Do those of you with "phone-phobia" wish you had done something about it when you were younger?

[J-rap]

I have a dd who many people would guess is an extrovert.  She is great talking with people, and is an entertainer.  She can talk to people from the stage no problem.  But I've become more and more aware that her anxiety over calling someone on the phone is so pronounced, that I believe it is debilitating.  I think it will really inhibit her.  She is in her early 20's, and is willing to listen to me.   :)  I've thought about recommending behavior therapy, or something like that.  I don't know.  It just seems like now might be a good time to encourage her to try and work past it, with some help.  Of course in the end, it will be up to her to decide.  But I'm curious what others think who have this same phobia!

 

[CadenceSophia]

I don't know how severe it has to be to be what your are describing as phone-phobia but it is possible I fit into the category. I have paid late fees on bills because I couldn't handle calling someone to pay ...for like a month. Serious enough? Lol. No, I don't wish I had done something about it. I am perfectly capable of working past it if I have to. I can also make phone calls in a professional capacity without any anxiety.

 

I guess if it applies in a broader area like friends/family, making a reservation for something you actually want to do.. I'm not in that category so maybe that is different.

[HSmomof2]

I had this phone phobia quite badly as a young person. I still don't prefer calling on the phone (love the invention of texting😊). Anyway, during college, I needed a part-time job and got one as a receptionist. Answering the phone literally 75+ times per shift helped cure my phone phobia. It was really, really hard in the beginning but got easier with time to where it just wasn't an issue any more.

[marbel]

Exposure definitely helps. I am phone-adverse to some extent, although I can generally push through after years of having to make and take phone calls.

 

A script ? It sounds ridiculous, and I mean, I guess it is...but when I was younger and I had to call to make an appointment or something, I'd write down what I needed to say. 

 

Apparently being phone adverse isn't uncommon. 

 

Is it all phone calls, or just a subset ? For example, calling family doesn't bother me, but making appointments does.

 

 

I don't think it's ridiculous.  Scripts can be helpful.

 

Both my kids dislike using the phone, but one is truly phone-phobic, and has always been.   At around age 11, this child joined Scouts, and as a leader of a group, had to call people periodically.  It was torture. So we did role-playing and created scripts, and a checklist of what was to be covered in the call.    At some point I found out that all the kids holding that position hating making the calls as much as my child did.  So much that many didn't make them even though that was part of the "job."  

 

Now, this child is an older teen, and still has to make calls periodically.  For something really complicated we will still do scripts and checklists, but they are getting better with practice.   

 

I never would have believed this individual would ever call to make, say, a dentist appointment, and put it on the family calendar, without my help.  But it's happening.  

 

I think phone-phobia is going to become more prevalent as kids get their own phones at younger ages and text among their peers rather than call.  I think it just makes it harder when a real phone call is needed. And, it's harder for them to learn phone etiquette.  But, then again, the phone is needed less and less.  Even some doctors have online appointment scheduling.  That's about the only thing I use the phone for, except for chatting with friends and family.

[RegGuheert]

We have a friend who is a homeschooling mom who seems like a completely different person on the telephone. The first few times I met her were on the telephone and, based on how curt she was, I figured she was this grumpy person who did not like people very much. Then I met her in person. My initial impressions couldn't have been farther from the truth! She is very friendly and will carry on a very pleasant conversation. She is well-known in the homeschooling community as a leader and an organizer.

 

All that to say that incorrect first impressions can be made on the telephone. That's a cautionary tale for everyone, but it might also serve as motivation for your daughter to consider how others might perceive her. We often encourage our children to try to focus more on others around them than their own insecurities. The reason is that those insecurities are often taken as something else entirely, even if they are not meant as such. They might just keep others from getting their feelings hurt by focusing more on that other person's needs instead of their own.

 

Of course all of that is much more easily said than done.

