Slache Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2014/02/why-do-teenagers-rebel/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 :hurray: That mostly agrees with our family experience. None of my kids is the perfectly quiet submissive child, much like the author. We highly value each child's unique talents and gifts. The introvert is no more favored than the extravert. The athlete is just as cherished as the dancer and the baker. They have no NEED to rebel! No curfew- time to come home is based on a combination of the activity/distance from home, crowd/companions, and driver availability/maturity. WIld hair colors and 'extreme' make-up are allowed, with the agreement that it be OK with employers and easily toned down for major events, like a close family wedding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted July 16, 2014 Author Share Posted July 16, 2014 :hurray: That mostly agrees with our family experience. None of my kids is the perfectly quiet submissive child, much like the author. We highly value each child's unique talents and gifts. The introvert is no more favored than the extravert. The athlete is just as cherished as the dancer and the baker. They have no NEED to rebel! No curfew- time to come home is based on a combination of the activity/distance from home, crowd/companions, and driver availability/maturity. WIld hair colors and 'extreme' make-up are allowed, with the agreement that it be OK with employers and easily toned down for major events, like a close family wedding. You sound exactly like the kind of parent I want to be, and people are constantly telling me that I'm wrong, kids don't behave, I'll learn, or I'll change my mind. No! I've seen it. I know parents who respect their children. I know it works. Not to mention, most of the people who tell me that my parenting methods are flawed have no business giving parenting advice. Thank you for your reply. It made my day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ohdanigirl Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 I think family honor was a big one for me. My father always instilled the independent American spirit in me, but my mother, aunts, and maternal Grandmother always reminded me that my behavior reflected on the whole family. It wasn't expressly said, but it was always understood. When I hit the teen years, I always had my family in the back of my mind. I always considered what my parents would think about how I was behaving or the decision I made. I'd say 4/5 of the things mentioned were part of my life. I still rebelled..... That is, I was argumentative, but never partied or went crazy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted July 16, 2014 Author Share Posted July 16, 2014 Gah! Must go clean kitchen, mess is mounting. This board is so addictive. I'm supposed to be working out. I look kinda good chunky though. Don't ya think? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MercyA Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Excellent article. :thumbup1: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 I agree 100% Mine did, but I've seen teens who don't and I get no comfort whatsoever from people telling me all of them do. Even if they're right, I have a six year old and I need to believe it is possible to parent him in a respectful enough manner that he will not feel the need to. I wish that conservative Christian parents would understand that those of us who reassure them about teens who drop out of college and deconvert from their faith to follow Phish and grow MJ in Colorado could use the same sort of support and insider info as we give them when our kids join the military and we have to get used to saying "proud parent of a Law Enforcement Officer" instead of "eff the pigs". Parenting is MUCH bigger than politics or religion and we're all in this together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VaKim Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 She sounds like my youngest. My oldest was always perfectly agreeable, from the day she was born. Youngest was the opposite. However, neither of them rebelled. And I was a pretty strict parent, comparatively speaking. We have just always had very close relationships, lots of talking about everything, with tons of laughing and silliness thrown in for good measure. My two would be content to live with me forever. I am afraid I am going to have to be the mama birdie who pushes the babies out of the nest. But I don't want to…. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenade Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 Some kids find (invent?) things to rebel about regardless of rules or parenting or home environment. Really, some just DO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joules Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 I enjoyed this article when it came out: http://drrobertepstein.com/pdf/Epstein-THE_MYTH_OF_THE_TEEN_BRAIN-Scientific_American_Mind-4-07.pdf As I am getting into the late teens with ds, I'd say treating kids with respect throughout their lives really pays off. They do reciprocate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joules Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 . I am afraid I am going to have to be the mama birdie who pushes the babies out of the nest. But I don't want to….I'm not pushing mine out...he's the best roommate I've ever had. He even cleans :-) But seriously, we are more family oriented than typical Americans. We lived with my in-laws for a few years after we married and when my parents got older we moved them in with us. Multi-generational household just don't seem aberrant or unhealthy to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted July 17, 2014 Author Share Posted July 17, 2014 Multi-generational household just don't seem aberrant or unhealthy to me. They are extremely unhealthy for the wrong family. Our first year of marriage we lived with my in-laws because they couldn't afford their mortgage and we were