Update...Would this bother you?

[Scarlett]

3/9/17 update in post 139

 

Update--I came and found this old thread because of a comment she made to me yesterday.

 

First the young girl they took in for a while? She is now dating the adult nephew who lives with the family. That is all ok....he is a great guy very mature...she is 19 now....but of course none of us are surprised at all...but anyway....this nephew was very happy single...said he didn't want to ever get married...and he said maybe when my son and his cousin were adults they could all be roommates. So now he is dating this young woman...and the boys are like aw man there goes our roommate....just funny stuff kids think. Anyway, the mom comes up to me at lunch yesterday and says, "did you hear the big joke? Your son says if nephew gets married and moves out, he ( my son ) can move in to nephews bedroom. Ha ha. I said no way Scarlett would kill me!"

 

I smiled and let it go....but I had that feeling of I think I am being made fun of and undermined and devalued by someone who is smiling at me the entire time.

 

Is it just me? Dh says she has no filter and it was a very thoughtless thing for her to say to me.

 

What do you guys think?

---------------------------------------------------------------

 

Our family is friends with a family. The mom in said family is much younger than me. 35 vs. 50. It seems to me she doesn't understand boundaries with other peoples children.

 

First it was the young teen girl who at 16 was in a very bad home situation. Her mom was married to an addict, maybe the mom was too....the girl was very stressed out and basically just didn't want to be involved in any of that. She has an older brother, in the city nearby, who got a 2 bedroom apartment and then the two of them convinced their mother to let the teen girl go live with him. It was a MUCH better set up for this teen girl. Except that she missed our congregation, her friends here where she had grown up etc. So she came back to visit often and would stay with this family who she felt comfortable with. Even though there was no physical room for her. (a 1200 sf home with the garage converted to an apt for one set of grandparents and an adult nephew in one bedroom, two young teen boys in one bedroom and the parents in one bedroom) Counting this teen girl 8 people in that house from 4 families. But they all liked it I guess. But, the mom of the teen girl was not happy with the girl being so close to this family....it was presented to me as jealousy...so a lot of the visits were kept from the mom.

 

Very soon the girl was moved in permanently. There was a huge uproar because the mom in this family thought it would be a good idea to add a third bed to her teen boys room for the teen girl. After we all convinced her that was a VERY bad idea they converted the dining area to a bedroom for her. Yes, built her walls and all.

 

Up to that point it was a little off but ok. Then the mom of this household began to refer to this teen girl as her daughter. And include her in every comment about 'our family'. And it really really began to bug me. I know they were providing a home for this girl, but I really felt they had overstepped their position because she actually HAD a place to live (with her brother) but it felt to me like especially the mom of this family just took over. She would say things like, 'well, I have to do this or that for her (teen girl) because when you are a parent it is just what you do.'

 

The girl turned 18 last fall and will be graduating next month. A month or so ago she moved in with a mid 20s female relative of her 'foster' family, which is a VERY good thing IMO. And really it isn't much my business except I see her doing the same thing to another young girl in our circle. This girl though has a good family and won't be moving in with them, but I see the same 'taking over' type behavior. My son is best friends with her oldest son. And all of this mom's behavior surrounding how she takes over other people's kids has really affected my feelings toward her and that in turn is affecting the relationship between my son and me because he thinks she is just a GREAT person.

 

Someone help me gain perspective. Am I just jealous? Or is her behavior at least a little boundary crossing?

Edited March 10, 2017 by Scarlett

[bettyandbob]

I guess as a parent I'd be monitoring all contact with the mom. At 16 my kids were doing a lot on their own with friends no parents involved. So I guess I'd be watching to see if she had more involvement in activities.

 

It's hard when you see one side to know everything,but I would be wary.

[Scarlett]

I guess as a parent I'd be monitoring all contact with the mom. At 16 my kids were doing a lot on their own with friends no parents involved. So I guess I'd be watching to see if she had more involvement in activities.

 

It's hard when you see one side to know everything,but I would be wary.

 

 

My son just got his licence so he is just now 'on his own' a bit.  I still require an adult be with their groups, but that can include several young men in their 20s that I trust.  

 

The family is overall a great family.  The dad is so  easy going...he goes along with what ever she says.  When the issue of where the girl would be sleeping came up and someone asked him what he thought of her by then abandoned idea of putting this teen girl in the same bedroom with his two teen boys he said, 'well, I wondered if it was a good idea, but whatever.'  It was actually his dad (who lives in the garage apt that said 'NO WAY'.  :)  

 

The adult nephew is a great young man.  Great role model for my son and he takes his cousins and my son to the movies and stuff.  