[Guest]

In my case, it doesn't change much even when I had to do it. When I was 18-25, I worked in law firms. This was also before the internet, so I had to make a lot of phone calls that I didn't want to make. I still had intense anxiety whenever it was necessary. I still have to make calls some because I assist my husband with his company, but the internet, email, and texting has drastically reduced the necessity. I still have to psych myself up to make phone calls; once the phone call is over, I almost always say, "What was so bad about that?" But sometimes I have ended up crying if I couldn't make headway with it.

 

I don't think it would have made a difference if someone had tried to do behavior therapy on me. Being a secretary sort of was behavior therapy because I simply had to do it sometimes. But even after all that exposure, I still have anxiety that borders on intense. I can relate to the poster above who said she has paid bills because she didn't want to call. I do this, too. There's a couple things I need to clear up with my satellite company but I haven't made myself call them.

[HomeAgain]

My reluctance stemmed from a childhood speech impediment.  It took me until I was 22 to order a pizza over the phone, 28 until I used a drive thru.  The only way I deal is by running through the conversation in my head, mentally pulling out any tricky words, and making sure I say them slowly and carefully.

 

You know what, though?  I still don't do much over the phone.  Nearly any place does online business now, and the ones that don't I'm willing to walk in to get business done.  I have few places I actually need to call and talk to a real human.

[lailasmum]

I'm very phone adverse. I found it a problem when I was younger but so much is now done online that most things I needed to do on the phone are achievable other ways. I recently did have to make a phone call and completely screwed up talking in an understandable way and that was embarrassing. I find it quite anxiety inducing so I think it causes problems with thinking clearly. I'm not sure what would have solved it. I'm not great with reading people and communicating face to face so speaking on a phone removes all the feedback you get face to face and it's even worse. 

[Guest]

BTW, I agree with making scripts and checklists so I can address all the necessary points. I'm rehearsing in my head while it rings..."Hi, this is Danielle and I'm calling because I need..." I always say that I'm channeling my mom, who is a tremendous extrovert and LOVES calling people. I just imagine that I'm my mom, like I am an actress in a play and I'm pretending to be a confident phone caller. :D

 

Also, I don't think phone aversion relates to other forms of social anxiety. I don't mind public speaking, for example. I am fine with calling friends or family for social purposes (although I am more likely to text or use a messaging app). It's dealing with businesses and trying to accomplish some specific goal that is shear misery.

[heartlikealion]

This might sound dumb, but would it help if you role played with her? Maybe she's so young she hasn't made that many professional calls and thinks she will freeze or something. If you are used to calling the cable company, the insurance co., etc. then you might have an idea of what they will say to prep your dd. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with the anxiety, though.

 

I don't know that I have a phone phobia, but I dislike answering the phone/calling for a lot of things. For example, I would rather order a pizza online than call and place an order. And I have asked dh to make phone calls many times. If I am the one making the call I try to write down what I need to ask before I call in many cases. If I can do online chat I sometimes do that (Amazon customer service, etc.).

[RegGuheert]

It's dealing with businesses and trying to accomplish some specific goal that is shear misery.

I would say that's EXTREMELY common. And there's a very good reason for it: many corporations and the government do a terrible job of customer service. The phone systems are often a labyrinth of menus with a perky-sounding robot on the other end. At your "destination," you are often put on hold and sometimes the line just drops. Many systems do not give you a clue as to hold times and those that do often are overly-optimistic.

 

All that said, my recent experiences with some large corporations have been quite positive: T-Mobile (who has always been great), American Express and Enphase Energy all have done a very good job. I suppose most of my frustrations tend to be with smaller companies and the government.

[heartlikealion]

I would say that's EXTREMELY common. And there's a very good reason for it: many corporations and the government do a terrible job of customer service. The phone systems are often a labyrinth of menus with a perky-sounding robot on the other end. At your "destination," you are often put on hold and sometimes the line just drops. Many systems do not give you a clue as to hold times and those that do often are overly-optimistic.

