AimeeM Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 DS5, almost 6, has always been a VERY sensitive soul. If you so much as gently reprimand him, he asks "Do you still love me?" followed by "Do you forgive me?" I'm talking about for the SLIGHTEST of reprimands like "Nico, I asked you to put away the tablet and play with something else; please do as I said." It makes me feel like the world's crappiest mom! Neither of the other two question our love for them when they're reprimanded, lol. Never. We have ALWAYS made sure they know that no matter what happens we will always love them, and always forgive them, and that so many things do not even require "forgiveness" (which I understand is a pretty abstract concept for young children to understand). Lately I've been trying to make the entire situation "lighter" by kissing him and telling him that "I love you all the same; even if you blew purple raspberries at a pink and green striped unicorn" (or something equally as silly, because besides being a sensitive soul, he is also our ham and jokester), followed by tickling him and helping him to correct/finish whatever it was that needed correcting/finishing and then quickly "moving on." Is there something else I can do? He is VERY serious when he asks these questions and looks VERY concerned. Is this just his personality and something that will be ongoing? Just an age thing, maybe? He's only been doing this for a few months... but it's swiftly breaking my heart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 Aimee your instinct to lighten it up is probably the best one. With my kids, I would have just told them to knock it off because even at six they would have been trying to manipulate the situation and get out of trouble. But it sounds like your little guy needs a different approach and making him smile with you will go a long way towards easing the anxiety. Trust your gut on this one. Humor is a wonderful tool. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted April 26, 2015 Author Share Posted April 26, 2015 If this were my 2 year old I would definitely suspect manipulation, lol. Even at barely verbal, he tries to manipulate situations (good thing he's cute!). Nico, though, is far too literal, far too concrete, to even try to manipulate. Thing is, he isn't generally in trouble when these situations go down! He's usually being reminded of something, or (at worst) being told to simply STOP something (he's big into repeating himself over and over these days - questions, generally; the same one, lol). He doesn't like it when people aren't smiling, so you're probably right. If he thinks I'm upset, he comes up and says "Mommy, where is your smile," then he smiles at me and asks me if I "need a song" (he's our in-home musical; he has a song for everything!). 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peaceful Isle Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 My 4 year old will say things like that as well. He isn't mad or angry, just so so sad. Examples are.... You don't love me anymore, I'm not your special boy now, etc.. I just reassure him that I do love him and he is special. His face lights up right after. I think some kids don't know how to respond to situations. Boys really love their mom, at least mine do, so they are both sensitive to when I am dissapointed in them. It's actually kinda sweet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted April 26, 2015 Author Share Posted April 26, 2015 That's an interesting idea, Danae. You are right - we are very affectionate family, both physically and verbally, so he is definitely used to hearing "I love you" a lot, and I know he wouldn't associate it with correction, so that may be a good approach to take with him. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
displace Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 It sounds like you're doing great. He sounds very astute. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted April 26, 2015 Author Share Posted April 26, 2015 My 4 year old will say things like that as well. He isn't mad or angry, just so so sad. Examples are.... You don't love me anymore, I'm not your special boy now, etc.. I just reassure him that I do love him and he is special. His face lights up right after. I think some kids don't know how to respond to situations. Boys really love their mom, at least mine do, so they are both sensitive to when I am dissapointed in them. It's actually kinda sweet. Yes, boys definitely their moms. DH reassures me of this daily... even when I'm being told by this same 5 year old that I'm not his best friend any more, lol. DH was very, very close to his mother. One thing I'm trying to curb is the volume of my voice with him. I am naturally a very loud person. The first phrase I can remember my father saying to me is "Inside voice, Aimee," lol. I tend to have a loud voice no matter what I'm doing, or saying, or to whom, and I'm afraid that Nico may be sensitive to that, which may lead to him believing I'm angry, even when I'm not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purpleowl Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 Does he tend to like logical explanations? If so, you could go this route: "Well, I love you because you're my son. Are you still my son? Then I must still love you!" followed by hair ruffling and hugs and tickles. Later on, talk about how he's your son and he will ALWAYS be your son - even when he's fifty years old! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 I have a very sensitive soul, too. She doesn't ever say that, but she bursts into tears at the slightest reprimand, too. Unlike the other four, who don't even pay attention. It's tough. I just try to be gentle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Epicurean Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 Nico, though, is far too literal, far too concrete, to even try to manipulate. When someone suggests he's manipulating you, I don't think they mean that he is intentionally planning to do so. He isn't consciously thinking, "Oh, X will get me Y." Nevertheless, he is still manipulating you. I've heard some psychologists call it psychological causality. He says something once, he gets a reaction from you, and the pattern starts to repeat itself over and over. I think there's a tendency for parents to ascribe more agency to kids than they deserve, which is really bad for everyone all around. When a six year old plaintively says, "Do you still love me?" at the slightest provocation, the truth is that the kid is unknowingly exploiting a weakness in ourselves as parents to garner a little extra attention. The kid may act pitiful, but he is not genuinely feeling abandoned and unloved, it's more like a certain line of code has been written into his brain and he is following its script in an automatic sort of way. This sort of behavior is very common for young kids. But as parents, there are certain patterns we want our kids to follow and others that might either be unhealthy or hurtful to others (I'd argue that this is both), so it's our job to help them break the cycle and redirect their energies elsewhere. A good place to start might be to explain to him that it hurts your feelings when he questions your love for him just because you're doing your job as parent. Remind him of some of the ways you express you love for him daily, verbally and through action. Because it isn't kind to say things that hurt other people, and in our house, we don't say unkind things, you'd like him to stop saying that. Then, when he inevitably asks it again, do not respond in the way you have in the past by enthusiastically reassuring him (showering him with attention) but instead, calmly and firmly repeat that saying that is hurtful and he should not say hurtful things. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hannahs4 Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 Sounds like you are an awesome mom! I would just throw out there to watch for it becoming an obsession. One of mine started showing OCD symptoms by what seemed at first like an over active conscience... she is doing really well now. Not to worry you, just something to watch for... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwik Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 Some of us just have trouble separating criticism of the act from criticism of the person. I always felt betrayed. Maybe work on understanding the differences. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Have you tried telling him something along the lines of, "There is nothing you could do that would make me not love you... (run through a list of terrible things he could do, up to and including murdering someone else or murdering you), and say that no matter what you would still love him. You might get angry at him, you might sound short, but no matter how angry you get you will always love him..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 When my kids were very little, they would sometimes say, "I hate you Mom." I always replied with "That's OK, I love you anyway." As they've grown older, I can look back and say that was one of the parenting choices I got right. Now when I'm stressed, they'll say things like, "I know you're stressed and you love us anyway." Sometimes, I'll get the "you don't love me"....but I think I'd get it a lot more if I hadn't done that. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 I do preface with I love you but sometimes. If questioned I also say things like - it's because I love you that I asked you to xyz. I love you so much that sometimes I need to do things that aren't just loving you now but are loving who you are going to be when you are an adult. For example - I love you too much to let you wreck your teeth by drinking juice in the day. I love you too much not to teach you math. This is more for my 8 year old who is able to appreciate long term goals than my 6 year old who is just getting a sense of "this week" and "this month". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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