Update...Would this bother you?

[Murphy101]

I don't think most foster moms who take in 16 year old girls start referring to themselves as the girl's 'mom'. Really I guess it is not translating. I have no issue with the family taking her in. She needed someone. She even needed mother. But she didn't need her mom to be replaced.

Most foster parents are actively told NOT to do that. They are not the parent and most of the time, they have no reason to think they ever will be. And the goal is always reunification if at all possible and so it'd be cruel and confusing to create conflict in the child about that.

[Scarlett]

I don't think you're jealous. I think you are alarmed. Maybe there is something more wrong with this woman than you can see but you feel it; maybe she is a control freak.

We recently have gone through something that felt like we were essentially being controlled by extended family members, and after observing the relationships these individuals have with their other family members, it was cause for alarm. No one is going to be telling me how to live and what to do.

 

You mentioned your son liking the girl...I will just say that in our experience, if you express any negativity toward his relationship with her, it will draw him closer to her. I would bet that he feels sympathy for her and might feel like he can rescue or save her from her troubled family. (Ask me how I know!!!) I'm not saying she's a bad girl, but it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship foundation to me.

 

I tried calling my mil Mom but she balked and that was the end of that. My dil does call me mom but I think that should be reserved for her mom.

 

 

I don't say anything bad about the girl.  There is nothing bad to say actually.  She is a great girl.  She is two years older than ds, so I kinda doubt there is a future there, but you never know.  And neither of them SAY they like each other.  I just see a few signs from both of them.

[gardenmom5]

  I don't refer to myself as 'mom' to my stepson even though I do love him.  

 

Another friend's son recently married and her new DIL calls her 'mom'.  Her younger son is furious about it.....and I told them it would make me ill if my son started calling another woman mom.  

 

Oddly enough, I just realized, this boundary stepping mom I was first talking about refers to her inlaws as mom and dad.  And she calls them that.  Hmmm.

I've a friend whose step-son calls her mom - but she is the one who raised him.  his mother is bonkers and 'not-safe'.

dd and I have a good relationship. she calls her bff's mom - mom.  it doesn't bother me.  (the other mom and I have since become friends, but we'd only met a few times when this started.)  

 

when dsil asked what I wanted him to call me,  I told him to call  me what that with which he felt comfortable.  he calls me mom.  heart.  I've no idea what dd calls his parents - I think by their first names. (I wouldn't have a problem with it if she called them mom or dad.)  I have always referred to mil by her first name.   (so do her kids . . . )

 

 

Well, I have been thinking lately that she is much more of a manipulator than most people give her c credit for.  She is kind of a scatterbrained  seeming type person...when I told my son I felt she was manipulative and taking over where she shouldn't....he got really mad at me.  And he has been mad at me about it for 2 days.

 

I think my big mistake was discussing it with my son.  

 

And yes, lots of kids in crisis get safe harbor from wonderful friends.  But like you say, it still doesn't mean they start acting like the actual mom.

when you said her dh lets  her do whatever she wants - I wondered. . . . . he may just not fight her because it's "not worth it", not because he has no objections.

 

your ds is probably too young to understand an irl manipulator.   and most people close to a situation rarely 'see it'.  tangled has a good depiction of what the manipulations of NPD look like . . . .

Edited April 1, 2016 by gardenmom5

[Murphy101]

I really really think there is nothing weird going on. I mean I know that stuff happens....but I think she just likes to control things. And rescue things.

 

As far as the brothers of this girl. They are older than her. And by the time she came to live with this family they were already out of control. The oldest one has his act together....sort of. He married a woman about 25 years older than him. I know the woman. She is very nice. But wow. I told this mom that I thought it was strange. That yes I recognize their right to get married...but it screams the young man looking for a mother figure. I said I couldn't imagine being attracted to a 23 year old at my age.

 

She said she could see it. I looked dead at her and asked her if I should be concerned about my son being around her.

Okay, well I'm glad about the girl's brothers. I must have gotten confused I thought the brothers were middle school aged for some reason. Maybe I cinfused them with her bio sons. Still begs the question of what makes her think she knows how to help an 17/18 yr old girl in crisis. Even for boys, the difference between 15 and 18 is light years.

