Article re: dishes, wrong hamburger, emotions

[EmseB]

Yelling only came up because I was talking about MY personal experience as a teen. You told me it was bad. I'm saying it wasn't. We weren't contributing. Only one person was doing all the work. No one told us we were selfish clods. It is a conclusion I drew myself, in retrospect. None of this has anything to do with a marriage. I was relating my personal experience with a "glass nut" in response to another posters assumption that personal experience with such a person would change my opinion.

 

Please stop putting words in my mouth. It's annoying. And I'm not being abusive, nor a martyr for stating that. Even if I were to do it emphatically.

 

ETA: Family harmony is just that. 100% love and acceptance. Support. Good times. We actually LIKE getting together for the holidays and spending time together whenever possible. Very little drama, and only between my sister and I, if any - small potatoes stuff. Real, true harmony with actual respect for each person's feelings and personality "quirks".

 

My overall childhood can still be sunshine and rainbows even if my parent got upset once or twice. Literally. It was a rare event, thus a respectably valid complaint.

 

Okay, you're taking my comments way more personally than I intend.  I didn't realize you weren't relating your comments back to what the thread was about.

 

Yelling once or twice over the course of a childhood, as far as I can see, is not experience with a "glass nut", so I was totally missing what you were trying to say.

[fraidycat]

Okay, you're taking my comments way more personally than I intend. I didn't realize you weren't relating your comments back to what the thread was about.

 

Yelling once or twice over the course of a childhood, as far as I can see, is not experience with a "glass nut", so I was totally missing what you were trying to say.

The comments are directed at me, questioning me about my personal experience. That generally creates a situation where one will take them "personally". Perhaps if you read the whole thread, with quote boxes for context you'll see where the conversation twists and turns.

 

Mostly the glass nut put the dishes in the dishwasher. Asked us to please remember to do it ourselves. Explained that they really disliked a messy kitchen, especially because there's a dishwasher. Needed clean space to cook for us. We ignored, "forgot", got "busy", were "gonna do it later". Hence, the proverbial straw that breaks the back, creating the yelling situation a couple times. They were still a "glass nut".

 

It's almost as if you are deliberately choosing to not believe anything I say about my experience with this person in my life.

 

1) They are a "glass nut". You questioned this.

2) They yelled a couple times. You tell me this is bad.

3) It did not harm me or my siblings. You question this.

4) We have a great relationship. You question this.

5) They are still a well-loved "glass nut", not martyr, who successfully loves others and they know it is love, not abuse.

 

I'm done conversing with you now. Please reread above until it makes sense if you have further questions.

[Guest]

I have lost the thread of conversation here today, but a couple pages ago, I wanted to say:

 

Tsuga, I loved your post. I can always count on Tsuga not to mince words and to understand the full emotional force a situation can have.

[EmseB]

The comments are directed at me, questioning me about my personal experience. That generally creates a situation where one will take them "personally". Perhaps if you read the whole thread, with quote boxes for context you'll see where the conversation twists and turns.

 

Mostly the glass nut put the dishes in the dishwasher. Asked us to please remember to do it ourselves. Explained that they really disliked a messy kitchen, especially because there's a dishwasher. Needed clean space to cook for us. We ignored, "forgot", got "busy", were "gonna do it later". Hence, the proverbial straw that breaks the back, creating the yelling situation a couple times. They were still a "glass nut".

 

It's almost as if you are deliberately choosing to not believe anything I say about my experience with this person in my life.

 

1) They are a "glass nut". You questioned this.

2) They yelled a couple times. You tell me this is bad.

3) It did not harm me or my siblings. You question this.

4) We have a great relationship. You question this.

5) They are still a well-loved "glass nut", not martyr, who successfully loves others and they know it is love, not abuse.

 

I'm done conversing with you now. Please reread above until it makes sense if you have further questions.

Yikes.

 

I simply disagree that yelling, in most any context except securing someone's safety or extreme pain/fear or something like that, is a healthy way of communicating. That's simply my opinion, I granted you have a different experience and opinion, I was in no way intending to be hostile.

 

As far as being done with conversing, I somehow picture your avatar saying "Good day, SIR!" after that last part of your post.

[kwg]

The author wrote a follow up. His comments made me lol- it was like a mini well trained mind thread. 

 

I have found everyone's stories and perspectives interesting and helpful. Thank you!

