Parents over 35 needed

[phathui5]

Hey ladies,

 

I have to write a college paper on the effect of parenting "later in life" on the family/relationships/etc. Can you share some advantages and disadvantages with me? How has having a child after 35 affected you? Your marriage? Your career? Friendships?

 

Did the stigma of being an "older parent" affect you in any way? What did you have to deal with in terms of medical issues, testing, etc?

 

Dads are welcome to answer too.

[Spy Car]

I'm laughing about the 35 being "later in life" (sort of :glare:) :D:lol:

 

Bill (whippersnappers! :tongue_smilie:)

[cathmom]

do you mean having your first child after 35?

[phathui5]

Yes, the the first one.

[Scarlett]

Hey ladies,

 

I have to write a college paper on the effect of parenting "later in life" on the family/relationships/etc. Can you share some advantages and disadvantages with me? How has having a child after 35 affected you? Your marriage? Your career? Friendships?

 

Did the stigma of being an "older parent" affect you in any way? What did you have to deal with in terms of medical issues, testing, etc?

 

Dads are welcome to answer too.

 

I was turned 35 4 months after ds was born. He is our only child. So not sure if you could include my comments or not....??

[Kay in Cal]

My first was born when I was 31, my second when I was 33... and I was one of the youngest moms in our peer group. Many of my friends had thier first child after 40, none were under 30 that I can think of offhand, my sil is pregant with her first and she'll be 36 when the baby is born. I'm 38, my friends range from around 35 to 45, and they all either have small children now or are childless by choice.

 

I'm not sure what the focus of your paper is, but I really think that the answers will vary widely by social group/region/educational level/etc? I would have to say that for me it would have been far more unusual to have a child before, say, 25... now THAT would have been wierd, having the only child in a wider group of childless couples and singles...

[AuntieM]

but I'll try to hit the big points, in my experience.

 

At 27, by some standards I was an older bride. After 4 years of marriage, we had three in under three years. Then, eight years later, when I was a month shy of 42, little miss sassy came along. She is a perfect addition to our family and we are blessed by having her.

 

That said, the attitude of some folks really made me mad! We had moved to a new state shortly before I found myself pregnant, and I had a tough time finding a doc that would agree to take me as a patient due to advanced maternal age! Seems that a lot of providers don't like what their malpractice insurance rates go to when they take on riskier patients. I've since been told that rates vary from state to state and county to county, so being in south Florida may have made matters worse. Anyway, though the doctor allowed me to decline some tests, he required genetic screening/counseling and a level 2 or level 3 sonogram (they measured everything!). She arrived whole and perfect, but those tests and the apprehension of others made the pregnancy no picnic. My own mom didn't even seem to want to engage in discussion about the baby, I think she was pretty sure that it would be born with some awful birth defect because I was so "old". Most friends were encouraging and supportive, but there were always those that just couldn't figure out why I'd want to go back to the diaper stage.

 

Now, forward three years, and there are just two drawbacks that I can see. Our activities are definitely affected by the need to include a preschooler. Note that I said affected, not forsaken. I just have to know that whatever I'm doing, her little-person needs must be considered. It's not just get-up-and-go, and that's a little harder now than it was the first time around, mostly on the mental side of things. The other thing is, I have on three occasions been asked about my granddaughter. Grrrrr!!!! Doesn't matter that it's biologically possible, it's still a rude assumption. Perhaps I shoulda bought stock in L'Oreal before she came along.

 

The benefits are many. First, we've made a home for a child of God. I think she will keep dh and I feeling young as we do our best to keep up with her, and keep ourselves in better shape because we may not otherwise enjoy much of her adulthood as we might the older kids. Having a relationship with this growing child has been really, really fun, because for one, she's the only little I currently have, and two, with the passage of time, I have gained insight into many things. I feel like I can enjoy her company and not feel stressed or compulsive about some of the child training issues we face with all our kids (of course we still instruct and train her, it's just much more...reasonably? wisely?....administered, kwim? Okay, maybe that's a third drawback - the kids that come to older parents may have a higher chance of just being cuddled and spoiled a bit, what do you think?).