able to help by paying them rent instead of getting an apartment. My mother in law and I used to have massive arguments on at least a weekly basis. The thing that upset me the most was "He was my son before he was your husband so I get to make the decisions". She said we had to raise the kids Catholic, vaccinate, couldn't homeschool, I had to work to give her more money because "we owed her for putting up with us". Our relationship will never heal from that experience. We live across the country, she never sees the kids and we won't take her in if she needs care because she will destroy our family. But I know many people aren't like that and a multi-generational household works great for them. I wish it had for us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 You guys have heard the stories about my dd. She's a knucklehead who pushes back against all kinds of stuff. She can be irritable and difficult. However, despite all of that, I don't think I would classify her as rebellious. Because she is actually a good kid who deep down wants to do the right thing. She wants to follow Christ and do right and her interactions outside of the house reflect that. So yeah, she may throw a fit about emptying the dishwasher, but really, I am relieved that she's doing as well as she is. Even though she rolls her eyes and argues every now and then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 I liked that article too. And, so far so good here. One of my kids is extremely strong-willed and does push back but she does it respectfully and we can usually come to an agreement pretty quickly. I've come to trust her in a lot of ways too, because of that. I love having teens! They are challenging for sure, but also a lot of fun to have around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 I do appreciate those who point out that it's possible to raise kids who don't rebel. And I appreciate even more the acknowledgement that it is not inevitable that kids rebel (I find it thoroughly insulting to young people that there are all these assumptions about them, basically reducing them to animals that can't control their urges). I do NOT believe that rebellion is necessarily the result of parenting style (though in some cases this may contribute). But I also know that Adam and Eve had the perfect parent and still they CHOSE rebellion. As parents we must do our best, but also realize that our children have free will of their own and may CHOOSE, despite the very best of parenting, bad things. And we must not take the responsibility of their choices onto ourselves (which also demeans them by implying that they are nothing more than reactions to us and have no positive drives of their own). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 As parents we must do our best, but also realize that our children have free will of their own and may CHOOSE, despite the very best of parenting, bad things. And we must not take the responsibility of their choices onto ourselves (which also demeans them by implying that they are nothing more than reactions to us and have no positive drives of their own). One thousand ITA's to this. My own difficult child has brought this home to me. It's not all about me. Some kids are just hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JumpyTheFrog Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 I enjoyed this article when it came out: http://drrobertepstein.com/pdf/Epstein-THE_MYTH_OF_THE_TEEN_BRAIN-Scientific_American_Mind-4-07.pdf Whenever I see claims that teens and people in their early 20s do dumb stuff and "can't" act like responsible adults because their brains aren't mature, I wonder if maybe people have the cause and effect backwards. Maybe lack of responsibility is why their brains seem so immature. This article looks like it supports this view. I think I will start another thread about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JumpyTheFrog Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 If you want to join the discussion about the Scientific American Mind article, go here: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 I'm not pushing mine out...he's the best roommate I've ever had. He even cleans :-) My 22 year old moved home due to irresponsible roommate issues last Christmas and it was only supposed to be for a few months. He's still here because I want him to be. We have our share of rough patches and I took him out of my sig awhile back, but I should probably put him back in again. He's my Alex P. Keaton. He ran away from home to live with his father because he wanted to go to public school when he was fifteen. It does get better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VaKim Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 I'm not pushing mine out...he's the best roommate I've ever had. He even cleans :-) But seriously, we are more family oriented than typical Americans. We lived with my in-laws for a few years after we married and when my parents got older we moved them in with us. Multi-generational household just don't seem aberrant or unhealthy to me. Thanks for this. When I think of how things worked in the past, especially during the depression era, I can see how it totally makes sense to live together and share the burdens. But it seems like everybody is constantly asking when oldest dd is getting a job, or her license, or whatever. I guess it isn't any more annoying than when they were little and everybody kept warning me to "just wait until they are teenagers." :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joules Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 Multi-generational household just don't seem aberrant or unhealthy to me. They are extremely unhealthy for the wrong family. Our first year of marriage we lived with my in-laws because they couldn't afford their mortgage and we were able to help by paying them rent instead of getting an apartment. My mother in law and I used to have massive arguments on at least a weekly basis. The