Being supportive of spouse's career

[Arctic Bunny]

In my DH's line of work, there are many spouses who complain about the hours and the schedules. Not that this is you, OP, but when they do complain and wonder how we manage (we only have two kids for goodness sake!) I shake my head to myself and wonder who they imagined was going to work all the evenings, nights, and holidays in this 24/7/365 profession. And then I explain how when I consider something, I have to assume I will be the one doing it. Because even if DH isn't working he might just be too tired anyway. So in the land of hockey, my kids don't play. I am not a hockey mom. I am also not a travelling baseball mom. Especially with two different age groups going two different directions. So my kids do karate, twice a week, five minutes from home. They did piano until we couldn't find a teacher. They play basketball in the spring. They have survived so far. They have a video game that they can play together with DH. I don't tell anyone how much screen time they all spend together, because that's frowned upon. But they are playing together. And I get to watch Netflix and fold laundry ;)

 

Basically, whatever we do has to be manageable for me on my own. That way I don't feel resentful that DH isn't helping. He buys lots of soup, lol, so if I don't have supper going, he can step in and we have soup. Or eggs :D. And included in the list of things I have to make sure I have time for, is DH. I was working an online job and apparently he valued spending time together more than what that job was bringing in.

 

I think it is key to rework things so the SAH parent can manage. And then anything the working outside the home parent does is a wonderful bonus. And I know how totally 50's that sounds, but it works for us.

[Bluegoat]

Everyone I know with more than two kids seems to start thinking seriously about how to streamline activities. And while child one might have been in an organized activity at age 3, child 3 or 4 rarely seems to be.

[LucyStoner]

I really question if being supportive of one's spouse's career is one and the same as "doing everything house ans kid related without complaint"? For me, it is not.

 

At this stage in our life I do 95% or more of the housework, 100% of the homeschooling and 80% of the kid related tasks. Because he's working FT and on top of that is studying FT. On the days he works, he usually comes home for 1-2 hours and then is hidden away with his nose in the books either here or at a coffee shop until 12 or 1am. On the days he's not working, he has two or three 3-4 hour blocks of study time and usually one several hour block of time for something family related. I do this because it's what works for us right now and I agreed to it. Also because I know he tends to procrastinate on school with productive tasks so I get pretty much everything done so he doesn have distractions.

 

That said, back when I worked FT and we split and/or hired out a lot of housework, I was no less supportive of his career.

 

And that I am doing all of that doesn't mean it doesn't occasionally really suck. It's ok to admit that hard situations are hard. For me what helps is knowing that he helps to the degree he can, that he is sacrificing a lot so the boys can be homeschooled and I can be home and that this division of labor makes things a lot easier for both of us right now.

 

Being supportive doesn't mean always being a happy camper during rough periods. Find some downtime for you that doesn't rely on him not getting his work done.

Edited September 12, 2016 by LucyStoner

[Crimson Wife]

 

I totally understand that I chose to put my kids in activities and I can choose to take them out. It just seems like everyone does these activities and figures out a way to get their kids to them. I should be able to figure it out too.

 

Most people don't have 4 kids. Most people have 1, maybe 2 kids (and often if they have 2, those are twins who can be on teams together). Once you have more than 2 kids, you're going to need to stop trying to "keep up with the Jones" in terms of extracurriculars.

 

[Zinnia]

We chose early on to pour into my dh's career because we wanted one of us to be home with the kids, and he had higher earning potential.  I liked my career, but my heart was always at home, so it wasn't a hard choice.  I worked and supported us (before kids) while my dh went to grad school, a decision that has paid off through the years.  I try to remember that this life is a choice, one that we made willingly, and one that i generally like.  That helps.  

 

I have 3 kids on 3 teams.  It's hard.  Last spring, I juggled 2 sports on 2 fields.  This fall, I encouraged 1 sport for the three of them, so one field, though three practice times.  I did what I could (begging and pleading and pulling the 4 kids/traveling spouse card) to get them to have practices ont he same night.  That said, two nights a week, we are at the soccer field for 3.5 hours.  It is hard.  

 

I would make a short list of how your dh can help you.  Mine does bedtime and teeth brushing (ugh!!!) when he is home.  This is HUGE to me.  HUGE.  He also picks up the oldest from soccer practice when he is in town, which gets us home 30 minutes earlier to start supper.  That's nice.  