 

And really I hope my reaction is all crazy overboard. But I'm right there with you on getting a really weird feeling about them. Something is fishy over there and I wouldn't want my kid getting sucked into the drama either.

[gardenmom5]

I really really think there is nothing weird going on.  I mean I know that stuff happens....but I think she just likes to control things.  And rescue things.

 

As far as the brothers of this girl.  They are older than her.  And by the time she came to live with this family they were already out of control.  The oldest one has his act together....sort of.  He married a woman about 25 years older than him.  I know the woman.  She is very nice.  But wow.  I told this mom that I thought it was strange.  That yes I recognize their right to get married...but it screams the young man looking for a mother figure. I said I couldn't imagine being attracted to a 23 year old at my age.  

 

She said she could see it.  I looked dead at her and asked her if I should be concerned about my son being around her. 

 

please do no underestimate how damaging a "controlling adult" (who likes 'rescuing people") can be to a vulnerable teen.

nothing else needs to be happening for it to cause damage.

 

eta: and I'm in the "listen to your gut" camp.

Edited April 1, 2016 by gardenmom5

[Scarlett]

I had people who presumed to call me daughter/sister . . . et. al.  *I* was not comfortable with their presumption, - but was too young to say anything indicating I objected..  . inwardly - I cringed. every. single. time.  it had a long-term negative impact upon the relationship.

 

they never knew it made me uncomfortable. the adult needs to ASK the teen if they're okay with that, and to respect that teens response.

 

 

I have been in that same boat.  

 

I just can't imagine calling anyone 'my child'.   

[gardenmom5]

I have been in that same boat.  

 

I just can't imagine calling anyone 'my child'.   

 

 

unless they were being patronizingly condescending and emphasizing the "child's" relative youth and inexperience.

[Scarlett]

unless they were being patronizingly condescending and emphasizing the "child's" relative youth and inexperience.

 

 

Oh right.  I can see that.  Misplaced quotes...should be I can't imagine calling someone else's child my 'child'.

[Scarlett]

Here is another thing she does that bugs the heck out of me.  

 

She is always telling me this teen girl is really full of anxiety and whatever I do don't ask her any questions.  I don't like people telling me not to ask another person questions.  

 

And the SIL who has ALS?  The other day I said, 'how is SIL doing?'  It was a very general question.  I wasn't looking for details or private info.  She dead pans me and says, 'well, she is a very private person.'

 

Um, actually she isn't.  Every single person in our congregation, at her request, was given a phone call to tell us of her diagnosis and that it is late stage.  She said she wanted everyone to know everything but she wasn't up to repeating the story over and over.  

 

And the ALS patient's mother tells me any and everything.  So really acting like there is some big secret she can't tell just because I asked a generic 'how is she doing' question just seems weird to me.

 

 

[The Girls' Mom]

If your gut feels it is an icky situation, then it may be.  Be cautious, but try not to let your original perceptions color everything you see.  

 

I tend to "adopt" kids into my flock.  I've been known to call other people's children "one of my kids", although I usually call them my bonus kids.  A few even call me their second mom, or whatever.  That part wouldn't bother me much.  (Maybe that comes from wishing I'd had a bonus family as a child that took me under their wing when things were so crappy at home?)  I wouldn't try to take over the role as an actual parent, though, unless circumstances were dire and it was needed.  

 

In our own family, a similar situation came up in which a teen boy ended up moving in with some of my family members.  He was actually dating their daughter.  His home life was a wreck, sometimes dangerous, and it was truly a better situation for him.  They had two teen daughters, and no extra bedrooms.  He's spent the past few years sleeping on the couch for the most part. From the outside, I'm sure it raised many an eyebrow.   From the inside, they provided stability for him when he needed it most.  They helped him graduate (he was poorly homeschooled) and are now helping him make it through college.  Their daughter is set to marry him in a few months, after 5 years of dating.  They gave them the opportunity to have a good start in life.

 

Anyway, I don't think it is a bad thing to be wary.  You just have to be careful about making assumptions.   

 

 

Edited April 1, 2016 by The Girls' Mom

[gardenmom5]

Here is another thing she does that bugs the heck out of me.

