Help, why must ds9 cry during school?

[mom2tbcnm]

OK, I am just about to send this kid off on the next schoolbus I see. (I don't think it matters which school it's going to at this point:banghead:) Any time he is wrong, he cries. Math problems need to be redone, he cries. Editted his paragraph for IEW, he cries. Spelling practice done wrong (usually doesn't read directions very carefully), he cries. At first I thought maybe it was the curric, no each year he does the same thing. Too, hard for him, no because he is not wrong very often. Just doesn't like Mom, does it when I explain the answer or not. He just hates to be corrected.

How do I fix this. I am going a little nutty:willy_nilly: I already have a 3 yo who feels the need to cry over everything, I would rather my 9yo not act like her.

Any suggestions, Please

Katty

[ashmac]

What is your reaction when he cries? Be honest. PM me if you'd like.

[JudyJudyJudy]

He sounds like a perfectionist. That's a hard place to be. I was always that way, and so is my son.

[nmoira]

 

He sounds like a perfectionist. That's a hard place to be. I was always that way, and so is my son.

The book Mindset by Carol Dweck has been a lifesaver in our with my perfectionist older girl. I've also frequently heard recommendations for Raising Resilient Children.

[ashmac]

My son is like this too, but instead of crying he used to pitch a big fat fit. I thought about the Pearls and what they might say, and I examined what my son was getting out of pitching a big fat fit. I was giving him attention. It wasn't good attention, but it was attention.

 

So I told my perfectionist that what I wanted was for him to mess up perfectly. I showed him what messing up perfectly was. We acted it out both ways and had fun. We did this for a few days. Then I rewarded him for messing up perfectly. Don't worry, he didn't try to mess up on purpose. He has enough of that perfectionist drive to still want to be perfect, but he messes up much better now. Sometimes we need to do a little review or repeat our mantra: "A mistake is a learning opportunity." I also bought the book Mistakes That Worked to prove that I wasn't just humoring him. He's a cynic, so he liked that. Then we made chocolate chip cookies and bought Ivory soap--things like that, things that are wonderful but that are the result of someone making a mistake. That helped. He's doesn't always mess up perfectly, but he's much better now.

[titianmom]

Just a thought. Maybe pointing out error and saying the "wrong!" word isn't the best approach?

 

Try emphasizing the number of correct with a lot of praise and saying, "Let's shoot for 100% next time!" with a smile will help a bit.

 

I try to let mine know that school is like a contest with yourself. You're trying to be the best YOU can be in ea subj and that error isn't the end of the world, but a chance to improve yourself.

 

Another way to look at it:

 

In a way, it's good to know where your weaknesses are so that you can work on that area. Help him to understand that none of us are perfect and that he's prefectly normal for missing a few every now and then. Grades, etc are a gauge to help us know where to concentrate the next time.

 

A real revelation came to me about Godly conviction. We should embrace it, not try to run from it. Conviction is the best thing we could possibly experience along with His love. It shows that He cares too much to leave us the way we are. :)

 

And errors in math, for ex, can be viewed the same way if we can get past the bruised pride.

 

Kim

[riada]

He sounds like a perfectionist. That's a hard place to be. I was always that way, and so is my son.

 

 

:iagree: Both me and my husband have these tendencies and two of our children are this way. My dd9 cries daily as well. She cries when something isn't just perfect. It is something we work on daily. Reminding her that it doesn't need to be perfect, just her best effort. I am interested in reading the books that were recommended because things can always be improved.

[Lori D.]

Just a thought... We try to minimize the "wrong answer" aspect by lightly circling or putting a little arrow in the margin beside the problem that needs to be corrected. That way I don't have to say anything and be the "bad guy" saying "that's wrong", and the child has the opportunity to correct the answer before I put a final grade on the paper -- it helps the child work towards proofreading or double checking before handing something for a final grade.

 

I wish I'd known about those books the other ladies recommeded when my older son was young! Fortunately, he's outgrown a lot of those perfectionist tendancies. Best of luck, Warmly, Lori D.