 

http://mustbethistalltoride.com/

[EmseB]

So sorry to revisit this thread, but I got to thinking last night about where I was coming from.  Please don't quote this next paragraph:

 

 

(removed some personal details)

 

 

I actually spent a lot of time this week realizing that the stuff I get upset about is all "the cup on the counter".  That it is better for me to get over the little stuff I get upset about.  That sometimes he leaves the proverbial cup on the counter, but I do it just as often.  That I would rather go into the above situation not having our last interaction be me being upset about the cup.  I can clean up the cup, or I can leave it, but it really, really doesn't matter when it comes down to it.  It will get clean and I don't care who does it.  To use Carol's phrase up thread, I realized this past week that being pissed off about a "cup" is a privilege of living with someone I love very dearly.  I'm sorry if that strikes some the wrong way, or if it sounds melodramatic, but hopefully it explains some of my comments on the thread.

 

 

And, I'm not talking about working out systems and such that make the house run well, or abusive situations, or any of that.  I'm talking about two people just living together who love each other and have pet peeves or things that get on their nerves and how we treat each other concerning those things.

Edited January 27, 2016 by JodiSue

[Scarlett]

Tsuga said

 

<<<<However, this is where my marriage advice will differ from the (admittedly crappy) marriage advice I got. I was told, "Marriage is work! Marriage is a team!" I will tell my kids, "Marriage should be a joy--you should marry a person whose style of housekeeping, whose main aims in life, whose general interests and standards align with yours. Otherwise you will constantly be having to work at figuring out how to balance the different priorities, and that is work and it's not fun, and it takes a lot of goodwill. And you will never, ever, ever fundamentally change either one of you and you will never, ever, ever, get to completely be yourself. Marry your best friend. Don't think about how much you can put up with. Find someone you really, really like!">>>>

 

QFT. Years ago I found a list of 5 areas of compatibility and I talk to ds15 about it very frankly.

 

Marriage with my first husband was very very stressful. Every. Single. Day. I remember once when we were in the middle of our divorce he told me I was 'crazy'. I looked him dead in the eye and said, "you may not like me but that doesn't make me crazy".

 

And moving forward with Dh in this marriage really is a joy. Sure we have arguments...and he makes me so mad sometimes I want to scream......but his response to me is measured. It is calming. I can have a bad day and snap at him and he doesn't feel compelled to come at me swinging harsh words like a bat.

 

I work hard to do the things Dh likes the way he likes them. And he does the same for me. Sometimes our wants are not reasonable....like his ocdish need for the silverware drawer to be perfect....I don't mean the utensils in the right slot...I mean each spoon and for cradled in the one next to it.

 

And sometimes he huffily begins to rearrange the refrigerator....I tell him, "dear if you want it a certain way that is fine but don't get mad at the rest of the world because it isn't a priority. "

 

And I have to bite my tongue and let him fuss over those things because my first inclination is to say STOP IT!

 

I choose to be grateful that he kisses me ten times a day, tells me how wonderful I am, looks like he is going to pass out when I take my hair out of a pony tail holder, is faithful, hardworking, believes the same way I do religiously, worships with me regularly, washes the tough pots or pan even if he has worked all day.....oh so many things he is awesome in.

I have this one roasting stone pan...I love to cook a roast in it but it is a bear to clean. If I leave it to soak over night he cleans it before he leaves for work the next morning. I appreciate those things.

 

I would hate to think he would consider leaving me because I left a pan to soak over night.

 

Balance people. Balance.

[Word Nerd]

The author wrote a follow up. His comments made me lol- it was like a mini well trained mind thread. 

 

I have found everyone's stories and perspectives interesting and helpful. Thank you!

 

http://mustbethistalltoride.com/

 

Honestly? If he didn't want that kind of feedback, he shouldn't have given the post a click-bait headline.

[Katy]

So sorry to revisit this thread, but I got to thinking last night about where I was coming from.  ...

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Tsuga said

 

<<<<However, this is where my marriage advice will differ from the (admittedly crappy) marriage advice I got. I was told, "Marriage is work! Marriage is a team!" I will tell my kids, "Marriage should be a joy--you should marry a person whose style of housekeeping, whose main aims in life, whose general interests and standards align with yours. Otherwise you will constantly be having to work at figuring out how to balance the different priorities, and that is work and it's not fun, and it takes a lot of goodwill. And you will never, ever, ever fundamentally change either one of you and you will never, ever, ever, get to completely be yourself. Marry your best friend. Don't think about how much you can put up with. Find someone you really, really like!">>>>

 

QFT. Years ago I found a list of 5 areas of compatibility and I talk to ds15 about it very frankly.

