Can I just use this as a place to just vent?

[jobos12]

This is the ONLY place on the internet where i know no one in real life, so its my safe place to just let it all out.

 

Vent start:

Last year, all 3 of our kids were homeschooled. I was involved with church, filling in for sunday school coordinating while the coordinator had a baby. I play piano and saxophone at church. I helped because I was one of the few (if not the only one) of the team who actually had the time to, and i saw that there was a need I could fill. I could easily juggle what my kids needed, and even when my husband was away for work (he works away for a few weeks at a time), I was happy to help out others because I knew I had the time.

 

We always knew that this year would be different - I have my final year of my teaching degree to finish, which includes a practicum/interniship for 3 months. So, i did things in preparation. I enrolled 2 kids in school. The last kid is on the waiting list for the school, so I switched to straightforward workbooks that require little to no work from me. I handed back the reins to the sunday school coordinator and pulled back on music commitments. Generally did everything but make a public announcement that I just would not be able to help out this year. I did think that I would be able to cover 2 weeks (this week and next) of sunday school - its just preparing some activities for 1/2 hour on a sunday night. I was sure I could do that - because, well, someone else had pulled out so they needed someone to do it.

 

Obviously, i totally underestimated the situation.

 

I am soooo busy. I am doing both the extra events to make sure my yougest-still-homeschooling-extrovert is still socialized (sport and girls youth group) while doing all the outside school events for the older two, who now have to fit in their activities (sports, music and youth group) in the hours after school. I live 20 minutes out of town, so usually that means getting the kids from their schools (they are at different schools), and then staying in town to do activites and then head home later in the evening. Because we are out so much in the afternoons, mornings are spent keeping on top of basic housework (like laundry), cooking a meal so that there is food to eat when we get home, and any extra appointments that need to happen - we've had dr appointments (30 minutes drive) orthodontist appointments (20 minutes drive) at least once or twice a week. On top of that, the stupid dog had knee surgery, so there's been vet visits added to that as well. In between all that I am trying to fit in my own study for teaching as well - its meant to be 24hrs per week spent on the study, but thankfully i'm getting through it in about half that time (for now-its only week 1!!). Husband has just left for a few weeks away at work again as well. My kids are teens and almost-teens, and they are hormonal, busy and tired from long days at school. We are all slowly adjusting, but it hasnt been pretty.

 

So, just today, I decided (prompted by husband, who had his head bitten off when he reminded me of yet another thing i had to do) that enough was enough. I cant change everything thats making me busy, but certain things I can.

And sunday school was one of them-i felt terrible, because I hate being flaky. But it was just taking up brain space i dont have, plus I found out my son has a semi-final game that will finish at about the same time as I need to be at sunday school.

 

So, i emailed the coordinator and the second in charge. I apologised profusely, but just said I could not do it because life was nuts. Then I apologised again.

 

Now, the second in charge has emailed me back, and told me to find someone to replace me. Half of me gets it - she also works and has her own family, and probably doesnt have time to chase down someone to fill a roster because someone else has flaked out.

 

But SERIOUSLY? By the time I organize someone, i may as well have done the stupid prep myself anyway. I've posted on the team's web page asking if anyone is willing, but the way the team is, no one is going to offer to fill in for me, especially as I can't really offer to swap another night with them.

 

I would have thought that the entire 3 years that I have helped out - and never flaked out - would show that really, i would not do this unless I really had to. I dont even really go to this church anyway (we have different services - I go to morning and occasionally to night, which is when sunday school is on). I can list off a bunch of people who do NOTHING on church rosters from that church, and while i am happy to help out, i am pretty grumpy that me asking for a time out requires me to organize it all - I have enough crap to organize in my life.

 

I am over it. I totally get that I am also stressed and tired, and probably over reacting - i know my life overall is good, and I dont have even a tenth of the stress that other people go through everyday. I know that some of you are probably thinking that I should just put on my big girl panties and deal with it. And I will. By the time I wake up tomorrow I will be in a better frame of mind to deal with life, laundry and all that junk. Maybe i'll be surprised that someone will have stepped up an offered to help.