thing that upset me the most was "He was my son before he was your husband so I get to make the decisions". She said we had to raise the kids Catholic, vaccinate, couldn't homeschool, I had to work to give her more money because "we owed her for putting up with us". Our relationship will never heal from that experience. We live across the country, she never sees the kids and we won't take her in if she needs care because she will destroy our family. But I know many people aren't like that and a multi-generational household works great for them. I wish it had for us. I definitely should have said "inherently" aberrant or unhealthy. So many people seem to think it's just wrong that ds might want to continue living here in college. Toxic situations stink whether they are blood-related or not Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 I definitely should have said "inherently" aberrant or unhealthy. So many people seem to think it's just wrong that ds might want to continue living here in college. Toxic situations stink whether they are blood-related or not Absolutely. I do not regret pushing my now-25 year old out of the nest when it became toxic to me and my now-6 year old. It's going to take a bit longer before I can be all "Susie Sunshine" and "hang in there, it gets better." about that kid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 Rebel Yell, on 16 Jul 2014 - 5:19 PM, said: :hurray: That mostly agrees with our family experience. None of my kids is the perfectly quiet submissive child, much like the author. We highly value each child's unique talents and gifts. The introvert is no more favored than the extravert. The athlete is just as cherished as the dancer and the baker. They have no NEED to rebel! No curfew- time to come home is based on a combination of the activity/distance from home, crowd/companions, and driver availability/maturity. WIld hair colors and 'extreme' make-up are allowed, with the agreement that it be OK with employers and easily toned down for major events, like a close family wedding. You sound exactly like the kind of parent I want to be, and people are constantly telling me that I'm wrong, kids don't behave, I'll learn, or I'll change my mind. No! I've seen it. I know parents who respect their children. I know it works. Not to mention, most of the people who tell me that my parenting methods are flawed have no business giving parenting advice. Thank you for your reply. It made my day. Awwww, thanks! I take my parenting advice from people whose children I actually LIKE. People with older teens and adult children living decent lives, still in contact with their family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 Thanks for this. When I think of how things worked in the past, especially during the depression era, I can see how it totally makes sense to live together and share the burdens. But it seems like everybody is constantly asking when oldest dd is getting a job, or her license, or whatever. I guess it isn't any more annoying than when they were little and everybody kept warning me to "just wait until they are teenagers." :glare: I think this is a reaction to the "failure to launch" syndrome, with perfectly capable adults living in their parent's basement playing video games. I think it has caused a lot of generalized anxiety about kids getting out and getting started. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
albeto. Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 Articles like this are hard on parents who did "everything right" and yet still manage to love, nurture and care for a growing Prodigal Son. I think what goes unsaid is the personal temperament of the child. Most of my children would have thrived in any family dynamic. One would have made most parents run for the hills. I'm glad it gives you comfort, Slache, and I'm glad others can read this and feel validation. I mean this sincerely. My heart goes out to those parents whose children simply will not conform to any parenting "style." I want to my voice to be heard whispering, "It's not your fault. It's nobody's fault. It is what it is, you do what you can, what you must. When your child acts out in public, I recognize when it's not a reflection on you, your convictions, your behavior, your child. Sometimes the storms are simply out of our control, but you're not alone here." That's all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Articles like this are hard on parents who did "everything right" and yet still manage to love, nurture and care for a growing Prodigal Son. I think what goes unsaid is the personal temperament of the child. Most of my children would have thrived in any family dynamic. One would have made most parents run for the hills. I'm glad it gives you comfort, Slache, and I'm glad others can read this and feel validation. I mean this sincerely. My heart goes out to those parents whose children simply will not conform to any parenting "style." I want to my voice to be heard whispering, "It's not your fault. It's nobody's fault. It is what it is, you do what you can, what you must. When your child acts out in public, I recognize when it's not a reflection on you, your convictions, your behavior, your child. Sometimes the storms are simply out of our control, but you're not alone here." That's all. I want to unlike this so I can like it again. Thank you. I didn't mean to lie about dd2 in my last post, I just temporarily forgot that most of you would consider majoring in Journalism and renting an apartment with a bunch of roommates a huge improvement over majoring in Philosophy and living in an abandoned building. If you knew what I'd been through with my twentysomethings, I'm sure you'd understand. A lot of things are different for ds2 and the reason he got stuck with such an old mom is because I wasn't going to bring him into this world until I could be sure they would be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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