Needleroozer Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 (edited) My brother in law emailed me last night that we are being asked to write up descriptions of my nephew, to be presented at the sentencing of his killer, in late November. Even though this week has gone better for me than the previous three, and I am feeling less stressed, and less psycho, the whole thought of this just throws me back three steps, ya' know? Having to write up who he was to me, what he was up to, why I will miss him, and find photos, etc, as well as document trauma from his sudden death. Sigh. I am going to have to admit that losing my nephew sent me to bed in a severe depression for two months- my sister doesn't even know that. I know we all express grief in different ways, and to be honest, running away to bed is how I cope with anything tough, but am feelign some weird sort of guilt over it. Not to mention dredging up memories. This should be a good thing, right? Why am I already avoiding it? ANyone ever have to do this? I am really struggling. I was feeling better- really I was, and now I can feel the sadness building again, and I just don't want to go there. I cannot imagine how my sister and her little family are holding together right now. If it is hurting me so, how can they even get up in the mornings? And why am I making myself so wrong for grieving so hard? Thoughts? Ideas? How can I make this a celebration of C's life, and not just another horrible reminder of his death? Thanks for listening yet again. Off to blow my nose, wipe the eyes, and go clean the living room for a bit. Edited to add the link to the trial results for Crissy, and anyone else. Edited October 24, 2008 by Needleroozer added link Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sdWTMer Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 :grouphug: I'm so sorry you're having to relive this nightmare. Hang in there LB! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kate CA Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 I don't have any experience with such a tragedy, but I want to give you the permission to grieve for a life stolen. You are allowed and should grieve - in whatever way you choose - for his lost life. Not only would I be sick at heart over the manner he died, I would be sick at heart for what will never be. These are real and valid feelings - your sadness at losing him is healthy and important. Don't ever feel badly for loving someone and for grieving. I would think you are avoiding it because it is so so painful. If I lost a nephew to such a tragic end I would probably avoid it too. These are natural feelings for no one wants to live the pain in a fresh way. If you can view the request as helping your family, of honoring your nephew for who he was, reveling in his *life* and how important a person he was, it might help you. I liked your words "celebration of C's life." His life is worth celebrating. He is worth remembering. He is worth grieving. It is right and good that you should. Hugs to you, LB, you are in a hard place and God give you His comfort. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beansprouts Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 I think you need to grieve, Needleroozer, and this ugly task might just provide the opportunity for you to do so. You can't keep stuffing your feelings, you have to pull them out and deal with them. I hope (and pray, if that is okay) that you will find healing and peace. Have you considered a bereavement support group? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OH_Homeschooler Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 Hello! I also don't have advice or even experience with such an event, but I have experienced loss and something you wrote made me want to share with you. The grieving process is not a straight line from a low point to a high point. You could be going along just fine for months then one day something will hit you in a certain way and you feel as raw and terrible as you did the day you experienced your loss. That is just the way it goes. It's perfectly normal. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yslek Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 I don't have any words for you, just :grouphug: I hope this isn't out of place, but I wanted to share a website my aunt put up to help deal with the grief of losing her son: http://www.angelsnaliens.org/ :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 Oh, LB, I'm so sorry. How totally devastating. I think everyone has given you great advice, but I would also ask, do you have to do this? If you're not up to it, if it's too much for you, can you just let them know you're not able to manage it right now--that you're barely hanging on at the moment, and you think this might put you over the top? I don't know how many others are contributing for the hearing and if your contribution would be missed, or your lack thereof would be viewed very poorly, but maybe you don't have to make yourself go there right now. I know that sounds terribly selfish, but if it means the difference between putting yourself over the edge and protecting yourself when you're particularly vulnerable... I don't know. But you're right, that is a HARD thing to have to do :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackie in AR Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 Hugs to you, LB. My prayers will be with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 :grouphug: I will be thinking of you as you deal with this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexandra Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 So sad for you and your family as well as your sister and her family. alexandra Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 I'm so sorry. It has been truly awful for you and for your family. Do you have a plan for recovering after you have written this? Can you set aside some time to go to bed with a cup of cocoa and a good book? Get a sitter for the kids so that dh can cuddle you for a couple hours interrupted? And then, once you have rested from the ordeal, do you have a plan for re-entry into life? This helps me sometimes--allowing myself time to fall apart, and then re-entering life at a predetermined time and way. For example, I might know that doing a full load of school on Monday will be too much, so I decide to re-enter real life that day by doing read-alouds in bed with the kids and putting them onto a nature documentary DVD while I take a long shower. Just some thoughts. I am sorry it's so hard. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 Ohhhh, superUGH. I was just thinking of emailing you today to see how you are doing. You are being asked to do an incredibly superHARD thing--so be very kind to yourself. No beating up of self allowed about how much it is throwing you for a loop. I think that planning how to be kind to yourself during writing it up and AFTERWARDS is excellent advice. No answers here, but definitely prayers and hugs. I'm so sorry about all of it, every step of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 Praying for you LB. Call me if you need to (or even if you just want to!) :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Needleroozer Posted October 25, 2008 Author Share Posted October 25, 2008 Thanks, everyone. I want to address all of you individually, too, but am so very exhausted right now. It took 4 hours, but the living room is clean, and rearranged for fall. I went out and bought a new art journal, and found some papers to start working in it. I have been jotting notes down all day, and will start working on the actual letter on Monday. In addition, I am creating an art journal with said materials above, that can be taken to the sentencing. I am letting all the feelings come, and the tears. I talked to Crissy, Dy, and my Dude today. They all said what you said, and I really get it. It is okay for me to grieve, when it happens, how it happens, and I do not need to saddle myself with guilt for it. I can cry- even when I don't want to. I really want to thank all of you for taking the time to help me work through this. I will try to respond individually tomorrow- the kids are in front of a movie folding laundry, and I am going to let myself crawl into bed and be comforted by the second season of Magnum PI. Thanks friends, LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zelda Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 I'm floored. I'm sorry you have to go through this. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 As for me, don't respond individually if you don't have the strength. Really. More hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readwithem Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 Oh how awful. :grouphug: I think you're doing the right thing - writing when "the mood" strikes, cleaning when *that* mood strikes. I'm so sorry you've been through this. Maybe think about what your nephew would want you to do in this situation. Ugh. Hope you can plan some "me" time on the other side of this. And thanks for considering this place a "safe" place where you will feel nurtured and comforted - IMHO that's one of the best things about the WTM boards. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mazakaal Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 That is so difficult. I'm so sorry. I'm just the same way - crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head when I get depressed. I don't always do it, but I want to! I will be praying for you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 I'm sorry, just so sorry you're going through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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