 

She is always telling me this teen girl is really full of anxiety and whatever I do don't ask her any questions. I don't like people telling me not to ask another person questions.

 

And the SIL who has ALS? The other day I said, 'how is SIL doing?' It was a very general question. I wasn't looking for details or private info. She dead pans me and says, 'well, she is a very private person.'

 

Um, actually she isn't. Every single person in our congregation, at her request, was given a phone call to tell us of her diagnosis and that it is late stage. She said she wanted everyone to know everything but she wasn't up to repeating the story over and over.

 

And the ALS patient's mother tells me any and everything. So really acting like there is some big secret she can't tell just because I asked a generic 'how is she doing' question just seems weird to me.

Just more flags.

 

Telling you not to ask questions makes me wonder what she's hiding. . .

It also implies she's DELIBERATELY hiding something.

 

Eta. Controlling information flow could also be a power trip for her.

Edited April 1, 2016 by gardenmom5

[Murphy101]

Just more flags.

 

Telling you not to ask questions makes me wonder what she's hiding. . .

It also implies she's DELIBERATELY hiding something.

 

Eta. Controlling information flow could also be a power trip for her.

Things like God forbid you discover her version and the girl's version of things have a lot of inconsistencies or other very relevant details that completely change how the situation would be perceived.

 

But yeah, sure. She could just be a controlling powering tripping woman. Not that I'd be real happy to have that kind of person "helping" me parent my kid unasked either.

[Anne in CA]

I didn't read any replies, but this is boundary crossing. I had someone do this with my oldest. The dingbat didn't know the meaning of the word boundary. Lots of people think she's great also. People of low intellect or people too young to know better.

[Scarlett]

Just more flags.

 

Telling you not to ask questions makes me wonder what she's hiding. . .

It also implies she's DELIBERATELY hiding something.

 

Eta. Controlling information flow could also be a power trip for her.

 

 

I think she is power tripping. 

 

One time I had all the teens out to my house and she came too....she brought her boys.  She says to me, 'so do you like (slight emphasis on the word like) having all the kids around?.'  I can't adequately explain it...but it made me feel like she wanted to be the only one who always has the kids around.  

[Murphy101]

Yes and she wanted to make sure all the kids felt just slightly unwelcome in your home.

 

Grrrr

Okay.

Let's go kick her butt.

I mean pray harder for her to be smited.

I don't think I have this meek be like Mary thing figured out.

[Scarlett]

Yes and she wanted to make sure all the kids felt just slightly unwelcome in your home.

 

Grrrr

Okay.

Let's go kick her butt.

I mean pray harder for her to be smited.

I don't think I have this meek be like Mary thing figured out.

 

LOL.

 

And when I call her on something....like asking if I should be worried to have my son around her she cries victim.  She called me and told me she couldn't stop thinking about me saying that and she is soooo upset to think I would think that.

[Murphy101]

LOL.

 

And when I call her on something....like asking if I should be worried to have my son around her she cries victim. She called me and told me she couldn't stop thinking about me saying that and she is soooo upset to think I would think that.

Humpf

 

When someone tells or show you who they are, they shouldn't get too upset if you believe them.

 

I'd limit my contact with her too. No matter what you say, I promise she will use it to twist your son up.

[Rosie_0801]

Yes and she wanted to make sure all the kids felt just slightly unwelcome in your home.

 

Grrrr

Okay.

Let's go kick her butt.

I mean pray harder for her to be smited.

I don't think I have this meek be like Mary thing figured out.

 

Neither you should when meekness = enabling.  :Angel_anim:

[Arcadia]

Another friend's son recently married and her new DIL calls her 'mom'. Her younger son is furious about it.....and I told them it would make me ill if my son started calling another woman mom.

That is the norm though in my social circles and I am in my early 40s with older cousins in the early 60s.

 

ETA:

Some people are socially inept regardless of age. Whether there is ill intent is hard to say.

Edited April 2, 2016 by Arcadia

[Murphy101]

That is the norm though in my social circles and I am in my early 40s with older cousins in the early 60s.

But if it's he norm, I doubt her younger son would be phased by having a sil use the term.

