What would you advise? Family stuff

[Scarlett]

Being a private person doesn't mean one is being secretive. I don't tell people in my circle that I am expecting until I am into the second trimester. I've had a lot of miscarriages over the years, more than a few around or past 11 weeks and that I don't choose to share that worry and pain with most people as I am experiencing it. I don't want most people to know because bluntly, a lot of people just don't know what to say or do. I can't take care of other people's feelings when I need to take care of myself. I have a few people I can tell and depend on their support. That doesn't include all or even most people.

 

It is way off the mark to catagorize this family as secretive and to assume that there would not be stress or a problem if they had told people sooner.

 

Some people get to announce their pregnancies publically as soon as they pee on the darn stick. Many of us however are just not that fortunate.

Well I get that. I know some people feel that way. But not everyone does.

 

I am sorry for your losses.

[Scarlett]

But you missed the point entirely when you made it about yourself and continue to do so. That's the core of the problem. You were told multiple times in incredibly gentle terms how wrong you are to make what you would want the standard for other people's behavior. You couldn't hear it, process it, and apply it, so I told you bluntly and directly in hopes that you will not oppress some poor woman in the future with your approach to this if you deal with it IRL.

 

Everyone is different. There are people who will tell every little bit (not really, because based on the clueless responses here I can tell who has no idea about the cold, hard, grisly physical realities of the range of miscarriages,) there will be people who will speak of it to some degree AT SOME POINT, and there will be those who will not speak of it to anyone but their partner and doctor. If that's what they truly want to do, then they're right and suggesting anything else is dead wrong. What you would personally do isn't relevant. The only relevant information is what each individual woman in question truly wants to do and how she wants to be supported. Your advice is bad and the OP clearly isn't headed in the right direction when she decided she an "objective 3rd party" is applicable int he situation. It isn't. It's the entirely wrong way to look at it.

 

It's time we stopped telling women that they don't get to decide or can't decide for themselves what they want just because they're sad and hormonal. It's paternalistic and condescending. People need to knock it off. Why that poor woman believes she needs someone else to tell her how to handle this is just tragic. The respectful, kind, compassionate thing to do is reassure her that she's perfectly capable of listening to her gut and doing what she truly wants and that no one else's feelings need be considered in this situation because they're not grieving. She's not a raging drunk signing a legal document for heave's sake! She doesn't need someone else to be her parent, she needs a supportive friend who'll back her up whatever she decides.

I don't know why you feel the need to dress me down for my opinion.

 

The OP asked for thoughts because her sister asked her for guidance. I am glad you always know what is the best thing to do but sometimes people need a little help in sorting things out.

[Seasider]

Wow. Could you tell us how you really feel? 😉

 

Yes people have a right to privacy. Surely there can be a balance found between never speak of it and tell every detail.

 

I think sometimes the secrecy/ privacy comes as a result of an already overbearing and critical family-- as indicated by the OP. When people begin establishing healthy boundaries....I think they sometimes go overboard.

 

And that is just my opinion. I tell a lot. But I have healthy relationships with the people in my life.....people who treat me well. And the ones who don't treat me well....I have tools to tell them to back away when I need that.

 

Op I am sorry for your sisters loss.

Desire for privacy =/= unhealthy relationships. If that's what you think....you are wrong.

[swellmomma]

So, if one of your siblings came to you with this situation, what would you advise?

Requesting sibling just found out this week that their baby had died in utero (11 weeks). They had not told (most) family about the pregnancy yet. They have elected to see if it will miscarry on its own and reportedly, there is some bleeding/cramping, although it is minor.

 

There is a large family gathering on Saturday that they have already said they will attend. As long as the miscarriage isn't too far along, they were still planning on going.

 

Enter The Situation.

 

Another sibling RSVP'd through an e-vite site that "all 4 1/2 of us" will be coming - which indicates they are pregnant again, we assume. This is the first any of us have heard of this. Requesting sibling is now not sure about going since the feelings are very raw about losing their baby and they aren't close enough to the extended family who will all be there to share their pregnancy & loss. Thus, there will be no sparing of feelings for this sibling's family when discussing the new pregnancy of other sibling. They are siblings, so will be expected to share joy.

