People with sensory issues and house size

[Sharon77]

That post about moms with high sensory issues and having several children was fascinating.

 

It describes my dh to a T.   Our marriage has always been high stress because EVERYTHING bothers him, since he feels I am the only one who can somewhat control the situation (i.e. screaming kids). 

 

Cooking odors, bright lights, even dim lights if they are bent in way where the light is not defused bother him.

 

Loud noises (including loudly laughing people), people chewing, people breathing, bad breathe.

 

Even accidental dropping of items, the shock of the sound stresses him out. He is also a very light sleeper, so there are problems there. 

 

I am on the opposite spectrum. Nothing bothers me. I can't smell anything, I love bright lights and lots of noise. I can sleep through anything. And even when my kids sit all around me, I love it. When they were babies, my kids would sleep against each of my sides, one across my legs and another across my chest!! Haha :)

 

All this to say, as the kids have all headed into teen hood, things have gotten worse for him. Teens don't go to bed early...they stay up late and make noise like going to the bathroom and running the water. Teens want to go out at night and the stress of them coming home and walking around is getting to him.

 

Because he doesn't want to ruin his relationship with the kids and wants them to feel free to live with us through college and grad school, he wants to buy a much bigger house. A house with rooms where he can escape when he feels the stress rising. 

 

We can afford it, but I feel like it goes against all sound financial advice. Just all of it. I read lots of "how to be good with money" blogs and articles and all of it is always about saving money, buying small, etc.

 

I also think my one son is becoming like this. He has his own room, but feels suffocated and sometimes, the noise in the hall bother him. 

 

But if you have sensory issues, is this an area where it is worth spending more money? Would having a bigger home seriously help?

Edited May 1, 2016 by Sharon77

[Guest]

I wouldn't buy a bigger home without first replacing his door with a solid one, not the normal hollow core, and adding acoustic insulation below the floor, in the walls, and spray foaming any wood members that would transmit sound. Rip it to the studs and make it much, much better insulated. That's going to be cheaper than a bigger home and may well solve much of the problem. If that doesn't work then it may be time to look at him living in his own space (like a cottage on the property of a room above a garage) or even a whole new house altogether. But I wouldn't jump there just yet.

[Spryte]

Hmmmm. It might. :)

 

I have sensory issues. Big ones. With big, ugly medical reasons behind them. They are real. They impact life.

 

Until last Aug, we lived in a 1200 sq ft house. Except, the well-lit basement was primarily used for work. DH's office and recording studio. So for all intents and purposes, we lived in 2/3 of our house. There was no where to escape. We had a beautifully done patio and backyard, but it wasn't an escape, not really. I could still hear it all. It was painful. But we were happy, we managed, and I did love that house.

 

Because I was finally healthy enough to pack and move, and we wanted to be closer to parents - we did it. We moved.

 

Our new house is perfect. Really. I'm in love with it. It's like it was made for us. The layout, the places to escape, yet still be part of things. Bliss.

 

First though, we can afford it, and had been living way under our means. So while its more money, it's not a huge strain. I did suffer some pangs related to yours wrt saving, not spending, living in the smallest house possible. But the pay off has been completely worth it! Happiness counts. And then, cherry on top, I happened to hear an interview with a person talking about saving for retirement - I don't know her name but can try to find it - and her advice was not to live in the smallest house possible etc, but to live in the best house on the neighborhood. I almost fell over. She advocated modest neighborhoods, but not living in the smallest house. Live in the best one. And you will stay happier. People who are happier save more, stay more content, I can't remember it all but it made me happy to hear it!

 

So - yes. I think it's worth it. Absolutely.

[Spryte]

Wait. OP, are you asking about this to help solving your DH's issues or your son's? If it's the teen son's then AM's ideas would be good to try.

 

If you're talking about a parent, you could still try, of course, but I would find it hard to relegate DH to a cottage. :)

 

Still, there are things you can try to minimize noise. Do you want those types of ideas? I may have misunderstood your post. I got a little excited, since we just changed houses, essentially up sized, and it's helped my sensory stuff so much - I might have jumped the gun.

Edited May 1, 2016 by Spryte

[prairiewindmomma]

Therapy is worth doing for sensory stuff.  IMO, it tends to run in families and there's a fair amount that can be done to make life more tolerable.  If you're at the point of avoiding "life" because of sensory stuff, it's time to address things.

 

IOE, with 3/5 of us having sensory stuff, having a bigger/smaller house hasn't been that much of an impact. We've lived in both. We do have a quiet area, and we do work on being sensitive to each other's needs without tiptoeing about.

 

Spray insulation around bedrooms and bathrooms is fairly cheap (compared to moving and upsizing). So are noise canceling headphones.  There's no reason to bang about at all hours. We have a quiet/lights out rule after 9 pm.  Not all of us are asleep, but we are quietly reading or watching a movie on a laptop with headphones or otherwise being respectful of the need for sleep in others.

