberry5]

I keep my budget for my spending because I do most of the day-to-day spending. Grocery shopping, home repairs, kids' activities, outings, clothes. All me. D buys his food for his breakfast and lunch. Rarely he buys clothes for himself. He will sometimes buy treats for us. He pays the monthly bills. But most of the spending decisions are mine. 

I am tracking my spending just to see how much I spend and where it goes. We spend less than D earns, so I don't really have an upper limit. I can spend what I want. But it helps me to know for sure how much that is when making decisions like do we buy a zoo membership, or should I take the kids out to eat? If I know I have been spending a lot, I will forgo extras, but if I'm under budget, I can do something a little pricier without guilt. 

I am baaad at keeping track of things, so this is mostly theoretical, but this is my goal in budgeting. 

[katilac]

The first thing that jumps out at me is that his taxes need to be adjusted so that he is not getting a big tax return! That just means you are overpaying throughout the year. A small refund, sure, but it's pretty easy to pin it down to where you are not getting a lot of money returned. Tax refunds are not extra money, they are your money that the government has been using interest-free all year.

 

Then, a rethinking about budget categories is in order. Homeschool, entertainment, clothing, and car maintenance/repair should not be regarded as unplanned expenses. The particular timing of certain things and exact amount might be a surprise, but that is exactly what a budget is meant for: you are setting aside so much per paycheck for these things in particular. This could be a physical envelope system like happysmileylady uses, or it could simple be a spreadsheet that is adjusted each month. Either way, you know that you have $700 in the car fund, and most certainly not $700 "extra" in the account. 

 

To the extent that it is possible, there should be a fairly large amount going into the car fund each and ever paycheck. Why? Because you will almost certainly always be driving a car. You need to budget not just for this car, but for the next car. A decent down payment will get you a better interest rate and a quicker term of payments. Six year car loans are the devil. 

 

And stores like Walmart and Target are high level demons. They make it super easy to bury impulse purchases in the "grocery" budget, which is why you need a line item for every. last. thing. Not just an amount to spend at Walmart every two weeks, but so much for groceries, so much for personal care, so much for household items. Track every category, every time. Any unspent money stays in that category so it is there for unplanned expenses - like stocking up on an item you use all the time when it goes on sale. 

 

You MUST track (after money is spent) as well as budget (before money is spent.You need to see where the money is actually going. If you have $100 allocated for groceries, don't pat yourself on the back only because you stayed within that. Track it and see that, yes, you stayed within it, but you actually only spent $80 in groceries. Instead of staying in the grocery category for next time, the other $20 got spent on a DVD you didn't need, that wasn't in the entertainment budget. 

 

If your dh has a strong need to put "extra" money somewhere, then a spreadsheet budget may be ideal. Unallocated money can actually be a source of anxiety for many people, in addition to being a temptation. You can either set it up together, or you can set something up and then get his input, or you can use a ready-made program that you can then adjust (that's easiest, of course!). Make sure you google "budget categories" and look at some examples, so you don't miss anything. In addition to needs, include some middle- and long-term wants as well. Vacations, a fancy date night, a new computer, whatever is motivating. Include a small-ish amount for each of you for discretionary spending that doesn't have to fit into a family category or be explained. 

 

Then, go over the budget routinely, maybe every paycheck. Give him the visual of money allocated into neat columns of categories. Money that is needed exactly where it is. 

 

Your post didn't give me a feel for whether he is likely to be resistant to a budget. Either way, it is a good idea to do some reading and be prepared with some facts (this will help motivate you also). If we put $50 extra toward the house payment each month, it will be paid off x years faster, and we will save x amount in interest. Better yet, how much will we save if we paid off this credit card, and then that one? Paying off consumer debt has tremendous financial power. 

 

OP, I went off into a lot of budget thoughts that don't directly relate to your post, so when I say "you" it is meant generically much of the time, not you in particular. This is actually a restrained response for me, lol, because I feel strongly that so many people could have much more financial freedom if they budgeted their money, as opposed to just spending it. 

[hornblower]

Of course you can. Just take over all the finances, decide what a reasonably monthly budget for all categories should be, and give each of you some discretionary spending (if you have the wiggle room in your income/expense ratio).  If he over spends on credit cards, move him to debit or cash only and have that account be limited to a few months discretionary spending only. If he uses it up, he's out until the next fiscal quarter. 

