plansrme Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Please do not quote so I can delete later. A close relative, an older teen girl, has been cutting herself. Everyone who knows is shocked beyond belief. She found herself a counsellor who told the parents what was going on, so that seems positive, but other than the general info on the Internet, which is pretty alarming, does anyone have any insight that would be helpful for the family? And while we are on the subject, have girls always engaged in self-harm? I had never heard of this until a couple of years ago, but now it seems to be all the rage. Any insight appreciated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I don't have a great deal of insight, but my twin was a cutter and so was my eldest, who still struggles, on occasion with it. I don't know if it's "all the rage". My sister had no access to social media, obviously, there was none back then. We were children of the 70's. Therapy is good. Understanding is good. Not condemning or overreacting is essential. It is a coping mechanism. Obvioulsy not a good one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 It is a coping skill. The key is to seek and sustain professional support that helps the individual learn better coping skills to replace the cutting. Family and friends can help (or hurt) by their level of education on the topic, comments, expectations, attitude regarding mental health and support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 Lizzie--how do you know when your daughter or sister are cutting? This girl's parents only knew when the therapist told them. Feel free to not answer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MBM Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 It is a coping skill. The key is to seek and sustain professional support that helps the individual learn better coping skills to replace the cutting. Family and friends can help (or hurt) by their level of education on the topic, comments, expectations, attitude regarding mental health and support. I agree and will add that some medical personnel, including MDs and nurses, do not understand cutting and can be just as harmful. Make sure your relative has an advocate to protect her from hurtful shame- and guilt-inducing comments should she need to get medical help (usually stitching). Several years ago my youngest son was good friends with a girl who was cutting. She went to an in-treatment facility in Illinois for a period of time and then out-patient therapy, which she's still doing. It's been almost four years and she's much better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Lizzie--how do you know when your daughter or sister are cutting? This girl's parents only knew when the therapist told them. Feel free to not answer. I didn't always, sometimes they would tell me. My twin would keep a mini exacto knife on her keychain when she was really stressed, and that would mean she was either cutting or she was struggling with it. Her choice in clothing was often a tip off, as she used her arms, but dd cuts on her legs so that didn't help with her. Keeping the dialog open helped, sharing that they were struggling, validating their feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OH_Homeschooler Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I don't know the history of cutting, but I know that when I was in high school (about 25 years ago) when I had undiagnosed depression, I engaged in some minor cutting and self-harm (inflicted bruises on myself). At the time I never knew of anyone else doing it and I thought it was a shameful, bizarre behavior, so I don't think it's about being "all the rage." About 10 years out of high school I started hearing about cutting as a phenomenon and I don't think it even dawned on me at the time that I'd done that. As far as what a parent can do, I think the situation you shared is ideal. The child is already in counseling and she will learn the coping tools she needs, as Joanne stated. In general, I think parents just need to "see" when a kid is showing signs of depression or isolation. I don't blame my mom for not seeing that I needed help, and I was pretty defensive about counseling anyway (my dad died when I was 10 and we did family counseling and I just felt so different from my peers due to the combination of these things). But looking back, I also think she HAD to see that I was struggling; I even showed her some of the bruises, and I don't know why she didn't pursue that more. Either she was in denial or was still going through her own stuff, or something, I don't know. But I think it's just hard for a parent to see a kid struggling, and parents need to get over that and confront it. Anti-depressants would have helped me a great deal back then, since as an adult they have helped me quite a bit! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GoVanGogh Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Please don't quote I started cutting as a middle age mom, so don't know how much this relates or is typical. I went through a very traumatic experience and cutting was my way of having some small amount of control of my life. It gave me a "high" where I felt stronger and more alert. It gave me a physical pain to equal my mental pain. I was only slightly aware of cutting prior to my first time. I am currently getting relief through meds, an anti anxiety med in particular seems the best at controlling the anxiety that leads to the thoughts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SeaConquest Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I would look into dialectical behavioral therapy. Cutting often is one symptom of borderline personality disorder. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 the book Freedom from Self Harm is good at describing what self-harm is, and what it is not, but doesn't really give any practical solutions. http://www.amazon.com/Freedom-Self-Harm-Overcoming-Self-Injury-Treatments-ebook/dp/B00541XX6I/ref=pd_sim_kstore_4?ie=UTF8&refRID=15P7TDSHWKABZC50HHBN As others said, cutting is a coping mechanism. It's a symptom of something more serious. Shaming and mistreatment can make the underlying issue worse, and increase the episodes of cutting. Cutting and eating disorders are common among survivors of domestic and s3xual abuse. It can be a symptom of borderline personality disorder, but that diagnosis is BADLY overused for survivors, to further shame them into silence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I would look into dialectical behavioral therapy. Cutting often is one symptom of borderline personality disorder. DBT can be helpful to some survivors and some people with BPD, but done incorrectly it can make survivors more vulnerable to being abused. Like drugs, DBT has it's uses, but it needs to be used with the right people at the right time by properly trained providers. I've seen DBT do more harm than good. It's not a cure-all for cutting or anything else. I'm not anti-DBT. I just think it's overused. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swimmermom3 Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Lizzie--how do you know when your daughter or sister are cutting? This girl's parents only knew when the therapist told them. Feel free to not answer. Not Lizzie, but our dd would frequently choose to take a really long shower and cut in there. I believe her therapist told us as well. Other parents and kids told us. After a while, I learned to watch for stress points and asked her to please tell me if she felt like cutting. She didn't need to talk to me, but just give me the chance to distract her - walks around the block, driving in the car. Odd clothing choices are indicators too: long sleeves on really warm days, or the refusal to wear a bathing suit when they normally would. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swimmermom3 Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 GoVanGogh, :grouphug: Thank you for sharing your experience. Peace to you and may you continue to heal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Kate Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I can't believe I am actually putting this out there...but I guess I did some cutting as a teenager. I have always been more sensitive...and I tend to feel things so deeply. Nothing traumatic happened to me. I guess I just thought life was hard. I cut some on my ankle several times. I bandaged it up, but now looking back at it, I am completely shocked that no one (not even my kind, loving parents) said anything to me. I do remember one friend's mom. Now this was the friend whose parents were very protective. They were very involved in their daughter's life and I actually thought a lot of them, even though I felt that they were very overprotective. One of the times after a cutting incident, I went to this friend's house. I remember her mom looking at my ankle and then looking at me, with this expression that told me how bad of a person I was (my ankle was bandaged). I never went back to that friend's house again, even though we had been friends since elementary school. Now, I may have imagined that my friend's mom was shaming me, because as far as I can remember, I didn't tell that friend about my cutting (I was so embarrassed). But I do know how the whole situation made me feel. I had never even heard of cutting before and I thought I was quite bizarre for doing it. I say this just to add to what everyone else has written. Cutting is a symptom of another problem and the last thing you want to do is to add more shame to that person. I guarantee the shame is already there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swimmermom3 Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Plansrme, it's not only girls that cut. Parents of boys who are struggling with depression should be on the look out as well. It's great that you are seeking more information; you obviously care. Two things that you can do personally are 1) suspend all judgements (trust me, that's way harder than it seems like it should be), 2) and be there for her parents. Cutting can be isolating for not only the person, but their family as well. I'd prefer if I wasn't quoted. What I share here is our experience. If Joanne has a chance and can let me know if I get any of the basic info wrong, I'd be grateful. We have been working through this off and on for 6 years; it's a highly emotional issue and sometimes things are jumbled. I think it's so important to keep in mind what others have posted in that cutting is a coping mechanism. Hold that thought, fix it in your mind. One person may eat chocolate when they are stressed, another has a glass of wine, and still another might go for a really long run. Drop any thoughts of "deviant" or "sinful" behavior. Thinking in terms of "coping" helps at least the support people realize that the person is trying to work through what is happening to them. Reasons for dd cutting varied depending on the nature of her depression. Sometimes it left her flat, barely able to move, unable to express or feel emotions of any kind. Cutting provided pain, adrenaline, feeling. Dd stated that pain was far preferable to nothing. It let her know that she was still among the living. At times her depression had more manic/bipolar elements. When an emotional crisis built to a fever pitch and she wasn't sure how much more she could bear, cutting provided a sense of relief, chemically. Think safety valve, something to release dangerously high pressure. This last part might be a bit harder to understand. When she felt like she would live with depression forever and never be well, cutting and watching the wounds heal provided hope. We were so shocked at first that in hindsight, I know our responses weren't helpful to our dd. One of my initial thoughts was that her battle was now permanently written on her arms, her hips. Anyone could read that story and that even when she healed emotionally, the scars will always be reminders. Someone will always pass an unkind judgment on my lovely, compassionate, smart, brave girl. You just have to leave that stuff behind and