 

Several times when she would refer to the teen girl as her 'daughter' or herself as the girl's 'parent'I would say 'you aren't her mother.  She HAS a mother.' 

[Guest]

Your son has a great mom, so I think you're OK on the home front. It's annoying when people we love look up to people who seem shady to us, but it's nothing to let affect YOUR relationship ykwim?

 

As for the woman, I have known a lot of people like that actually. I 100% understand why you're uncomfortable with it, and why it seems weird and over-steppy and  just...bizarre. It is all ofthose things. I was cringing reading your post because it reminds me of four different people I know.

 

But! she did help the girl, yes? Gave her a safe place to sleep, helped her get set up with a more tenable living situation after graduation, etc. Our helpers in life are seldom angels. We need their hlp any way, and it's still good that they give it.

[Scarlett]

Your son has a great mom, so I think you're OK on the home front. It's annoying when people we love look up to people who seem shady to us, but it's nothing to let affect YOUR relationship ykwim?

 

As for the woman, I have known a lot of people like that actually. I 100% understand why you're uncomfortable with it, and why it seems weird and over-steppy and  just...bizarre. It is all ofthose things. I was cringing reading your post because it reminds me of four different people I know.

 

But! she did help the girl, yes? Gave her a safe place to sleep, helped her get set up with a more tenable living situation after graduation, etc. Our helpers in life are seldom angels. We need their hlp any way, and it's still good that they give it.

 

 

Yes you are right she and her entire family DID help this girl.  

 

Thanks for validating my feelings though by saying you were cringing!  That helps more than you can know.

[gardenmom5]

 Or is her behavior at least a little boundary crossing? 

 

 

B.

 

this younger mom sounds like she lacks the maturity the situation *requires*.

[fraidycat]

Maybe she got tired of explaining the living situation and who "really" belongs to whom every time she wanted to discuss an event they all participated in as a family.

 

Kudos to her for giving that young girl a place to go and still be near her friends

 

I don't see it as any different from a foster situation, just without the government involvement.

Edited April 1, 2016 by fraidycat

[gardenmom5]

  The dad is so  easy going...he goes along with what ever she says.    is he easy going - or a doormat?

 

 

 

Several times when she would refer to the teen girl as her 'daughter' or herself as the girl's 'parent'I would say 'you aren't her mother.  She HAS a mother.' 

 

 

the woman is out of line, and extremely presumptuous.  this is just one area where it shows she is too immature for the responsibility of this position.

[Scarlett]

Maybe she got tired of explaining the living situation and who "really" belongs to whom every time she wanted to discuss an event they all participated in as a family.

 

Kudos to her for giving that young girl a place to go and still be near her friends.

 

 

No she was never saying this stuff to anyone who didn't know the full story.  

[Pink and Green Mom]

I would feel exactly the same way you do.

[Scarlett]

the woman is out of line, and extremely presumptuous.  this is just one area where it shows she is too immature for the responsibility of this position.

 

 

I really wouldn't call him a door mat.  I have seen him quietly let her know he was unhappy about something....but usually he is just 'whatever'.  He is a good guy.  Very hard worker and a good father.  He was a good 'father figure' to this girl...something she needed more IMO than a mother figure. 

[Guest]

Yes you are right she and her entire family DID help this girl.  

 

Thanks for validating my feelings though by saying you were cringing!  That helps more than you can know.

 

Yeah when it's a choice (and of course no 16 year old--even super duper HEALTHY ones-- sees their choices objectively, which is totally fine!) between druggy Mom, abject loneliness living with brother, or structured, family-like, not-lonely-safe situation with slightly insane-ish matriarch, I feel like she (the girl) chose well for what she needed at the time. Even though on the outside it's like ahhhhh staaahhhhhp!

[Scarlett]

Yeah when it's a choice (and of course no 16 year old--even super duper HEALTHY ones-- sees their choices objectively, which is totally fine!) between druggy Mom, abject loneliness living with brother, or structured, family-like, not-lonely-safe situation with slightly insane-ish matriarch, I feel like she (the girl) chose well for what she needed at the time. Even though on the outside it's like ahhhhh staaahhhhhp!

 

 

Yes, I agree.   She is a very good girl and getting out of her mom's house was definitely the right thing to do.  She has two other brothers still in the home, but older than her, who have also gone down that drug path.  

 

Oh, and to add to it I think my son likes this girl.  Not that he would admit of course.  I think that is another reason he doesn't like me saying things about the whole situation.  