You seem to be saying that just because bills are getting paid, that everything is fine so why mess with it? But maybe you can be saving more, maybe you can be investing more, saving for your kids' college tuition, maybe you can plan that big trip or give that big donation to an organization you care about. There's never an excuse to waste money thoughtlessly imo. You work hard for it so use it for what you actually need, really believe in, and what brings you joy. 

[katilac]

For the other part, I recommend an electronic envelope style budget where you assign every dollar to an upcoming expense or savings category. 

 

Thanks for this wording, I always take an entire paragraph to express this idea  :laugh:

 

You seem to be saying that just because bills are getting paid, that everything is fine so why mess with it? 

 

Not the OP, but I thought she meant, he's doing the physical act of paying the bills, why take that part over if I don't have to? 

[hornblower]

Thanks for this wording, I always take an entire paragraph to express this idea  :laugh:

 

 

Not the OP, but I thought she meant, he's doing the physical act of paying the bills, why take that part over if I don't have to? 

 

Oh, I forget people still actually physically pay bills :D

 

All of mine get paid automatically so really for me 'paying bills' = 'being able to pay the bill/actually having $ in the account' 

[cjzimmer1]

A well done budget will already have categories for those unexpected things and thus should really minimize any large unexpected expenses.  That said it takes a while to get a well defined budget and that interim period can be painful and where I'm guess you guys keep getting derailed.

 

One thing that I think helps it to have a clear goal as to WHY you want to budget.  Many people really don't and as long as you spend less than you make, you can float an awfully long time without ever having to worry about it.  But if you have debt or certain financial goals that you aren't able to meet, than that is where a budget can be handy.

 

So first I would talk to your DH about his financial goals and plans.  If he doesn't agree at least in the abstract than it doesn't matter how much you save and budget because he will just spend the extras on those things that are "urgent" to him.

 

Next step would be to track where you are spending your money on.  It can be really eye opening how much is spent in an area when you really track it.  Sometimes that is enough motivation right there to change things.  Once you see where your money is going, it's much easier to make intentional decisions about how to spend your money.

 

Another thought is even though you are happy with your DH handling things right now.  Consider having him turn the reigns over to you for a set period, maybe 3-6 months.  First it's good for you to have a full picture of where/how money is spent but would also give you a chance to be able to track everything so that it would be possible for you to set up a budget at the end.

[Carol in Cal.]

We save into company retirement plans automatically and regularly.

We adjust the percentages from time to time, but we never stop completely.

 

We have a checking account for normal expenses, and a savings account for overflow (ha!), and another checking account for non-monthly recurring expenses.  That last one is the key to everything working.  We put in a set amount to cover things like car insurance, property taxes, and car repairs.  Then we try to use it as little as possible so that we can build up a surplus if possible.  This takes that money out of our regular checking account, so it's clear that it is not available.  If we don't do that, then DH goes to the ATM and thinks we are very flush and takes out more than he ever would if he was being careful, and then voila we have to scramble to pay the earthquake insurance bill.  

 

I pay the bills and I give DH an overview of what is up with them periodically.  (I don't think he actually wants to hear this, but I feel like disclosure of that type should be done proactively in a marriage.)  He files all the bills and checkbooks and paychecks (we insist on getting paper), so he has a chance to see all that stuff if he wants to.  He mostly doesn't want to.  He knows I prioritize getting rid of debt and scheduling big payments, and I think he is pretty relieved not to have to do that.  We have one college loan, smaller than most people's car loans I think, and a mortgage and a HELOC.  Other than that we mostly pay our credit cards 100% every month, which is a huge priority of mine because the interest rates are so high.

 

Re. groceries--DH does much of the shopping, and I have given up on getting him to economize.  If I were home all the time I'd have a price book and comparison shop, but he will never ever ever do that.  At least I do cook, and I make shopping lists for our menus and email them to him to buy, but on the few occasions when I shop myself I look for what is on sale and plan meals around that, which would make DH's head totally explode.  Sometimes you have to do what you can and let the rest go, IYKWIM.

 

Re. general frugality--my theory is that economizing on the big ticket items is going to give me the most financial bang for the buck, so I work hard on things like getting good, inexpensive used cars cheaply, and maintaining them well enough to last for a long time.  Right now our cars are a 2001, a 1998, and a 1995.  They are all running just fine.  This strategy has saved us a ton of money over the years.

