Hurt my mom's feelings

[Guest submarines]

Does your DS prefer to see nature or Legoland?

[Hikin' Mama]

[quote name="SquirrellyMama" post="5552648" timestamp=

 

We are going on this vacation to do things together.

 

Kelly

 

I agree with your other reasons, but I think your last sentence is reason enough to tell her no.

[Kim in Appalachia]

:grouphug: OP, if you have safety concerns about the water park, that is your call.  You are the parent.  We have known families with kids who drowned that were perfectly capable of swimming and there were adults/life guards present in two instances.  I have nearly drowned twice, myself.  Once, I was lucky and the tide dumped me back on shore just as I completely ran out of air (ocean).  The second time the only reason I made it (public swimming pool) was because Dad was nearby and realized I was in trouble.  Another child, who could not swim, grabbed me to try and stay up.  I was not strong enough to keep us both above water, so my head went under and stayed there.   I panicked and sucked in a lot of water.  Everyone else thought we were playing.  Dad realized we weren't, thankfully.  Accidents CAN happen.  Does that mean that older children should never be allowed to go swimming without a parent?  Lots of kids go swimming without a parent and do just fine.  And the odds are that your child will have a great time and be perfectly fine.  But you would be worried the whole time and your vacation would not be much of a vacation...plus if something were to go wrong, well, that scenario just doesn't even bear thinking about.  

 

With regards to Legoland specifically, though, I am sorry she either intentionally or unintentionally circumvented you by mentioning Legoland again to your son after you had already said no.  And I am sorry she was only inviting one child and not able to invite the others.  But if you COULD get discount tickets and take the whole family and help her feel like a part of things, I would do it.   The family gets to do something fun, the kids get to build some memories with your mom, if your mom runs into health problems/lack of mobility issues, there are two other adults to help out and give the kids a chance to still enjoy themselves and you and your family are not just shopping to build memories for the kids with grandma.  And your mom can feel like she still has something to share with her grandkids.  (and since you and DH would actually be there, you could see how she does walking everywhere and if she struggles you will know for certain that this is NOT an option for her to do on her own and perhaps she will, too).

 

I lost my dad several years ago.  We had a good relationship and I loved him very much but we butted heads a lot.  Because of that there were times that I shut down his suggestions without really trying to respectfully find an alternative way of doing things that was acceptable to me but also supportive of him.  And because of that the kids don't have as many memories of him as they should have.   :(

 

Hugs and best wishes, whatever you decide.  I know trying to work things out between grandparents/parents/grandchildren can be challenging.

 

This is well written, very kindly put.

 

I understand the issues you are having.  The biggest one though is that you have a different ideas on how to spend time together than your mother does.  Not going as a group would be the thing that I would say not to.  You only have a week and need to maximize your time.  Your mother should be able to understand that.  But, and I say this gently, you need to get past the fact that what your mom finds fun is different from what you find fun.  

 

I prefer national parks and hiking over amusement parks or shopping, but my mother and MIL have very different ideas.  If you want your children to have good memories of their grandmother, you will let her show her love the way she is able to do it.  You are going to CA to visit your folks, let it be about that.  If you can't find a way for all of you to go to Legoland, then you'll have to find a way to help your mother understand.  But do try and see if you can all find a way to go together.  It sounds like it could mean a lot to your mom.  

[Joanne]

You posted for feedback. Mine is that I think you are creating a needless barrier.

 

Your son is old enough to attend Legoland with an adult who is less able to get around. Your son is old enough to attend a professionally run water park with lifeguards and enjoy.

 

If I could go back, I'd enjoy more time on my Mom's terms and I'd nurture what my mom offered to do with or for the kids. My mom died at 76 and my kids barely knew her.

[katilac]

I wouldn't allow the solo Legoland trip as is, either. I think your concerns about leaving the other kids out and the safety issues are valid. Really, I don't know how fun it would be for him anyway, assuming that your mom would mostly be watching and not going on roller coasters or climbing mountains of stairs. Rides and water slides are much less fun on your own. 