 

I don't care if I do think it's fine. If it put strife within the household - it's not okay. Not over something like this. They can easily call me something else. Save strife for things that are important.

[Rosie_0801]

If my dd wanted to call her stepmother 'Mum,' that'd be their business. Telling dd that her stepmother wasn't her stepmother but her (other?) real mum was crossing a line. My mother was ropable when she heard that.

[Scarlett]

If my dd wanted to call her stepmother 'Mum,' that'd be their business. Telling dd that her stepmother wasn't her stepmother but her (other?) real mum was crossing a line. My mother was ropable when she heard that.

 

 

I don't know what ropable means, but I would be livid.  

 

I am so glad my XH hasn't remarried.  I would be out of my mind if my son had a step mother.

[Scarlett]

But if it's he norm, I doubt her younger son would be phased by having a sil use the term.

 

I don't care if I do think it's fine. If it put strife within the household - it's not okay. Not over something like this. They can easily call me something else. Save strife for things that are important.

 

 

I should start a poll.  

 

Is it normal in your circles to call your inlaws mom and dad?

 

But of course in this situation it isn't even a relative.  Just a family friend who is calling the girl 'daughter'.

[Murphy101]

I don't know what ropable means, but I would be livid.

 

I am so glad my XH hasn't remarried. I would be out of my mind if my son had a step mother.

Ropable - fit to be tied

[Murphy101]

If my dd wanted to call her stepmother 'Mum,' that'd be their business. Telling dd that her stepmother wasn't her stepmother but her (other?) real mum was crossing a line. My mother was ropable when she heard that.

Oh yeah you bet. One is a common endearment amid family. The other is mind games crap that needs smacked right out.

[Scarlett]

Ropable - fit to be tied

 

 

Ah.  Got it.  Close to livid.  :)

 

Seriously I have been so thankful to my XH for keeping his 'dating' life separate from ds.  At first, with the first girlfriend he tried to make it all 'ok'....but ds was having none of it.  Now at age 16 ds wouldn't be much affected by any gf he tried to introduce to ds.  

[Murphy101]

My kids have people they call aunt who aren't.

 

I don't think they call anyone else mom or dad.

 

I have a BFF since 7th grade and I refer to her mom as mom or her first name.

 

So we might be chatting on the phone and I'll say, "How is mom doing lately?" Or if visiting I might say, "You boys come help mom out of the car and into the house."

 

She knows I mean her mom and she knows I'm not trying to horn in on her relationship in some way and thinks nothing of it. Neither does her mom.

 

If I'm talking to someone else tho, I don't call her mom. I say her first name or Mrs _ or my BFF's mom.

 

I have had people seem to think its weird I help take care of her sometimes (she has Alzheimer's now and lives with my BFF) bc she isn't really my mom. Mostly I just think those people are turds bc it doesn't matter who she is or if she's blood or not. So if I think I'm dealing with such a person I just call her mom and my BFF a sister. My BFF needs a break now and then and I'm glad to do so bc that's what humans are supposed to do.

[Murphy101]

Ah. Got it. Close to livid. :)

 

Seriously I have been so thankful to my XH for keeping his 'dating' life separate from ds. At first, with the first girlfriend he tried to make it all 'ok'....but ds was having none of it. Now at age 16 ds wouldn't be much affected by any gf he tried to introduce to ds.

Oh I bet he would. Teens just show it and process it very differently.

[Scarlett]

Oh I bet he would. Teens just show it and process it very differently.

 

 

Well maybe.  He has spent 2 overnights with XH in 18 months so I think at this point the influence is slight.

[Rosie_0801]

I don't know what ropable means, but I would be livid.  

 

 

They are synonyms. :)

[Rosie_0801]

Well maybe.  He has spent 2 overnights with XH in 18 months so I think at this point the influence is slight.

 

I think it must be easier with boys, but of course I don't know.

 

It's easier without court orders, I know that. :p All they seem to do is make everyone's life less convenient than they used to be. Oh well.  :nopity:

[Scarlett]

I think it must be easier with boys, but of course I don't know.

