Helping an introvert develop interpersonal skills--ideas?

[Ali in OR]

So 14 yo dd and I had to meet with someone at the community college to get permission for her to take classes there. Dd is very strong academically and I'm not concerned at all with her ability to handle the health class we have signed her up for. This administrator also agrees that she'll probably be fine but she expressed concern with dd's ability/willingness to engage. Dd's answers to her questions ("what kind of learner are you? how do you manage your time?") were short, not very clearly communicated, not very impressive. I did not want to step into the discussion but found I had to to offer examples of how dd manages her work for instance. The problem is not that she doesn't know how to manage work--she knows how to prioritize and use her time well. The problem is that she does not know how to have a conversation--share her ideas, look at people as they talk to her, etc. This interviewer, a nice helpful person by the way, said that dd seemed disengaged. I know that she wasn't really, but she comes across that way. This is an area where she needs to grow and develop. I'm not trying to change her personality--we're a family of introverts--but she needs to learn how to successfully interact with adults and people who will be judging her abilities in interviews.

 

With that background, what experiences can we seek for her that will help her grow in this area? My ideas so far:

--theater camp this summer. We were looking at this anyway since she enjoyed dancing in a musical and doesn't really have time in her schedule to take the theater class at her high school. It's run by the same people.

--I'm thinking I got a lot better at this by working a summer job, but she's young at 14. Not sure we could find anything like that here (a college town with plenty of students hanging around to work over the summer).

--more dinner table conversation. My dad was great at getting interesting conversations going when I was a kid. We have a bad family habit of allowing reading at the table.

--I wish her school had a speech class. I got a lot out of one when I was a freshman. Even the speech and debate club is split between the two high schools which makes it a logistical nightmare, and this year it conflicted with her ballet class. But I think it would be good for getting her to think about what she wants to say and how to say it.

 

Other ideas? How do you pull an introvert out of her shell?

[kroe1]

My kiddo was very successful with acting classes and theater. She will always be shy, but now no one can tell.

[Minerva]

I am listening in. I have a nine year old who is introverted and awkward with people. I would love to help her develop some interpersonal skills. 

[fairfarmhand]

I am a huge introvert who has made huge strides in this area.

 

I found that some people thought I was snobby because I wasn't outgoing or even much of a chatter. Of course, a wrong assumption on their part, but I was doing nothing to correct it. I started forcing myself to think of myself and my own awkwardness less and the comfort of other people more. I made myself make eye contact. I made myself talk about inane things like weather, where people lived, whether they had kids or were married or not, anything at all just to get started. I read once that those who can draw others out are often thought of as great conversationalists. Everyone likes to talk about themselves, so I just try to point the conversation toward others' interests. It helps because once they start talking I can often find common ground.

 

Will your girl talk on the phone? I think chatting on the phone might help, even if its just to grandma because it will force her to express herself verbally and not rely on body language and expression to talk to the other person.

 

4H public speaking would also be a good place to start.

 

The toast masters website has some great info.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I recommend drama classes as well.  And she's 14.  If she takes that course now, that will be another chance for practice.  I think it can be intimidating for lots of 14 year olds to take a CC course. 

[Jan in SC]

Theatre classes are a great idea. I agree with the pp that wondered if this is more than being introverted. I know a lot of introverted people- people who recharge by being alone- and they care all capable of holding a conversation. I know many quiet teens that are shy, but would be capable of the interaction you mentioned.

 

I don't say that to make you worry, but rather to encourage you to make sure you know the real problem instead of trying to fix the wrong one.

[lllll]

..

[Trilliums]

Will she practice or "role play" with you?

 

Many people practice for interviews.  Coming up with answers to those kinds of questions can be quite difficult!

 

My kids tend to answer questions as succinctly as possible.  It just does not occur to them to add in a lot of extra info.  They are slowly getting better, but it has taken time.  My quiet kids also contribute a lot in the classes they have taken, so I don't think one can really measure how engaged she will be within the class by these kinds of interviews.  

 

I am hoping to see a society shift in our perceptions of introverts!

 

 

[Azalea]

 

 

I am hoping to see a society shift in our perceptions of introverts!

 

Hear, Hear! 

[Ali in OR]

She's been able to handle all of her interactions with teachers and I know she participates and enjoys group activities in her English class. I wish I had been able to anticipate the kinds of questions they would ask--I would definitely have role played them with her. Dd and I had talked about why she wanted to take the class (they never asked that) and I told her that they would want to talk to her, not me. I think they were hard questions for her--she would do much better discussing ideas from class content, reading, etc. rather than analyze how she does what she does. So I don't worry about her participation in the class; I just want to help her get the life experience she needs to handle interviews better in the future. Thanks for the feedback--I think we'll look into the theater camp and we'll practice skills at the dinner table too.