 

I thought requesting sibling should share with newly pregnant sibling privately the loss & why their family won't be all happy-go-lucky. I've also thought of just suggesting they stay home since 1) they won't be in any mood to be festive and 2) she shouldn't be too far from home/hospital in case of complications with the miscarriage. However, there will be lots of questions about them being absent since they've already said they will go.

 

What would you advise my sib?

I think your suggestion is good. When i had my miscarriage i had to help host my sister's bridal shower. I had found out my baby had passed but had not yet started bleeding just cramping. My family knew but no one else did. It was horrible to see the ladies there pregnant and having to keep a smile on my face for the happy occasion. I still regret going, i should have stayed home and focused on myself rather than trying to appear happy for the sake of others.

[Scarlett]

Desire for privacy =/= unhealthy relationships. If that's what you think....you are wrong.

Again it is my opinion so I am not wrong. In my experience it is very difficult to cultivate strong relationships and friendships with people who are extremely private.

 

As for the OP's original question about her sister......since no one knows about the pregnancy and since the risk of serious bloodloss is high.....I would advice her to stay home and take care of herself.

[Seasider]

Again it is my opinion so I am not wrong. In my experience it is very difficult to cultivate strong relationships and friendships with people who are extremely private.

 

As for the OP's original question about her sister......since no one knows about the pregnancy and since the risk of serious bloodloss is high.....I would advice her to stay home and take care of herself.

You are wrong when you insist that your opinion applies to the dynamics of relationships other than your own.

[poppy]

I thought I posted earlier but it appears it didn't show up, oh well. I had a miscarriage. My advice is, let them do as they wish.

 

Again it is my opinion so I am not wrong. In my experience it is very difficult to cultivate strong relationships and friendships with people who are extremely private.

As for the OP's original question about her sister......since no one knows about the pregnancy and since the risk of serious bloodloss is high.....I would advice her to stay home and take care of herself.

 

Not wanting family to discuss with you, in person, your in progress miscarriage is not "extremely private" .  I would go so far as to saying wanting it to be dinner table conversation with in-laws is ..... well, if that is your family culture, it's fine. But I wouldn't call it emotionally healthy in every family context. 

 

[mommytobees]

Desire for privacy =/= unhealthy relationships. If that's what you think....you are wrong.

 

That is so very incorrect.

 

Kris

[wintermom]

Again it is my opinion so I am not wrong. 

 

Gotta love this age that everyone's opinion is to be held to equal value for everyone. 

 

Just because one has a venue to provide an opinion, doesn't make it an expert or informed opinion. It's an opinion, and it's yours. 

Edited November 26, 2016 by wintermom

[Seasider]

That is so very incorrect.

 

Kris

Clarifying - do you believe that if a woman suffering miscarriage prefers privacy, it automatically means her extended family relationships are dysfunctional?

[hornblower]

I'm one of the posters who thinks she should just tell and let me clarify......because I think it hinges on something about whom call family. 

I don't think she needs to tell co-workers, or neighbours, or women in her book club.  What I've gathered from these boards is that many of you maintain contact & attend social events with people you call family, but they're not what I call family. In my life, I don't bother with any of these people. Like literally, have not seen them in years though most live within a 30 min drive. 

If you have family with whom you spend important holidays, you tell them.  If you don't have that kind of relationship, then who cares what they think; just don't show up if you don't feel like it. They're not family, just random people to whom you're somehow related but they actually belong in the same category as co-workers.   

 

Family are the people whom I tell things.  People I don't tell things, are not family.  That's why it seems odd not to tell, kwim?  

[SereneHome]

I am very VERY close with my parents.  Both, my mom and my dad.

 

A few weeks ago I had a possible mastitis, even though I am not nursing and haven't been for a long time.  I went to my dr, various things were discussed.  I told my mom.  I also told her NOT to tell my dad.  I was very scared and needed to talk to someone but I did not feel comfortable discussing my breasts with my dad or him even knowing about it.  He knew I was going through something.  He was praying for me.  That was enough.

