Weird question for those who have miscarried

[Pamela H in Texas]

Okay, this is going to sound weird.

 

I actually wrote a journal post about this years ago, but after seeing a certain sentence in another post, I'm thinking about it again.

 

When I lost my baby (late m/c), I was devastated though I was only a teenager and shouldn't have been pregnant in the first place. Anyway, for the following years, I felt that baby grow up (she was between my children in age). I "saw" her as a toddler, a preschooler, etc. I could "see" her playing, learning, growing.

 

BTW, let me state here that my religious beliefs hold that the dead are just dead (Ecc 9:5, 10) until resurrection at a later point in time.

 

But I stopped having these thoughts of her at the time she would have been 7. There is science that says something about it taking 7 full years to completely change out cells and such so I thought that might have been part of the answer.

 

Anyway, now she'd be 14, but I can't picture her at 14. I picture her at 7.

 

But my crazy question is if anyone else has had a similar experience.

[NevadaRabbit]

Anyway, now she'd be 14, but I can't picture her at 14. I picture her at 7.

 

But my crazy question is if anyone else has had a similar experience.

 

I have not, Pamela, but don't let that mean anything one way or the other. We lost a baby to miscarriage but because it was pretty early, I don't even know if the baby was a boy or a girl, so we named the baby Morgan in order to have a name rather than "it". I have a tough time imagining Morgan as anything but an infant, to be honest. I do believe that those who have passed before us are aware of being in God's presence, so I trust that Jesus is Morgan's everything - more than we could have given as earthly parents - and I do believe that I will meet him or her when I get there.

[Lolly]

I've had several miscarriages, 4 that were confirmed. We know that the last one was a little girl. I strongly felt that the first one was also. We named her Sarah. She miscarried at the end of the 1st trimester. I "saw" her growing until she was about 3. That is where she has stayed. The rest stayed as infants in my mind. Strangely enough, dh and I tried to adopt a child who I now envision as about 8. The adoption fell through at the last minute.

[clarkacademy]

I can picture my son, he would have just turned twelve. I wonder how life would be with him. I still dream of him after all these years. I imagine him and my older being very colse as they would have all been back to back. I imagined him as a toddler playing alongside the older two and starting school etc etc. All the child hood memories with a child who is only alive in my heart and thoughts. I do know how it feels. I don't know anything about the seven year thing. I live knowing we will meet again but he is never ever far from thoughts. Actually his birthday would have been just a bit over a week ago.

[scrappymom]

Wow, i have never miscarried, but i am a mom...and these posts bring tears to my eyes. I can't imagine what you have gone through! You are strong mama's!! ((HUGS!))

[Kathleen in VA]

My experience is very much like NevadaRabbit's. I have lost three early on to miscarriage and gave them neutral names: Toby, Jody, and and Jessie. I, too, just think of them as infants. I do not think of how they would be now if they had lived - I imagine them safe in the arms of Jesus.

 

I do not think it is odd for you to do so, though. :)

[OnTheBrink]

I've lost two at early stages. One was before my son, and he'd be 22. I picture him looking similar to my son.

 

The second one was also a boy and I envision him at the age he'd be had he lived. There was another woman at church who was pregnant and due close t my due date, so when I see her dd, I'm reminded of the boy I lost and that he'd be her age.

 

The odd thing is, with the first, I was never concerned about this, but with the second, I was SO SURE there was a twin involved and that when I had the d&c, that the twin was aborted. I have absolutely no reason to think there ever was a twin, but I was so sure he was aborted. My doctor, whom I loved, assured me over and over that there was truly only one.

[6packofun]

I named our little one Samuel even though it was not confirmed that it was a boy, but I feel it was. :) I imagine him as a baby or toddler, in heaven, quite often!

 

If the thoughts comfort you, even if there is no "basis" for them, then I say indulge and enjoy the bittersweet peace. It's hard to lose a baby and every mom will have her own reflections, sadness and hopes about that child forever after.

[Just a Jen in Mississippi]

I had a miscarriage 5 years ago in September. I can't believe it's been five years already! I was 18 weeks. Every year around this month, it hits me. I'm surprised that after all this time has passed, coupled with the fact that God has blessed us with our first son that we wouldn't have had if I had not miscarried, it's still so hard come September. My heart has healed but I guess you always have a scar.