 

It's easier without court orders, I know that. :p All they seem to do is make everyone's life less convenient than they used to be. Oh well. :nopity:

OH there is a court order. But teens have a way of wearing people down.....his dad finally said he wasn't going to force him anymore. Life has been much more pleasant since then. My sympathy to all the NCP out there who did not destroy their kids of FOO yet suffer this fate. Heck I even have sympathy for xh who DID destroy his son's FOO.

[gardenmom5]

But if it's he norm, I doubt her younger son would be phased by having a sil use the term.

 

I don't care if I do think it's fine. If it put strife within the household - it's not okay. Not over something like this. They can easily call me something else. Save strife for things that are important.

 

I admit, as the parent, i'd see that child has having a jealous fit in the vein of kids when a new baby comes on the scene.  it could be because dudeling (11yo aspie) was very bratty to dsil that I do equate it as being very childish behavior.    (at times, he's also been very bratty to his blood siblings.)

 

I call my mil by her first name, and I see a real mix.

 

fact is - dsil has married into our family, and is now legally (and morally) part of our family.  dsil choose to call me mom, it was his choice.

[Scarlett]

I admit, as the parent, i'd see that child has having a jealous fit in the vein of kids when a new baby comes on the scene. it could be because dudeling (11yo aspie) was very bratty to dsil that I do equate it as being very childish behavior. (at times, he's also been very bratty to his blood siblings.)

 

I call my mil by her first name, and I see a real mix.

 

fact is - dsil has married into our family, and is now legally (and morally) part of our family. dsil choose to call me mom, it was his choice.

Well you called that right...younger son is 21 but very immature. But hey I am 51 and I don't want my son calling anyone else mom. Seriously it makes me physically ill to contemplate. The mom in this case says it matters that her new DIL has no relationship with her mom. That I am a good mom and blah blah blah.

[Forget-Me-Not]

please do no underestimate how damaging a "controlling adult" (who likes 'rescuing people") can be to a vulnerable teen.

nothing else needs to be happening for it to cause damage.

 

eta: and I'm in the "listen to your gut" camp.

Yes.  Some friends recently spent a year in court trying to get their very troubled teen out of the clutches of a woman who was trying to "rescue".  

 

Just like there are women who have a thing for trying to attract other women's husbands/boyfriends, I think there are women who sort of like to try to step between a kid and their parents and become more important to the kid.  Don't ignore your gut.  I would encourage you to be frank with your son about your feelings and give him a list of things that concern you about her.  It may make him think twice about some things.  

Edited April 2, 2016 by Forget-me-not

[Rosie_0801]

Yes.  Some friends recently spent a year in court trying to get their very troubled teen out of the clutches of a woman who was trying to "rescue".  

 

What? !! How do you get into court with someone who has no legal right to your child?

 

 

(I get that you may not want to expand on this for privacy reasons. I just have a whole lot of sympathy for people who are stuck in court cases they don't deserve.)

[Scarlett]

Yes. Some friends recently spent a year in court trying to get their very troubled teen out of the clutches of a woman who was trying to "rescue".

 

Just like there are women who have a thing for trying to attract other women's husbands/boyfriends, I think there are women who sort of like to try to step between a kid and their parents and become more important to the kid. Don't ignore your gut. I would encourage you to be frank with your son about your feelings and give him a list of things that concern you about her. It may make him think twice about some things.

My frank discussions about his woman with my son resulted in him being mad at me for the last two days. So new approach......keep him busy with other activities and other people. Sean him away from this woman's family.

[Scarlett]

What? !! How do you get into court with someone who has no legal right to your child?

 

 

(I get that you may not want to expand on this for privacy reasons. I just have a whole lot of sympathy for people who are stuck in court cases they don't deserve.)

Yes this has me curious too.

[Joker]

We took in a friend of mine for a year when she was a teen. Her parents kicked her out for dating someone of a different race. When we took her in, the parents were upset. My parents didn't kick her out of our house just because they were angry and didn't like it. Her parents weren't able to force anything either. That year in our home allowed her to get a job, save up money, and support herself. Unfortunately, sometimes parents shouldn't have all the power and I guess that makes it difficult for the good ones as well.

[Danestress]

It does seem ... sort of creepy.

