S/O...daughter...food...exercise...diets...eating disorders

[LisaKinVA]

I'm struggling with my 13yo daughter. Let me also state that dd has stopped eating before, at a very young age. She is a competitive swimmer, she is not overweight. She does eat, but seems to be restricting her food intake, and lying to me about what she is eating (I ask if she had breakfast, she says yes, but no dish or yogurt container is around. You ask if she packed her lunch, says yes, but again...her lunch is still in the fridge).

 

She IS still small (5'1"), but she IS still growing. Her arms just grew, and I expect more height will follow. All of this to say, I don't expect her to eat as much as her 16 year old brother, she should be eating more than her 9 year old sister. She is also having trouble sleeping/awake at odd hours, and seemed a bit panicked when I was cleaning her room.

 

This change in eating seems to coincide with the mess with her PE class, focus on calories, girls at the school talking about various diets (cheerleader diet, etc.)

 

I am very concerned. If she weren't lying to me about what she's eating, I'd be a lot less worried. If you have ideas about other warning signs, please tell me what to look for...

[NorthwestMom]

I think you have enough warning signs to call her doctor and ask for help.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Pegasus]

Please pursue this aggressively with medical professionals.  It is definitely not to be taken lightly.

[Jen in NY]

(((Lisa))) & (((Lisa's daughter))),

 

I agree with pposters.

 

In our case we visited the pediatrician and talked it over in front her (a wonderful, wonderful woman). It helped tremendously have the doctor suggest visiting a psychologist - then it wasn't a result of me 'overreacting'. We both went... together and separately. I am sorry you are going through this... it is very scary and you are doing the right thing trying to figure it out now. Feel free to pm me.

 

Hugs to you both...

 

[LisaKinVA]

I got up the nerve to speak to her. She did say that I have reason to be concerned, but didn't offer anything further. I will be making an appointment for us. I also asked her to help create a menu for her, so that she packs enough food when she's gone all day. She does eat more when she is home vs. out. I do want her to follow hunger cues, but I also know she can ignore them completely. I also think I need to have a chat with that PE teacher.

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Guest]

If she was limiting her intake because of how her body was feeling and responding that is one thing. The external trigger, let alone the one you mention, is a much bigger concern. Make an appointment - these things can spiral surprisingly quickly :(

[38carrots]

:grouphug: It is wonderful that she agreed you have grounds to be concerned. You two are on the right track.

[Pawz4me]

Glad you broached the subject and she was willing to admit to there being cause for concern.  Just being willing to admit that is a huge thing. :grouphug:

[kiana]

Appointment with psychologist, yes. Possibly a nutritionist who can explain about needing fuel for your body. Look up female athlete triad.

 

The lying about her intake is a huge red flag.

[retiredHSmom]

You have every reason to be concerned. Your doctor probably knows nothing at all about eating disorders. Look up "Maudsley" or Family Based Therapy. I have been down this road. The only we that we made it out of the dark and scary forest was Maudsley.  Feel free to PM me.

[Pink and Green Mom]

The panic while you were cleaning her room sets off alarm bells for me.

 

I would monitor how often she is in the bathroom.  As a teen, my friends and I discovered you could eat and not gain weight if you took a laxative.  And if you took enough you couldn't eat at all because you'd have to run straight to the bathroom.  I had an aversion to public restrooms so I would hardly eat anything if I wasn't in my own home for fear of laxatives kicking in.  

 

I somehow learned that dry mustard powder and syrup of ipecac could make you vomit.  I took those right out of the kitchen and medicine cabinet.

 

Hugs to you, and to her.  My mom (5' and under 100 lbs) and I (5'4, and 125 lbs as a teen) did great battle over food and weight. The effects were very long lasting.  Years.  Good for you for getting on the right track early.

[maize]

You've picked up the warning signs, time to get professional help.

 

I'd also be watching for other signs of mental health challenges--anxiety, depression, OCD? In my experience these are often co-morbid with eating disorders; treating them can also help with eating issues.

