lllll Posted April 8, 2017 Share Posted April 8, 2017 (edited) nm Edited April 10, 2017 by 1234 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted April 9, 2017 Share Posted April 9, 2017 I do have a hard time pushing hard because I don't want to deal with him getting angry and being unpleasant to live with, both for myself and the kids. He's also great at passive-aggressive behavior when he's upset about something, like asking me a bunch of questions about every parenting decision I make or intentionally feeding the kids something they have problems with (they have food intolerances, but not allergies) because he knows it bothers me and "They're my kids, I'll feed them what I want." And you're pretty much spot-on about the rest. We have no common interests either as a couple or as a family. We rarely do things as a family--usually I take the kids to do things. This is more concerning than the other stuff you posted. He is willing to do something that hurts your kids to get back at you. That goes beyond disengaged or neglectful. I think you need to get to a counsellor even if you have to go alone. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted April 9, 2017 Share Posted April 9, 2017 I should add that their food intolerances generally have mild or delayed reactions. So eating wheat once probably isn't going to cause a noticeable reaction outside of maybe looser stools, but eating it a few times in a month may result in a child who complains about a stomach ache almost every day for weeks. So he doesn't acknowledge that they exist. Or other foods cause mild eczema, which DH doesn't consider to be a problem because "everybody gets eczema" (he has fairly severe eczema on his feet that he does nothing about except scratch a lot and occasionally limp around when it gets bad enough to hurt). Why are you defending him? This behavior is indefensible. Everything you've said about his behavior is indefensible - but when people say that, you fall back and defend him. The fact that you are attempting, repeatedly, to defend absolutely indefensible behavior is really, really worrying. Your justifications and explanations do not make him sound better. They make him sound worse. It's like you can't even vent in a place he can't hear without looking over your shoulder just in case. I think this has gone past the point where we can help you, especially as you don't seem very interested in taking any of the excellent advice you have been offered. This is starting to look like a situation for a professional to help you untangle. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caedmyn Posted April 9, 2017 Author Share Posted April 9, 2017 (edited) Why are you defending him? This behavior is indefensible. Everything you've said about his behavior is indefensible - but when people say that, you fall back and defend him. The fact that you are attempting, repeatedly, to defend absolutely indefensible behavior is really, really worrying. Your justifications and explanations do not make him sound better. They make him sound worse. It's like you can't even vent in a place he can't hear without looking over your shoulder just in case. I think this has gone past the point where we can help you, especially as you don't seem very interested in taking any of the excellent advice you have been offered. This is starting to look like a situation for a professional to help you untangle. I'm not defending him, I'm trying to make sure I give the whole picture. I know families personally whose kids have mild reactions to foods and they choose to ignore them and continue giving them the foods. That's not my preference, and I think it's problematic for a number of reasons but this is not a "no one ever does that" thing. And I've had people tell me before that since they don't have big reactions I should just let it go, so apparently different people have different viewpoints on how big of an issue this should be. I'm not sure why you think I haven't taken any of the advice given here. I've read one of the books suggested and am reading another one. I asked DH to do more. I found someone in our church to talk to about all this...not a licensed counseler, but a form of counseling all the same. I've written down all the things I do in a day and how long I think they take. All of these suggestions came from this thread. That is not nothing. And some of the things suggested in this thread I already do, such as taking some time for self-care--I spend about 30-45 minutes a day after everybody but DD is in bed stretching and reading or watching videos on something I'm interested in, currently photography or learning about herbal medicine. Edited April 9, 2017 by caedmyn 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caedmyn Posted April 9, 2017 Author Share Posted April 9, 2017 (edited) And I do occasionally let the kids eat wheat/dairy for special occasions, though if it were up to me that would be maybe once a month or less. I have problems with both myself but can handle them on occasion, and I am ok with that for them if they tolerate it. But it's never feeding them wheat just because, it's always for something like a birthday party where it's hard to be left out and trying to provide alternatives got to be too much. Edited April 9, 2017 by caedmyn 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted April 9, 2017 Share Posted April 9, 2017 (((Caedmyn))) Praying for wisdom and health for you and your family. Anne 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted April 9, 2017 Share Posted April 9, 2017 Wishing you the very best. Big hugs. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 I'm not defending him, I'm trying to make sure I give the whole picture. I know families personally whose kids have mild reactions to foods and they choose to ignore them and continue giving them the foods. That's not my preference, and I think it's problematic for a number of reasons but this is not a "no one ever does that" thing. And I've had people tell me before that since they don't have big reactions I should just let it go, so apparently different people have different viewpoints on how big of an issue this should be. I'm not sure why you think I haven't taken any of the advice given here. I've read one of the books suggested and am reading another one. I asked DH to do more. I found someone in our church to talk to about all this...not a licensed counseler, but a form of counseling all the same. I've written down all the things I do in a day and how long I think they take. All of these suggestions came from this thread. That is not nothing. And some of the things suggested in this thread I already do, such as taking some time for self-care--I spend about 30-45 minutes a day after everybody but DD is in bed stretching and reading or watching videos on something I'm interested in, currently photography or learning about herbal medicine. I'm so glad to hear you're taking active steps toward making changes in your household. :hurray: Your situation didn't get bad overnight, so it makes sense that you're not expecting huge improvements overnight, either. You're figuring things out. You're reading books and you're getting advice. You're working at communicating with your dh. You're carving out some time for yourself. That's a lot of accomplishments in a very short time. Keep up the good work, and realize that there will be setbacks so you don't let them discourage you. It sounds like you are feeling more powerful about this, and that's the most important thing. You need the confidence to keep going and to keep making more and more of those small changes. :) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 Jumping in late and have only read the first page so far, so I am sure you have gotten lots of ideas.I am seeing your list of responsibilities and for sure it is big, BUT I also see you have lots of breaks. A nap every afternoon, the kids going to the sitter a couple days a month etc. So lots on your plate but some avenues of breaks in there. I also see that you are frustrated by the fact your dh is not helping more, understandably so.The thoughts that came to me reading this. It sounds like the cooking needs to become a family affair. The older kids, dh and you, big batch cooking, freezer meals etc. Many hands lighten the load. Added bonus the kids learn life skills of meal prep. Secondly, before you can worry about changing dh's attitude and behaviours, you need to focus on you to prevent resentments from building. Meaning yes it is a lot on your plate, but it is just a season. Focusing on feeling blessed rather than burdened is hard with so much going on, but is it possible. And sometimes it can be the only thing that keeps you putting one foot in front of the other in the day to day things. Focusing on thinking about how it is a blessing that dh works hard to provide for the family, making it possible for you to homeschool these kids and give the best education to them. To provide the budget to buy all that healthy food that allows you to make those special meals for your kids to keep them healthy, etc. Yours is not the only husband that only works and comes home, and watches the kids while mom shops. A large percentage of the fathers I know do that, my own included. That doesn't make them any less of a father or a man, they are taking on a very important part of contributing to the family by working etc. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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