Oh what a mess I've made - 16 year old and lack of cooking skills

[Guest]

Or youtube videos? My teen loves to learn via youtube, then show off his superior knowledge.

Yes! My kids really enjoy learning something and showing it off. I'm a little afraid this will stop working during puberty but I hope not!

 

I'm sorry he is being stubborn, I don't think I'd handle that obstinacy well :o

[MotherGoose]

Is he maybe secretly afraid of cutting himself? A person who has gotten it into his head that this is dangerous will not be very motivated to try.

That could be the problem. My DH and my father make a mess of cutting things because of this.

[EMS83]

Well I didn't know for 20 years that water boils faster with a lid on the pot!  And even as a wife and mother, I didn't know how to cook raw vegetables for years.  I did eventually figure it out.  Gordon Ramsay has the best "how to dice an onion" video ever.  No profanity even (just make sure you get the right video.  ;))  It's pure genius!  There's a similar one about cutting bell peppers.  It blew my mind, literally.  ANYway, I'm sure it's not his trademark move or anything; I just have never seen how to properly chop veggies.

 

I can totally see one of my kids doing the Fruit Ninja move to get out of something like that.  I'm not sure of the cause.  Mine is very smart and often chooses to be a lazy as possible.  It is very aggravating.  I agree with baby steps, but I also agree with putting the onus on him.  Mine was on a three-year hunger strike of only applesauce and yogurt for dinner because they simply refused to touch anything I served.  If it wasn't pizza, fries, or grilled cheese, they weren't interested.  But I also know mine really can't follow more than one and half directions at a time.  It's overwhelming.  And they must see the point and deem it valid before accepting instruction, rebuke, direction, or warning.  Maybe that doesn't ring true for you, though.   Unfortunately the only thing I've had any success with is setting up clear boundaries, and letting them face-plant into them over, and over, and over again.  This is accompanied by a lot of logic, encouragement, praise for good choices, and distinction between character and decisions.  I think more uncontentious one-on-one time would be another good step for me.

 

For whatever any of that is worth; I think I'm just rambling.  :D  Good luck!  It's tough.  Parenting is just tough and complicated.   :grouphug:

 

 

[Terabith]

May I ask what you are anxious about when it comes to food prep, if you don't mind explaining? Trying to understand.

 

Sure. My mom has OCD, and not only was I discouraged from doing anything in the kitchen, but I was warned constantly about the dangers inherent in the kitchen. If I used a knife, I could trip and kill someone with it. Food poisoning was a constant danger. I might not clean something well enough or cook it thoroughly enough and everyone would get sick and might die and it would be my fault. Salt could cause high blood pressure and heart disease and be my fault.

 

She washed meat with chlorox. No salt or butter was used. Everything was cooked to death. I went to college and was amazed at how awesome food could taste in dining hall.

[heartlikealion]

I generally enjoy cooking, it's my happy place but our kitchen is very small, there isn't room for even 2 people to manuever comfortablely in it so I'm always sending the kids out of because I hate tripping over people when I work.  Needless to say, teaching the kids cooking skills hasn't been high on my priority list but since I"m pretty much self taught I figured worse case scenario they can do the same. 

 

Despite this, my 18 year old can prepare a few basic meals all on his own, he can make breakfast and can bake well enough that over the course of 3 months he baked enough cookies and brownies to raise over $500 for a cause he cares about.

 

13, 9 and 8 year old can make a simple breakfast, chop up fruit, clean and chop veggies etc.

 

So 4 of my kids have picked up basic skills just by watching me and asking a few questions.

 

This past weekend I was extremely ill (I couldn't even walk to the kitchen with help if I wanted to, it was too far and I was too weak).  So I directed meals from bed, telling various kids what to prepare, chop, bake, defrost.  I asked 16 to help prep veggies for tacos.  He was suppose to start with tomatoes and after 15 minuets of standing there doing nothing his dad asks him what he's doing. He starts complaining, "well I don't know how to do this, I can't do this" and on and on.  His sister stopped, showed him how to dice half a tomato and left the other half for him.  He proceeds to karate chop the second half sending the two pieces flying across the room and says "see I can't do this".