 

I think i'm disappointed in myself because i cant just say what i really think (because it would not be considered very christian....although that would get me off Sunday school!). I know I am pulling out so i can look after me and my family - its the right decision. Why am I so stressed about this? Even thats bugging me!

 

I just wanted a little bit of understanding and support - i dont ask very often, and I'm a bit grumpy that its not given by members of a church.

 

Vent over. Thanks for listening.

[LisaKinVA]

Vent away... it gets very hard, I know.  You have a friend and sympathetic ear in me :D

[bolt.]

I know that feeling. I've felt it and said to met self things like: "I give and give for years. Everybody-and-their-dog gets slack and understanding from me. And THE ONE TIME I need something small and kind. The ONE TIME I drop the ball -- NOTHING??!!??"

 

It's one of the few feelings that can make me cry. I get it. It feels like rejection, and a giant ball of years worth of feeling sort-of-like 'taken advantage of' but not quite that. It was fine then, but is a little reciprocity too much to ask? You can't always stand in the "being supportive" shoes. You expect to be able to switch to the "getting supported" shoes.

Edited March 3, 2016 by bolt.

[bolt.]

You can always reply, "I understand that you want me to find a sub. I wish I could, but I can't. Sorry to let you down. Please don't keep contacting me about this."

 

The idea that you "have to" is not a real thing. It's just something someone said to you because they want/wish it to be that way. Words have power. They can make a request sound like an obligation -- but if you can't, you can't. Just toss the hot potato back at the coordinatior and run.

[Amy in NH]

With a ton of volunteer commitments, teaching the kids, plus my own school load, I completely understand. There are times you just can't add one more thing to your schedule, and you can only do the best you can do. I'd tell them to cancel the Sunday school meeting as you really can't invest the time in finding a replacement since no one is willing to step up.

[plansrme]

Now, the second in charge has emailed me back, and told me to find someone to replace me. 

 

 

 

This is my pet peeve about volunteering at our church.  Our church has paid staff with access to email lists and phone numbers of hundreds of willing volunteers, but their policy is always, "Having a kidney transplant this week?  Good luck, and we'll sure pray for you, but first, be sure to find your own replacement for Sunday school."  It truly is why I don't volunteer to teach any more!  I taught preschoolers every Sunday for two years and needed a sub maybe twice, but I had to beg other parents both times.  I mean BEG.  Most of the parents aren't being freeloaders, but they're doing their own volunteering gigs during that hour.  When I taught adults in ESL for five years, it was even worse, since I couldn't have my students sub for me.  I finally cancelled class once, with three weeks' notice to my students, and was chastised for it by the international ministries office.  Seriously, people?  You ignore me for years at a time; I buy every textbook for this class; I teach for YEARS without asking for anything.  And one week that I have to cancel the class, you scold me?  It was my last year.  It probably would have been anyway because I was tired of missing my kids' Sunday morning sporting events, but that was the final straw.

 

Vent away.  And be strong!

[fairfarmhand]

Totally get it.

 

Vent away.

 

(I know you didn't ask for advice, but it might be time for your kids to start doing their own laundry. For each child, it will take less than an hour for the whole week. Those little things...laundry, dishes, dusting....pile on and make things crazy.)

[alisoncooks]

As someone who has been the Sunday School coordinator/director, I can totally see the other side.  So while you may be miffed at the response, please extend that person a bit of grace (I could go on about how it's a thankless job and how no one wants to help out by subbing and last-minute cancellations are stressful, etc...but I won't. ;))

 

That said, you need to vent...so vent away! :)

Feeling overextended causes stress and isn't healthy.  Your family is your first priority, even if it makes you unpopular with others.

 

ETA: All said as someone who no longer works with the children's program AT ALL...because life became to stressful and I needed a full-on break.

Edited March 3, 2016 by alisoncooks

[JFSinIL]

You can always reply, "I understand that you want me to find a sub. I wish I could, but I can't. Sorry to let you down. Please don't keep contacting me about this."

 

The idea that you "have to" is not a real thing. It's just something someone said to you because they want/wish it to be that way. Words have power. They can make a request sound like an obligation -- but if you can't, you can't. Just toss the hot potato back at the coordinatior and run.