 

I do like the idea of trying to make it happen for the whole family, or of coming up with an alternative. I wouldn't leave it to her to come up with an alternative, b/c chances are it would be just as unworkable, and then you'd be the bad guy saying no again. I'd look into the coupons for Legoland, and if it was still a no-go,  give her a couple of other ideas. 

 

 

[marbel]

I wouldn't allow the solo Legoland trip as is, either. I think your concerns about leaving the other kids out and the safety issues are valid. Really, I don't know how fun it would be for him anyway, assuming that your mom would mostly be watching and not going on roller coasters or climbing mountains of stairs. Rides and water slides are much less fun on your own. 

 

I do like the idea of trying to make it happen for the whole family, or of coming up with an alternative. I wouldn't leave it to her to come up with an alternative, b/c chances are it would be just as unworkable, and then you'd be the bad guy saying no again. I'd look into the coupons for Legoland, and if it was still a no-go,  give her a couple of other ideas. 

 

I was wondering about this myself.  Obviously I don't know the OP's kid but I can't imagine mine having any fun at a water park without family or friends in the water with them.   People talk about making memories but they should be good ones. 

 

(I am biased here. Most of my kids' memories of their activities with their grandparents are not good. Maybe that's why I'm sympathetic with the OP.) 

 

[MysteryJen]

I have been thinking about this and yes, your reasons for the water park and the Legoland trip are valid. But, and I am saying this gently, the purpose of your trip is to visit your parents. Not a vacation. I grew up with only visiting family during our breaks and while it was okay, it was not a vacation. It was a trip to visit family.

 

Trying to combine family obligations with a need for a vacation will result in hurt feelings all the way around. I know you are spending a lot of money to visit, but your primary purpose is family. 

 

 

[Catwoman]

I have been thinking about this and yes, your reasons for the water park and the Legoland trip are valid. But, and I am saying this gently, the purpose of your trip is to visit your parents. Not a vacation. I grew up with only visiting family during our breaks and while it was okay, it was not a vacation. It was a trip to visit family.

 

Trying to combine family obligations with a need for a vacation will result in hurt feelings all the way around. I know you are spending a lot of money to visit, but your primary purpose is family.

:iagree:

 

If your primary purpose is a vacation for your immediate family, that's absolutely fine, but stay in a hotel and arrange to visit with your parents when it's convenient.

 

I'm getting the impression that you'll be staying with your parents, which makes them the hosts, not you, and I don't understand why you wouldn't realize that they would expect to be included in many of your activities if they believe you're making the trip to visit them. If you want to stay with them and just show up for meals or at bedtime, you're treating your parents like innkeepers, not like family.

 

I can understand your concerns that your family might be bored with the things your parents like to do, but if that's truly the case, you probably shouldn't be staying in their home when you go on vacation.

[SquirrellyMama]

I think part of the problem with some of the replies here see this as a trip to visit family first.  I think of this as a vacation first, visiting family second.  I do not have the relationship that some of you do with your parents.  I wanted that great relationship but finally had to set emotional boundaries.

 

I once disagreed with my dad who then told me I wasn't his daughter anymore.  After 10 minutes he called me back to find out if I had "reconsidered" my view point.  When I disagree with my mom she asks, "Why don't you love me?"  I loved hearing that as a kid, and dislike it still today.

 

We didn't see my parents for 5 years after the incident with my dad.  I would like my kids to have contact with them, but this is not a touchy feely, I love you so much visit. 

 

I will do what I can for us all to go to Lego Land.  Although my dh is less likely than I am to say yes. I told him the coupon plan and he still said no.  Maybe by the time we go he'll warm up to everyone going. 

 

Kelly

 

 

[Catwoman]

I think part of the problem with some of the replies here see this as a trip to visit family first. I think of this as a vacation first, visiting family second. I do not have the relationship that some of you do with your parents. I wanted that great relationship but finally had to set emotional boundaries.

 

I once disagreed with my dad who then told me I wasn't his daughter anymore. After 10 minutes he called me back to find out if I had "reconsidered" my view point. When I disagree with my mom she asks, "Why don't you love me?" I loved hearing that as a kid, and dislike it still today.