[ErinE]

As a teen, I had an adult, my mother's best friend, who referred to my siblings and me as her children. I had a stable, loving home life, but I knew I could rely on her if I needed her assistance. It was comforting to have an adult I could trust, no matter what.

 

Even now, I know people who treat adults they've helped raise like their own adult children. I'm being deliberately vague, but the warmth and care these people show is very much a blessing.

 

I understand that from the outside it seems strange, but to the girl, it may be exactly what she needs to hear: she has a family that loves her.

[Scarlett]

As a teen, I had an adult, my mother's best friend, who referred to my siblings and me as her children. I had a stable, loving home life, but I knew I could rely on her if I needed her assistance. It was comforting to have an adult I could trust, no matter what.

 

Even now, I know people who treat adults they've helped raise like their own adult children. I'm being deliberately vague, but the warmth and care these people show is very much a blessing.

 

I understand that from the outside it seems strange, but to the girl, it may be exactly what she needs to hear: she has a family that loves her.

 

 

It probably was what she needed.  

 

I probably am a little sensitive because I don't want anyone taking over my role as mother.  I don't refer to myself as 'mom' to my stepson even though I do love him.  

 

Another friend's son recently married and her new DIL calls her 'mom'.  Her younger son is furious about it.....and I told them it would make me ill if my son started calling another woman mom.  

 

Oddly enough, I just realized, this boundary stepping mom I was first talking about refers to her inlaws as mom and dad.  And she calls them that.  Hmmm.

[Murphy101]

I don't think you are too sensitive.

 

While the girl might have gone from a bad situation to better, it still feels... Like this younger mom kinda likes taking advantage of young people in vulnerable positions, and that sends red flags to me.

 

And yes, taking over other people's family sends flags.

 

I'd be extremely leery of any of my children having contact with her, especially without me. Especially very impressionable teens who tend to think "really nice" is a synonym for a lot more lax parenting.

 

I'm not sure how I'd handle it but yes, id feel a need to step in somehow.

[Murphy101]

It probably was what she needed.

 

I probably am a little sensitive because I don't want anyone taking over my role as mother. I don't refer to myself as 'mom' to my stepson even though I do love him.

 

Another friend's son recently married and her new DIL calls her 'mom'. Her younger son is furious about it.....and I told them it would make me ill if my son started calling another woman mom.

 

Oddly enough, I just realized, this boundary stepping mom I was first talking about refers to her inlaws as mom and dad. And she calls them that. Hmmm.

Wait now actual family is different.

 

I wouldn't have a problem with a future dil or sil calling me mom or a version of it. Or with my kids doing that with their in laws. If I really felt shunted as the actual parent - THAT would be very upsetting.

[Scarlett]

I don't think you are too sensitive.

 

While the girl might have gone from a bad situation to better, it still feels... Like this younger mom kinda likes taking advantage of young people in vulnerable positions, and that sends red flags to me.

 

And yes, taking over other people's family sends flags.

 

I'd be extremely leery of any of my children having contact with her, especially without me. Especially very impressionable teens who tend to think "really nice" is a synonym for a lot more lax parenting.

 

I'm not sure how I'd handle it but yes, id feel a need to step in somehow.

 

 

She is more lax than me for sure.  She lets her kids play video games waaay too much.  And their diet is just so bad.  And she let her 16 year old stop his difficult homeschool program and start Penn Foster.....just three of the areas that ds feels like makes her so great.  But I feel morally and all that she is a good person.  

 

Ds tells me that she is always asking him if I like her.  She is very insecure about that.  

[Scarlett]

Wait now actual family is different.

 

I wouldn't have a problem with a future dil or sil calling me mom or a version of it. Or with my kids doing that with their in laws. If I really felt shunted as the actual parent - THAT would be very upsetting.

 

 

I know it is common.  But I don't like it.  After 26 years of marriage I didn't call my first MIL anything...but she was a huge jerk to me.  My current MIL is a jewel...she is kind to me, buys me sweet gifts when they travel etc....but I still know I will never call her mom.  

[MomatHWTK]

We had a child come to live with us for a time. I didn't refer to him as my son, but my feeling was that he was "mine" to protect and care for when he was with us. I felt the ferocious momma-bear instincts even when it came to dealing with his bio parent. My concern was for his well-being, not his mom's feelings. I would have had no problem letting him call me "mom" if he had wanted to do so. 

[Seeking Squirrels]

I think maybe some people are just more comfortable using family terms than others. We have several people close to us that we call "aunt so-n-so" even though there's no relation. When I was in high school, I spent so much time at my best friend's house that I sometimes called her mom and she sometimes referred to me as one of her kids. It was light-hearted and of course if it ever came down to the question she would clarify.