focus on keeping your child safe. Keeping your child safe first and foremost involves getting a good counselor who works with young people and understands treating what they are going through. We were beyond lucky in that our dd initially confided in the mother of her best friend, who is a dear friend of mine and a licensed counselor. She was able to recommend a counselor who has been an excellent fit for our dd and us. For many years we kept all razors in the house as well as all medications in a locked safe. Yes, older teens can go and get implements and medications, but that takes time and thought. The idea is to prevent immediate reaction to a crisis point that will pass. Each person's illness takes a different manifestation. Our dd wouldn't touch a knife, but would remove a blade from one of those standard disposable blades. Dear friends' son used knives, no razors. After counseling, probably the next most important thing as a parent or support person is to control your own responses (remember, suspend judgement). You want an open line of communication. Your child needs to trust that they can tell you that they have cut and that you will dress the wounds and offer support. If you add to the negative feelings the child is already feeling, you won't know when your child is cutting. There are dozens of ways to hide it and they get very good at it. Those wounds can be superficial to life-threatening. You want to be able to assess them and your child's emotional state. The goal is for your child to feel secure enough to come to you before they cut and you can help distract them or take stronger measures to keep them safe. Go cry in your closed after it's all over if you need to, but don't let them see you distressed. If anyone is wondering, my dd approved my sharing her story. She is a strong advocate of talking about mental illness and working towards healing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Lisa, (and dd) Thank you. That was brave and lovely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyontheFarm Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 My dear daughter also cut. She was been getting counseling through multiple counselors over the past 6 years. This is her blog: www.defyingshadows.wordpress.com She said I could share it with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dory Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I haven't read all the responses and please don't quote this. I have struggled with cutting for years. Shaming over it when it has been discovered only makes things worse. It's a coping skill. It's what I would reach for when things were spiraling out of control internally. It was steadying. I have had people push me to promise not to cut, which I really can't do as it tends to be a reactive type behaviour. I would fail to keep my promise and then feel even worse. The only thing that has helped, has been a counselor who has helped set up other, healthier coping skills to replace the cutting and to help me better deal with my problems. I have also learned how to set things up to ensure that I don't over do it. Hospitals have always, in my experience, been the worst place to end up as a cutter. Every nurse I met was more then willing to chew me out and make me feel like dirt over a habit that I couldn't break. Having people that I can go to ahead of time is hugely helpful. Sometimes just feeling emotionally supported and heard eases things. It's difficult finding people who are willing to listen without over reacting. Usually, most people are not willing to hear those sorts of emotions and thoughts. If your relatives family can do that for the girl as she continues with counseling, that would be amazing. Finding a counselor that is a good fit is like finding gold, but having a good support system outside of the counselors office, is much, much, much more amazing. Not everyone gets that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Keeping an open (absolutely non-condemning) line of communication is what I do. I have not had the experience with my own kids, but there are some at school who choose to confide. I need to make sure guidance knows (they usually do) and then I let the kids know they can share anything and everything with me if they choose to. Most often they just want to talk about life in general - little bits here and there. I make sure I always say something to them when I see them (not about cutting - just about general life). It's a good relationship. And yes, when they are feeling bad or uncertain I will offer suggestions of things they can do to help things (sometimes sending them to guidance for more help is the answer, and if so, I follow through in one way or another to ensure they get there and the current issue is understood). I do this for any kid actually. Pretty much all have the same feelings at some point or another. It's just how they cope that differs. I've yet to have a single one who didn't appreciate that someone would listen and cared. Definitely let her parents know they can confide in you if they choose to. Many feel they can't talk about it with anyone. Everyone needs someone they can talk to IMO. Then I let the counselors do their thing, of course. I don't try to replace them. I just try to be there on the outside. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swimmermom3 Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 About cutting being "all the rage," I think obviously there is more coverage of it in the media. Some good, some really not good. Joanne would be better able to address if knowing someone who cuts encourages someone else to cut. There have already been posts that show that others have cut without ever knowing that anyone else did the same thing. Once we knew our dd cut, we suddenly seemed to know of more people who did the same, but that was true of her depression in general. Dd's counselor provided dd with guidelines regarding discussing suicide or cutting with other who had similar challenges. One such guideline is that you never discuss methodology. That's a big "no" because it can be a trigger. One of the more difficult aspects is that your child probably already feels "different" and they will be drawn to others with similar challenges, because at least there, there is a greater level of understanding and acceptance (not the act, but the person). This and the fact that others may shun them if they know of the situation, can make it difficult to maintain a healthy peer environment that encourages healing. Plansrme, you may want to add a trigger warning to your title. This allows those who want to share their experiences to do so without needing to read through the other posts, which may not be a healthy thing for them. They usually already know about the trigger, but for those readers who don't, it helps explain why a post may seem out of context with other posts. ETA: I should clarify that with regards to discussing methods of cutting, in counseling that is discouraged with regards to one person cutting talking about how they do it to another person who is cutting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 Thank you to everyone who has responded. This has been incredibly helpful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kari C in SC Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 My dd struggled with this after the death of her brother. Honestly, I didn't know until she told me before a gymnastics competition. She always wore a lot of bracelets and I just didn't put it together. She had to remove them to compete. We got her in counseling and that helped some, but her counselor advised us that she really would benefit from antidepressants. We resisted for awhile, but in the end decided to go that direction. It stopped the cutting, but as with anything, it is not perfect. She is doing much better now though. It is just a long journey and we just take it one day at a time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 I'm not an expert and I have no personal experience in my family. I have had experience with children of friends, and let me tell you a couple of things: 1. You are not alone. 2. This happens in the best of families. 3. Your daughter can get help. 4. You can get help to know what to do, even if your dd will not get help. I'm so sorry for this pain in your life and in your dd's. God be with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 I want to share, but it's best done by pm as I'm not putting family info out there as much anymore. (((((OP))))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WagsWife Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 Please Don't QuoteI have not read all the replies, but wanted to tell you what our DD's counselor told us. She sees teens almost exclusively, and most of the the teens she sees, cut in some way. She said it is almost epidemic, and is one of those things that freaks parents out, but counselors see so much, that it does not worry them *as much* as other things. That is not to say that cutting is not a serious issue...jut that depending on the case there may be other things that they work on first. She said that the main reason why it is so prevalent is media attention and social media. Before, people were doing it, but kept it a secret from everyone. Now, FOR SOME teens it is a bit of an "in thing" for teens with angst. We have seen this with our own daughter. She was following hundreds of accounts on Instagram that were all people talking about their cutting/depression. When we found out about it, we found a cognitive therapist (at the recommendation of a WTM boardie)...and she has been amazing. She has been able to give our DD some coping skills, and has been working with her on how to change her thoughts from being negative to being more positive. For our part, we blocked unsupervised access to all social media...that has been HUGE! She would spend hours on her phone looking at Instagram,. and most of what she was looking at was negative/depression/cutting related. It is something that you have to be diligent about though, because they are really good at hiding things. Even now, we are very careful about what she has access to online and on social media. We learned from experience that just because she ACTS like she is better...that does not make it so. I think we have a handle on it now, but we still do not let our guard down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OH_Homeschooler Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 I just came across this article, just thought it would be interesting to share. http://www.cracked.com/article_21836_5-truths-about-hurting-yourself-a-cutters-perspective.html Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swimmermom3 Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 Tammie, thanks for reminding me about the counselor perspective on cutting. Dd's counselor had a similar one. It's lower on the list of things to work on if the child has say a plan for suicide versus thoughts of suicide. I would have to admit that at first, i wasn't particularly reasonable when the counselor said, "Yes, this is upsetting, but it's not the focus." It sure as heck was my focus. :blushing: That idea doesn't minimize the seriousness of cutting. Because of the endorphins, the goal was always to stop the next episode of cutting, not to stop it altogether. I don't know if that makes sense. Telling dd she could never cut again wasn't effective because of course, it ratcheted up her anxiety level. We just focused on "the next time" and trying to avoid it. This process also allows the person to have time to develop other ways of coping. I don't know if this helps anyone's perspective, but while we knew that the longer dd cut, the harder it would be to stop, we also knew that cutting was preferable to losing her forever. Working through mental health issues with a child can create profound shifts in parenting perspectives and that's not always a bad thing. Tammie - sending :grouphug: your way and healing thoughts for your dd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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