Dmmetler Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 You may remember that the little queen bee from dance had her birthday party the same day as my DD's and lorded it over DD for weeks before hand, and that DD was finally "invited" a day or two before? Well, LQB is moving, and she's having a big party before she leaves. Like last time, there have been comments on FB about it for weeks. I got tagged on FB inviting DD, apparently, last night. We COULD go, schedule-wise. DD would probably enjoy seeing her dance friends, and with her conference next week, she's stressed. But at the same time, the whole game just makes me sick. I have little doubt that if DD had taken dance this summer it would have played out the same way, with her feeling hurt and left out for weeks before. And my only reaction to the kid moving is "thank God, she's gone". Am I so wrong to just not tell DD the party is happening, not go, and figure that in a few weeks when dance starts it will be a non-issue? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 I would let her go if she wants to. I would have been incredibly hurt if my mother hadn't even told me about a party that all my friends went to and I had been invited to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 How old is she? Is she still at the age where you just tell her what she will be doing socially, and everybody is 'a friend' (like 3 to 6 or so)? Or old enough that she is becoming the primary driver of her social life? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 Agree with DawnM, if she wants to go, let her go. The girl is leaving. It isn't like you are perpetuating a really bad friendship at this point. You are providing dd an opportunity to hang out with friends. If you don't let her go, or tell her about it, she will probably find out anyway and be hurt you didn't let her go. I know this is hard. BTDT. I still am dealing with the consequences of a destructive relationship DD and I were involved in with another mom and daughter and all the games that were played. Hugs. It isn't easy seeing your child get hurt. Hang in there. As you said, thank goodness she is leaving. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted July 25, 2014 Author Share Posted July 25, 2014 She's 9-old enough that the social relationship drama is heating up, young enough that she's not making her own arrangements yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 I would probably let her go, or she will feel sad thinking she wasn't invited no matter what you say. Also, the way this sort of thing works is that one person is left out and never belongs. If you dd stays home that is one more social function she misses and she will be more left out. I attended a party where dd probably wasn't welcome but all the other girls from SS were going and I didn't want her to be the only one who didn't go. As in your case the girl and her mother who were causing the problems moved and so it was a good thing that I went and helped dd cement the growing friendships she had. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 I would tell her about the invitation and let her choose whether to attend or not. I do not consider withholding the information from her to be the right thing to do, even if your motivation is to protect her feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted July 25, 2014 Author Share Posted July 25, 2014 I'll ask her. She's so stressed right now. If it were any of her actual friends, I'd welcome this. She needs the break and the stress relief. I'm thinking that I may call one of the moms and see if her daughter is going-like DD, she tends to be on the outside of the group, and if they both go and can hang out together, I think they'll have more fun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Florida Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 I'm glad you've decided to tell her and let her make the choice. Keep in mind that your daughter will very likely hear about the party from the other girls after the fact, even if you don't tell her now. And she might well be sad or angry that she missed it or that she wasn't at least given the choice. I hope it all works out for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted July 25, 2014 Author Share Posted July 25, 2014 I'm guessing it's the mom more than the daughter. Birthday invites were maileds-so that's on mom. I assume this also was a mailed invite for those they actually want there. The daughter isn't the nicest, either, and is perfectly capable of excluding others and being snarky, but mom is definitely the kind who plays social games. Heaven help the kid who beats her daughter out for a featured position in dance. In DD's case, I think it started when DD made the newspaper after winning a spelling bee. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 I would tell dd about the invitation but make other plans so that dd wasn't available to go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 I probably wouldn't mention it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 I'm guessing it's the mom more than the daughter. Birthday invites were maileds-so that's on mom. I assume this also was a mailed invite for those they actually want there. The daughter isn't the nicest, either, and is perfectly capable of excluding others and being snarky, but mom is definitely the kind who plays social games. Heaven help the kid who beats her daughter out for a featured position in dance. In DD's case, I think it started when DD made the newspaper after winning a spelling bee. That's just awful. Things I think I would be asking myself: 1. If I don't tell my daughter will she find out about the party and feel terrible she didn't get to go? 2. If she goes, will she get to hang out with friends and enjoy herself? 3. Since this girl is moving away, does it really matter now about past insults if going to the party means she can bond with the kids that are still living in the area and have shared memories to talk about later on, long after the other girl is gone? 4. Not to be petty, but it also might be nice to show up to say, not verbally but by your daughter's very presence at the party, that "Hey, you may be petty and small but my daughter is every bit as deserving of coming to this party as anyone else." 5. If she does go, is there the strong possibility that you and she will be treated badly and regret going? Those are things I would be weighing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted July 25, 2014 Author Share Posted July 25, 2014 I think I'm going to talk to the other mom I mentioned above, who's DD also tends to be excluded and treated badly, and see what they want to do. If they're together, it will be easier for both of them. I admit, I'd just as soon take DD and her friend to the movies or something. If DD goes to the party, I'm not leaving. I simply don't trust the mom who's hosting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 I'd let her go, for closure, and also so that she can have fun with the other kids that are going to be living close by for the foreseeable future. I'm so glad that you are not going to have to deal with this ongoing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 If it is convenient and she wants to go, let her go. It is her decision. Resist the temptation to experience the drama. Thank goodness this family will soon be out of your life. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted July 25, 2014 Author Share Posted July 25, 2014 DD's response is "She doesn't like me-why would I want to go?" Good question! And a relieved mama. I think it helps that she's going to a LOTR-themed party tonight that one of the older geeky kids in our HS group is having for her birthday, and she feels wanted there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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