 

Since clearly this is an attitude issue more than an aptitude issue, we've pretty much been leaving him meals where if he wants to eat, he has to chop/prepare SOMETHING to eat the meal.  This morning it was simply cutting a slice off the honeydew that I had already cut in half and cleaned out the seeds.  In every case he chooses to not eat rather than cut/prepare a simple item.  We do not have an open kitchen so the kid isn't just filling up elsewhere.  He is truly skipping 1-2 meals everyday rather than cutting a slice of melon or removing leaves of lettuce from the head.

 

This is a neurotypical kid who is just being stubborn.  I've told him I don't care if it's perfectly chopped, any attempt that results in something smaller than the entire piece of produce is fine.  But he refuses.

 

Any thoughts on how to address this or just keep insisting he chops/prepares something till he gets over himself.

 

A melon slice or a piece of lettuce do not stop a person from eating a meal. They just skip the fruit or the lettuce. Surely he's eating something? Maybe he ate the tacos sans lettuce (or whatever the item was).

 

I'm stubborn. I don't like to cook. My mom didn't teach me, but would have worked with me if I had been interested. So as a married woman dh got a partner with probably the same level of skill as your 16 yr old. Trust me, you can go years without self teaching and survive. I'm not saying it's a great way to live, but it's very possible. I'm better now, but still don't consider myself a cook.

 

You can eat easy mac, refried beans from a can with a tortilla, frozen items like corn dogs. None of these involve true prep. Besides the tomato, were the requests for him to do prep for the family? If you didn't specify an actual task and just hoped he would do it for himself, you could easily wait forever. I am still like this. I would rather buy shredded lettuce for tacos or bagged salad than deal with a head of lettuce most of the time.

 

[cjzimmer1]

Thanks all for the comments and advice and commiseration.  Glad to hear there are others who would do almost anything than actually do something with food.

 

I'm still pondering the anxiety thing.  If there is any of that, it would have to be from concern over handling the knife of perhaps sibs criticism.  It certainly isn't or hasn't in time past come from me.  I really don't care how things are done.  Kids peel carrots and don't get all the peels off no big deal we eat some peels.  Chop olives in half, make little slices, smash them into little tiny pieces really doesn't matter it all still tastes good.  So the I'm no good mentality isn't from any level of control that I've exerted over how things are done, it's something he's internalized elsewhere.

 

As far as picking his favorite things, salad and veggies ARE his favorite things.  This kid loves his salads.  Which is why it is further confusing to me why he would refuse to eat over attempting to make his favorite food.  I didn't even ask him to chop lettuce or even wash it, I asked him to peel the leaves off the head (it was romaine so it's a matter of bend the leaf back and snap it from the base).  Given that I don't care if they are whole or broken or little tiny fragments, I can't even fathom any plausible reason other than stubbornness why that should be refused.  DH said when the tomato chopping demo was provided, DS turned his head as far as possible the other way so he couldn't see the demo and thus when sis demo-ed how to cut it (which she has never done before because she abhors tomatoes so I have always chopped them) he could still say I don't know how. Add to that visual clues, body language, tone of voice that I can never convey properly on an internet leaves me very much with the idea of that he doesn't want to do this stuff and so he is doing everything in his power no to learn it. 

 

I did leave him a a head of romaine lettuce and some taco meat for lunch.  I told him he would have to cut up the lettuce and the meat was in the fridge.  He would have to cut up tomatoes and peppers and onions if he wanted them.  He was not amused. Then I left to go grocery shopping. When I returned the head of lettuce was gone but everything else was the same including the taco meat.  So I said I see that you decided to cut up the lettuce after all.  He says I do not chop things.  I asked about the meat and he said what meat, I was suppose to put meat on it.  I said yeah there was meat and pepper and tomatoes.  His response you said I didn't have to have those so I didn't.  So if he didn't chop it, I'm envisioning him dipping his head of romaine lettuce in salad dressing and taking a bite.  Whatever, I'm actually finding the whole thing comical at this point. 