[BooksandBoys]

We bought our big house after my sensory issues worsened. Before that, we had always lived small, but with 3 loud boys and a very, very noise/mess/touch/everything sensitive me, we intentionally looked for a bigger house when we decided to buy. It has helped so much! I still have to do a lot of other things to care for myself, but being able to relegate all toys to the finished basement (and most of the loud playing there too) makes my life much more manageable. I thought I was going to lose it when toys were all mixed up with homeschool supplies and clothes and noisy people and everything in our previous tiny house. :-)

[maize]

OP, I've wondered the same thing as you, and for the same reasons. Dh is super sensitive to stuff, especially noise. I love the financial freedom that comes with a small, affordable house but wonder if him having his own space separate and insulated from the family areas would make a big difference to his stress level.

Edited May 1, 2016 by maize

[BarbecueMom]

The layout of our house helps (bedrooms away from living space), but I admit that a lot of my problems simply come from living with other people, no matter how much space we have. It's not so much the noise or touch as much as the sometimes suffocating awareness (best way I can describe it) of life going on around me. Even when it's quiet and the kids are elsewhere, constantly being on-guard and knowing that sound and light and touch COULD happen is nerve wrecking.

 

Could some of the money saved from not buying a larger house go toward solo (or couple, or DH + 1-kid, or everyone but DH) vacations?

[bettyandbob]

Bigger won't necessarily help. You need to look at the layout of the house. I'd consider what you can do with the space you've got first. Would rearranging bedrooms help? Do you have carpeting with good padding. Look up things to do to reduce the acoustics.  Would your dh consider noise cancelling headphones. 

[zoobie]

I agree that you could look for an optimal layout rather than more square footage. We had a short term rental house before we found one to buy, and it was the smallest house we ever lived in with the best layout. It was crappy for lots of other reasons though. ;) But the basement had high ceilings (didn't feel cramped) and was really well insulated. The kids could be down there raising a ruckus and I couldn't hear them.

 

I absolutely would pay more for a house that improved my or DH's (or a child with specific needs) quality of life.

[foxbridgeacademy]

That post about moms with high sensory issues and having several children was fascinating.

 

It describes my dh to a T.   Our marriage has always been high stress because EVERYTHING bothers him, since he feels I am the only one who can somewhat control the situation (i.e. screaming kids). 

 

Cooking odors, bright lights, even dim lights if they are bent in way where the light is not defused bother him.

 

Loud noises (including loudly laughing people), people chewing, people breathing, bad breathe.

 

Even accidental dropping of items, the shock of the sound stresses him out. He is also a very light sleeper, so there are problems there. 

 

I am on the opposite spectrum. Nothing bothers me. I can't smell anything, I love bright lights and lots of noise. I can sleep through anything. And even when my kids sit all around me, I love it. When they were babies, my kids would sleep against each of my sides, one across my legs and another across my chest!! Haha :)

 

All this to say, as the kids have all headed into teen hood, things have gotten worse for him. Teens don't go to bed early...they stay up late and make noise like going to the bathroom and running the water. Teens want to go out at night and the stress of them coming home and walking around is getting to him.

 

Because he doesn't want to ruin his relationship with the kids and wants them to feel free to live with us through college and grad school, he wants to buy a much bigger house. A house with rooms where he can escape when he feels the stress rising. 

 

We can afford it, but I feel like it goes against all sound financial advice. Just all of it. I read lots of "how to be good with money" blogs and articles and all of it is always about saving money, buying small, etc.

 

I also think my one son is becoming like this. He has his own room, but feels suffocated and sometimes, the noise in the hall bother him. 

 

But if you have sensory issues, is this an area where it is worth spending more money? Would having a bigger home seriously help?

I don't have a problem with people chewing.... but pretty much everything else and more.  I call myself a "super-sensor".  I can taste, hear, smell, and feel stuff long before anyone else does and I can not tune them out (it annoys everyone that they annoy me so much).  I've learned to deal with much of it but the bigger house (we just increased our house size by about 1000 sq ft.) has helped with the sights/sounds so much I feel like I'm actually able to sleep for the first time since I can remember.  FYI, my high blood pressure pills help too.

 

[Sharon77]

I wouldn't buy a bigger home without first replacing his door with a solid one, not the normal hollow core, and adding acoustic insulation below the floor, in the walls, and spray foaming any wood members that would transmit sound. Rip it to the studs and make it much, much better insulated. That's going to be cheaper than a bigger home and may well solve much of the problem. If that doesn't work then it may be time to look at him living in his own space (like a cottage on the property of a room above a garage) or even a whole new house altogether. But I wouldn't jump there just yet.

 

 

haha, a house for himself sounds great!

 

We've done all those things insulation, noise machines, extra doors, etc.

 

He has a hard time sleeping, so over the years, we've tried everything. Nothing helps

[Guest]

haha, a house for himself sounds great!

 

We've done all those things insulation, noise machines, extra doors, etc.