 

All that said, my recent experiences with some large corporations have been quite positive: T-Mobile (who has always been great), American Express and Enphase Energy all have done a very good job. I suppose most of my frustrations tend to be with smaller companies and the government.

 

I was on hold with the insurance company for 13 min. yesterday before I gave up. There was no idea of how long my wait would be. I planned the phone call when dd was asleep in the car and I was waiting for ds to get out of school. I guess I'll try again today.

[Garga]

I worked for a health insurance company and for two years did customer service there. At least once a day, and often 3 or 4 times, I would get a difficult phone call with someone very angry at the company and I would break out in a sweat and shake. Just sit there on the phone with sweat on my brow, shaking.

 

I hate talking on the phone.

 

Part of it is that there are no proper cues. A huge (more than half) percent of communication is in body language, and when you take that away, communication is very difficult. At least with texting you can pause and make sure you've got the right words. On the phone, you're flying by the seat of your pants in real time.

 

I'd look into seeing if there is counselling for this sort of thing. And if there is, report back because I think I'd like some!

 

If not, then writing out what needs to be said ahead of time is how I deal with it now. I also will schedule phone calls for a specific time on a specific day. Like, today I have to reschedule some dentist appointments, and I'm making the call at 2:00. I've known that I have to make the calls for a couple of days, but I had to schedule it on the calendar or I can't get up the nerve to do it.

Edited January 13, 2017 by Garga

[SparklyUnicorn]

I would say that's EXTREMELY common. And there's a very good reason for it: many corporations and the government do a terrible job of customer service. The phone systems are often a labyrinth of menus with a perky-sounding robot on the other end. At your "destination," you are often put on hold and sometimes the line just drops. Many systems do not give you a clue as to hold times and those that do often are overly-optimistic.

 

All that said, my recent experiences with some large corporations have been quite positive: T-Mobile (who has always been great), American Express and Enphase Energy all have done a very good job. I suppose most of my frustrations tend to be with smaller companies and the government.

 

I write down what I plan to say because sometimes I wait so long to actually talk to someone that by that point I'm not even sure why I called anymore.  LOL

 

I hate this press blah for blah...listen to this menu...press this...press that...wait...wait....get hung up on...start over.  HOLY FRACK

[Guest]

I would say that's EXTREMELY common. And there's a very good reason for it: many corporations and the government do a terrible job of customer service. The phone systems are often a labyrinth of menus with a perky-sounding robot on the other end. At your "destination," you are often put on hold and sometimes the line just drops. Many systems do not give you a clue as to hold times and those that do often are overly-optimistic.

 

All that said, my recent experiences with some large corporations have been quite positive: T-Mobile (who has always been great), American Express and Enphase Energy all have done a very good job. I suppose most of my frustrations tend to be with smaller companies and the government.

Yes. One of the worst in history was Verizon. I was trying to get a repair to the line at my MIL's house, which is where our business office is. It took well over a month, almost two months. Their system is (or was at the time) all automated by voice. If I sneezed, it screwed up the directive. I eventually learned that you could say, "Customer Service," even though they never actually tell you that is a choice. But, not that it helped, because even the human beings were horrible to deal with, passing me back and forth between "Repairs" and "Billing," with nobody actually solving the problem. Multiple times I was simply disconnected after having been passed around for an hour.

 

I shed an absurd amount of tears over that darn problem, and I also paid for two month's-worth of phone service that I actually did not have. Getting the line fixed was hard enough; there was no way in the world I was going to now try to get someone to back out the charges.

[mom2scouts]

I'm somewhat relieved to see how many other people have this problem. DH is often frustrated with me because of it. I'll do almost anything to avoid making a phone call and he does it without a second thought. I am very tuned into facial expressions and body language and dh isn't so he doesn't understand why I find phone calls anxiety producing.

[SparklyUnicorn]

A lot of people have told me they hate talking on the phone.  I don't think that's unusual really.  I guess if a person absolutely cannot manage it then maybe they need some help with it.

 

These days a lot of stuff is not done by phone.  I like that!