 

Okay, gotta go squeeze that little one and all her siblings. Hope this helps!

[JFSinIL]

H'm - had the twins at 32, another at 34 and the last at 37. Does that count?

 

A family down the street started their family while still in high school ;) and the oldest is now in high school - his folks turned 30 while he was in middle school. I am old enough to be their mom and his grandma!!!! Now THAT makes me feel old!!!!

[Perry]

I had my first baby at 35.

 

Some advantages:

 

1. Financial stability - we had no worries about being able to afford a family.
   
2. I think I was pretty confident as a new mom, in large part because of age and experience. I didn't have much of the self-doubt that I often see in younger moms.
   
3. Hmm. I can't think of any more right now. That's sad.
   

Disadvantages:

 

1. I definitely worried more about the health of the babies (while I was pregnant) more than I would have if I'd been younger.
   
2. I worry more about leaving them orphans.
   
3. I would like to resume my career, but I'll be 55 when I finish homeschooling. It will be very difficult (probably impossible) to enter academia as a new researcher at that point. My options will be much more limited than if I were younger.
   
4. I sometimes wish I could have had more children, but I ran out of time.
   

[Quiver0f10]

I had my 10th 3 months after turning 36, so I guess you don't want my comments? :lol:

[buddhabelly]

I had already experienced a lot (career, travel) and didn't feel "trapped" at home with the baby. Just content and happy to be with the baby and watch the miracle unfold. I'm not saying that younger parents don't feel this way too, it's just that if I had been a 20-something parent I think I would have been anxious to start or resume a career. But at 37, I had found that looking for fulfillment at work (or through accomplishments in general) doesn't work. I suppose it takes many of us a lifetime to realize that.

 

Downside? I assume that pregnancy is easier for young women. But the patience that I brought to parenting is worth the stretched-out ligaments that never quite bounced back.....

 

Julie

[Laura in VA]

Well, I did not have my first one at or after 35, but I think you may want to hear the advantages/disadvantages from some of us who've had children earlier and later in life because we've actually experienced the difference.

My children:

DS, born when I was 22- he's 20

DS, born when I was 26- he's 16

DD, born when I was 30- she's 12

DD, adopted at age 1, when I was 39- she is 4

 

I was much more relaxed as a mother with my 2 daughters. I was my most uptight with my first son. I was worried more about his health, development, etc. I remember nursing him for about 3 weeks and then quitting because I "wanted my body back". I nursed my next son, and my daughter until they were at least 3 (my daughter a little longer).

As I have gotten older, I have become less selfish. I believe I enjoyed the infancy stages of my children more as I grew older as well. I've gained an appreciation for my children at the age they are right now. I'm not in a rush for them to "grow up" as I was for my 2 oldest.

HTH-

[sheryl]

when our dd made her announcment to the world!!

 

To all of you who have parented "many" children, but at a younger age, there is a difference having your 1st one after 35, 40 and so on.

 

Our dd was an answered to a long awaited prayer. As first time older parents we have more patience (most of the time :D). Patience with children ebbs and flows. The FTOP is not a stigma today as it would have been years ago when girls married in their mid teens and had 2-3 of many children to come by the age of 20. However, all of our friends have kids from 18-30. My niece is 30, nephew is 27 and there are more.

 

The disadvantage is just that. My dd can not PLAY with the children of my friends because they are all grown. So, we've added to our circle of friends with younger ones. They have kids our dd's age. It's nice and works out.

 

Career thing....can't help out as I'm a SAHM. My dh works full time outside of the home and puts in some longer hours. But, that's not necessarily an age issue. Although it can be age and position-related to a point, of course.

 

We will celebrate our 28th wedding anniversary Oct. 25. We do not "rush" here and there to keep up with the Joneses. We enjoy "being" together. However, we are "active" and hike, bike, etc..........

 

Hope all this helps. :001_smile:

[PollyOR]

I think it would be hard for older mom's to know how things might have been since they didn't give birth when they were younger.