 

We didn't see my parents for 5 years after the incident with my dad. I would like my kids to have contact with them, but this is not a touchy feely, I love you so much visit.

 

I will do what I can for us all to go to Lego Land. Although my dh is less likely than I am to say yes. I told him the coupon plan and he still said no. Maybe by the time we go he'll warm up to everyone going.

 

Kelly

But are you staying with your parents or in a hotel?

 

That's the part I seem to be missing.

[Joker]

The more you share, the more I feel like you shouldn't be staying with them because it sounds like you're using them for a free place to stay yet you don't like them. I wonder if you would still be planning a vacation to visit with them at all if they lived somewhere that didn't offer so much to see and do?

[Catwoman]

The more you share, the more I feel like you shouldn't be staying with them because it sounds like you're using them for a free place to stay yet you don't like them. I wonder if you would still be planning a vacation to visit with them at all if they lived somewhere that didn't offer so much to see and do?

:iagree:

 

That's the feeling I'm getting as well, and why I asked if they would be staying with her parents.

[Joker]

:iagree:

 

That's the feeling I'm getting as well, and why I asked if they would be staying with her parents.

 

Post 48 says they stay with the parents.

[SquirrellyMama]

But are you staying with your parents or in a hotel?

 

That's the part I seem to be missing.

 

We are staying with my parents.  They would never see us if we couldn't.  There is not enough money to drive out there and stay in a hotel for a week. 

 

You and I are going to have to just disagree on this thread.  You won't change my mind and I won't change yours.

 

Kelly

[Catwoman]

We are staying with my parents. They would never see us if we couldn't. There is not enough money to drive out there and stay in a hotel for a week.

 

You and I are going to have to just disagree on this thread. You won't change my mind and I won't change yours.

 

Kelly

I'm not trying to change your mind about anything. You started the thread and I responded to your posts.

 

If you wanted everyone to agree with you, you should have added JAWM to your title.

 

As you've described it, it sounds like you're not particularly fond of your parents and don't really want to spend a lot of time with them, yet you have no problem using their home as a free hotel while you're "on vacation."

 

I'm sorry you can't afford the trip without having a free place to stay, but if I was your mom, I would be incredibly hurt and insulted if I felt that you were using me that way.

[Catwoman]

Post 48 says they stay with the parents.

Thanks -- I'd completely missed it! :)

[bettyandbob]

OK, I know about planning vacations around cheap/free places to stay, but this doesn't sound healthy.

 

Do you have friends, siblings, cousins who will let you throw sleeping bags down in their basement?

[katilac]

The more you share, the more I feel like you shouldn't be staying with them because it sounds like you're using them for a free place to stay yet you don't like them. I wonder if you would still be planning a vacation to visit with them at all if they lived somewhere that didn't offer so much to see and do?

 

It's equally likely that her parents would be offended if they stayed at a hotel. 

 

I get the point about not using people as a free hotel, but this doesn't sound like that to me, really. She's not wanting to visit her cousins at their beach house just to have a free place to stay; these are her parents, she probably feels obligated to visit them, and it doesn't sound like they make it easy (even before the new info came out). I can identify with struggling to feel happy about spending a ton of money and time to do stuff you don't want to do. 

 

With anyone else, I would say, yeah, don't go if you don't want socializing to be the primary focus of the visit. But it's her parents, so it's not so easy to scratch them off of the list. It happens to be very expensive for them to visit the parents, and it sounds like that's the only way they see the grandkids, so I wouldn't call it unreasonable to want to roll it into a vacation. 

 

 

[marbel]

It's equally likely that her parents would be offended if they stayed at a hotel. 

 

I get the point about not using people as a free hotel, but this doesn't sound like that to me, really. She's not wanting to visit her cousins at their beach house just to have a free place to stay; these are her parents, she probably feels obligated to visit them, and it doesn't sound like they make it easy (even before the new info came out). I can identify with struggling to feel happy about spending a ton of money and time to do stuff you don't want to do. 