 

 

[Guest]

I'm somewhat relieved to see how many other people have this problem. DH is often frustrated with me because of it. I'll do almost anything to avoid making a phone call and he does it without a second thought. I am very tuned into facial expressions and body language and dh isn't so he doesn't understand why I find phone calls anxiety producing.

Two days ago, I was in the office, listening as my DH called several heating oil companies, trying to get the best price for an oil fill up. He was on speakerphone, so I could hear the manager/sales person on the other end. Just listening to this conversation filled me with anxiety. The one manager was very annoyed because we have not used them in 3 years and I could tell she was very reluctant to give DH the "loyal customer" rate, because we aren't loyal customers! He got it accomplished, though. I would not have made those calls in a million years, not at gunpoint, not under a Presidential order. Well, maybe under a Presidential order. But calling just to beg the price down a bit? Nope. Never.

[RegGuheert]

I hate talking on the phone.

Having met both you and Danielle, I would never guess that either of you would be uncomfortable talking on the phone.

Part of it is that there are no proper queues. A huge (more than half) percent of communication is in body language, and when you take that away, communication is very difficult.

I absolutely agree. Not having feedback makes communication really difficult.

 

I have spoken with groups of many sizes (up to about 300 people) all around the world and am typically very at-ease doing that (some would say too much so!). But once I made a promotional video in a professional studio with basically the same message as I would normally give. For some reason, I got extremely nervous and had to do take after take after take before we got something we could use. (The problem got worse with each take.) The issue was that I got NO FEEDBACK from that camera. It just sat there. Cold and blank. :blink:

 

What's funny is that I have done global webinars with as many 100 people on the presentation and I did not get NEARLY as nervous as that day with the camera. I'm not sure why that was, since I did not get any feedback then, either. I suppose I just KNEW they were out there lapping up every word! :laugh:

 

(One funny thing about the video: I DID get feedback from it. For YEARS after I made that video I would meet people all around the world and they would say "You're the guy from the video!")

 

One final anecdote: I used to work with a sales guy who really didn't like to talk to people much, even in person. So much so that when we would visit HIS customers together, I would typically conduct the meeting. One day I asked him how he managed to do his job since it required cold calling lots of customers and he really didn't like chatting much. I'll never forget his answer: "Actually, it is an advantage for me. When I cold call a customer, I say my piece, wrap up my business and hang up. I can easily get in 10 to 12 calls in an hour. You, on the other hand, will strike up a conversation with the poor soul on the other end of the line, tell them your life story and will be on the line for AT LEAST 15 minutes, meaning you cannot get in more than four calls each hour, if that."

 

Guilty as charged! :lol:

Edited January 13, 2017 by RegGuheert

[lllll]

I'm not sure what it is with me and phones.  I can talk.  I just don't enjoy it.  And I avoid it if at all possible.  Maybe it's like some others here have said, I depend a LOT on body language to carry on a conversation.  And I have zero of that on the phone.  

 

I had a typist/secretarial job for a group of dentists once.  My supervisor, the head secretary, decided I should do more answering of the phones.  So I did.  I wasn't scared or anything like that - just businesslike and brief.  But the people calling were used to talking to this VERY Southern, chatty head secretary, and when they got me instead .... well, all I know is that the main boss (a NYC transplant, btw) was suddenly telling me I needed to 'work on my phone skills'.   :001_huh:   I had NO clue what he was talking about.  But, in the end, it was kind of hilarious - this chatty secretary trying to get me to be more like her.  That was a losing battle, to be sure.  Fortunately, I left that job and returned to college not long after they began the campaign to rehabilitate me.  No one ever cared about my phone skills in the hospital labs I worked in.

 

Maybe it would help if you could figure out exactly what the problem is with your dd and phones.  Mine was more along the lines of hating (and being rather horrible at) chit chat.  In person, I can kind of work around that, taking my clues from the body language, etc.  But maybe it's just a minor thing with your dd that you can practice with her as others said.  