 

I had 1st dd when I was 22. The rest were born in my 30's (31, 34, almost 39).

Physically it was much easier when I was younger. As someone else mentioned, I worried a lot more when I was an older pregnant mom. I worried about disabilities and the increased possibility that I might die or have a stroke. My blood pressure was an issue during my last two pregnancies.

 

DH was military with 1st child, so we didn't have too many financial worries, but our finances had definitely improved by the time we had the last two.

 

I always planned to be a SAHM, so that didn't affect any career decisions.

 

Relationships - It has been harder at times with DH because I'm tired at night and want to be left alone (know what I mean?). Our intimacy took a nose dive due to Mom being too tired from getting up with kids in the middle of the night and losing sleep.

 

In some ways I think I've been a nicer mother to my younger kids (not as much physical discipline), but in other ways I have less patience with them due to being an older lady who wears out more quickly than a younger mom.

 

One thing that REALLY irked me was my doctor asked me almost EVERY appointment about our birth control plans for after the baby was born (last two). Yes, more testing was offered to me when I was older. It could have been due to the fact that we were no long military and had regular insurance. In the military, ultrasounds weren't standard, and I was not offered one with either of the first two children.

 

 

Interesting observation - I was invited by dd and her DH last fall to attend their birthing class. Most of the women were in their mid-30's or older. My dd was 20 and one other girl (unwed mom about the same age) were under 30. My dd felt out of place.

[MaryM]

Okay, here ya go! I was 42 when I had my first and only. fortunately, I found the only board certified OB-GYN in the area and he was a gem. The only special treatment was having an amnio and the regular check ups etc. I wish he has controlled my appetite but no...

 

There are a number of advantages I see to having a child later in life. Wisdom is the first. Kinda like my grandmother's saying that why use your feet when you can use your head. It was a delight to not freak out over all the unknowns too having handled man (although not the exact same ones) over my years. I had already grown up myself so I didn't have all that to deal with like I would have if I had had a child in my 20's (no offense intended to any moms that do though; it was me then). I had the confidence that I could do whatever needed doing and had the confidence to question pediatricians and others who would present themselves as authorities. I could truly enjoy my time with my child too because I wasn't struggling to establish myself in a career nor was my husband. Financially it wasn't a big struggle. (College will be after all this global financial mess but that's an unforeseen problem for many regardless of age.)

 

The downside is my energy level is less. We are often considered the grandparents :D and to find friends to socialize with that have kids we are limited to grandparents who take care of their grandkids! I also think that we are much more conservative that we would have been earlier in life and maybe more protective of ds too although I try to guard against this. I do worry about making sure ds is self sufficient because we will depart this world at an early time in his life than others although my own parents were in their late 30's when I can on the scene so I kinda know about the latter years from that experience.

 

There are more things that will come to mind but this is getting long. Bottom Line: we are blessed! Just as any mom and dad are at any age. There are really no significant differences providing you don't come up against something like Down's Syndrome....God provides. We are lucky OLD parents!

 

Good luck with your paper!

 

Mary

[Barb_]

Hey ladies,

 

What did you have to deal with in terms of medical issues, testing, etc?

 

 

 

I had my first at 20 and my 7th at 39. Know which pregnancy was my toughest? Nope, it was 3rd...born when I was 27. She was also my hardest labor and delivery. My 6th and 7th, both born after age 35, were my healthiest pregnacies and by far my easiest, quickest births. I chalk it up to experience--knowing how best to handle the aches and pains before they get out of control. I see a midwife and have homebirths. They don't encourage any extra testing related to age they like to laugh at the idea of over 35 as "elderly" in obstetrical terms.

 

Barb

[Sharon H in IL]

I was married at 23, which was quite young for our law school/med school set. Then when my mother died when I was 30, I suddenly saw the point in having a baby. :)

 

Four years of infertility before we got pregnant with son #1. A surprise pregnancy 2 years later gave us son #2. First child was an emergency C-section due to undiagnosed placenta previa. I had turned down ultrasound since I wanted a lower-tech pregnancy! Yes, the irony does not escape me.