 

Tomorrow I'm going to buy my yearly stash of peppers from the Amish auction if the weather cooperates and the price is acceptable.  DH and I have already decided that ALL of the children can help with the project (I'll stick them around the table where there is a whole lot more room to work than in the kitchen)since it entails cleaning and cutting over 300 peppers and I spend DAYS at the project and I've got so much other stuff on my plate right now, that if we can whip through this in a day it would ease my life tremendously.  I really don't care how they get chopped up so I'll give him the choice of cleaning out the seeds (which still requires a knife to cut them in half) or actually chopping.  Either way he can get some practice with a knife although the issue extends beyond knife stuff.

 

Edited September 9, 2016 by cjzimmer1

[heartlikealion]

Regarding anxiety in the kitchen, I have a level of that. For me personally it can be some OCD type things like touching raw meat or eggs, worrying about spreading salmonella or something. Then I hate dishes so even just using a knife and cutting board I'm thinking, ugh, something else to wash. I don't eat tomatoes so yeah, I wouldn't be excited about cutting tomatoes. When I do chop carrots they fly across the cutting board sometimes. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I have watched videos, I have watched others. I just kind of suck at it. I think our knives probably need to be sharpened and I don't like to fold my knuckles down and hold my hand like the pros seem to do. But I don't know if that explains carrots flying lol. I would rather just chop more slowly with no one watching and judging me. I'll admit for me personally, I think I have a combination of OCD, anxiety, stubbornness and laziness. lol Dh has teased me about how I lived before we met (he can cook). I say hey, I was thinner back then! lol

[cjzimmer1]

A melon slice or a piece of lettuce do not stop a person from eating a meal. They just skip the fruit or the lettuce. Surely he's eating something? Maybe he ate the tacos sans lettuce (or whatever the item was).

 

I'm stubborn. I don't like to cook. My mom didn't teach me, but would have worked with me if I had been interested. So as a married woman dh got a partner with probably the same level of skill as your 16 yr old. Trust me, you can go years without self teaching and survive. I'm not saying it's a great way to live, but it's very possible. I'm better now, but still don't consider myself a cook.

 

You can eat easy mac, refried beans from a can with a tortilla, frozen items like corn dogs. None of these involve true prep. Besides the tomato, were the requests for him to do prep for the family? If you didn't specify an actual task and just hoped he would do it for himself, you could easily wait forever. I am still like this. I would rather buy shredded lettuce for tacos or bagged salad than deal with a head of lettuce most of the time.

 

 

The initial request was to help with prepping toppings for the family meal of tacos (although he doesn't really care for tortillas and always just makes a taco salad). Each of the three oldest was sent to work on it when I was ill.  I said here is the tasks to be done, you can pick the ones you want to work on.  Other two both picked something and this child just stood around because he didn't want to do ANY of the tasks.  DH selected tomatoes for him. 

 

The lettuce was a separate meal.  He had slept through our supper and the prepared lettuce was used up.  I was still recovering so I told him he would have to get his own lettuce (the meal was salads which is his favorite and something we eat every single day). He said, no thanks and went back to his room.

 

Yesterday breakfast was a honeydew melon that I had already cut in half and cleaned out the seeds.  I told him to slice off what he wanted because I wanted to put it away before the fruit flies got on it.  He said aren't you going to cut slices for me?  I said no, then he said put it away I don't want any. There wasn't anything else to go with it because it was already after 10 when he got up and we usually have lunch by 11:30 (well the rest of us do some days he been skipping breakfast and lunch rather than do anything to get his own food).

 

No he isn't eating other foods because my work area is in the kitchen, anytime anyone even comes to get a drink of water, I know because I can see and hear them.  So no when he his skipping meals he is skipping everything.

Edited September 9, 2016 by cjzimmer1

[cjzimmer1]

Regarding anxiety in the kitchen, I have a level of that. For me personally it can be some OCD type things like touching raw meat or eggs, worrying about spreading salmonella or something. Then I hate dishes so even just using a knife and cutting board I'm thinking, ugh, something else to wash. I don't eat tomatoes so yeah, I wouldn't be excited about cutting tomatoes. When I do chop carrots they fly across the cutting board sometimes. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I have watched videos, I have watched others. I just kind of suck at it. I think our knives probably need to be sharpened and I don't like to fold my knuckles down and hold my hand like the pros seem to do. But I don't know if that explains carrots flying lol. I would rather just chop more slowly with no one watching and judging me. I'll admit for me personally, I think I have a combination of OCD, anxiety, stubbornness and laziness. lol Dh has teased me about how I lived before we met (he can cook). I say hey, I was thinner back then! lol

 

Daughter who demo-ed hates tomatoes and managed to pull it off.  DS LOVES tomatoes and will eat 3-4 in a sitting couldn't be bothered to do it.  The reasons his pieces went flying because he ninja chopped it with no attempt to hold it in place.  He wasn't even touching the tomato with the non knife hand. We have cutco knives and I sharpen them weekly so dull knives are definitely not our problem. 