 

I'm not saying there's nothing fishy about the situation, but just that I wouldn't judge too much based only on the mom/child references.

[Scarlett]

We had a child come to live with us for a time. I didn't refer to him as my son, but my feeling was that he was "mine" to protect and care for when he was with us. I felt the ferocious momma-bear instincts even when it came to dealing with his bio parent. My concern was for his well-being, not his mom's feelings. I would have had no problem letting him call me "mom" if he had wanted to do so. 

 

Did the bio mom accuse you of trying to steal her son?  Taking over in an out of line way?

 

 

This teen girl doesn't call this woman mom either.  So she seems to understand the boundary.  

 

I like my son having other families as friends.  It is what teens need....it prepares them to navigate the world and it is how they build their own network of friends for their adulthood.  

[Murphy101]

She is more lax than me for sure. She lets her kids play video games waaay too much. And their diet is just so bad. And she let her 16 year old stop his difficult homeschool program and start Penn Foster.....just three of the areas that ds feels like makes her so great. But I feel morally and all that she is a good person.

 

Ds tells me that she is always asking him if I like her. She is very insecure about that.

To me that's a huge red flag. She is purposely even tho maybe unconsciously trying to make your son feel pulled btw you and her. You the bad guy for not liking her. Even if you haven't actually done anything to imply that. I mean your kid is there so obviously you must not detest her entirely.

 

In 21 years of parenting, I've never been concerned or concerned enough to make a child friend of my kids concerned about whether their mom likes me. That's just.. Weird.

 

I don't think she is morally sound.

 

I suspect she's a master of giving that image and making adult people second guess their instinctive caution that teens don't have very well honed yet.

 

Idk. I could be wrong. But I'm getting the icky stomach feeling reading your posts about her.

 

And I was the kid who often lived with a good friend whose mom very kindly and quietly gave me safe harbor. But she wasn't like you describe. At all.

[Scarlett]

I think maybe some people are just more comfortable using family terms than others. We have several people close to us that we call "aunt so-n-so" even though there's no relation. When I was in high school, I spent so much time at my best friend's house that I sometimes called her mom and she sometimes referred to me as one of her kids. It was light-hearted and of course if it ever came down to the question she would clarify.

 

I'm not saying there's nothing fishy about the situation, but just that I wouldn't judge too much based only on the mom/child references.

 

 

Well the thing about calling non relatives aunt or uncle...is we can have an unlimited number of aunts. We really only have one mother.  Same thing with grandma or grandpa.....just the other day a family friend who was crushed by something his own grandson had done was telling me how he thought he had failed as a grandfather...I told him, 'no you haven't.  And there are lots of young kids here who need your grandfather skills.'  He smiled and thanked me and walked past my son and said, 'you are my grandson now.'

 

THAT didn't bother me.  So I don't feel I am super possessive of my son.  

[Scarlett]

To me that's a huge red flag. She is purposely even tho maybe unconsciously trying to make your son feel pulled btw you and her. You the bad guy for not liking her. Even if you haven't actually done anything to imply that. I mean your kid is there so obviously you must not detest her entirely.

 

In 21 years of parenting, I've never been concerned or concerned enough to make a child friend of my kids concerned about whether their mom likes me. That's just.. Weird.

 

I don't think she is morally sound.

 

I suspect she's a master of giving that image and making adult people second guess their instinctive caution that teens don't have very well honed yet.

 

Idk. I could be wrong. But I'm getting the icky stomach feeling reading your posts about her.

 

And I was the kid who often lived with a good friend whose mom very kindly and quietly gave me safe harbor. But she wasn't like you describe. At all.

 

 

Well, I have been thinking lately that she is much more of a manipulator than most people give her c credit for.  She is kind of a scatterbrained  seeming type person...when I told my son I felt she was manipulative and taking over where she shouldn't....he got really mad at me.  And he has been mad at me about it for 2 days.

 

I think my big mistake was discussing it with my son.  

 

And yes, lots of kids in crisis get safe harbor from wonderful friends.  But like you say, it still doesn't mean they start acting like the actual mom.

[Murphy101]

The mom thing by itself doesn't necessarily bother me.

 

It's the whole package that is giving me the icky gut reaction of if that were my son, I'd be looking for ways to limit his time with that family.

 

Some of my older kids spend a lot of time with people outside our house/family. But not with a household like you describe.

[Chris in VA]

I had a relative (on dh's side) who was a rescuer, like your friend seems to be.