 

Second birth was a VBAC, the ob was a friend of mine.

 

The advantages were great: I never had a sense of 'wasting' my education or time while at home, in fact the years of infertility gave me a realization of what a precious gift I had been given. I had read every book out there on pregnancy and child development while wishing and hoping to put it to use some day, so I was as well-versed as a mom could be who'd never been a mom before.

 

I was confident (except when he wouldn't stop crying every evening -- what the h*ll was THAT all about?) and found a like-minded group of mothers to bond with. I was the oldest one in the group, but it didn't seem to matter all that much.

 

The down side was a slower bounce-back after a sleepless night. When I was in college a sleepless night could be made up for by a good rest the next night. By my late 30's or early 40's it would take two.

 

And I was a bit worried about Downs syndrome with my second, but it's such a crapshoot. Most Downs babies are born to mothers in their 20s, I was astonished to read. (I deal with worry by doing research.) In any case, the dice had been rolled a long way back at fertilization, so what would happen would happen. I was at peace during the pregnancy.

 

I loved pregnancy. It was relatively easy for me both times. I loved nursing, and nursed both boys a loooong time. My maternal love is proven by how very long I went without good coffee. :D

[phathui5]

Can anyone expand on how having a baby later in life affected your marriage? Maybe if you had been married for a while before having children?

[Heather in Savannah]

I had my first child at 36 and second at 39....so here is my response.

 

Advantages:

1. Maturity gave me a different level of appreciation for the brevity of childhood. I found that I treasured the days rather than longed for my children to be independent.

2. I have no desire to be back in the business world. I worked for 20 yrs before leaving it to stay home with the children, so have "worked" that out of my system, as my mother would say.

 

Disadvantages:

1. I have found over the years, that the people I make friends with are usually the parents of my children's friends. This means that many of my friends have been 10-15 yrs younger than I am. We have common parenting experiences, but different life experiences, due to the age differences. Sometimes I long for some menopausal friends, who can share this "journey" with me.

2. I am more concerned about the importance of staying healthy myself....At my age, cancer rates escalate....my children need me, so I work hard taking care of myself. I do worry at times about how my husband(the absent minded professor type) would manage two teenagers if anything happened to me.

3. Lower levels of energy and lower tolerance to noise & confusion mean that I am not as quick to volunteer for sports or youth activities with my teens.

Hope that helps. PM me if you need any other thoughts.

[sheryl]

I'm 51 and feel I could be the Mom, age-wise, to many of the people on this board! I was married when I was 23 and eventhough it wasn't our choice to wait as long as we did, we became parents 18 years into our marriage. Our daughter is now 9+ yo and we celebrate 28th years of marriage Oct. 25.

 

I'm not sure what answer you're looking for in terms of marriage being effected. Our friends are talking kids out of home and they have freedom. That's fine. It was flipped with us.....we had alot of time just the 2 of us before our dd was born. Now most of our events occur with our dd....i.e. no vacation just the two of us, etc.

 

With that said, we both think it's important no matter the age to have a date night, weekly if possible and go on a weekend get away just the 2 of us while our dd stays with family. HTH

[Aggie]

Our dc were born when we were 36, 37, and 42. :)

 

I think having a child as an 'older' woman is pretty much like doing anything else as we mature. :) Energy levels, priorities, and financial situations change.

 

For dh and I, we were more relaxed than our 20-something peers. We had, from what we observed, different priorities. too. We didn't need to party, get together with friends, eat out often, find babysitters, etc as much as the younger parents we knew. I was definitely more patient as an older mom than I was in my 20's.

 

Physically, being pregnant at 42 is not easy, but was it age or just my body? Hard to tell.

 

As far as affecting our marriage...well, we married at 32 (neither one of us had been married before), waited a few years to start having dc, and had a miscarriage. We both had travelled extensively as singles, had satisfying careers, and we had known each other since college. Having dc when we did didn't affect our relationship negatively at all, but I think maturity played a large part in our family dynamics.