 

But I can also think of it this way. Young women who under-cared for in their families (mom's partner is an addict, mom may be too, I assume that may be the case here) are vulnerable. In my experience, they often get wrapped up in relationships with men that aren't healthy for them. Maybe this women is over the top. But maybe she also made space in her family for this girl and provided a safe and loving alternative to hooking up with a guy who makes her feel 'safe' but is a bad idea or finding some other way to feel she belongs somewhere. It may not be perfect, but it seems better than so many other options.

 

I want to ask one thing. You say there are the parents, grandparents, two buys and a nephew in that home. You said that including her, it's people from four families. Are the boys also people she took in? Are the grandparents actually her or DH's parents or grandparents? Because this looks like one family plus her if so. And if the grandparents aren't related, I am less inclined to think she has a need to steal other people's kids and more inclined to think she just has a need to feel important or to be a 'saver.'

[Rosie_0801]

It does seem ... sort of creepy.

 

But I can also think of it this way. Young women who under-cared for in their families (mom's partner is an addict, mom may be too, I assume that may be the case here) are vulnerable. In my experience, they often get wrapped up in relationships with men that aren't healthy for them. Maybe this women is over the top. But maybe she also made space in her family for this girl and provided a safe and loving alternative to hooking up with a guy who makes her feel 'safe' but is a bad idea or finding some other way to feel she belongs somewhere. It may not be perfect, but it seems better than so many other options.

 

There are certainly worse options, but this isn't safe and loving below the surface. It's a different and less immediate form of dysfunction. It's still grooming her into forms of victimhood.

[Scarlett]

It does seem ... sort of creepy.

 

But I can also think of it this way. Young women who under-cared for in their families (mom's partner is an addict, mom may be too, I assume that may be the case here) are vulnerable. In my experience, they often get wrapped up in relationships with men that aren't healthy for them. Maybe this women is over the top. But maybe she also made space in her family for this girl and provided a safe and loving alternative to hooking up with a guy who makes her feel 'safe' but is a bad idea or finding some other way to feel she belongs somewhere. It may not be perfect, but it seems better than so many other options.

 

I want to ask one thing. You say there are the parents, grandparents, two buys and a nephew in that home. You said that including her, it's people from four families. Are the boys also people she took in? Are the grandparents actually her or DH's parents or grandparents? Because this looks like one family plus her if so. And if the grandparents aren't related, I am less inclined to think she has a need to steal other people's kids and more inclined to think she just has a need to feel important or to be a 'saver.'

No. I am calling

Her, her husband and their two boys a family

Her nephew a family

The grandparents ( her husbands parents ) are one family

The teen girl a family

And yes I agree the teen girl could have chosen such worse paths

[Murphy101]

There are certainly worse options, but this isn't safe and loving below the surface. It's a different and less immediate form of dysfunction. It's still grooming her into forms of victimhood.

This. So much this.

 

This family might be less bad than a crack house, but that alone doesn't necessarily make them a safe house either. It doesn't take a lot to improve on leaving and abusive crack house. From the abused minor POV, anything not that place is wonderful. We adults though have higher expectations and better understanding of the various differences and can see this seems very shady and sets off some alarm bells for us. Rightly so IMO.

[Murphy101]

No. I am calling

Her, her husband and their two boys a family

Her nephew a family

The grandparents ( her husbands parents ) are one family

The teen girl a family

And yes I agree the teen girl could have chosen such worse paths

I don't think that's different families. But it does sound like one family in some crisis mode of their own to deal with and maybe adding a teen girl in crisis is not the smartest move for any of them.

[Joker]

I don't think that's different families. But it does sound like one family in some crisis mode of their own to deal with and maybe adding a teen girl in crisis is not the smartest move for any of them.

I wouldn't consider a family living with in laws in crisis at all. The nephew might give me pause but still not crisis mode. I've known many families living together the same way and it's no big deal.

Edited April 2, 2016 by Joker

[Forget-Me-Not]

What? !! How do you get into court with someone who has no legal right to your child?

 

 

(I get that you may not want to expand on this for privacy reasons. I just have a whole lot of sympathy for people who are stuck in court cases they don't deserve.)