 

She may just be trying to diet/lose weight; pretty normal teen girl behavior but the lying about eating concerns me and could be a sign of or eventually lead to more serious problems.

Edited December 5, 2015 by maize

[poppy]

You're a good mom. 13 seems so young for these problems - but I know it isn't. Hugs.

[LisaKinVA]

If she was limiting her intake because of how her body was feeling and responding that is one thing. The external trigger, let alone the one you mention, is a much bigger concern. Make an appointment - these things can spiral surprisingly quickly :(

  

Glad you broached the subject and she was willing to admit to there being cause for concern.  Just being willing to admit that is a huge thing. :grouphug:

  

Appointment with psychologist, yes. Possibly a nutritionist who can explain about needing fuel for your body. Look up female athlete triad. The lying about her intake is a huge red flag.

 

 

She claims she just gets too busy, and "forgets" to eat/doesn't feel hungry. Which may be partially true. I do know that if one gets into the habit of not eating, it is easy to simply not eat. Body adjusts somewhat. I will look up female athlete triad.

 

You have every reason to be concerned. Your doctor probably knows nothing at all about eating disorders. Look up "Maudsley" or Family Based Therapy. I have been down this road. The only we that we made it out of the dark and scary forest was Maudsley.  Feel free to PM me.

  

 

Thank you. I may do that. I read about the Maudsley method. This is more or less the approach we started today. Asking her to help plan her food, and make a plan. I can't imagine being left out of the equation, but at the same time, she has to take ownership.

 

The panic while you were cleaning her room sets off alarm bells for me. I would monitor how often she is in the bathroom.  As a teen, my friends and I discovered you could eat and not gain weight if you took a laxative.  And if you took enough you couldn't eat at all because you'd have to run straight to the bathroom.  I had an aversion to public restrooms so I would hardly eat anything if I wasn't in my own home for fear of laxatives kicking in. I somehow learned that dry mustard powder and syrup of ipecac could make you vomit.  I took those right out of the kitchen and medicine cabinet.Hugs to you, and to her.  My mom (5' and under 100 lbs) and I (5'4, and 125 lbs as a teen) did great battle over food and weight. The effects were very long lasting.  Years.  Good for you for getting on the right track early.

 

 

I am all too aware of what you're talking about. I haven't tracked bathroom use as much, simply because I hadn't really considered she might be using laxatives to purge. I will pay closer attention.

 

 

You're a good mom. 13 seems so young for these problems - but I know it isn't. Hugs.

Unfortunately, she stopped eating the first time many years ago. We met with a doctor back then, and addressed the issues. It was mostly relegated to the past, but the PE mess at the beginning of the year, overhearing some teen girl talk, put me on guard. So, I have been watching, and a bit more on guard. The bedroom incident had me more worried, because the excuse she used was really lame. I've been struggling with the feelings of not wanting to invade her privacy, and the possible very real need to stop something bad.

 

I don't think this has as much to do with weight loss, as it does some perfectionism (those damned height/weight/BMI charts, wanting her food logs to have that "correct" calories...). There may be more happening, but she's not ready to talk to me about it yet. She internalizes a lot. I need to go hug her some more.

[Plink]

Your first priority needs to be her survival, not her privacy. (Eta - I'm not encouraging callous invasion, but there needs to be diligent supervision in cases like this) You have every reason to be concerned - there are just so many red flags here, not the least of which is her tendency toward perfectionism. She truly needs immediate treatment.

 

Expect to be the bad guy for a little while - when issues like this are revealed there is a lot of shame, anger and blame-shifting. It is so hard to go through, both for the parent and the child, but it is worth it. Know that you are doing the right thing even when she says the opposite or tries to make you feel as if you are overreacting. (((Hugs)))

Edited December 6, 2015 by Plink

[LisaKinVA]

Your first priority needs to be her survival, not her privacy. (Eta - I'm not encouraging callous invasion, but there needs to be diligent supervision in cases like this) You have every reason to be concerned - there are just so many red flags here, not the least of which is her tendency toward perfectionism. She truly needs immediate treatment.