 

gotta run for now, hope this helps a bit

Aggie

[Heather in Savannah]

Pros:

We had spent a number of years just being a couple, so didn't feel that we were making sacrifices by spending our spare time as a family, rather than on dates as a couple.

 

Cons:

1. After 6 yrs of being just a twosome, my husband had become very used to being number 1, so it was a challenge for me to balance the needs of a child, with my husbands needs....I often felt stretched thin.

2. Being older meant we were individually less flexible. We disagree at times over which battles are worth fighting.

[G5052]

My children were born when I was 37 and 40. DH and I had been married 5 years when #1 was born, and I had been working for 15 years.

 

It was a huge adjustment for us, but mostly me frankly. DH worked long, long hours and was going to school, and I went from a busy program manager job just a few blocks from Capital Hill to being mom to a very sickly, colicky baby. I was so exhausted and lonely in the first year, and I know that our marriage suffered because there was little time for us. I was laid off during maternity leave as part of a Congressionally-mandated reduction-in-force, but we had saved a lot and were fine financially. We moved a little over a year later to an area better that was much better for me in many ways, and I went back to work part-time as a professor shortly after that which helped my sanity immensely.

 

Medically, I had gestational diabetes with both kids, but was otherwise healthy and had full-term babies.

 

My friends have always been of various ages, so I wasn't aware of any "older" mom stigma. I do live in an area with a lot of people who delayed having children though. My OB's both were very comfortable with older moms having babies and were probably a bit more vigilant with me, but not overly so and not in a discouraging way. The second one said that in her experience, older moms were better about keeping appointments and watching for problems than the teen ones, and that she rarely had serious complications with an older mom who truly kept "with the program."

 

Frankly DH's disability and ongoing medical programs over the last six years have been a much greater challenge to our marriage and family than being older has been.

[phathui5]

Anyone else? We're specifically looking at how becoming a parent affected your relationship.

[Carrie12345]

I had my first at 20 and my 7th at 39. Know which pregnancy was my toughest? Nope, it was 3rd...born when I was 27. She was also my hardest labor and delivery. My 6th and 7th, both born after age 35, were my healthiest pregnacies and by far my easiest, quickest births. I chalk it up to experience--knowing how best to handle the aches and pains before they get out of control. I see a midwife and have homebirths. They don't encourage any extra testing related to age they like to laugh at the idea of over 35 as "elderly" in obstetrical terms.

 

Barb

 

I can't speak to birth at 35+, but my experience has been similar to Barb's. My first was born when I was 21. My fourth was born 3 days after my 30th birthday. #4 was my easiest pregnancy. #3 was my easiest birth. And numbers 1 & 4 were the easiest to care for in infancy.

 

To be fair, my middle two are 13 months apart and I was not able to handle that very well, physically or mentally. I just haven't experienced any differences that I would attribute to age.

 

With #4, I was encouraged to have extra health screenings for being not-in-my-twenties. My midwives are hospital affiliated, which plays a part in their script. I could have refused, but I did do most of the tests. Strangely, I think the main one I skipped that time was the GD screening.:confused: My triple screen did come back with some warning sign, but it was a false alarm.

 

Socially, it's been very different. Few of my friends have babies right now. Some aren't married yet. Some are still waiting a bit to have kids. My friends who are already parents mostly have 3 and 4 year olds. I have about... 3 or 4 acquaintances my age with children around 10. Almost all of my son's friends' parents are in their late 30's and all across the 40's.

 

We haven't made any official decisions but, if we do have another child, I will be 34 or 35 for #5. The only worries I have revolve around having a fifth child rather than my age.

That's not entirely true. I guess my fear of experiencing parenting burnout could be considered a partial age issue. Raising 5 children over more than 2 decades sounds daunting to me, especially when I think about being in my late 50's when the last child would be an official adult. Meanwhile, I won't even be 40 when ds#1 starts college.