 

Marriage with my first husband was very very stressful. Every. Single. Day. I remember once when we were in the middle of our divorce he told me I was 'crazy'. I looked him dead in the eye and said, "you may not like me but that doesn't make me crazy".

 

And moving forward with Dh in this marriage really is a joy. Sure we have arguments...and he makes me so mad sometimes I want to scream......but his response to me is measured. It is calming. I can have a bad day and snap at him and he doesn't feel compelled to come at me swinging harsh words like a bat.

 

I work hard to do the things Dh likes the way he likes them. And he does the same for me. Sometimes our wants are not reasonable....like his ocdish need for the silverware drawer to be perfect....I don't mean the utensils in the right slot...I mean each spoon and for cradled in the one next to it.

 

And sometimes he huffily begins to rearrange the refrigerator....I tell him, "dear if you want it a certain way that is fine but don't get mad at the rest of the world because it isn't a priority. "

 

And I have to bite my tongue and let him fuss over those things because my first inclination is to say STOP IT!

 

I choose to be grateful that he kisses me ten times a day, tells me how wonderful I am, looks like he is going to pass out when I take my hair out of a pony tail holder, is faithful, hardworking, believes the same way I do religiously, worships with me regularly, washes the tough pots or pan even if he has worked all day.....oh so many things he is awesome in.

I have this one roasting stone pan...I love to cook a roast in it but it is a bear to clean. If I leave it to soak over night he cleans it before he leaves for work the next morning. I appreciate those things.

 

I would hate to think he would consider leaving me because I left a pan to soak over night.

 

Balance people. Balance.

 

That is great advice.  My past relationships and current marriage are similar.  In the past everyone I was involved with it was a fight over every little thing.  In this marriage, we hardly ever fight.  We've literally fought twice (both times nearly got divorced because they were deal-breaker situations).  But otherwise we are so much alike we trust each other, respect each other, and generally assume that if the other said something possibly offensive, it must be miscommunication because we know they don't have ill intentions.  Not that I don't get irritated every time I nearly fall in the toilet because he left the seat up again, or he doesn't get irritated because he wants to get out of the house and do something because all he's done is work and home for days when all I want to do is collapse in front of the tv because I feel like I've been running all over all week.

 

“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.†- Tolstoy in Anna Karenina

[heartlikealion]

I came here to get a link to the Jan. 25th update on the blog and see he's added yet another (Jan 27).

 

Not sure if we are allowed to quote from another site so I'll just past the link.

http://mustbethistalltoride.com

Edited January 27, 2016 by heartlikealion

[DesertBlossom]

Am I the only one whose curious what the wife's opinion on all this is?

[Guest]

e....like his ocdish need for the silverware drawer to be perfect....I don't mean the utensils in the right slot...I mean each spoon and for cradled in the one next to it.

 

And sometimes he huffily begins to rearrange the refrigerator....I tell him, "dear if you want it a certain way that is fine but don't get mad at the rest of the world because it isn't a priority. "

 

Wait...Scarlet. Are you saying the spoons are fine when they fall sideways in the spoon holder? And that it is fine when the milk or tea is on the lower shelf, yet the ketchup is on the top shelf where beverages belong? You surely cannot be suggesting that these willy-nilly arrangements are acceptable. Surely not. ;)

 

You probably think it doesn't matter when the Cinnamon is sitting to the left of the Anise and the Garlic Salt is to the left of that...

[Scarlett]

Wait...Scarlet. Are you saying the spoons are fine when they fall sideways in the spoon holder? And that it is fine when the milk or tea is on the lower shelf, yet the ketchup is on the top shelf where beverages belong? You surely cannot be suggesting that these willy-nilly arrangements are acceptable. Surely not. ;)

 

You probably think it doesn't matter when the Cinnamon is sitting to the left of the Anise and the Garlic Salt is to the left of that...

Ha. Yeah. So are you a nut like that?.

 

The trouble with this kind of stuff is that it is totally random. Everyone has things that make them nuts. For instance I have to grit my teeth because he put a pizza in the drawer I have designated for raw meat.