SemiSweet Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 I'm really struggling with a friendship right now. I like to consider myself pretty open minded and easy going although I'm very passionate about some things. I have a friend who is about the polar opposite of me in every way one can be. She is also very passionate. We are on opposite sides of the political spectrum as well as the religious one. For the most part this hasn't been a huge issue, we've had a couple debates/discussions, etc. but nothing life altering. I quit Facebook about a week ago because the political posts (hers and others) were starting to have a weird affect on me, like anxiety and anger. The thing is, she is super supportive of ideas I find abhorrent, she is anti-gay rights (I come from a gay family), she has made two racist comments in my presence now (my family is multi-ethnic). Today, like a huge idiot, I looked at her Facebook feed and it alludes to me "being so mad I left Facebook" and something about "public school's anti-Christian, pro-Muslim, liberal leftist garbage". I feel done, but I hate confrontation and I'm wondering if ending the friendship is the right thing to do. I'm really hurting and feeling uncomfortable and in an unfamiliar situation. I'm a bit of an introvert and don't usually have or need a lot of friends, I never have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 I think it's fine for you to let this friendship drift away, or become less close naturally. No need for confrontation... Also, no need to put much effort into maintaining the relationship. Just let it settle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 ((Erica)) I am in a holding pattern with a friend of mine who is also quite opposite in some ways. I know it is so hard. If you are not comfortable ending the relationship right now, perhaps give yourself some time to just sit still with the whole thing. When I get quiet for a while like that, then I can more clearly see what is going to move me to the place of greatest peace--going forward with the person, and choosing to walk with someone who does not share your values, or breaking off and choosing to say goodbye. Both are valid choices. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Well, if it is causing you pain, life is short and all that. I would let it fizzle. You don't have to make a scene "breaking up" with her, but you can extricate yourself from the relationship by being non committal if she calls, ignoring her facebook page, being polite but not sharing personal information, not responding to invites in a timely manner or not at all. Be busy whereshe is concerned. If she asks, be direct but not emotional, "We have very little in common these days, and given time constraints have decided not to pursue the friendship any further." Chances are she won't act. If she is aware of your views and goes on like this, she knows she is being offensive and doesn't care. The mention on facebook was pretty insightful into her feelings. You probably aren't going to have to say anything, just allow it to die out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 I'm sorry you're hurting. :( I have had some friends like that, and tried to keep the political stuff separate. But ultimately, I had to let them drift away. It's too stressful to hear hateful comments that *do* impact my family (we sound very similar). Someone else will find their way into your life, and fill the gap. Someone who won't make racist, nasty comments, and the friendship will be easier. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 I had to end a friendship over repeated offensive comments (including racist comments, comparing certain political leaders to Hitler, etc). She told another friend that I ended the friendship because she is a Republican. Uh, the majority of my friends are Republicans. I am a Christian, military wife, homeschooling mom. Most of them don't deeply offend me on a regular basis. So, be prepared for some backlash. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lavandula Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 I had to end a friendship over repeated offensive comments (including racist comments, comparing certain political leaders to Hitler, etc). She told another friend that I ended the friendship because she is a Republican. So, be prepared for some backlash. Yep, I've had this happen to me too. People are amazing to say the least. Honestly, I would end the friendship. That could mean quietly stopping talking to her or telling her directly. Either way I don't think people should feel obligated to stay in situations/friendships/relationships that are toxic for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 She sounds like an awful person. Not because she disagrees with you politically, but because she is awful. Ignore her from here on out. If she asks why, say it's because you publicly insulted you and your family. Which is true. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 She sounds toxic. That's not politics. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idnib Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 :grouphug: So sorry. I have a friend who is nearly my polar opposite, as well- but we agree nearly 100% on many parenting issues, which is our common ground. Also, neither of us is the vicious name-calling kind of person, and although we each welcome intelligent debate on our facebook pages, neither of us tolerates meanness or name-calling. All that to say- it;s not either of your views that is the problem, but rather her inability to be civil. Ignore as best as you can. And silently thank her for her post alluding to your views- it will help you identify other people to avoid, as well, assuming anyone likes or agrees with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SemiSweet Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 Thank you. I think I just really needed to hear that it was ok. I'm going to try to just let it die naturally. I was feeling very unsure that I am doing this for the right reasons, but I don't think I'm doing it because we have different views per se, it's more about values and the way she's presenting them. I have found it a bit difficult to be part of the homeschool community here in Hawaii because it's small and *seems* to be mostly the opposite of me. We both moved here around the same time and bonded over that but I think it may have just run it's course at this point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SemiSweet Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 I had to end a friendship over repeated offensive comments (including racist comments, comparing certain political leaders to Hitler, etc). She told another friend that I ended the friendship because she is a Republican. Uh, the majority of my friends are Republicans. I am a Christian, military wife, homeschooling mom. Most of them don't deeply offend me on a regular basis. So, be prepared for some backlash. I expect exactly this to happen, she will perceive it to be because I disagree with her views but that really isn't it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 I am sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 Overt racism and such would be a big turn-off for me. But being polar opposites would not. And sometimes people from a very different sphere will say things that sound racist to me but weren't meant to be racist etc. I would not dump a friend because of different views but if she was intentionally disrespecting me or people she knows I respect, I would not keep coming back to be her punching bag. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SemiSweet Posted July 2, 2014 Author Share Posted July 2, 2014 Overt racism and such would be a big turn-off for me. But being polar opposites would not. And sometimes people from a very different sphere will say things that sound racist to me but weren't meant to be racist etc. I would not dump a friend because of different views but if she was intentionally disrespecting me or people she knows I respect, I would not keep coming back to be her punching bag. After much internal reflection (and discussion with my dh and mom) it is definitely not her views, we became friends knowing we were opposites. The most recent racist comment happened about 3-4 weeks ago and I've really been struggling since. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 I am in the process of letting a friendship drift. She makes racist comments and I always comment back. But now she has broken my trust and that is something too hard to get back. We were never super close but we did a lot together because she can be very fun and she is very available. It is sad in many ways, but it needs to die down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 I have friends with differing religious and political views, but I wouldn't tolerate racist or anti-gay remarks. I wouldn't feel badly about letting that friendship go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 It's not politics that you find unsettling. It's poor manners and no filter. Rudeness, plain and simple. Does that help you feel better about ending the friendship or just letting it fade? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SemiSweet Posted July 2, 2014 Author Share Posted July 2, 2014 It really does, now if I could just stop thinking about it and analyzing it. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrookValley. Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 It really does, now if I could just stop thinking about it and analyzing it. :) I get that, because that's what I do. :grouphug: But I agree with everyone else--let it fade. It's not about being polar opposites, it's about her being nasty and racist. Decidedly uncool, regardless of where you fall on the political or religious spectrum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 Thank you. I think I just really needed to hear that it was ok. I'm going to try to just let it die naturally. I was feeling very unsure that I am doing this for the right reasons, but I don't think I'm doing it because we have different views per se, it's more about values and the way she's presenting them. I have found it a bit difficult to be part of the homeschool community here in Hawaii because it's small and *seems* to be mostly the opposite of me. We both moved here around the same time and bonded over that but I think it may have just run it's course at this point. Yeah, what you described was offensive behavior, not offensive views. She doesn't sound like someone who cares to get along. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MistiDelaney Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 Dwelling and analyzing is a perfectly natural introvert approach to grieving. Understand that it is grief about what you valued and have lost in this friendship and it will pass in its own time. (I do exactly the same thing.) As to "no filters", yeah, that's hard. My former best friend and I parted ways in part because she could not accept my late-life pregnancy (selfish, dangerous and stupid) and couldn't keep from expressing it. ("If I found out I was pregnant, I would throw myself off the nearest tall building") This continued and continued, and once the baby was born (no casserole for us, though) nothing we did was "the right way". (That she is a CIO authoritarian parent is fine and between her and her adult kids. That she demanded that I be was not OK) We had a lot of fun when we were single grandmas hopping from opera to ballet to symphony together, but I had to let it go, because my life had gone a different direction and I wasn't about to live it trying to please someone who wouldn't ever be happy for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer132 Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 I don't think I could be friends with someone so totally different from me, especially if they were so vocal about it. Acquaintances, yes. Polite, and cordial, yes. But friends who actually share life, no. That's just my opinion of course. I think removing FB notifications from her would help alot though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SemiSweet Posted July 2, 2014 Author Share Posted July 2, 2014 Dwelling and analyzing is a perfectly natural introvert approach to grieving. Understand that it is grief about what you valued and have lost in this friendship and it will pass in its own time. (I do exactly the same thing.) As to "no filters", yeah, that's hard. My former best friend and I parted ways in part because she could not accept my late-life pregnancy (selfish, dangerous and stupid) and couldn't keep from expressing it. ("If I found out I was pregnant, I would throw myself off the nearest tall building") This continued and continued, and once the baby was born (no casserole for us, though) nothing we did was "the right way". (That she is a CIO authoritarian parent is fine and between her and her adult kids. That she demanded that I be was not OK) We had a lot of fun when we were single grandmas hopping from opera to ballet to symphony together, but I had to let it go, because my life had gone a different direction and I wasn't about to live it trying to please someone who wouldn't ever be happy for me. That is horrible. :( I'm sorry you had to go through that. I am definitely grieving. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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