 

And I totally have time for myself.  I have a weekly book club/small group when he is home (most of the itme on Mondays; he often travels T-Th).  I go to the Y and use childcare.  I escape to the grocery store or thrift store or library when he is home.  These things help a lot.  A lot lot.  Having my bucket full makes me better at all the things I do.  

[fairfarmhand]

The things I really want help with are:

Taking kids to their activities

Helping get my 6yr old to bed

Listening to kids read/reading to kids in be evening

 

Those things are hard to hire out, but they are the things I feel most drained from or feel the most guilty about not doing.

 

I don't read to my kids in the evening, never have. NO GUILT!

 

My dh works tons of hours and always has. His job is just a huge part of who he is and I don't have to compete with that.

 

We read aloud at other parts of the day. We don't do snuggy wuggy long drawn \out bed times. Bath, toothbrush, bed. That's it. Bath happens immediately after supper because my energy tanks after supper.

 

It is what it is. My kids haven't suffered for having a matter of fact bedtime routine for all these years.

 

Sounds like you're worn out in the evening and just DONE. You have an ideal of what bedtime should be and want him to do it that way. Is it a realistic ideal though for YOUR family and YOUR situation. It's okay to move those snuggy wuggy times to other parts of the day when your energy is better, in fact, that's what I'd recommend.

[fairfarmhand]

In my DH's line of work, there are many spouses who complain about the hours and the schedules. Not that this is you, OP, but when they do complain and wonder how we manage (we only have two kids for goodness sake!) I shake my head to myself and wonder who they imagined was going to work all the evenings, nights, and holidays in this 24/7/365 profession. And then I explain how when I consider something, I have to assume I will be the one doing it. Because even if DH isn't working he might just be too tired anyway. So in the land of hockey, my kids don't play. I am not a hockey mom. I am also not a travelling baseball mom. Especially with two different age groups going two different directions. So my kids do karate, twice a week, five minutes from home. They did piano until we couldn't find a teacher. They play basketball in the spring. They have survived so far. They have a video game that they can play together with DH. I don't tell anyone how much screen time they all spend together, because that's frowned upon. But they are playing together. And I get to watch Netflix and fold laundry ;)

 

Basically, whatever we do has to be manageable for me on my own. That way I don't feel resentful that DH isn't helping. He buys lots of soup, lol, so if I don't have supper going, he can step in and we have soup. Or eggs :D. And included in the list of things I have to make sure I have time for, is DH. I was working an online job and apparently he valued spending time together more than what that job was bringing in.

 

I think it is key to rework things so the SAH parent can manage. And then anything the working outside the home parent does is a wonderful bonus. And I know how totally 50's that sounds, but it works for us.

 

Us too.

 

I said no to sports until they were old enough to be dropped off. I wasn't chassing a tot while jiggling a baby on the sidelines. Nope not happening.

 

Music lessons happened near the ages of 9-10. The only reason my 8 yo takes lessons is because his older sister, who's now in college, can give them to him at home for free. And yes, oldest started lessons at age 10 and is able to teach for pay at age 19. And it's okay to wait that long for lessons.

 

If music is that important to you, find teachers who will come to your home. My dd does this for her students and it makes her very popular with the moms!

 

 

[ktgrok]

Getting to activities: You probably have to limit. Which is FINE, especially for young kids!

 

Reading at bedtime: Audio book instead. Or another thing. Read at another time of day when you have more time/energy. 

 

Getting 6 yr old to bed: Think out of the box. I let my 6 yr old snuggle on the couch while i put on a documentary. If she doesn't fall asleep during it she is allowed to either go lay in her bed, or go lay in my bed. laying in my bed is a fun thing so she often chooses that and passes out almost instantly. Heck, my 3 yr old fell asleep on a table during the documentary the other day! Whatever works. 

[Rachel]

I just saw your wish list.

 

I don't sign my kids up for activities unless I'm willing to do all the driving. We don't do weekend activities unless it's for the majority of the family. My kids are doing cross country this season which means a few Saturdays, but both of my older kids run at the same time and it's a two hour commitment at most. We don't do the out of town meets. I prefer daytime things when possible.

 

I would suggest the reading be done earlier in the day, maybe at breakfast? I seem to remember that you don't have family nearby. Could your kids Skype with grandparents and read to them?

 

I can't help with the bedtime. Maybe the routine needs to be revamped to make things easier.