 

Expect to be the bad guy for a little while - when issues like this are revealed there is a lot of shame, anger and blame-shifting. It is so hard to go through, both for the parent and the child, but it is worth it. Know that you are doing the right thing even when she says the opposite or tries to make you feel as if you are overreacting. (((Hugs)))

Of course, you are right. So far, there have been no outbursts, shame, or anger (from either side). I'm guiding her through some information...and will call on Monday to find out what we have available on base. The doctors here are hit and miss. One believes so much in BMI, he has been known to comment to perfectly healthy, athletic girls that they need to watch their weight. I don't have as many options, but want to make sure I get the best one. I have also called in help from a friend who had a similar eating disorder (triad/former ballerina), who knows more about the doctors here, to help me make sure I don't get a bad one.

 

To be clear, she has not been losing lots of weight. She is not dangerously thin, at all. She is most definitely undereating, but not hyper focused on exercise. There are some physical signs that point to a problem. Thankfully, she's not avoiding food altogether. There are definitely enough red flags that warrant counseling. While I would like to believe that she can bounce back with minimal help, she is at a much riskier time. We need more tools in our toolbox. I am also trying not to protect my issues on her (which is tough).

 

I've been hugging on her a lot. Her dad is on travel right now. I just hate this. I'm thankful it's not worse, but I also can't lie to myself about it not being that bad.

[*Lulu*]

(((Lisa)))

 

I just wanted to tell you that you are a great mom.

 

You aren't ignoring the signs, minimizing the issue, or turning it into a federal case. You are being proactive and protective. You are being the kind of mom I wish I had had when my disordered eating began as a teen.

 

Hang in there momma!

[Jen in NY]

I agree with Lulu, 100%. :)

 

Just wanted to throw out there....

 

I think once there are any outward signs that something like this is taking hold it has been percolating and developing for a while. I say this not to scare you but to encourage you to keep on the path you are taking and follow your gut. At the heart of the matter is some quest for control more than anything else... and at this moment it has manifested around eating and food in your dd. Even if she were to suddenly begin eating normally, it would still be beneficial to help her find ways to examine that aspect of herself.

 

You are absolutely doing the right thing, mom.

Hang in there!

 

:grouphug:

 

[LisaKinVA]

(((Lisa)))

I just wanted to tell you that you are a great mom.

You aren't ignoring the signs, minimizing the issue, or turning it into a federal case. You are being proactive and protective. You are being the kind of mom I wish I had had when my disordered eating began as a teen.

Hang in there momma!

  

I am really trying to be what I probably needed more of back then. It is really hard finding a balance. I took her out food shopping with me, but forced myself to talk about everything else in her life EXCEPT this. I can't have every conversation revolve around this, or I run as many risks of her shutting me out. It's hard.

 

 

I agree with Lulu, 100%. :)

 

Just wanted to throw out there....

 

I think once there are any outward signs that something like this is taking hold it has been percolating and developing for a while. I say this not to scare you but to encourage you to keep on the path you are taking and follow your gut. At the heart of the matter is some quest for control more than anything else... and at this moment it has manifested around eating and food in your dd. Even if she were to suddenly begin eating normally, it would still be beneficial to help her find ways to examine that aspect of herself.

 

You are absolutely doing the right thing, mom.

Hang in there!

 

:grouphug:

Yes. I think it's probably quite a bit about control. But, from my own experience, there are elements that are similar to addictive behavior (the idea that one can manage it, not go too far, etc. ) I think THAT is what worries me most. That she will convince herself that she can manage everything, that she can stop at any time, it's all under control. I know all too well that it is so easy to cross the line. And before you know it, you have lost control without even realizing it!

 

Time to make tomorrow's lunches, and tonight's dinner.