 

But to answer your question......I don't "see" her, but I am always aware of how old she would be and I think about who she would be today. I do have a mental image of what I think she would look like. Boy, I get choked up just thinking about it......

[Annie Laurie]

I had a second trimester loss and though I think of my baby often, I don't picture her as anything but a baby. Part of it may be that my second son was conceived soon after I lost her, and wouldn't exist if my pregnancy with her hadn't ended, hard to think about.

 

I don't think your question is weird at all though.

[RegularMom]

I lost twin boys at 22.5 weeks gestation. I don't picture them as anything but babies. But for me, I think that's because I've got their pictures to look at, and their clothing that the nurses dressed them in. And I held them for a while. So, my memory stays with them at that point.

 

I am, however, always acutely aware of boys that are the age mine would have been. That's 10 this year. Boys around the age of 10 fascinate me. I watch them and think to myself: that what they'd be doing now.

 

It's a strange thing, isn't it, how differently we all remember these things?

[Lorna in the boonies]

I've lost 4 babies -- 1 to early miscarriage, two to stillbirth, and one to a birth defect (anencephaly -- she lived for an hour). They would be 14, 13, 12, and nearly-9 today.

 

The only one I can really imagine in my mind is the youngest, who is also the only one who was close to full-term and who was born alive. I know that she was the spitting image of our oldest daughter -- so it is very easy for me to picture her as my oldest daughter looked at any given age. In addition, my 7 year old's very best friend was born 5 days after our daughter died -- in fact, she was born the day of our daughter's funeral (we did not know them at the time). Since this little girl spends so much time over here playing with my daughter, I am constantly reminded of what our little girl would be like if she had survived. I know about where she would be, physically, mentally, emotionally -- because I see it all the time.

 

With the others, not so much. With my miscarriage, of course, we don't know the gender -- but even with the other two girls, I find it difficult to imagine what they would have been like. So I guess the answer is, I imagine three babies and a nearly-9 year old. I do know, though, that if I had had my way, I'd have a house chock full of teens and preteens these days!

[Pamela H in Texas]

Thanks y'all for all the answers. I found them interesting....comforting...I don't know why this came to mind today. Kirsten's bday would have been in February, so that isn't it.

 

Anyway, I was kinda afraid of what kind of responses I'd get, someone thinking something bad about what I was asking. But I'm glad I asked and got some idea that I'm not the only one that thinks of my child all these years later though we may all do it differently.

[Alphabetika]

I have not had a miscarriage, but my mom had 6. Her doctor advised her not to become pregnant again, which is why my brother and I are adopted. One of the babies she lost was late-term enough to have an official name, and when I was younger I used to imagine her as my sister and even talk to her in secret. Sometimes I imagined all 6 of them watching me, which sounds creepy as I type it but wasn't at the time. I'm not sure what emotions led to these imaginings, but as I've grown and had children of my own, I've felt such a sense of grief on my parents' behalf, that they were not able to raise these babies God gave them.

 

I'm so sorry for every loss shared here.

[KIN]

I had an early miscarriage between my second and third children. I have never pictured our baby as anything but a baby, and I have never had a real strong feeling of boy or girl. But, every now and then we talk about the baby that died, the kids ask questions. I think your situation sounds normal, even though mine wasn't the same.

[Tap]

I imagine the girl we lost at 22weeks as an infant still. I have a niece who was born the same month as my baby was due (my sister and I were due 2 weeks apart) so I have a good reminder of her age.

 

 

I went through genetic counseling when we were loosing the baby, and when I was pg with my dd9 and had a great person to talk to about grieving and the changes your body/mind goes through. One thing that I found interesting, not really OT for your post, but I will share anyways, is about the way men and women grieve at different times. I grieved immediately for our baby but it wasn't until about 2 years later that it really seemed to HIT dh.

