shinyhappypeople Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 My 11 yo has a very low self esteem :( This is something I really want to help her with. It is exacerbated by the fact that she is obese. She is LOSING weight, but it's a long, slow process. She blames ALL her social problems and feelings of low self-worth on her weight. I hurt for her so much! She is a magnificent kid - wise beyond her years, a gifted artist, funny, adventurous, and kind. But she sees none of that. She just sees herself as the fat girl who has no friends (and... the "no friends" part isn't true. I think she feels like people put up with her but don't really enjoy her company. NOT true! Anyway...) I have suggested/encouraged/begged her to see a counselor but she is outright refusing. I may force her at some point, but for now I'm setting the option aside. I need some suggestions for resources to help her (and help me help her) with her self-esteem and body image. Books, web sites, videos, podcasts... ANYTHING that's geared to me as the mom or directly to her. I want her to internalize that being overweight doesn't make her less-worthy. She's at risk for some health issues because of her weight (she's pre-diabetic) so yes, it's important to eventually get down to a healthier weight, but it has NOTHING to do with her value as a person. She won't be more valuable when she's thinner than she is right at this very moment. Sometimes I hate our culture and media because it's just another voice lying to her and telling her she's not good enough, that being conventionally beautiful (thin) is more important than being creative, having an adventurous spirit, curiosity, compassion, and every other strength she possesses (I could go on for days about her strengths. She's an awesome person!!) ETA: we are Christian. I'm open to secular resources as long as they're not anti-faith (which means most, if not all, resources should be fine). But, I am also very open and eager to find faith-based resources if they exist. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 If I thought counseling would help I'd take her, whether she liked the idea or not. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 Awww... My heart hurts for her. My dds would welcome her. First, I would severely begin to limit media--TV shows, even commercials made me feel so insecure and magnified my body image issues. Not because "This is making you feel bad." but I would frame it in terms of "We have better things to do with our time." Second, I would encourage her that MANY kids, even the slender ones, feel like they have no friends, feel like they don't fit in, feel like everyone's making fun of them or leaving them out. Encourage her that just because she feels a certain way doesnt' mean that it's true. I have a skinny 13 yo and an average build 17 yo and they have both dealt with these same feelings. Third, perhaps you and she (if you're Christian) could go through some bible studies together... Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity was helpful to me, and her Esther Bible study really tackled my perceptions about beauty and my self-worth. Perhaps she needs to find a peer group that is a bit older than she is or perhaps a bit younger? Both of my girls have done better with girls that were going through different phases from them. Sort of like, they could build one another up because they weren't experiencing the same insecurities. Next, try to find her some well-fitting cute clothes. I know it's hard. But she really needs to feel as cute as possible. Also, allow her to figure out a good haircut and perhaps tinker with makeup. Bigger girls can still look lovely! She also needs a well-fitting bra if needed. Many larger women are shocked at the difference that a good bra will make in their appearance. The stuff about clothes, makeup and such is not about trying to make her feel skinnier...It's to point out to her that she can still be attractive while heavier than a typical teen. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 A couple things I'd add (though the ladies above are genius)... Volunteer work is great. Doing something for others is a great way to not focus on ourselves and it's just awesome. Find a great place and set a goal for 50 hours or something. Goals are great for setting progress. Do something hard - plan for a long bike trip, or a hike, or something. Work toward it. Maybe a hike to a hotel cabin place (you hike in, someone cooks for you, you hike out in the morning). Less stuff to carry. Make it fun. Scouts? AHG? BAND? 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 I love what the above ladies have said. Also, I want to strongly agree with Ravin about counseling. I think SO, SO much of how we feel about ourselves and our bodies imprints on our psyche during the tween/teen years. I think now is the time to really get in there and do some good work while she is still on the younger side. Make an appointment and take her there and present it as a positive way to work through tween feelings. Stay with her if she wants you to, or leave the room if she prefers that. Offer unconditional support and love but also firm resolve that this is the place to learn to cope with sad or negative feelings. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderchica Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 I agree with counseling, as well as new clothes. It seems superficial, but feeling like she looks cute and fits it will take some of the psychological pressure off so you can work on the deeper issues. Try making a Pinterest board for ideas, and look for some fuller figured female celebrities for ideas. There are some nice things out there now for plus sizes! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 Is there a skill she is interested in developing that she could really focus her efforts on? Music, writing, drawing, ice skating, martial arts, crocheting, anything where she could enjoy becoming competent? I think that feeling truly successful at something is really beneficial to any kid. It needs to be something she enjoys and wants to do enough to put hours and hours of work into. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 I ran across this TED talk today and thought of this thread. Perhaps your dd needs to watch it. I love the part where she shows pictures of the "real" Cameron, vs. the modeling photos http://www.ted.com/talks/cameron_russell_looks_aren_t_everything_believe_me_i_m_a_model?language=en#t-272313 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 I would see if she would be interested in marshal arts of some kind. The self esteem that comes from building up your own stamina is so amazing. She sounds like she needs the exorcise anyway, and I bet the moving up with different color belts would really build her up. I saw kids at my ds's karate studio who had all kinds of home situations and problems, but getting those new belts every few months really made them feel great. Also, it might be a good way for her to make friends with a large variety of kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MEmama Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 I'm torn on the counseling if she is reluctant. My mother made me see a therapist when I was young and having nightmares every Sunday night, and it really backfired. When talking wasn't sufficient, the counselor tried to hypnotize me (well...it was the 70's!) and of course