[Camy-7 boybarians 1 lady]

and most people may not deal with the issue the way I do.

 

I have schooled 4 of my 6 boys so far, and they all do what your son does. It occurred to me that this could be a way for them to usurp control of the situation through emotional manipulation. Perhaps that's way over the top, but it is what I believe.

 

After coming to this realization, I decided to start disciplining for the crying and whining that occurs when the boys are being corrected. I do not accept any unreasonable response to the constructive correction that I do.

 

After a few days, their undesirable responses to correction stopped completely.

 

Blessings,

 

Camy

[In The Great White North]

Maybe you could circumvent his perfectionist tendencies. They seem to only manifest with written work - could you do more orally, like spelling and math? Then you could focus on it as a discipline area in only IEW, instead of everything.

[Carrie12345]

I have a 10 year old perfectionist.

We minimize the word "wrong", and focus on the remedy.

 

Like, if the answer to a math problem was wrong, I would tell him he did a good job, but he needs to carry the 2. Or, if he uses a word incorrectly, I tell him he needs to double check the definition or part of speech.

 

For little problems, that works out well for us. If he has a whole paper done incorrectly, it's going to be a big battle, so I try to make sure he *completely* understands the assignment before he starts.

[melissel]

Wow, great thread. I have one of these too, and the tendency is definitely ramping up. Thanks for all the advice and book recommendations; I'll put them on hold at the library right now!

[Julieofsardis]

I realized last year that every time he'd begin to cry that I would begin to shout. This was not a good scenerio. So this year, if he needs to cry -- I send him out of the room until he gains his composure. We've only had to do that twice, and we've had several good days with no crying so far. I did talk to him about not expecting him to do everything right the first time, but not when he's in cry mode.

 

My ds is 9 next month.

 

Julie

[Hoggirl]

the school year (especially the fall) after my ds turned 9 was the. worst. school. year. ever. I mean, it was horrible. We had lots of crying and also anger issues. On one occasion, I had to call the principal (dad) to come home from work! The spring was much better, and last year, when my ds was ten was the BEST school year ever. I wouldn't feed into it too much, and would let him cry it out if he needs to. But, out of my presence. My ds is a perfectionist as well, and he hates to be "wrong." One thing I have started doing, at leaston the writing assignments is writing positive comments in green ink and "constructive criticism" comments in red ink. I realized that when I would give my son his paper back, it would be covered in red! But many of the things I wrote were actually positive!

 

Also, I think the "sandwich" technique is good. Positive comment - criticism - another positive comment.

 

At that point in time I also quit going over work with ds...especially math. He is really strong in math and also HATES to make errors. So, I would just mark the paper and return it WITHOUT comment.

 

Last, does he know how to type? This was a life saver for us with writing assignments. No boy wants to recopy by hand an entire paper to make corrections. However, if the child has typed the paper, editing and corrections are much easier.

 

Hope some of this is helpful.

 

Hang in there, sister!

[Holly IN]

Going through the same thing with my ds 10. If he doesn't get 100% he cries. (He loves math so really wants to get 100% every time).

 

He hates English but wants to have perfect writing so it takes him a long time to get his paper done. If he has more than 4 sentences to write he cries. He says he gets tired and his paper gets sloppy. I tell him to take a break and go back to it later but he said no.

 

Anyway I am glad I am not alone in this. So thank you for this thread. I found some great advice.

 

Thank you !!

 

Holly

[mom2tbcnm]

Ohhh Thank you for telling me it's normal! I am pretty sure it's not just my reactions, because he cries at SpongeBob, too, when he is alone in the basement playing the typing game.

Thanks for all the great advice. I am thinking that maybe we just need to take a week to re-group about corrections and set some new expectations for him and me.

I am just so glad to hear it's not just my kid. Thanks again,

Katty

[Peela]

My ds12 is the same.