 

Also, I try to align our spending with our values.  So, for instance, I try to buy fresh local food as much as I reasonably can, even if it costs a little more, because I want to support the local producers.  And I like to be hospitable, so I spend on having folks over.  I tend to give things away rather than selling them.  And I think it's important to help people out and support the church, so I do.  Those are not frugal, but they seem like what frugality is actually FOR.  "Those who give to the poor lend to the Lord."  :)

Edited October 10, 2017 by Carol in Cal.

[Bootsie]

When you say your husband is paying all of the bills now, are you referring to the fact that he is the one physically writing the checks?  Or, are you referring to the fact that even using his method there is enough money to pay all of the bills?

 

I would start by examining why you feel the need for a budget and he does not feel the need (at least to stick to a budget).  Do you have debt that needs to be paid off?  Are you wanting to save for something in particular?  (new car, college tuition, new house, retirement, vacation???)  Do you like paying attention to details and knowing exactly what is being spent?  Does he find budgeting too time consuming?  Does he get frustrated with all of the details when he would rather look at the big picture?  Does he enjoy having some flexibility to spend money when an unplanned opportunity comes up?

 

 

 

[heartlikealion]

I don't know, but I feel like I'm dealing with the same situation. Dh and I butt heads over the budget all the time. He'll explain away expenses. We never (imo) needed an Amazon Echo. It broke after multiple drops by the toddler. We thought about putting it somewhere higher, but were afraid of the cat knocking it over. We weren't very wise about how we handled that, but I digress. As it stands he's upset about me spending gas on certain trips, but insists on buying beer. The week I did the grocery shopping I did not buy beer. When he was upset about it I said, "not in the budget." He bought it the next trip to the store. I gave him a four dollar coupon for an OTC medicine. I asked if he used it and he nodded, but I found the coupon in the car. I'm wondering how much hassle it would be to return and rebuy the product with the coupon. It drives him nuts when I take forever in the store but I do my shopkick. I knocked $5 off our last trip from Shopkick rewards. I know we think differently about time vs money. It doesn't hurt my feelings to spend extra time in the store to save money (so long as dd isn't fussy). I figure I'm getting some exercise :laugh:

 

I suggested separate accounts a long time ago, but my dh didn't want to do that. I have no idea how to solve these things, either.

[Annie G]

We 'solved' the problem by each of us being in charge of certain bills. Dh's paycheck is automatically split deposited into each of our accounts. I handle utilities, groceries, my discretionary spending, car insurance, and most entertainment.  Dh handles medical expenses, car maintenance, extravagant entertainment (I'm looking at you, Packers tickets!), house repairs, and his own discretionary.  We each cover our own gas costs.  We have more categories than this, but you get the idea.  

 

Over time, he has become a lot better at handling his expenses and being more mindful of his discretionary money. But it has taken years.  In the meantime, I have control of most of the things that can really be controlled- food, entertainment, my discretionary, and to some extent the utilities and car insurance. I notice when things start creeping up and look for better deals on insurance, cable and internet costs, cell phone plans.  

 

I am still far better at budgeting and more disciplined about savings but he is making lots of progress.  For us, each having control over certain things has really worked out well.  He wasn't going to get better at it by not doing any of the money handling at all, nor was I willing to give it all to him in an effort to force him to see how difficult it can be. Nope...we share it.  We do have an overall budget so we are accountable, but the day to day implementation is split by categories. 

 

 

[Petrichor]

I can spend what I want. But it helps me to know for sure how much that is when making decisions like do we buy a zoo membership, or should I take the kids out to eat? If I know I have been spending a lot, I will forgo extras, but if I'm under budget, I can do something a little pricier without guilt. 

 

 

That's kind of where I'm at right now. When money was tight for a few years, I had no problem going without all of the slightly expensive, but much better things. Like multiple memberships. Now, thank God, we have a lot more wiggle room in the budget, but I still find myself spending weeks with things that we need and can afford in online shopping carts, because I'm not sure if we should spend that money, but if he wants to try something, he has no qualms about moving all of my stuff into the "saved for later" section of the cart and placing his order within about 20 min of choosing the item. He always asks me first if "I need the stuff in the cart right now" before he orders, but his idea of "need" is different than mine. 

 

You say he likes the idea of budgeting but doesn't follow through. Are you willing/able to do the tedious part of keeping the program/app up to date? He can still pay the bills, if that part is working well, but then you make sure they are entered into the app.

 

For the other part, I recommend an electronic envelope style budget where you assign every dollar to an upcoming expense or savings category. Then when the next "urgent" thing come up you can say "Okay. What categories would you like to take it from?"