This person tried to "rescue" my son, when dh and I were perfectly capable parents (albeit with some disfunction, as most parents of drug abusers experience, since it's a "family disease."). It ticked me off and caused a rift between us. The person offered him a place to live at one point, which totally hurt and would have been a disaster for reasons I won't explain here.

Anyway, perhaps that's how your friend sees herself. I would say people with compassion and  good hearts can sometimes blur boundaries. It sounds like she tries to rescue her family, and just extended it to people outside like the girl.

 

It can also be a control thing. When you see a need and feel you are the only solution, it can be a big ego boost and make a person feel needed.

 

All that to say, yeah, she sounds like her boundaries may need tweaking.

 

Also sounds like maybe you are afraid she may become a family member--like ds' in-law? Even a remote possibility would make everything seem worse, if you are anything like me! :grouphug:  So maybe your feelings about your son and your mothering role are mixing into the feelings/thoughts about her behavior.

 

[Scarlett]

She just doesn't seem to have good sense about some things.  Like thinking it would be a good/ok idea to put this 16 year old girl in with her 12 and 13 year old sons.  When I cautioned her about it she assured me her 13 year old son didn't have  feelings 'like that'.  I told her to keep telling herself that lie and see where it gets her.  That her son is a normal, hormonal boy whether she wanted to admit it or not.  She goes, 'really?'

 

Or the time she went to bed and left her two boys, the teen girl and another teen girl up.  She woke up at 1:00 a.m. and the lights were off and there was lots of whispering.  She went in and discovered they were playing hide and seek.  !!!!!!!  I just looked at her like she was insane.  I said, 'um, first rule with teens in the house...you don't let them play games in the dark!'  She said, 'yes I told dh maybe that wasn't a good idea.'

 

Ugh. AND the second teen girl that was there...also a girl whose FOO was in crisis.  See no one 'not in crisis' would let their kid spend the night there! 

 

 

[Murphy101]

Well, I have been thinking lately that she is much more of a manipulator than most people give her c credit for. She is kind of a scatterbrained seeming type person...when I told my son I felt she was manipulative and taking over where she shouldn't....he got really mad at me. And he has been mad at me about it for 2 days.

 

I think my big mistake was discussing it with my son.

 

And yes, lots of kids in crisis get safe harbor from wonderful friends. But like you say, it still doesn't mean they start acting like the actual mom.

The best/worst manipulators are masters at looking like they are too dumb/innocent/good/meek to ever do so.

 

My mother was a master. And frankly this woman sounds a lot like my mom so maybe that's why I'm freaking out for you. Only my father was never a push over but my mom knew exactly how to twist him to her advantage. Really masterful pieces of work.

 

I wouldn't mention it to your son anymore. Bc it just gives that woman ammo to twist against you.

 

But I would quietly be looking at other things my son could be doing. Like maybe a nice long family summer vacation. A job. College classes. ... I wouldn't make it about not being with them but just taking other opportunities.

[Scarlett]

I had a relative (on dh's side) who was a rescuer, like your friend seems to be.

This person tried to "rescue" my son, when dh and I were perfectly capable parents (albeit with some disfunction, as most parents of drug abusers experience, since it's a "family disease."). It ticked me off and caused a rift between us. The person offered him a place to live at one point, which totally hurt and would have been a disaster for reasons I won't explain here.

Anyway, perhaps that's how your friend sees herself. I would say people with compassion and  good hearts can sometimes blur boundaries. It sounds like she tries to rescue her family, and just extended it to people outside like the girl.

 

It can also be a control thing. When you see a need and feel you are the only solution, it can be a big ego boost and make a person feel needed.

 

All that to say, yeah, she sounds like her boundaries may need tweaking.

 

Also sounds like maybe you are afraid she may become a family member--like ds' in-law? Even a remote possibility would make everything seem worse, if you are anything like me! :grouphug:  So maybe your feelings about your son and your mothering role are mixing into the feelings/thoughts about her behavior.

 

 

Yes. You nailed my feelings about her.  Rescuer and controller.  

 

Ha.  I have considered the teen girl could be my DIL someday but my concern was/is her addict FOO, not this friend of the family.  

 

That is another thing.  She has this idea that this teen girl is an 'old soul' and will marry someone at least 10 years older than her.  And that she is just not like other teen girls.

 

I have news for her.  This teen girl, although very nice and very good....is most definitely like any other teen girl around my teen boy.  I have read the texts between them.  She isn't an old soul.  SHe is a teen girl. 

[Scarlett]

The best/worst manipulators are masters at looking like they are too dumb/innocent/good/meek to ever do so.