[JumpyTheFrog]

This sounds more like shyness or needing practice than being an introvert. There are shy extroverts and non-shy introverts. I think people often use the word "introvert" when "shy" or "socially awkward" are more accurate.

[KungFuPanda]

The combination of a pretty girl who is introverted and has a ballet posture can lead others to think she's just rude or stuck up. My daughter projected that image at 14. She simply did not need or want tons of interaction and that's not always well-received by other 14-year-old girls. She would have given the most efficient responses possible in the OP's daughter's situation. Four years later, and lots of time in theatre productions and chamber choir, she handles social situations beautifully. She still has to recover from them, but she definitely comes across as poised and intelligent in interview-like scenarios. Some of ot is just growing up, but theatre training definitely gave her something that dance performances did not.

[5of5]

Theater sounds like a good idea.  I've heard of some who had success with Toastmasters:

 

https://www.toastmasters.org/Find-a-Club 

[Ali in OR]

I did just check out Toastmasters--our several local clubs all meet on lunch hours which won't work for a full-time public high school student. But it was a good idea to check--thanks.

[Laurel-in-CA]

4H does this incrementally by having junior & teen leaders make phone calls & announcements in chapter and project meetings. They also offer public speaking that is sort of "real world" oriented - more so than speech and debate usually is. I have one kid who grew so much doing this in 4H and it's become his college major. My others just learned to plan a talk, make a powerpoint or posters, and take a critique as positive....and those were great skills as well. They learned how to take questions and come up with some kind of an answer even if the question was unexpected.

 

Can your dd volunteer somewhere this summer...even a snack shack where she can take money and practice her eye contact? Can she lead small group crafts for younger kids?

 

You can get an old speech text and go over whatever seems to be relevant.

 

You can role-play interviews, but you'll not necessarily know the questions. It might be more effective, though, to talk about what to DO during an interview -- eye contact, how to handle a question you don't know the answer to, introducing yourself, a good handshake, how not to fidget, what your appearance says about you, etc.

 

I remember when my oldest was at the doctor at about age 13 -- she wouldn't look at him or answer above a whisper. He got right down face to face with her and told her, hey, this is your health, it is your job to talk to the person who is trying to help you. That was hard for her, but very effective. Maybe this interview was the same kind of wakeup call for your child.

[8circles]

She may be introverted but that has nothing to do with handling herself in these situations. She needs work on her social skills and interview practice.

 

I would have had a difficult time answering those questions at 14 and I think most of my peers would have as well.

[LaxMom]

I agree with 8circles. I am an extreme introvert, but not shy, and I don't intimidate easily. At 14, though? I would have been very intimidated by someone in that role. I think it's pretty typical for an adolescent meeting with someone they don't know, who will be judging their worthiness.

 

It wasn't until I developed expertise that I could walk into a meeting room cold and feel confident. I don't think most people have that in their early teen years.

[LaxMom]

I agree with 8circles. I am an extreme introvert, but not shy, and I don't intimidate easily. At 14, though? I would have been very intimidated by someone in that role. I think it's pretty typical for an adolescent meeting with someone they don't know, who will be judging their worthiness.

 

It wasn't until I developed expertise that I could walk into a meeting room cold and feel confident. I don't think most people have that in their early teen years.

[Ali in OR]

I do know that being introverted and shy are not the same (though she is both). I was just trying to say something along the lines of "you know those kids who are charming and talk to adults easily? She's not one of them!" But neither were dh and I. We can now handle those things easily from our years of experience in the world--just trying to think of how to get dd more experience to grow in this area. Thanks everybody for your input--I do appreciate it!

[Rosyl]

Practical steps:

 

practice eye contact. 

Rehearse answers to possible questions.  Write the answers down to the possible questions and then figure out how to enhance what she is saying by elaborating.  Be able to answer the who, what, when, where, how, and why.  Don't assume the interviewer knows the answer.  In fact, assume they do not.   Then explain the answer as if the interviewer does not know.  They are trying to learn about you to make a decision.

 

Improv is great, but won't help if the child needs help in elaborating.

 

Also, each time a topic is introduced she needs to give an introduction and conclusion.  Even if it is only one or two sentences, there must be an intro and conclusion.  Tell them what you are going to tell them, tell them and remind them what you said.