 

I don't really want to keep the program up to date. Not anymore. Mostly because we've been through this so many times before. He uses so many different accounts, and forgets to tell me about important things. I'd probably accidentally neglect to pay certain bills at this point. Earlier in our marriage, I was in charge of writing checks, etc. But now we are working off of credit cards and multiple accounts. 

 

We are trying to pay off all of the credit cards before the companies charge interest. Our religious beliefs mean that we neither accept interest, nor deem it permissible to put oneself into a position where one will need to pay interest. So that's our tightest spot. He has credit cards and debt to a group of friends who helped him out with a loan for his bachelor's degree a few years ago. Those are our main "urgent" events. And car-related expenses... 

 

I like your idea about having him take the money for the "urgencies" out of another budget category, but he would choose to take it from savings or things that I want to budget for for me and the kids. (clothing, classes, etc.)

 

Of course you can. Just take over all the finances, decide what a reasonably monthly budget for all categories should be, and give each of you some discretionary spending (if you have the wiggle room in your income/expense ratio).  If he over spends on credit cards, move him to debit or cash only and have that account be limited to a few months discretionary spending only. If he uses it up, he's out until the next fiscal quarter. 

 

You seem to be saying that just because bills are getting paid, that everything is fine so why mess with it? But maybe you can be saving more, maybe you can be investing more, saving for your kids' college tuition, maybe you can plan that big trip or give that big donation to an organization you care about. There's never an excuse to waste money thoughtlessly imo. You work hard for it so use it for what you actually need, really believe in, and what brings you joy. 

 

Yes, we need to save money. He doesn't want to save money. He doesn't think we are at a position financially to save money. He doesn't think putting $20 or $100 or even $300 into savings per month would really do anything, and thus, there's no point.

 

Oh, I forget people still actually physically pay bills :D

 

All of mine get paid automatically so really for me 'paying bills' = 'being able to pay the bill/actually having $ in the account' 

 

No, we don't physically pay them anymore. We have everything on autopay.

 

Yes, I meant that we actually have money in the account to pay the bills. I was trying to be nice to him.  :lol:

 

 

A well done budget will already have categories for those unexpected things and thus should really minimize any large unexpected expenses.  That said it takes a while to get a well defined budget and that interim period can be painful and where I'm guess you guys keep getting derailed.

 

One thing that I think helps it to have a clear goal as to WHY you want to budget.  Many people really don't and as long as you spend less than you make, you can float an awfully long time without ever having to worry about it.  But if you have debt or certain financial goals that you aren't able to meet, than that is where a budget can be handy.

 

So first I would talk to your DH about his financial goals and plans.  If he doesn't agree at least in the abstract than it doesn't matter how much you save and budget because he will just spend the extras on those things that are "urgent" to him.

 

Next step would be to track where you are spending your money on.  It can be really eye opening how much is spent in an area when you really track it.  Sometimes that is enough motivation right there to change things.  Once you see where your money is going, it's much easier to make intentional decisions about how to spend your money.

 

Another thought is even though you are happy with your DH handling things right now.  Consider having him turn the reigns over to you for a set period, maybe 3-6 months.  First it's good for you to have a full picture of where/how money is spent but would also give you a chance to be able to track everything so that it would be possible for you to set up a budget at the end.

 

Yes, a goal is good. We have some goals, but no plan to achieve them. He feels like he's stuck. He's currently working through the YNAB materials, so maybe that will help him. 

 

We need time to sit down and go through everything. So tiring - we've done this so many times, only to have nothing happen. 

 

I plan to give him a few months, now that he's trying to budget again, but I want to be ready to work with him on a new plan when this one doesn't work out for him.

 

I would start by examining why you feel the need for a budget and he does not feel the need (at least to stick to a budget).  Do you have debt that needs to be paid off?  Are you wanting to save for something in particular?  (new car, college tuition, new house, retirement, vacation???)  Do you like paying attention to details and knowing exactly what is being spent?  Does he find budgeting too time consuming?  Does he get frustrated with all of the details when he would rather look at the big picture?  Does he enjoy having some flexibility to spend money when an unplanned opportunity comes up?

Yes to the debt, yes to the saving. 

 

Not really, regarding the details. 

 

I think he may find it too time consuming and frustrating. He wants to see a large sum before he decides to put it anywhere. He pays off credit cards in $1000 increments or more. 

 

He'd rather not spend at times when I would like to spend. He's sort of stuck in this mindset of "we can't afford something that expensive" and unable to realize that that $120/year membership only comes out to $10/month. I don't know how to get over that, and am hoping the reading and lessons he's been doing on YNAB will help him.