 

My mother was a master. And frankly this woman sounds a lot like my mom so maybe that's why I'm freaking out for you. Only my father was never a push over but my mom knew exactly how to twist him to her advantage. Really masterful pieces of work.

 

I wouldn't mention it to your son anymore. Bc it just gives that woman ammo to twist against you.

 

But I would quietly be looking at other things my son could be doing. Like maybe a nice long family summer vacation. A job. College classes. ... I wouldn't make it about not being with them but just taking other opportunities.

 

 

Yes this is my plan.  He is probably going to be dual enrolled this fall (waiting on letter to confirm) and he needs a few hours of work somewhere to pay for his car insurance and gas....so I just need to get him busy with other things.

[Scarlett]

She has a SIL with recently diagnosed but late stage  ALS and the entire family is devastated.  She is (according to her) the main caregiver and there is a schedule of caregivers and food preparers for this SIL with ALS.   I am on the schedule to cook once a week....but it was arranged by an elder in our congregation.

 

Anyway, this crisis will keep her busy for a while.   

[vonfirmath]

It probably was what she needed.  

 

I probably am a little sensitive because I don't want anyone taking over my role as mother.  I don't refer to myself as 'mom' to my stepson even though I do love him.  

 

Another friend's son recently married and her new DIL calls her 'mom'.  Her younger son is furious about it.....and I told them it would make me ill if my son started calling another woman mom.  

 

Oddly enough, I just realized, this boundary stepping mom I was first talking about refers to her inlaws as mom and dad.  And she calls them that.  Hmmm.

 

I call my MIL Mom.  As far as I know, my mom does not mind. My MIL does not think me calling her mom means I don't have a mom.  My parents call my husband and my sister's husband their sons, as well. Without in any way thinking it means they do not have families of their own. 

[Scarlett]

My mom...when she was in her late 20s and early 30s....gave shelter and safe harbor to several different girls....and to a little boy who was 5 when I was 15.  She never referred to herself as mom to any of them.

 

Later, my mom, as an older woman became a mother figure to 2 different young women (both had moms....one was crazy and the other very far away).  A few times I've heard her refer to them as 'her girls'.  I don't like it.  Feels wrong to me.

 

 

[Scarlett]

I call my MIL Mom.  As far as I know, my mom does not mind. My MIL does not think me calling her mom means I don't have a mom.  My parents call my husband and my sister's husband their sons, as well. Without in any way thinking it means they do not have families of their own. 

 

 

I don't like it.  Shrug.  I would be curious what your mom would say if you asked her how she feels about you call another woman mom.  

 

But even so, I think it is not so much the actual term of 'mom' as it is that she seems to be taking over and replacing the actual bio mom even if bio mom is not currently fit.

[Murphy101]

I know it is common. But I don't like it. After 26 years of marriage I didn't call my first MIL anything...but she was a huge jerk to me. My current MIL is a jewel...she is kind to me, buys me sweet gifts when they travel etc....but I still know I will never call her mom.

Yeah well I don't call my mil mom either. Mostly just "ma'am". Well really..

 

Mostly I don't call her at all. All communication is via my husband as conduit bc no matter what I say, you can bet she will say I was disrespectful to her. My dh started to insist on this bc HE eventually noticed that's how she was viewing everything and was tired of soothing her feathers.

 

I think my dh only ever called my mother "ma'am".

[fraidycat]

Well the thing about calling non relatives aunt or uncle...is we can have an unlimited number of aunts. We really only have one mother. Same thing with grandma or grandpa.....just the other day a family friend who was crushed by something his own grandson had done was telling me how he thought he had failed as a grandfather...I told him, 'no you haven't. And there are lots of young kids here who need your grandfather skills.' He smiled and thanked me and walked past my son and said, 'you are my grandson now.'

 

THAT didn't bother me. So I don't feel I am super possessive of my son.

I have lots of "Moms and Dads". My parents have a lot more "kids" than they gave birth to.

 

I have the best biological parents in the world (in my biased opinion), but I call my friends' parents Mom and Dad, and my friends call mine Mom and Dad. We use the terms affectionately and without any confusion about who our real parents or children are or trying to butt in where we don't belong. It's just *bonus* "family" members. Love and affection all around.

[Scarlett]

I have lots of "Moms and Dads". My parents have a lot more "kids" than they gave birth to.

 

I have the best biological parents in the world (in my biased opinion), but I call my friends' parents Mom and Dad, and my friends call mine Mom and Dad. We use the terms affectionately and without any confusion about who our real parents or children are or trying to butt in where we don't belong. It's just *bonus* "family" members. Love and affection all around.