that didn't work. I remember just playing along because I was too mortified to tell this adult that she was embarrassing herself and being foolish. The only effect it had on me was that after that I kept my nightmares to myself and closed my mother out (since she obviously couldn't be trusted).That said, you know your daughter best and obviously a better therapist can do wonders. You'll know when/if the time is right. The very fact that you are aware of your daughter's issues and are being proactive sends a hugely powerful message. Having been a kid with dibilitating self esteem issues, knowing that someone--anyone, but most especially my mother--had my back would have been life changing. Kudos to you, mama, and to your daughter for sharing her feelings with you. Sending her much positive energy. (( )) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shinyhappypeople Posted March 15, 2015 Author Share Posted March 15, 2015 Thanks for the ideas and support. I really, really appreciate it :) Today, at rehearsal for a play she's in a girl called her "fatty." I guess this girl has a pattern of being mean to people in the cast so I need to make the director aware of the problem. We had a long talk in the car about how when people say ugly things like that it's usually because they're broken inside and it's a reflection of the mean girls character and not who DD is. I have no idea if any of it sunk in, but maybe? She's in a pretty cheerful mood right now. She's already in martial arts (karate) but has been reluctant to go because she thinks the ghi makes her look fat. (Uh.. the ghis aren't flattering on anybody...). I'm forcing her to continue because she's a natural and it's a good dojo. She's also in dance, which she loves and she's very good at. I *love* the idea of volunteering as a family. I'm going to do some digging and see what opportunities I can find. I'm not going to force counseling at this time. I was forced into counseling at 14 and it was TOTALLY unhelpful. I think for it to work the client has to want it at least on some level. I can see situations where I'd force her to go, but we're not there yet. Oh, and in other news... I was looking for books on amazon and found one on body image for teens that looks good but I'm skipping it because the cover sends the wrong message (a book on body image that features a conventionally beautiful young woman who is thin and wearing stylish clothing. ::sigh::) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Thanks for the ideas and support. I really, really appreciate it :) Today, at rehearsal for a play she's in a girl called her "fatty." I guess this girl has a pattern of being mean to people in the cast so I need to make the director aware of the problem. We had a long talk in the car about how when people say ugly things like that it's usually because they're broken inside and it's a reflection of the mean girls character and not who DD is. I have no idea if any of it sunk in, but maybe? She's in a pretty cheerful mood right now. She's already in martial arts (karate) but has been reluctant to go because she thinks the ghi makes her look fat. (Uh.. the ghis aren't flattering on anybody...). I'm forcing her to continue because she's a natural and it's a good dojo. She's also in dance, which she loves and she's very good at. I *love* the idea of volunteering as a family. I'm going to do some digging and see what opportunities I can find. I'm not going to force counseling at this time. I was forced into counseling at 14 and it was TOTALLY unhelpful. I think for it to work the client has to want it at least on some level. I can see situations where I'd force her to go, but we're not there yet. Oh, and in other news... I was looking for books on amazon and found one on body image for teens that looks good but I'm skipping it because the cover sends the wrong message (a book on body image that features a conventionally beautiful young woman who is thin and wearing stylish clothing. ::sigh: :) What a horrid girl! Please talk to the director because that's not okay. Sigh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shinyhappypeople Posted March 15, 2015 Author Share Posted March 15, 2015 What a horrid girl! Please talk to the director because that's not okay. Sigh. I just sent an email to the director. I asked her to speak to the girl and her mom privately. Maybe that will help things, at least for the duration of the show. We only have a few weeks left of it. I guess other kids have made teasing comments as well, but not directly calling her a mean name. Suddenly DD's mood swings make sense - she loves theater, enjoys rehearsal... and yet sometimes she would come home SO sad and mad. And this, friends, is why she will go to public middle school over my dead body. DD agrees :) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shinyhappypeople Posted March 15, 2015 Author Share Posted March 15, 2015 I've already heard back from the director (that was FAST). I am not at all surprised that her response was total support for DD and she's taking the entire situation seriously. She's just awesome like that, and that's one reason I love sending my kids to classes there. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chelli Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 My oldest daughter gets stopped all the time by people telling her or me how beautiful she is. I've even had people ask if she models (tall, thin, blonde hair, blue-eyed). You know what though? She's teased and picked on by other kids because very quirky and weird (their words). She likes playing with dolls still. She likes and quotes Shakespeare. She wears crazy looking clothes, kind of Bohemian, hippy stuff. She doesn't gossip about boys or know the latest styles. She is just who she is, and she gets teased and picked on by kids at church and some kids in our homeschool group. I share all that to tell you that your daughter might like to know that it's not weight or looks that gets you teased. It's two things: 1) Mean kids that have a herd mentality and 2) Being different in any way than how others think you should be. I know that it's easy to know that in your head, but still not believe it in your heart. I've been there. Probably every woman has been there. I agree that you need to get media out of your house as much as possible. Fill her time with things she's successful at and just keep piling on as many positive comments and messages every day as you can. You might see if there is an older lady who your daughter respects and looks up to that would pay special attention to her and do special things with her once a month or so. Lots of times my kids don't believe all the nice things I tell them because I'm their mom so I have to say those things, but when they hear it from another adult they believe it. If you could find someone like that for your daughter that could be a tremendous encouragement for her. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 I think you've gotten many good suggestions. One thing that might be helpful is to make sure to model being comfortable in your own skin and doing good self care. Maybe start walking together as a habit. Find ways to be active and healthy as a family. I'm so sorry your child was having a rough time at theater rehearsals. We've had really good luck with that kind of thing through theater and performance arts. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.