 

Not discussing certain medical issues even with close family members does not equate to lack of close relationship or unhealthy relationship. 

 

I would actually argue that discussing and disclosing everything, no matter how personal is not that healthy.  But!  To each their own and each relationship is different

 

To answer OP -

  I would tell my sibling that I am there for her, I will do whatever she needs me to do but ultimate decision has to be hers and hers along exactly BECAUSE people deal very very differently with medical and privacy issues.  I would "cover" for her at the family gathering if she needed me to, but I would absolutely not say "do this or don't do that".  And I would certainly hope that she didn't feel like I am not there for her

 

[poppy]

I'm one of the posters who thinks she should just tell and let me clarify......because I think it hinges on something about whom call family. 

I don't think she needs to tell co-workers, or neighbours, or women in her book club.  What I've gathered from these boards is that many of you maintain contact & attend social events with people you call family, but they're not what I call family. In my life, I don't bother with any of these people. Like literally, have not seen them in years though most live within a 30 min drive. 

 

If you have family with whom you spend important holidays, you tell them.  If you don't have that kind of relationship, then who cares what they think; just don't show up if you don't feel like it. They're not family, just random people to whom you're somehow related but they actually belong in the same category as co-workers.   

 

Family are the people whom I tell things.  People I don't tell things, are not family.  That's why it seems odd not to tell, kwim?  

 

You tell them .. what? Everything?

Do you discuss fights with your husband in detail?

Do you talk about your period?

Do you discuss your sex life? 

Every person has a line. 

I don't understand deciding for someone else what that line should be.

[fraidycat]

You tell them .. what? Everything?

Do you discuss fights with your husband in detail?

Do you talk about your period?

Do you discuss your sex life?

Every person has a line.

I don't understand deciding for someone else what that line should be.

Exactly!

 

No one else gets to decide. Just like no one else gets to decide who is or is not considered "family".

 

The Hive never ceases to amaze me on what can be turned into a contentious subject.

 

I consider my brother family. Close family, even. He's perfectly aware of how a woman's body works. I might even whine to him if I have period cramps, because he's a nice brother and will grab me a painkiller and a glass of water. But, I'm not about to discuss with him the ins and outs of my period flow, my sex life with my husband, my childrens' private matters, my chafed area under my breasts from my bra or anything like that. He's family. I spend holidays with him. Heck, I work with and for him in his company part-time. We sit in a truck cab together, for multiple hours per day, and I STILL get to decide what I do and do not share with him there, or at the holiday meal table.

Edited November 26, 2016 by fraidycat

[fraidycat]

That is so very incorrect.

 

Kris

Nope. Not one bit.

[hornblower]

I don't consider pregnancy or miscarriage to be like my sex life. 

 

[poppy]

I don't consider pregnancy or miscarriage to be like my sex life. 

 

 

 

I do think where your line of comfort is, is fairly personal.

 

I can't imagine telling aunts and uncles and in laws and friends "we're trying to get pregnant!"   To me that's discussing having sex and your birth control choices past and present- none of which is comfortable dinner table chatter. Others would feel weird not saying it.  Different strokes.

[hornblower]

I do think where your line of comfort is, is fairly personal.

 

I can't imagine telling aunts and uncles and in laws and friends "we're trying to get pregnant!"   To me that's discussing having sex and your birth control choices past and present- none of which is comfortable dinner table chatter. Others would feel weird not saying it.  Different strokes.

But this isn't about saying 'we're trying to get pregnant' (though now that I think of it we had those discussions at family dinners because a relative went through fertility treatments) 

 

This is "I am pregnant" and "I was pregnant but I've miscarried".  And I didn't suggest that it be a topic for the dinner.  

 

I said email/fb everyone (or just one person who's charged with telling everyone else) so they know, and can hug you & say sorry, & just avoid saying stupid things like "gee it's sad that all these kids are grown up now, can't wait for the next generation of little feet because these events need little kids!" <--- that's the kind of comment that would be hurtful to someone who's just experienced a miscarriage but people would make it inadvertently, kwim? Kind family wants to know so they can steer conversation away from painful conversations. 