 

He has a hard time sleeping, so over the years, we've tried everything. Nothing helps

I was responding to what to do about the son. The husband? I'd do the same thing to the bedroom that I suggested for your son and let than be a retreat. The rest he can manage on his own I'd say :)

[Sharon77]

Wait. OP, are you asking about this to help solving your DH's issues or your son's? If it's the teen son's then AM's ideas would be good to try.

 

If you're talking about a parent, you could still try, of course, but I would find it hard to relegate DH to a cottage. :)

 

Still, there are things you can try to minimize noise. Do you want those types of ideas? I may have misunderstood your post. I got a little excited, since we just changed houses, essentially up sized, and it's helped my sensory stuff so much - I might have jumped the gun.

 

 

Thanks, Spryte, I'm referring to my dh, with future concern for my son.

 

I'm glad to hear your house has helped...that may be where we are headed, but I wanted to know if others with sensory issues agreed since I am unable to relate to it.

[Sharon77]

Therapy is worth doing for sensory stuff.  IMO, it tends to run in families and there's a fair amount that can be done to make life more tolerable.  If you're at the point of avoiding "life" because of sensory stuff, it's time to address things.

 

IOE, with 3/5 of us having sensory stuff, having a bigger/smaller house hasn't been that much of an impact. We've lived in both. We do have a quiet area, and we do work on being sensitive to each other's needs without tiptoeing about.

 

Spray insulation around bedrooms and bathrooms is fairly cheap (compared to moving and upsizing). So are noise canceling headphones.  There's no reason to bang about at all hours. We have a quiet/lights out rule after 9 pm.  Not all of us are asleep, but we are quietly reading or watching a movie on a laptop with headphones or otherwise being respectful of the need for sleep in others.

 

 

No one is banging around on purpose, but my kids are all in college with youngest in 11th grade. They work jobs and go out late with friends. If they come home late and are hungry, they get stressed trying to fix themselves a sandwich because dh can hear everything and will wake up. Even squeaking floors cause stress.

[KayT]

Ear plugs. I had an illness that left me with sound sensitivity and I carry ear plugs with me everywhere and use as needed, I even sleep in them at night, it is the only way I can sleep. I am currently sitting on the sofa with them on while DH is watching Star Wars. It is amazing how just turning off one of the senses allows the brain to calm down.

[Sharon77]

We bought our big house after my sensory issues worsened. Before that, we had always lived small, but with 3 loud boys and a very, very noise/mess/touch/everything sensitive me, we intentionally looked for a bigger house when we decided to buy. It has helped so much! I still have to do a lot of other things to care for myself, but being able to relegate all toys to the finished basement (and most of the loud playing there too) makes my life much more manageable. I thought I was going to lose it when toys were all mixed up with homeschool supplies and clothes and noisy people and everything in our previous tiny house. :-)

 

 

Thank you, this is very good to hear

[Sharon77]

OP, I've wondered the same thing as you, and for the same reasons. Dh is super sensitive to stuff, especially noise. I love the financial freedom that comes with a small, affordable house but wonder if him having his own space separate and insulated from the family areas would make a big difference to his stress level.

 

 

Exactly!

 

Esp if my dh had a stressful day, he is hyper sensitive. 

 

He has said, he would rather spend all his money on a bigger house so that he can recover from the day and be able to go back out and make more money.

Edited May 2, 2016 by Sharon77

[Sharon77]

The layout of our house helps (bedrooms away from living space), but I admit that a lot of my problems simply come from living with other people, no matter how much space we have. It's not so much the noise or touch as much as the sometimes suffocating awareness (best way I can describe it) of life going on around me. Even when it's quiet and the kids are elsewhere, constantly being on-guard and knowing that sound and light and touch COULD happen is nerve wrecking.

 

Could some of the money saved from not buying a larger house go toward solo (or couple, or DH + 1-kid, or everyone but DH) vacations?

 

 

The only reason I think it would different for my dh is cause he knows I am home and would take care of things so he doesn't have to be on guard. 

He could just lock himself away and do whatever.

 

Vacations wouldn't really help cause it's a day to day thing :(

[Ausmumof3]

How much green outdoor space do you have available to you? Fwiw I think outdoor time helps with sensory stuff a lot. Maybe harder in a seriously cold climate.

[Arcadia]

My DS11 and I have to escape to the library because DS10 tends to be noisy. Let us just say the librarians will remind him to keep his voice down.

 

Besides we can't afford a house big enough for my DS11 not to hear my DS10 but they can sit at opposite ends of a big library.

[Catalytic]

Also have one of those husbands, that's why we bought a rambling rancher.  Bedrooms at one end, living area at the other.  One story so no creaking stairs.  DH was so much less stressed in that house, it was simply amazing.  Cannot wait to get back into it.  In the meantime, however, he uses headphones, with loud music, to try to drown it out.  The stairs in the house we are in creak loudly even with our very small dog on them.  

 

For the OP, I'd buy a new house, and I'd make darn sure he had his escape room.  Layout would be much more important than size, from my experience (tho the house we bought is 2800ish, but it helps that it's very long with the bedrooms separated from the rest.