 

[heartlikealion]

The initial request was to help with prepping toppings for the family meal of tacos (although he doesn't really care for tortillas and always just makes a taco salad). Each of the three oldest was sent to work on it when I was ill.  I said here is the tasks to be done, you can pick the ones you want to work on.  Other two both picked something and this child just stood around because he didn't want to do ANY of the tasks.  DH selected tomatoes for him. 

 

The lettuce was a separate meal.  He had slept through our supper and the prepared lettuce was used up.  I was still recovering so I told him he would have to get his own lettuce (the meal was salads which is his favorite and something we eat every single day). He said, no thanks and went back to his room.

 

Yesterday breakfast was a honeydew melon that I had already cut in half and cleaned out the seeds.  I told him to slice off what he wanted because I wanted to put it away before the fruit flies got on it.  He said aren't you going to cut slices for me?  I said no, then he said put it away I don't want any.

 

No he isn't eating other foods because my work area is in the kitchen, anytime anyone even comes to get a drink of water, I know because I can see and hear them.  So no when he his skipping meals he is skipping everything.

 

Hmm

 

Well I am personally very intimidated by melons. They're so thick and awkward. I might worry about holding it steady, getting juice everywhere, not picking the right knife, etc. Maybe he thought he'd cut himself, struggle with the thickness of the melon, make a mess and have to clean up juice or even accidentally cut himself. Then how to store it when you are done, do you put the whole melon back in the fridge or what. I'm also paranoid about spreading listeria from outside of melon to inside when you slice knife through. It was in a video I watched about listeria. So I sorta get the melon hesitation. I'm not sure where he was coming from, though.

 

As for the lettuce, I bet he just wanted to grab a bowl of prepared salad and the idea of having to put together a salad (which I'm guessing would mean also combining other veggies or toppings? Which may or may not have been prepared) just seemed like too much work. I can't explain it, but I am easily turned off by even the smallest things and could see myself doing something similar at his age. Now? If someone had prewashed the lettuce I'd be thrilled. I hate washing lettuce because even when I had a salad spinner it never got dry right away and I don't want a wet salad.

 

Any chance he's hoarding potato chips in his room? lol. Or another prepackaged food (gas station, vending machine, etc.)

 

Maybe he's depressed, for an unrelated reason, and it's affecting his interest.

 

It does sound like he's deliberately staying ignorant (not watching the demo) to avoid getting involved for whatever reason. If you have him help with prep around other family members maybe that intimidates him. Having him cut out seeds while the rest of the family rushes to prepare peppers might backfire. He might feel extra anxiety as this is a task that needs to get done ASAP.

[maize]

Anxiety doesn't have to be caused by something or prompted by something--it can crop up all on its own out of the middle of nowhere. It's like a glitch in the brain just generates a feeling of discomfort/worry/anxiousness that can attach to just about anything for no logical cause.

 

Obviously I have no way of knowing if this is what is going on with your son, but do keep it in mind as a possible explanation for behavior that does seem somewhat irrational.

[Innisfree]

Maybe just fix him his favorite salad. You fix it, sit down with him, and chat. No blame, no criticism. And ask him what's up with him not wanting to fix food. See what he thinks.

[Tanaqui]

I'm still pondering the anxiety thing.  If there is any of that, it would have to be from concern over handling the knife of perhaps sibs criticism.

 

Anxiety can be completely bizarre and random. Trying to look for a root cause is an exercise in futility, and I wouldn't worry about it. The thing to do is move on now, not worry about the past.

 

Given that I don't care if they are whole or broken or little tiny fragments, I can't even fathom any plausible reason other than stubbornness why that should be refused.