 

I called our GC to talk to her about the timing of his grief and she shared something with me. There are numerous studies that show that people often will go through a second cycle and grieve the loss of a child at the age they imagine the child to be. That sounds obscure, but if you imagine a child and pick the first age that really comes to mind-- in a good way, the way you would like to imagine a child(not the colic nights), that is the age that most people grieve the strongest for the lost child. Often for women, they imagine an infant, the newness, the innocence, the smell, nursing, baby wearing and the closeness felt between an infant and the mother....this is the most likely time of grief for a mother (not everyone...just most common). Husbands are often hit the hardest at the time when the child would have been a toddler, or young child learning to throw a ball, or casting a fishing line. Parents of course have the immediate grief for loosing the baby, but often will go through a second cycle at that adjusted time in the future. The husband is often hit so hard in the beginning trying to take care of the mother, that they have an incomplete grief cycle, and really get hit hard at that future date.

 

I just always thought this was interesting and have asked several friends about it. They too had experienced similar things with themselves and dhs.

[gardening momma]

I miscarried during my first pregnancy a little over 6 weeks along. I had already had my first OB appt before that. I had to have a D&C at 7 weeks. Of course, I had no idea what the gender was, but I gave the baby a girl's name. When I initially found out I was pregnant, I had told MIL one of the names I liked, and she sneered at the name. So--1. that's what I named the baby, and 2. She was not told any of the names we contemplated for our following pregnancies. She found out after delivery.

 

Oh, and I imagine the baby as a baby still.

[LisaKinVA]

I lost a little boy at 20 weeks (I was 22 weeks when I finally miscarried). He would have been 7 this past July.

 

I "saw" him m in my dreams for several years, at first as a baby in the arms of my grandfather. My grandfather telling me he was beautiful. Later, as a toddler, playing with his cousin Jennifer (who would be 17 this year), then as a young boy -- looking a lot like my oldest.

 

I imagine him playing ball, smiling and laughing -- always surrounded by family members who have gone on before.

 

Okay... crying now...

[Mom to Aly]

I lost a baby, premature labor, lungs not fully developed, and had a miscarriage later on. The miscarriage was much earlier, and I was in grave danger with that pregnancy (it was after my second child, the dd I have with me now), and everyone, including my dr., was telling me not to have it because I was not going to get close to making it long enough myself to have it, but I couldn't make myself even consider an abortion--it was towards the end of the third month, and it never effected me the way I thought one would, I think because of everything else that was happening.

 

My first daughter, though, the one that died after birth--I have been able to picture her basically every day of her life, and do, have never stopped. She would be 18 now, and I honestly don't think a day has gone by that I haven't thought of her, of what she would be like, what she would be doing. I see her with her sister, my dd, I picture her in the future, when she would have been older, I can see her on her wedding day, all dressed in white--everything, I can see everything, just like I could the moment I found out I was pregnant with her.

 

My goddaughter is one year older than her, or than she would have been, almost exactly, which I think is one reason I have always been so close to her (my goddaughter--she is truly like my own child to me, and I am like a mother to her--we are much closer than she and her mother, who is very abusive to her). I don't know if that is part of why this has always been so clear to me, but I don't think so--I met her when she was four, but my daughter has been with me much longer. I dream about her all the time, always have, and she is often with my father, in heaven, which is how I do picture her.

 

So, yes, I do see her, but, for me, it didn't stop at 7. I really hope it doesn't stop, I do love seeing her, no matter how much it hurts. And, in a way, having her sister hurts more than I would have thought, but it helps, too, much more than I would have imagined, and I thank God for her every day :).

[akmommy]

I had an early miscarriage (6-7 weeks) in 1996. I've always thought of that baby as a boy but could never really "see" him. To me it's always felt more like the loss of a dream, a could have been that would never be if that makes sense. We had been trying to concieve for almost 2 years and it was very devastating to us both.

 

We concieved 2nd DD shortly after and it still seems odd to me that if that baby had made it we wouldn't have her and I truly cannot imagine our lives without her.

[swellmomma]

I have had several miscarriages. The first several happened within days of the test showing positive, thoe ones I don't really think of as infants or older, I just think of them as angels. They were all surprises though, so I was still in shock over a pos test when I lost them. My most recent one I think about often, and have a feeling it was a boy, and named him Xavier. He would be 18 months now. Other than thinking about him often I do not picture him growing up. I think though this is because I found out i was pg with my beautiful baby girl 2 days before what should have been Xavier's due date. If I had Xavier my dd would not be laying in my arms right now, so I can not picture him as a toddler kwim. Again he is just a sweet angel in heaven.