I like what ashmac said about messing up perfectly. We have done some of that.My son cant handle too much praise, but he does like to feel success so i try and make sure to notice when he succeeds. But I have also many times resorted to Camy's solution as well- treat it as a discipline issue, because I think it can be. My son is as likely to pitch a raging fit as to burst into tears, or both. My mantra is, 'you cant think clearly with your emotions'. Once he gets emotional, he gets demanding of me to try and make it my fault, and it's a downward spiral, so i withdraw and don't help him and sometimes send him to his room till he has calmed down. Its hard. He genuinely wants to do well, and genuinely finds a lot of his work quite difficult, and I really feel for him- but getting emotional doesn't help, and often it is to try and get me to back off on the amount of work.

 

My son is 12- and he is still like it, but it IS a lot better than it was when he was 9.

[JudyJudyJudy]

I have a 10 year old perfectionist.

We minimize the word "wrong", and focus on the remedy.

 

Like, if the answer to a math problem was wrong, I would tell him he did a good job, but he needs to carry the 2. Or, if he uses a word incorrectly, I tell him he needs to double check the definition or part of speech.

 

For little problems, that works out well for us. If he has a whole paper done incorrectly, it's going to be a big battle, so I try to make sure he *completely* understands the assignment before he starts.

This sounds similar to what I've done. Instead of checking ds's work and simply saying, "You need to correct such and such," I have found that if I say something like, "Overall, you did a great job. You only have two that you need to correct," he acts much better. I know that sounds like a subtle difference, but it can sometimes make a huge difference for ds (9yo).

[frogpond1]

just keep going and try to diffuse things as much as possible. Age 9 and then age 12-13 are pretty tough growing years in my experience. Try not to get emotional because 9 year olds are quite emotional. Back up and start a little slower perhaps. I think the best thing is to know it is common to have a rough spot at age 9 even with the easiest of kids. I have 4 kids and only one hasn't hit 9 yet. I've seen this with my boys and my girl. Maybe not every week at age 9, but enough to believe what other people confirmed- it is a tough age.

[crazymom4]

I think we have done similar things to what has been said...but one thing was just talking to my dd 8....I explained that she is going to make mistakes from time to time...that was okay and we needed to work together to get them corrected...what would work for her or why was she having such a hard time with this....the first thing I remember her saying was "mommy, please don't make "X's" on my papers. Could you just tell me which one's to look at again?" Okay this was a simple fix and one I hadn't even considered...the mark of an X or anything else was debilitating to her...if I just say "hey that looks great...I would check number 3 and 10" or something like that...she will go right back to it and get it right. So she actually had some ideas (when she was relaxed and we weren't doing school then) that were really helpful....huh...who knew?? LOL

 

The second thing another person said I think too....we no longer allow crying or fit throwing in the school room/table whatever...if that's what you need to do, you will need to leave the room and reenter when you are back undercontrol. This means you have just lost some of your free time later...but you will be finishing your work. And I won't "beg" you to get under control...I simply say...you need to leave now and come back when you are ready to finish...I realized she was able to engage me in a battle of wills and words which was rewarding for her for some reason.

 

Leaving the area along with talking to her a bit has "almost" wiped it away...not perfectly but totally manageable now....bc I had the public school website saved as a favorites and the forms partially filled out last year!!! NO KIDDING!!!!

 

HTH

 

Goodluck!

 

Joy

[Titus.Two.Five]

Let him correct his own work with the answer key. Set up a 'correction' station equipped with key and red pen. (no pencils) have him check his own work, correct his mistakes back at his regular working area, and then have him recheck. If he wants to get ticked off and pitch a fit, he can do it towards himself that way. :D

 

My 2 perfectionist children LOVE this sytem (actually even my non perfectionsist, free spirited children do too!).

[titianmom]

Always a possibility...

 

Sometimes you just have to let them know what is and isn't acceptable behavior, no?

 

:)

 

Kim

 

and most people may not deal with the issue the way I do.

 

I have schooled 4 of my 6 boys so far, and they all do what your son does. It occurred to me that this could be a way for them to usurp control of the situation through emotional manipulation. Perhaps that's way over the top, but it is what I believe.

 

After coming to this realization, I decided to start disciplining for the crying and whining that occurs when the boys are being corrected. I do not accept any unreasonable response to the constructive correction that I do.