 

(deleted rest)

 

 

 

Edited November 27, 2016 by hornblower

[poppy]

removed

Edited November 27, 2016 by poppy

[Storygirl]

Eighteen years ago my SIL miscarried twins, five months along. She had to go through labor and deliver them. They had a funeral and buried the twins but asked that only the grandparents attend. They did not even want to share their grief with their siblings. A couple of weeks later, when I saw them, they never mentioned the experience, but I wanted to acknowledge it. I hugged SIL as she was on her way out the door and whispered, "I'm sorry." She became teary and hurried out.

 

Those are the only words I ever said to her about it. As far as I know, she has never talked to anyone in our family about it, ever, not one word. That's her right, as the grieving mother, and it was her decision to make.

 

We are still a close family.

 

OP, I think it is sweet that you want to support and help your sister. I hope she has made her decision about attending the event and has peace about it.

[Scarlett]

I thought I posted earlier but it appears it didn't show up, oh well. I had a miscarriage. My advice is, let them do as they wish.

 

 

Not wanting family to discuss with you, in person, your in progress miscarriage is not "extremely private" . I would go so far as to saying wanting it to be dinner table conversation with in-laws is ..... well, if that is your family culture, it's fine. But I wouldn't call it emotionally healthy in every family context.

I never suggested that is what should happen. And no I wouldn't expect that or do that.

[Scarlett]

I am very VERY close with my parents. Both, my mom and my dad.

 

A few weeks ago I had a possible mastitis, even though I am not nursing and haven't been for a long time. I went to my dr, various things were discussed. I told my mom. I also told her NOT to tell my dad. I was very scared and needed to talk to someone but I did not feel comfortable discussing my breasts with my dad or him even knowing about it. He knew I was going through something. He was praying for me. That was enough.

 

Not discussing certain medical issues even with close family members does not equate to lack of close relationship or unhealthy relationship.

 

I would actually argue that discussing and disclosing everything, no matter how personal is not that healthy. But! To each their own and each relationship is differentr

Just to clarify I never suggested such a thing as telling everything no matter how personal.

[Scarlett]

Right, I have a family group like that too. We recently posted a lot because of my dad's cancer, and decline. It's a family with lots of joys shared along with lots of sad news shared. But, I wouldn't be at all shocked if there was someone in that group who has chosen at some point not to share something painful. Or at least, waited some time before sharing (not posting about the miscarriage while still experiencing it, for example). And I am not insulted by that, at all.

Yes. This is how my family /close friends are.

[maize]

Given the number of women and the tendency towards large families (requiring many pregnancies) in my family circle, the small number of miscarriages I am aware of could not reasonably account for all of those that are statistically likely to have occurred.

 

I'm sure there have been many unannounced miscarriages; I do not think that in any way negatively impacts family relationships.

 

I didn't even know about my own mother experiencing a miscarriage when I was a young adult until well after the event. I am extremely close with my mother.

[duckabell]

A few years ago I was getting ready to go to my in-law’s house for Labor Day. I was showing the beginning signs of a miscarriage, and I posted to this forum for advice on whether I should stay or go. My in-laws were an hour away, and many posters encouraged me to stay home in case it progressed and because most likely I wouldn’t feel like being around others if it continued to progress.

 

I was grateful to be able to get advice on what I should do in that circumstance as I had never had a miscarriage before and didn’t know what to expect. I’m the youngest of six girls, and usually I would talk to my sisters or my mom about things like pregnancy, etc., but in this case I was the first in my family to have a miscarriage and so I only talked to my mom (an OBGYN nurse) about physical symptoms.

 

I did miscarry, and I was glad I was at home as it was more intense than I expected and more emotionally difficult than I thought it would be. Even though I made my own decision, it was very helpful for me to receive advice from other women about what they would do and then make my choices from there.