 

Reading these boards does make me feel better. The posters doing it right now seem to have a great handle on things, a positive attitude, and the ability to vent when frustrated without sounding like they're miserable! :)

 

I have a cousin who has been TTC a third child for about 3 years now. She is in her early 40's and has suffered multiple late miscarriages in that time, after fairly routine pregnancies with her 6- and 8-year-olds. I can't help but think about possible fertility issues down the line after seeing her pain. It makes me grateful to have started my family in my 20's, but it doesn't leave me fearful enough to count out later-motherhood.

 

And none of that fits your paper's purpose, but I've enjoyed reading everyone's experiences and wanted to share my own.:D

[Carrie12345]

I'm 51 and feel I could be the Mom, age-wise, to many of the people on this board! I was married when I was 23 and eventhough it wasn't our choice to wait as long as we did, we became parents 18 years into our marriage. Our daughter is now 9+ yo and we celebrate 28th years of marriage Oct. 25.

 

 

 

I can't come up with a phrase that sounds less canned and corny, so I'll just say I find that fascinating, Sheryl.

 

Dh and I have been parenting together from the day we were married. Sometimes I do wonder how we would be different if we had a few years together as just a couple.

 

Our 8th anniversary is this Saturday, and I feel as though we've just recently found our "groove". We read each other well, we understand each other well, our goals, opinions and expectations have melded.

 

On one hand, I assume that time alone would have brought that about faster (and smoother.) On the other, I'm trying to imagine handling such an enormous change after 18 years, and I wonder if I could do it.

 

For the record, it doesn't really matter if you *could be a mom to many posters here. My own mother seriously considered having another child when she remarried, at 47. I got married a month before she did. I was 23, I had a toddler, and my stepsister was pregnant.

 

In the end, my parents decided they didn't want to tackle the medical interventions (tied tubes) and risks. It might have been interesting to have a sister or brother 24 years or so my junior!

[Scarlett]

I can't come up with a phrase that sounds less canned and corny, so I'll just say I find that fascinating, Sheryl.

 

Dh and I have been parenting together from the day we were married. Sometimes I do wonder how we would be different if we had a few years together as just a couple.

 

Our 8th anniversary is this Saturday, and I feel as though we've just recently found our "groove". We read each other well, we understand each other well, our goals, opinions and expectations have melded.

 

On one hand, I assume that time alone would have brought that about faster (and smoother.) On the other, I'm trying to imagine handling such an enormous change after 18 years, and I wonder if I could do it.

 

Dh and I were married 16.5 years before ds arrived. We just had our 25 anniversary. It was too many years to wait and I regret it so much. Because dh was the one who kept stalling, I have a lot of resentment toward him for keeping motherhood from me for so long. Of course, if BOTH wanted a baby and if it was infertility preventing parenthood I understand that would be different.

 

A baby in the house after so many years alone was not a big adjustment. Certaintly not for me and not even for dh so much. I was very very ready for a child. Like someone else said, I was not overwhelmed by motherhood----I was old enough to be realistic about it all. I drank in every second of his babyhood and toddler hood. Even now I feel like his childhood is slipping away---I can sometimes see the sand dropping through the hourglass.

 

The one thing I do regret is not using my pre-mother hood years more wisely...I feel like I sat around waiting for my life to begin because I wanted a baby so bad. There are things that I wish we had done and attitudes I wish I could have rooted out so that I could have enjoyed my childless years more.

 

I have friends who were 23 when they married/ 25 when baby one was born and 27 when baby 2 was born. I see MUCH more struggle in their lives than was in mine- -part is that is because she has 2 babies so close together---but they also have trouble with role definition and getting to really know each other while they care for 2 toddlers.

 

If I could do it all over again, MY perfect formula would be marry at 23 have first baby at 27 and second at 30. But you know what they say...Man plans, God laughs.

[Parrothead]

I don't think it effected our relationship at all. I was married late (32) and pregnant within months. We didn't

have years and years of just the two of us prior to dd coming along. Dd has always been with us.