 

After a few days, their undesirable responses to correction stopped completely.

 

Blessings,

 

Camy

[Lizzie in Ma]

My oldest was like that and it was brutal trying to learn how to work things through. For instance, the Draw Write Now books were her Waterloo because her drawings were not EXACTLY like the examples.

She still, at 12, will not do her math in the notebook until she has it right on scrap paper but at least she doesn't pitch fits anymore.

The suggestions of the hive are excellent, wish I had asked years ago for help but I was ashamed to admit how badly our days went back then.

Hang in there, it isn't a bad quality to have, it just needs perspective.

:grouphug:

[rhrice3]

I had one who did not cry, but boy, if I had to correct him about something, he lost it alittle. I mean, he did not like red marks at all on a paper. I started correcting anything with a blue or black pen. I, also, would have so say things like "let's look at this one together". This age was very sensitive. I don't know what it is, but my last one, almost 9 yr old, is alittle the same way. I really think that the problem lies within that perfectionist personality.

 

Often times these kids are really smart and they start realizing things about the world before their lil "kid" brains can handle it. My son, also, lost it one day when he discovered a map in an Usborne history book mislabeled. His father and I had to explain to him that errors happen because we are all human. He just felt it was wrong to print a book incorrectly. I have had to watch myself with him over the years, because he tends to expect the same from others as he does from himself so he becomes a little critical and judgmental of others. I confess, it is an ugly trait he gets from me.

 

Maybe, you could talk to him about how we all make mistakes and learn from them and include adult examples, as well. Just my 2 cents. Good luck

ReneeR

[Missouri Mama]

Outside of school time, I would work on issues such as loving counsel & receiving correction as wonderful attributes in God. I would show him biblical examples & other historical examples of the outcomes of avoiding each. I would begin the school day with an encouraging talk about not aiming for perfection but learning & talk about your expectation that he will make mistakes during the learning process. Tell him that's why erasers were made. I had a dd that broke down whenever she encountered something she didn't already know (Go figure!), so we had a daily pep talk. During school, I would precede correction with positive affirmation of his work. So often, I put more emphasis on what's wrong instead of what's right. I definitely wouldn't use a red pencil with a kid like this. Try using post it stickers to flag errors or circling or starring in regular pencil. You may even want to sit with your son for a while & have him read directions aloud to you or you read them to him prior to him beginning independent work to avoid some of the mistakes. You may want to have him give you the correct answers orally & you fix the problems for him. My goal would not be to let him off the hook in terms of learning or character issues but to recover a positive atmosphere for learning.

[A.J. at J.A.]

My son is as likely to pitch a raging fit as to burst into tears, or both. My mantra is, 'you cant think clearly with your emotions'.

 

I explain it like when you clench your fist you decrease blood flow and you can't grasp anything. I tell him when you get all worked up about something you are closing down your brain and you can't think clearly. That seemed to be a good visual to him. When I explained it, I had him clench his fist and then I tried to hand him something. Of course, he had to open his fist first...same way as relaxing your brain so you can learn something new or solve a problem.

 

My 9yo is very similar to this. We're working through it.

 

Blessings,

Angela

[Scarlett]

After coming to this realization, I decided to start disciplining for the crying and whining that occurs when the boys are being corrected. I do not accept any unreasonable response to the constructive correction that I do.

 

Such as???? As a mom to a perfectionist I'd like to know EXACTLY what to do when he acts this way? My natural response is a similar sort of meltdown and then I'm thinking, 'hmmm....I wonder why this child is so emotional and dramatic?' :glare:

[Scarlett]

One thing I say to my perfectionist ds8 is, 'if you already knew all the answers there would be no need for me to be schooling you.' That gives him pause. Sometimes.

[nmoira]

One thing I say to my perfectionist ds8 is, 'if you already knew all the answers there would be no need for me to be schooling you.' That gives him pause. Sometimes.

We celebrate the finding of errors. "It's easy to make errors, but the real challenge is finding them after the fact."

 

This turns the idea of failure on its head a bit.