 

Do you really need a reason? Listen, anxiety is by definition irrational. And even without it, people do things that make no sense sometimes, or that make sense to them and not anybody else.

 

I see two possibilities here.

 

Either you're skipping the context that tells us that, actually, your son is like this about everything - stubborn, lazy, resistant to learning - and you're at the end of your rope... or your son has never been like this at all and you've been blindsided.

 

If it's the first, then I really think you should consider therapy, or having him evaluated for some sort of learning disability.

 

If it's the second, then I have no idea why you're so bound and determined to interpret his actions for him in the most negative light possible. Surely he's earned some benefit of the doubt by not acting like this all the time?

 

(I suppose the third option is he's sometimes a pain and sometimes not. I don't know what to say to that.)

 

I'm not your son. I don't know anything about you, or your son.

 

I can tell you that I had weird bouts of just this sort of thing when I was his age. Not about cooking, but about equally ridiculous-seeming things - ordering food at restaurants was big, I'd give all my orders to my sister and make her give the order. Talking on the phone. Sweeping the floor.

 

I was well aware that I looked like a complete idiot when I refused to do these things because "I know I can't!"

 

And I lucked out - my family never acted as though I was being a total loon. If my mother had spent her time trying to find a reason for my behavior, and concluded that there was no plausible reason other than the already-decided reasons of laziness and stubbornness, then it would have been a lot harder for me to do those things. All that pressure and expectations - ugh. I could do it wrong like I thought and confirm that I was the stupidest person in the room, or I could do it right like they thought and have to endure their self-righteousness, not just then but every time I couldn't do something. Forget it!

 

Your son knows this is ridiculous. Whether he's doing it on purpose (which I doubt) or not, he knows. And I wouldn't be surprised if he knows exactly what you think about this behavior and, by extension, him. Look back at your words. What you think isn't pretty. Everything you've said about your son is amazingly negative.

 

Well, yes, this is amazingly frustrating for you, and you've been blaming yourself, and that's hard. But it's not all about you. And all of this is making it harder to help your son. You've got to stop dwelling on whatever reason for this behavior - either in you, or in him - and trying to lay the blame for the cause somewhere. It's useless! And if you really can't find a way to encourage your son to learn this basic life skill in a supportive fashion, maybe it's better if you completely drop the issue and just keep cooking for him until he leaves home.

Edited September 9, 2016 by Tanaqui

[regentrude]

Sure. My mom has OCD, and not only was I discouraged from doing anything in the kitchen, but I was warned constantly about the dangers inherent in the kitchen. If I used a knife, I could trip and kill someone with it. Food poisoning was a constant danger. I might not clean something well enough or cook it thoroughly enough and everyone would get sick and might die and it would be my fault. Salt could cause high blood pressure and heart disease and be my fault.

 

She washed meat with chlorox. No salt or butter was used. Everything was cooked to death. I went to college and was amazed at how awesome food could taste in dining hall.

 

Thanks for taking the time to explain. This makes perfect sense, no wonder that you are anxious about the kitchen!

I am sorry that this set you up for anxiety around something that could be so enjoyable :(

[lllll]

nm

Edited November 6, 2016 by cathey

[TCB]

OP, sorry you're having a difficult time, but your descriptions really made me laugh!  Hope you can figure out what is going on.  It must be really strange to have something like this come up out of the blue when it isn't necessarily in keeping with your ds's usual actions etc.  I, for one,  do not agree with those who have said you are ascribing the worst motives to your son. You know your son better than everyone. Hope you're able to figure it out.  

[ebrindam]

Well, in my house, we'd go with the no eat option. I'd offer to show him and if he didn't take me up on it, he'd be hungry. So, he's anxious. He'll get over it. I had one anxious about auditions two days ago, who wanted to just do stage stuff. No, you said you wanted to do drama as part of your English credit. So, you have to do it. She did it and survived (I really don't see what the big deal was as she had two leads last year and a big part the year before) and she'll find out casting in about an hour. I don't want to be costume mistress, but there is no one else. So, yeah, I'll do it. S*ck it up, buttercup. 

I'm assuming from this post that you've never struggled with anxiety. I hope that your children also don't really have it. That kind of attitude would be really damaging to someone with mental illness.