 

You have 4 boys, that's a lot of energy. I can understand why you feel worn out.

[QueenCat]

 Could your kids Skype with grandparents and read to them?

 

 

 

That is a great idea! Another idea is recording stories to be listened to as a child looks at the book. A friend of mine's husband did this with several books so that when he deployed, the kids could hear his voice while they read.

[chiguirre]

To clarify, dh's second job is currently First Sergeant for an army reserve unit. It is supposed to be just one weekend a month-about two 12 hour days (so about 25 hours a month). I don't know who thought that was realistic. He has to work way more than that to keep up with everything, but he just gets paid for the two days of work. So, he can't completely quit the army since he is under contract, but he can step down from being First Sergeant. Also, the unit is 3 hours from our house, so he spends the night there. It makes it seem like he works more than if he were able to come home at night. I would love for him to find a job in a unit close to our house. A job where he does actually only have to work the one weekend a month.

 

 

That's a completely reasonable request IMHO. If he has to donate a bunch of his time and it's affecting your family, I'd ask him to step down and try to move to a closer unit. He can still do the reserve, but it shouldn't eat up his non-reserve weekends too.

[QueenCat]

Except, could it have negative career ramifications?

 

If he intends to stay in and re-up, yes, it absolutely would.

[lovinmyboys]

Dh is about as far in the army as he can go. He has 4 more years to get to 20 and then he is planning to get out. Any promotion he would get would be a full time job and he already has one of those. I don't think stepping back would really hurt his career. However, I do think he should be the one to decide and not do it just for me.

[lovinmyboys]

You have all given me lots of good suggestions. I think I just got burned out and have forgotten to do the things that have worked for me in the past.

 

My mom is a reading teacher and she used to FaceTime in the evenings to listen to my kids read. That went really well and she would do it again. I also used to be really strict about afternoon quiet time and getting all the kids to bed early. I have let both of those go, so I basically get no alone time. I think I would feel better if I knew I was going to be "off duty" at 8:30. Or for an hour in the afternoon. We also used to clean the house together right after breakfast. Now with 3 kids doing school, I have let that go too.

[Bluegoat]

Just a few thought with activities - several of my friends have their kids in martial arts classes because they all go together - the practice is for all levels at the same time.  So even at twice a week, it's very manageable.  I've been considering it for my kids as there is a karate school (a co-op really) that works out of the elementary school close to our house that is set up that way and is very inexpensive since it has no infrastructure and is a co-op.

 

Also - look for what is close to home, and even walkable, so that as they get older they can take themselves.  My dd11 walks to her violin lessons twice a week or she really couldn't do them.  My ds6 is too little to walk to ballet himself but in a few years if he stays in he can.  Next year my dd8 can walk to her guitar lesson.  Other walkable possibilities for us depending on age would be softball in summer, the karate, cadets, and next year for my eldest summer swimming lessons at the public beach.  With bus added in they can get to the library - dd11 is going to get to chess club this year that way.

 

I think the more they can do without me, the better, in so many ways.

Edited September 12, 2016 by Bluegoat

[QueenCat]

Dh is about as far in the army as he can go. He has 4 more years to get to 20 and then he is planning to get out. Any promotion he would get would be a full time job and he already has one of those. I don't think stepping back would really hurt his career. However, I do think he should be the one to decide and not do it just for me.

 

It will impact his retirement pay from the army if he takes a demotion. I would personally probably try to deal with it until he retires. Use some of the money for the weekends he's gone to make life easier. Order pizza or go out instead of cooking. Hire a sitter for a few hours to get a break. If you're doing the yard work, pay someone to do that.

[ktgrok]

Oh, on nights he's gone, i'd pull out the sofa sleeper, or put down sleeping bags and let the kids watch tv and fall asleep there. While you go in your room and read or whatever :)

[Crimson Wife]

 Now with 3 kids doing school, I have let that go too.

 

With 3 kids HSing, I would suggest combining them as much as possible and transitioning the oldest to more independent work. I love Right Start Math but it's a program that I can only do with 1 student at a time because it's so parent-intensive. So when my 2nd child started K, I transitioned my oldest from RS to Singapore. I also found it easier to have my kids study the same topics in history and science just using materials at the appropriate level. When you have multiple kids, you have to do what works for the family as a whole rather than what might be ideal for each child.