 

It would be fascinating to find out exactly what those of us who hate phones are really reacting to.  

 

Oh, and our family recently all got smart phones.  And, oddly enough, I'm finding that the speaker feature on this phone helps me with my lousy phone skills.  I no longer feel like I'm having to yell into a dark, little hole to someone over in the next county.  It's almost like the person is right there in the room, so I'm able to relax a little.  I can hear background noises well and everything.

 

I think I'd definitely talk with her and try to find out what the source of the anxiety is.  Because there just might be a way to work around it.  

 

And   :grouphug:  to your dd.  

[wendyroo]

Exposure definitely helps. I am phone-adverse to some extent, although I can generally push through after years of having to make and take phone calls.

 

A script ? It sounds ridiculous, and I mean, I guess it is...but when I was younger and I had to call to make an appointment or something, I'd write down what I needed to say. 

 

Apparently being phone adverse isn't uncommon. 

 

Is it all phone calls, or just a subset ? For example, calling family doesn't bother me, but making appointments does.

 

I'm the exact opposite.

 

I've always been anxious about the phone, but over time I have become adept at writing appropriate scripts for business calls (making appointments, ordering pizza, calling for lab results, etc).  I still fumble a lot when those types of places call me (the pediatrician needs to reschedule our appointment), because I am caught off guard, but as long as I am the one initiating the call I can handle it without anxiety.

 

Personal calls, on the other hand, are pure, anxious misery.  What am I supposed to say?  You can't script that kind of call...though I certainly try.  So, I run through my bullet point list of topics (How was your trip?, Audrey is walking now, We're planning to install hard wood floors soon.) and then it is just awkward bumbling as I figure out how how long I have to stay on the phone to be polite and how I can guide the call  to an end.  Business calls are easy - when the business is finished everyone says some variation of "Thank you, Goodbye" and then hangs up.  Personal calls are a labyrinth of vague social niceties.   :ack2:

 

As for exposure, when I was a teen, my mom (who loves talking on the phone) decided to cure me of my phone anxiety.  She wrote the names of extended family members on slips of paper and every Sunday I had to draw out a slip and call that person.  The calls had to last at least 15 minutes, and each time she would remind me that "You know them!  You like them!  You are perfectly capable of talking to them for 15 minutes!"  I was capable in that the phone calls did not actually kill me, but in every other respect they were utter failures that strongly reinforced my fears.

 

Wendy

[Guest]

I think part of in-person chit chat is assisted by the common environment. You can say, "Oh, that sandwhich looks good...have you eaten here before? Look at that dessert that just went to the other table! Sure is noisy in here...that's a pretty coat...i like your hair cut..." Tons and tons of shared-environment things you can mention. But phone chit-chat is harder (for me), unless the person discloses something; "I meant to call you earlier, but I was helping my kid get settled back at college..."

 

For myself, the source of anxiety is when I may not be able to obtain the help or information I seek. There's also a fear that I will not properly make the person understand what I need, which is why my mental script is to say what I need right away. I also hate conflict, so I avoid any "bearer of bad news" calls where I know the person will not like what I have to say.

[Garga]

I no longer feel like I'm having to yell into a dark, little hole to someone over in the next county.

This sentence struck me as hilarious! Thanks for the laugh. :)

[RegGuheert]

I think part of in-person chit chat is assisted by the common environment. You can say, "Oh, that sandwhich looks good...have you eaten here before? Look at that dessert that just went to the other table! Sure is noisy in here...that's a pretty coat...i like your hair cut..." Tons and tons of shared-environment things you can mention.

The sales guy I mentioned above once chided me after a customer visit: "If my customer has a huge, disfiguring scar on their face, don't strike up a conversation about THAT!" :lol:

[RegGuheert]

After a couple of tries, I found a humorous YouTube video on automated phone menus that was not full of cursing. (If you want to hear cursing, open this one in YouTube and the ones on the right will have the cursing.)

 

Edited January 13, 2017 by RegGuheert