 

As far as being private, I consider my family very close. We talk about a lot of things. When I miscarried, I only told my parents but told them that they could tell my sisters as I didn’t want to tell them each myself. Over the next few days I received calls from all of them (everyone lives long distance from each other) expressing their love and concern for me and my family.  Even though I’m close to my sisters, it would have been very difficult for me to bring up the news to each and every one of them.

 

I think everyone has different levels of privacy regarding miscarriages, pregnancy, etc., and will differ in who they will tell about their miscarriages. I wish society was more open as a whole about miscarriages, but I respect each woman’s right to share what she does or doesn’t want to share and with whom.

[RootAnn]

I updated the original post with a brief note, but I'll write a little more here for those who want to know how it all went.

 

Requesting sib & family made their own choice & chose to attend the gathering. For clarification purposes, I will say that it isn't a huge gathering, but contains uncles/aunts/cousins/2nd cousins & people only seen once per year or two (although there was one cousin I haven't seen in 10+ years there). My father died several years back and this is his side of the family - his brothers & their kids/grandkids. I personally attend to have that connection with my dad. Getting to hug my dad's brothers, hear stories about my dad from their wives, and visiting with one cousin's husband (who is really awesome) is worth dealing with my toxic family.

 

They chose not to say anything - including to pregnant couple. This wasn't what I recommended when asked, but as y'all pointed out, their decision! As some of you have pointed out could happen, this backfired. At one point, sib-with-pregnant-SO asked how old miscarrying sib was & then spent a couple minutes pointing out that she was the same age that our mom was when she got pregnant with him and isn't that amazing, etc. etc. I wanted to punch him, but he didn't know, so I couldn't blame him.

 

Even knowing, I couldn't detect any difference in their behavior, so they chose to 'fake it.'

 

I really appreciate everyone's condolences & opinions. I'll will be offering as much support as they'll take in the near & far future (as I know the ripples go out past the due date & it'll hurt every year at certain times). Please say a prayer for them, if you are the praying type, as the OB has given them three more weeks to pass the baby before insisting on a d&c. Thanks to all of you who have shared stories of your own losses & how it has affected you.

 

Update #2: Just in case anyone finds this later & wonders. Almost two weeks to the day from finding out the baby had died, she miscarried. Like many of you noted, it was nothing to crazy in less than an hour. She ended up at the hospital due to blood loss & they did a d&c to finish it up.

Edited December 9, 2016 by RootAnn

[Scarlett]

I updated the original post with a brief note, but I'll write a little more here for those who want to know how it all went.

 

Requesting sib & family made their own choice & chose to attend the gathering. For clarification purposes, I will say that it isn't a huge gathering, but contains uncles/aunts/cousins/2nd cousins & people only seen once per year or two (although there was one cousin I haven't seen in 10+ years there). My father died several years back and this is his side of the family - his brothers & their kids/grandkids. I personally attend to have that connection with my dad. Getting to hug my dad's brothers, hear stories about my dad from their wives, and visiting with one cousin's husband (who is really awesome) is worth dealing with my toxic family.

 

They chose not to say anything - including to pregnant couple. This wasn't what I recommended when asked, but as y'all pointed out, their decision! As some of you have pointed out could happen, this backfired. At one point, sib-with-pregnant-SO asked how old miscarrying sib was & then spent a couple minutes pointing out that she was the same age that our mom was when she got pregnant with him and isn't that amazing, etc. etc. I wanted to punch him, but he didn't know, so I couldn't blame him.

 

Even knowing, I couldn't detect any difference in their behavior, so they chose to 'fake it.'

 

I really appreciate everyone's condolences & opinions. I'll will be offering as much support as they'll take in the near & far future (as I know the ripples go out past the due date & it'll hurt every year at certain times). Please say a prayer for them, if you are the praying type, as the OB has given them three more weeks to pass the baby before insisting on a d&c. Thanks to all of you who have shared stories of your own losses & how it has affected you.

I am glad the day went as well as it could for them.

 

I have a friend who went through a miscarriage this summer....she thought it was done and on a weekend her husband was out of town she called me crying because she was bleeding so much. I spent the night with her in case she needed to go to ER. It was soooo emotional and sad. And physically scary.

 

So I do know how terrible it is to a degree.