Yeah, I don't want to get into a lot of details on a public board. It's not my story to tell. But before it all went down, I would have never believed that it could be so difficult for a parent to force a kid to break off a relationship with an unrelated adult.

[Harriet Vane]

I will be the dissenter here.

 

This girl's mom is dating an addict and probably has addiction issues. Girl needed somewhere safer. No question. Addicted boyfriends tend to bring the possibility of abuse or rape for the teenager. Even if those crimes do not occur, living with someone with addictions issues means that every day life has a LOT of ugliness. I know this first hand.

 

I spent many years helping kids and teens, and I have many friends who are foster parents currently. I have several friends who have taken in needy teens or young adults because of the valid, real concern that if a safe place is not provided, the result is often rape, sexual promiscuity, abusive relationships, drugs, or suicide. The fact is that there are lots and lots of kids who need help and who will never "qualify" to get into the system. And the sad fact is that even if they do get help from child services, there are a ton of crazy, dysfunctional foster homes and group settings in which kids are abused. There simply are not enough safe places for kids. 

 

The judgement on this thread leaves me quite saddened. When family fails, we do our best to fill that aching hole. 

 

There really is no comparison between what is right in an addictions situation and what would be fair or right for a healthy family. You cannot apply your feelings about your own son and home to the realities this girl and your friend are trying to address. 

 

I think you should give the benefit of the doubt, because your friend has done what many lack the courage to do. She gave a hurting, needy kid a safe place to live. Human relationships and bonding can be complicated, and your friend is doing her best to figure it out. 

[Scarlett]

I don't think that's different families. But it does sound like one family in some crisis mode of their own to deal with and maybe adding a teen girl in crisis is not the smartest move for any of them.

 

I don't think I would say they are in crisis. I couldn't handle living all piled up like that but the house is clean and really every one except the mom seems fine. The grandparents are wonderful people. They took care of aging parents in another area and when both parents died they moved to the town where 4 of their 5 children are living. The kids pitched in and converted the garage. The adult nephew works and carries his share of the bills. Both grandparents drive buses for the school system. They are a close family and I think they all just prefer to share the bills in this way.

 

But adding the girl is not a decision I would have made in their situation. There were a number of other families where it would have made more sense for her to be.....and every one loves her. But this mom just sucked her in early on and no one else is really allowed in.

[Scarlett]

I will be the dissenter here.

 

This girl's mom is dating an addict and probably has addiction issues. Girl needed somewhere safer. No question. Addicted boyfriends tend to bring the possibility of abuse or rape for the teenager. Even if those crimes do not occur, living with someone with addictions issues means that every day life has a LOT of ugliness. I know this first hand.

 

I spent many years helping kids and teens, and I have many friends who are foster parents currently. I have several friends who have taken in needy teens or young adults because of the valid, real concern that if a safe place is not provided, the result is often rape, sexual promiscuity, abusive relationships, drugs, or suicide. The fact is that there are lots and lots of kids who need help and who will never "qualify" to get into the system. And the sad fact is that even if they do get help from child services, there are a ton of crazy, dysfunctional foster homes and group settings in which kids are abused. There simply are not enough safe places for kids.

 

The judgement on this thread leaves me quite saddened. When family fails, we do our best to fill that aching hole.

 

There really is no comparison between what is right in an addictions situation and what would be fair or right for a healthy family. You cannot apply your feelings about your own son and home to the realities this girl and your friend are trying to address.

 

I think you should give the benefit of the doubt, because your friend has done what many lack the courage to do. She gave a hurting, needy kid a safe place to live. Human relationships and bonding can be complicated, and your friend is doing her best to figure it out.

Did you miss the part where the girl has an older brother who took her in?

[Scarlett]

Did you miss the part where the girl has an older brother who took her in?

And I will add that the girl being in this home created a crisis on its own. It put the family under extreme stress because of their being so many males in the home and she was not left alone with any of them. If it had been up to the mom that oversize would not have happend. But the grandfather in the home talked to them about propriety and caution in these situations.

 

The mom even told me she was happy teen girl got her own place because it was exhausting to make sure she was never at the house alone with all the boys and men.