 

I don't know, but I feel like I'm dealing with the same situation. Dh and I butt heads over the budget all the time. He'll explain away expenses. We never (imo) needed an Amazon Echo. It broke after multiple drops by the toddler. We thought about putting it somewhere higher, but were afraid of the cat knocking it over. We weren't very wise about how we handled that, but I digress. As it stands he's upset about me spending gas on certain trips, but insists on buying beer. The week I did the grocery shopping I did not buy beer. When he was upset about it I said, "not in the budget." He bought it the next trip to the store. I gave him a four dollar coupon for an OTC medicine. I asked if he used it and he nodded, but I found the coupon in the car. I'm wondering how much hassle it would be to return and rebuy the product with the coupon. It drives him nuts when I take forever in the store but I do my shopkick. I knocked $5 off our last trip from Shopkick rewards. I know we think differently about time vs money. It doesn't hurt my feelings to spend extra time in the store to save money (so long as dd isn't fussy). I figure I'm getting some exercise :laugh:

 

I suggested separate accounts a long time ago, but my dh didn't want to do that. I have no idea how to solve these things, either.

 

Yes, that is somewhat of a theme in our house too. What I need isn't as important as what he wants (clothes without holes vs cool new tech) 

 

I do have a personal account, but I keep the little savings that I do have in there. Savings from various side jobs I do, and allowance that I, at times, am able to insist upon. Currently on hiatus.

 

We 'solved' the problem by each of us being in charge of certain bills. Dh's paycheck is automatically split deposited into each of our accounts. I handle utilities, groceries, my discretionary spending, car insurance, and most entertainment.  Dh handles medical expenses, car maintenance, extravagant entertainment (I'm looking at you, Packers tickets!), house repairs, and his own discretionary.  We each cover our own gas costs.  We have more categories than this, but you get the idea.  

 

I like the split paycheck idea. I forgot about that option.

 

At one point, I considered having him just deposit the money into my account, but it's in a different bank than the one he gets his paycheck deposited into, and would take a few days to transfer the money. Not to mention, we would probably forget to transfer it regularly. 

[Annie G]

 

 

I like the split paycheck idea. I forgot about that option.

 

At one point, I considered having him just deposit the money into my account, but it's in a different bank than the one he gets his paycheck deposited into, and would take a few days to transfer the money. Not to mention, we would probably forget to transfer it regularly. 

 

Dh's check is actually split into four accounts!  He has a set amount put into our mortgage/property tax account, a set amount into his savings and checking, and then the rest of it is put into my checking.  It's really great to have the mortgage/property tax already set aside.  And it's easier for us to have money diverted to savings before we see it.

[Bootsie]

I think it is important to separate discussions into two broad issues.  First, it is important to discuss broad financial goals and have some agreement as to what those goals are.  If paying off debt is a priority, that should be part of this discussion.  If saving for kids' college is a priority, that should be part of this discussion.  You may need to agree that he has a goal of X and you have a goal of Y and figure ways to work toward both of those goals. 

 

Once the broader goals are determined, then the mechanics of budgeting can be discussed.  You may agree, for example, that there are $500 a month for groceries.  You may want to budget very carefully for most things during the month so that you can splurge on a few things each month.  He may prefer to moderately spend, foregoing the time and trouble to budget carefully but also forgo the splurges. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I think it is important to separate discussions into two broad issues.  First, it is important to discuss broad financial goals and have some agreement as to what those goals are.  If paying off debt is a priority, that should be part of this discussion.  If saving for kids' college is a priority, that should be part of this discussion.  You may need to agree that he has a goal of X and you have a goal of Y and figure ways to work toward both of those goals. 

 

Once the broader goals are determined, then the mechanics of budgeting can be discussed.  You may agree, for example, that there are $500 a month for groceries.  You may want to budget very carefully for most things during the month so that you can splurge on a few things each month.  He may prefer to moderately spend, foregoing the time and trouble to budget carefully but also forgo the splurges. 

 

This is a good idea, but it is really hard to describe how difficult it is to deal with someone who makes these agreements and doesn't stick to them.  Because they bind you but not him, which is ultimately pretty counterproductive/frustrating/unfair.