 

I can't think of any of my other friends who call anyone else mom except their actual mom.  But then I don't call my step dad (of 15 years) dad even though he has been a great step dad to me and a great grandfather to my son.  He calls me daughter though.  Every time he does I think how my step sister would feel.

 

 

Do any of those bonus moms refer to her 'parenting' you?

[gaillardia]

I don't think you're jealous. I think you are alarmed. Maybe there is something more wrong with this woman than you can see but you feel it; maybe she is a control freak.

We recently have gone through something that felt like we were essentially being controlled by extended family members, and after observing the relationships these individuals have with their other family members, it was cause for alarm. No one is going to be telling me how to live and what to do.

 

You mentioned your son liking the girl...I will just say that in our experience, if you express any negativity toward his relationship with her, it will draw him closer to her. I would bet that he feels sympathy for her and might feel like he can rescue or save her from her troubled family. (Ask me how I know!!!) I'm not saying she's a bad girl, but it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship foundation to me.

 

I tried calling my mil Mom but she balked and that was the end of that. My dil does call me mom but I think that should be reserved for her mom.

[TeenagerMom]

My DD15's girl friends call me Momma #2.  And they are likewise DD#2-4.

 

Their Moms hear them call me that.  My DD calls most of them Mom also.

 

No biggie in our circle.  The kids all initiated it.

 

I called my BFF's mother, Mom, also.  My Mom knew it. She didn't care.

 

My StepDad is Daddio.

 

 

I think it's a different strokes for different folks type thing but it is by no means, unusual. 

 

As far as the girl goes.....yes, she has a mother, who apparently wasn't mothering her much.  The other lady stepped in and has been a Mom where the girl needs it.  Just like Foster Parents are Foster Moms and Dads...because they are stepping in where needed to parent a child.

[fraidycat]

I can't think of any of my other friends who call anyone else mom except their actual mom. But then I don't call my step dad (of 15 years) dad even though he has been a great step dad to me and a great grandfather to my son. He calls me daughter though. Every time he does I think how my step sister would feel.

 

 

Do any of those bonus moms refer to her 'parenting' you?

In what way? By calling me daughter to other people when talking about an event? I have no idea. By referring to me as kiddo or child when addressing me in greeting the same way they do their own kids - Yes.

 

When my parents refer to "the kids", it includes bio kids, in-laws, and friends.

[MomatHWTK]

My friend called my mom "mom" growing up so it isn't/wasn't a big deal for our social set. I can't even imagine anyone getting bent out of shape over the use of the word. It's not like we didn't know who actually gave birth to someone. 

 

Re: the bio mom of the child I cared for- I can't imagine her accusing me of much since I took in her child, cared for him, fed him, educated him, and saw to his every physical and emotional need. If he sees me as more of mom, that's really not my fault. To steal something the person it is taken from has to have some grounds for claiming possession. A drug addict who cannot care for her child but is wanting to still claim to be a "mom" isn't going to get much sympathy from me.

 

 

Edited April 1, 2016 by MomatHWTK

[Murphy101]

I think people would be having way stronger reactions if you said it was some other dad and your daughter, especially if his kids were all several years younger than your child. (This gal's kids are 12-14, right? Why does she think she knows better about anything, much less about how to help an older teen in crisis?)

 

I bet not a single poster would be okay with this and would be telling you to listen to your gut.

 

I'm telling you listen to your gut anyways.

Edited April 1, 2016 by Murphy101

[gardenmom5]

As a teen, I had an adult, my mother's best friend, who referred to my siblings and me as her children. I had a stable, loving home life, but I knew I could rely on her if I needed her assistance. It was comforting to have an adult I could trust, no matter what.

 

Even now, I know people who treat adults they've helped raise like their own adult children. I'm being deliberately vague, but the warmth and care these people show is very much a blessing.

 

I understand that from the outside it seems strange, but to the girl, it may be exactly what she needs to hear: she has a family that loves her.

 

 

I had people who presumed to call me daughter/sister . . . et. al.  *I* was not comfortable with their presumption, - but was too young to say anything indicating I objected..  . inwardly - I cringed. every. single. time.  it had a long-term negative impact upon the relationship.

 

they never knew it made me uncomfortable. the adult needs to ASK the teen if they're okay with that, and to respect that teens response.

[Scarlett]

In what way? By calling me daughter to other people when talking about an event? I have no idea. By referring to me as kiddo or child when addressing me in greeting the same way they do their own kids - Yes.

 

When my parents refer to "the kids", it includes bio kids, in-laws, and friends.