 

And - it is Sunday School.   Not like you are backing out of donating a kidney or anything.  They will find someone else, or kids will just get a couple weeks off Sunday School.  Your plate is too full even w/o Sunday School, so stop wasting anymore time fretting about it.   If you do have any paperwork or plans etc. you can drop off for the next person, great.  I am sure they will figure it out.  Life happens.  Odd are, the possibility of  having SS cancelled once or twice will nudge another parent to step up to the plate and take over.

Edited March 3, 2016 by JFSinIL

[Cinder]

:grouphug:

[Mimm]

I agree that you don't actually HAVE to find a replacement just because someone asked you to find a replacement. Make a cursory effort (which it sounds like you already have) then graciously but firmly tell them you are unable to do any more about it. This seems like something the "second in charge" person could realistically do, that this would fall under her list of duties. If they continue to ask you to do things, just repeatedly say that it's not possible.

[Storygirl]

I understand. I once quit a volunteer job (not at church), because it was a hardship on me and my family. And then got talked back into doing it again, because "we have no one else." It was a 150 hour per year commitment -- sometimes 20 hours or more during certain weeks -- and it took a huge toll.

 

I should have refused to continue, despite all of their pleas. Sometimes you need to put yourself first, even if it means someone else is going to have a problem to solve.

 

I agree with those who say to tell them, "I'd like to help find a replacement, but I just can't do it this time."

[almondbutterandjelly]

Just say "No, I will not be finding a replacement."  I have found that when you apologize and offer up excuses, people don't accept the no as no.  So don't apologize about it.  You're not really sorry anyway, technically.  You're doing what needs to be done to fulfill your first God-given ministry, your family.  And don't give reasons.  I don't understand it, but people think if you list reasons, you are in some way implying that it's not a firm "no."  Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

 

You're doing great, and I applaud you for your years of effort.

 

Also, I personally have found that when I am greatly stressed or troubled by a specific job I am doing at church, that is God's way of telling me to get out of that job.  There is much peace when I stop.  So it's not just you wanting to stop.  It's God wanting you to stop.  You don't have to apologize for that.

 

((hugs))

[Okra]

I do agree with JFSinIL, the kids won't be harmed if there is no one to teach Sunday School.  They can break up and join other classes or stay with their parents.  But, I understand that is really hard to do.

 

IMO you have two options:  Explain that you cannot do it, you are stressed, busy, and don't have time to find a replacement.  Enough of talk.  No more explanations.  That is how it is.  You have helped so much!  You deserve this.

 

You could also suck it up, either find a replacement or do the work.  But, I feel that this option leads to resentment, and it might be best to stop volunteering completely.

 

Either way, it's not good.  But, what I am hearing most in your post is that you are stressed and don't have time for yourself.  Please consider that you are the mom and it is important to take care of yourself too.  

[jrn]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Ellie]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[jobos12]

Thankyou all for your replies -  it made my heart be glad this morning when I woke up! I think I was just looking for some recognition and validation for my pity party. :D

 

I know I have a problem with 'I should...' and 'I have to...'. It's funny how I can recognise it so easily in other people, but still really struggle with managing the thoughts in my own brain. I'd like to learn how I get rid of that, but really - that would be one more thing to add to my to-do list!! LOL.

 

I also knew that when I woke up this morning everything would seem less overwhelming, but I did take a multivitamin last night so it would start to kick in when I got up. This morning I took time out from everyone and everything else and got the house under control first, which helps me feel more on top of things and relaxed in my home. I also handed out 'infraction notices' to my kids for not doing the jobs they are meant to do, and docked their pocket money. Made some hard decisions and will say no to some things that I would have really liked to do next week - I know that if I do them, I will just be stressed all over again.

 

Someone has also come forward to help on Sunday night. I had reconciled myself to 'just doing it' - in the end, I did commit and say I could do it. I'm still disappointed in the situation, but as alisoncooks pointed out, if everyone just dropped the ball, the whole thing would fall apart and the coordinator would be completely nuts. I'm very thankful that someone has stepped forward, and now I can firmly say with no guilt that I just cannot take any more on - to any roster or obligation.

 

Thanks again...it's lovely to have a place that I can just vent it all out and hear both sympathy without judgement and wise words to help me deal.