 

That's why we went to a set up where I pay all the bills.  I don't 'ride herd' on the budget exactly, but I think the fact that I proactively let DH know if I buy something for us or for myself, but also model prioritization, but ALSO (key!) ask him about credit card charges over a certain amount if he hasn't told me about them kind of makes him tend to minimize that kind of spending without us having a formal agreement to do so.  It's not budgeting, but it is managing spending in a kind of unplanned but effective way.  IT stays reasonably respectful because DH does the filing, so he sees everything, too.  So it's not me riding herd on him or getting mad because he didn't keep his word about a spending limit, which is kind of what we did before.  That's more or less the situation that the OP has to deal with as well.

 

[katilac]

 

 He doesn't think putting $20 or $100 or even $300 into savings per month would really do anything, and thus, there's no point.

 

 

 

Oh, wow, that's just painful to read. Hopefully, YNAB will have some concrete examples that will help change his mind. 

[Plink]

 Our religious beliefs mean that we neither accept interest, nor deem it permissible to put oneself into a position where one will need to pay interest.

 

 He doesn't think we are at a position financially to save money. He doesn't think putting $20 or $100 or even $300 into savings per month would really do anything, and thus, there's no point.

 

Does he realize that by choosing to live paycheck-to-paycheck he is intentionally putting himself in a position where he will eventually be required to borrow money?  Living without savings isn't sustainable.  When he gets sick, his job is relocated, or he eventually needs to retire, there won't be enough income to sustain the family for even the basics. Perhaps you could appeal to his religious beliefs and ask him to view savings as a form of tithing - putting the money aside because it is what God has asked of you.

 

Also if he is a visual learner, maybe this chart could help.  Saving a little when you are younger is much more beneficial than hoping that you will be able to save large quantities later in life.  http://static3.businessinsider.com/image/53ac75e3ecad0409062ad277-791-593/monthly-savings-chart-new-1.png

 

That said, I agree that paying off high-interest debts is a top priority, and doing so will often save you more than putting cash aside.  To set your own mind at ease, perhaps compare the interest rate of the loan he is asking to pay, to the interest you would gain at the bank.  Personally, I'd want to be both paying off loans and saving, but if that isn't an option, comparing rates can help you to make a good decision.  You may be surprised to learn that his choices are based in fact.  

[Carol in Cal.]

I wonder whether part of this is that it is a pain in the whatever to sit down at the computer and move money around, so he figures he shouldn't do it until there is enough amassed to be 'worth the time'.  In that case, I wonder whether setting up an automatic payment that is tight but doable might be better.  Maybe $150 per month or something--it has to be doable but squeeze so you have to save for it just a bit.  Then in addition from time to time add a chunk.

 

Also in general, don't people who can't accept and shouldn't pay interest buy things that they hope will go up in value or that pay dividends?  Like real estate or stocks?  I don't know all the rules, but I thought that that was considered acceptable.  Not being able to accept interest doesn't mean that someone can't invest at all, that I know of.  

[Petrichor]

Also in general, don't people who can't accept and shouldn't pay interest buy things that they hope will go up in value or that pay dividends?  Like real estate or stocks?  I don't know all the rules, but I thought that that was considered acceptable.  Not being able to accept interest doesn't mean that someone can't invest at all, that I know of.  

 

Yes, you are correct about the investing.

[Bootsie]

This is a good idea, but it is really hard to describe how difficult it is to deal with someone who makes these agreements and doesn't stick to them.  Because they bind you but not him, which is ultimately pretty counterproductive/frustrating/unfair.

 

That's why we went to a set up where I pay all the bills.  I don't 'ride herd' on the budget exactly, but I think the fact that I proactively let DH know if I buy something for us or for myself, but also model prioritization, but ALSO (key!) ask him about credit card charges over a certain amount if he hasn't told me about them kind of makes him tend to minimize that kind of spending without us having a formal agreement to do so.  It's not budgeting, but it is managing spending in a kind of unplanned but effective way.  IT stays reasonably respectful because DH does the filing, so he sees everything, too.  So it's not me riding herd on him or getting mad because he didn't keep his word about a spending limit, which is kind of what we did before.  That's more or less the situation that the OP has to deal with as well.

 

I am not clear from the OP if the problem is:

 

1) Agreeing to come up with a realistic budget that both can agree to (this would include a plan on how to pay credit card bills, how to spend tax refunds, etc., how much each person has to spend without having to answer to the other, etc.)

 

OR 

 

2) Sticking to a budget once it is set

 

OR

 

3) Taking the time and trouble to document all of the budget items

 

While those can become interrelated,, how to deal with each of those takes different strategies.