 

 

No not referring to the girl as kiddo.  Or as the 'kids'.  I do that with my step son when I talk about him and my son together  (my boys or the boys)  I am talking about her saying about this teen girl "well I had to do such and so for her but that is ok because when you are a parent that is what you do."

 

Many many such comments about being the girl's 'mom.  Or parent.  Or her being 'my daughter'.

[Scarlett]

My DD15's girl friends call me Momma #2.  And they are likewise DD#2-4.

 

Their Moms hear them call me that.  My DD calls most of them Mom also.

 

No biggie in our circle.  The kids all initiated it.

 

I called my BFF's mother, Mom, also.  My Mom knew it. She didn't care.

 

My StepDad is Daddio.

 

 

I think it's a different strokes for different folks type thing but it is by no means, unusual. 

 

As far as the girl goes.....yes, she has a mother, who apparently wasn't mothering her much.  The other lady stepped in and has been a Mom where the girl needs it.  Just like Foster Parents are Foster Moms and Dads...because they are stepping in where needed to parent a child.

 

 

I don't think most foster moms who take in 16 year old girls start referring to themselves as the girl's 'mom'.  Really I guess it is not translating.  I have no issue with the family taking her in.  She needed someone.  She even needed mother.  But she didn't need her mom to be replaced.

[Scarlett]

My friend called my mom "mom" growing up so it isn't/wasn't a big deal for our social set. I can't even imagine anyone getting bent out of shape over the use of the word. It's not like we didn't know who actually gave birth to someone. 

 

Re: the bio mom of the child I cared for- I can't imagine her accusing me of much since I took in her child, cared for him, fed him, educated him, and saw to his every physical and emotional need. If he sees me as more of mom, that's really not my fault. To steal something the person it is taken from has to have some grounds for claiming possession. A drug addict who cannot care for her child but is wanting to still claim to be a "mom" isn't going to get much sympathy from me.

 

 

The bio mom doesn't get sympathy from me either.  And yet I can still feel that this other mom was crossing boundaries.

[Murphy101]

This gal doesn't seem all that caring to me. Sure she is letting this teen girl live with her bc the bio mom is supposedly this horrible awful no good drug addict..... That she doesn't seem to care about the girl's two littler brothers staying with this awful drug addict mom. I also find it interesting that it's the second time an older teen girl is who she gives shelter too. are there no boys closer to her own sons ages that need help?

 

If I really felt a mom was that awful, then why not take steps to protect the little brothers, who are more vulnerable, not just the girl?

 

I'd place donut bets Scarlett is going to find out some day in the future that this woman's household is exposed as not being at all as morally upstanding and helpful as the image they give.

 

It screams manipulative set up to me.

[Scarlett]

I think people would be having way stronger reactions if you said it was some other dad and your daughter, especially if his kids were all several years younger than your child. (This gal's kids are 12-14, right? Why does she think she knows better about anything, much less about how to help an older teen in crisis?)

 

I bet not a single poster would be okay with this and would be telling you to listen to your gut.

 

I'm telling you listen to your gut anyways.

 

 

Her boys are 13 and 16 now.  The girl is 18.  

 

Thanks.  Listening to my gut.

 

It seems like people are getting hung up on my dislike of calling more than one person mom.  It is much much more than that.

[Scarlett]

This gal doesn't seem all that caring to me. Sure she is letting this teen girl live with her bc the bio mom is supposedly this horrible awful no good drug addict..... That she doesn't seem to care about the girl's two littler brothers staying with this awful drug addict mom. I also find it interesting that it's the second time an older teen girl is who she gives shelter too. are there no boys closer to her own sons ages that need help?

 

If I really felt a mom was that awful, then why not take steps to protect the little brothers, who are more vulnerable, not just the girl?

 

I'd place donut bets Scarlett is going to find out some day in the future that this woman's household is exposed as not being at all as morally upstanding and helpful as the image they give.

 

It screams manipulative set up to me.

 

 

I really really think there is nothing weird going on.  I mean I know that stuff happens....but I think she just likes to control things.  And rescue things.

 

As far as the brothers of this girl.  They are older than her.  And by the time she came to live with this family they were already out of control.  The oldest one has his act together....sort of.  He married a woman about 25 years older than him.  I know the woman.  She is very nice.  But wow.  I told this mom that I thought it was strange.  That yes I recognize their right to get married...but it screams the young man looking for a mother figure. I said I couldn't imagine being attracted to a 23 year old at my age.  

 

She said she could see it.  I looked dead at her and asked her if I should be concerned about my son being around her.