Vent and How do you handle this type of comment?

[Outdoorsy Type]

Let's say you have a health problem that makes weight loss a little hard. You are finally at a point where you can accept yourself and live a full and health full life. Yay!

 

But you have family members, who, while they would never ever comment on your weight, they do make lots and lots of weight related comments. Every get together ends with them talking about the weight of a person who just left. OR congratulatory talk of family member who lost weight. Major admiration for the tall and thin family members, recollections of when family members who have passed were young and thin/beautiful. Get my drift?

 

I spent decades of my life feeling like my weight was a moral failing. I'm done. I change the subject on these topics, but they never go away.

 

It feels like every comment adds up like stones in a bag that I am tired of carrying. Of course everyone in this situation is "nice".

 

Vent over.

[StephanieZ]

FWIW, although I didn't have health problems nor intractable weight issues, I have BTDT -- and I totally understand how miserable it is.

 

I finally just let loose on my beloved family member how ugly their comments were, how unkind it was to criticize other loved family who were fat but not in the room, and how unattractive it was for them to make such commentary, and that I would not listen to it any more, so STFU when I am around, period. The person who made the ugly comments was truly one of the best humans I've ever known, and I loved her dearly, so it was not a situation where I gleefully found a way to criticize someone . . . instead, it was a painful recognition of the truth that this wonderful person had some issues that led her to say ugly things . . .

 

Anyway, once I threw away the blindfold of pretending everything was OK, it got much, much, much better. I might have had to repeat myself once or twice, but that's it. The problem went away . . . You have to be ready for a bit of a rumble, but it is WORTH IT, IME, because if you really love the person whose saying such ugly things, it is really hard on your relationship to hear them. Once the stream of words ends, you can begin letting the hurt go. 

 

And, FWIW, IME, these things are NOT about you. It's about the speaker, their insecurities, their fears, their judgements . . . Feel sorry for them, but for goodness sake, shut them up, too, for the good of all of you.

 

 

[marbel]

My MIL is like that. Always making comments about people's weight, what they are eating, etc. I struggle with my weight and always have, and I can't help but take it personally. I would vent to my husband about it. Finally he started asking her "why do you talk about that so much?". "why do you comment on or care about what people are eating?". It has helped some. I just stay silent when the topic comes up, just like she did when we would try to talk about homeschooling. The silent treatment helps too.

 

Hugs to you.

[El...]

You might raise your eyebrows to your hairline, and say a stock phrase, "What makes you say that?" (calmly) or "Why ever would you say that?" or "What on earth makes you say something like that?!?" (not quite so calmly).  Then silently stare while they backtrack.

[Seasider]

loudly, as I am gathering up my stuff:

 

"Let's get going, honey, we want to be sure and leave these folks plenty of time to discuss our issues/my weight before they have to get home themselves."

 

To the group as they stare at me in shock:

 

"Y'all be sure and talk about whose turn it'll be to leave first next time."

 

Exit with a smile and go do something fun with people who love me just the way I am.

Edited December 26, 2016 by Seasider

[kewb]

Are we related? There is one branch of the family that is obsessed with weight.

 

I ignore it as best I can and refuse to participate in the discussion.

Edited December 26, 2016 by kewb

[Outdoorsy Type]

 

it is WORTH IT, IME, because if you really love the person whose saying such ugly things, it is really hard on your relationship to hear them. Once the stream of words ends, you can begin letting the hurt go.

 

.

This is good advice. For what it's worth, it's not just one person, but a whole generation of family members on both sides. Maybe it's just society and the standards. I tend to ignore comments or change the subject, and then wish I knew the right thing to say. I have a poor relationship with some lovely people because it hurts so much the next day.

[Tess in the Burbs]

I'm in the same position. Health issues cause weight issues. I'm done trying so hard for no success. This is me. Apparently I'm the only one who likes me this way

[Selkie]

People who talk about weight incessantly bore me to death. I really don't understand their fascination with the topic.  :thumbdown:

[LucyStoner]

I assume such people have issues that I'm not going to resolve for them. I would tell them to knock it off if they were being unkind or remove myself from the conversation.

[TranquilMind]

Let's say you have a health problem that makes weight loss a little hard. You are finally at a point where you can accept yourself and live a full and health full life. Yay!

 

But you have family members, who, while they would never ever comment on your weight, they do make lots and lots of weight related comments. Every get together ends with them talking about the weight of a person who just left. OR congratulatory talk of family member who lost weight. Major admiration for the tall and thin family members, recollections of when family members who have passed were young and thin/beautiful. Get my drift?

 

I spent decades of my life feeling like my weight was a moral failing. I'm done. I change the subject on these topics, but they never go away.

 

It feels like every comment adds up like stones in a bag that I am tired of carrying. Of course everyone in this situation is "nice".

 

Vent over.

 

How about, "How about let's talk about something other than weight.  Aunt Sally...did you take that trip to Florida?" (or something)."

 

 

Edited December 26, 2016 by TranquilMind

[bolt.]

It might be a good time for my technique of creating brief awkwardness by just saying "I don't like (whatever)." (In this case, "I don't like comments about body weight.") -- and letting it hang in the air without making any attempt to smooth a transition.

 

It's tremendously awkward, and therefore it's hard to spit out, but it works really well.

Edited December 26, 2016 by bolt.

[Carol in Cal.]

If they don't have anything better to talk about, then they must be pretty boring people.

When I'm around boring people I run tapes in my head.  Music, things to do, whatever.  I can smile while doing this.  It's a life skill.

[Alicia64]

My family has a thing about weight AND "being cute." I think it's incredibly immature, unkind behavior.

 

Alley

[GinaPagnato]

It's interesting when they say these things with you in the room, considering you say you've struggled with your weight in the past. Makes me think they're pretty clueless and they don't put you in that category.  Bad for them and good for you, lol? Agree that it's people who are pretty boring who can find nothing else of interest to discuss wrt other people.

 

:grouphug:

[EMS83]

I'm in the same position. Health issues cause weight issues. I'm done trying so hard for no success. This is me. Apparently I'm the only one who likes me this way

:grouphug:

[zoobie]

Leave first and say, "I'm leaving early to give y'all the chance to talk about how fat I am! Ciao!"