 

With anyone else, I would say, yeah, don't go if you don't want socializing to be the primary focus of the visit. But it's her parents, so it's not so easy to scratch them off of the list. It happens to be very expensive for them to visit the parents, and it sounds like that's the only way they see the grandkids, so I wouldn't call it unreasonable to want to roll it into a vacation. 

 

I'm not the OP but this is what I live with as well.  When we go visit grandparents, that is our "vacation" for the year - there are neither time nor funds for an additional, real vacation.  We would offend them deeply if we stayed in a hotel.     We also couldn't afford to go if we couldn't stay with them - but we have to go because the grandparents must be visited.  They are not toxic people, just a bit difficult. We can't abandon them. 

 

It sounds like OP and family want to spend some of their time with the grandparents, but the grandparents (or mother at least) are making it difficult because of wanting to split the kids up, take one to a place all would like to go to, etc.   

 

 

 

[Guest submarines]

With what you've shared about your dysfunctional parents, I'm not even sure why you are 1. bringing your children into their toxicity, and 2. worried about your mom's feelings when it is her who's violating your boundaries. She's repeating the pattern of your childhood, by being hurt when she shouldn't be, and manipulating you into doing what she wants you to do.

 

Why don't you plan a vacation that your family can fully afford and not rely on them as a hotel. If you don't, you keep using them in the same way as they use you, and you are teaching the same unhealthy dynamics to your children.

[MysteryJen]

I grew up with this dynamic. No funds for a real vacation only obligatory ones to family. I don't think I went on a vacation where we didn't visit or stay with family until my honeymoon. My mom ended several of these weeks by arguing and fighting with her mother. We always went because they didn't like to travel. It was not a healthy pattern for my immediate family. Resentment doesn't do much to promote healthy relationships.

 

OP, you said your parents visit you. That is great. Given your relationship, that is good enough.

 

Two days of a real vacation is better than a week of one mixed with obligation, stress, and dysfunction.  

[zoobie]

Somewhere upthread, the OP also says that she plans these outings during the day when her parents are at work, and they visit with the grandparents in the evening.

 

OP's judgment that her mother isn't a suitable guardian to take her son 2 hours away to an amusement and water park is her choice to make. It's not as if being a grandmother automatically makes her sensible. If this were a neighbor or friend's parent whose judgment she didn't trust, no one would question her.

[Guest]

The older I get and the older my kids get, the more I imagine myself as a grandma and a MIL. I think I'll be a clueless, irresponsible grandma who would want to take the grand kids to legoland. I already walk with a limp. I'm certain I'll get lost, even with a GPS. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say.

 

If you have a good relationship with your mom, let them go and make memories of a life-time. If not, then what's the point of visiting anyway?

 

As long as she has a safety hazard, I don't see why she can't take him to Legoland and the girls somewhere they want to go.  If not, when else would the kids go?  Like someone else said, we would all go together, but if the expense is an issue then you might have to do it the other way.

 

No on the water park.  

[LMV]

But would you take one grandkid and leave the others, who would like to go too, behind?

 

Our situation is a bit different because DH and both have very strong and healthy relationships with our moms. We both trust them and my FIL completely with our kids.  We're also very close to trusting my mother's second husband completely with our kids.  It isn't anything he has done or anything about him it is just that he and my mom have only been married for almost five years now and by his own admission he feels a little in over his head with our younger daughters if it were to be just him.  In contrast, he really enjoys spending time with our older daughters, and isn't afraid of them in that way so we do let him take them places sometimes alone and he and my mom will take the younger girls places.  Because our situation is different we really do value (and the kids value) the kids having the opportunity for one on one, or one on two, or smaller group scenarios with their grandparents. I would let DH's mom (or my mom) take one kid somewhere and leave the others if it was a situation where I and she really believed that it would be more special or more meaningful for the one if it was just them, or if it was a situation where one of my younger daughters wasn't really old enough but wanted to go because it was happening.  Of course, when I was explaining to the feeling slighted child that they couldn't go this time I would have a number of examples of special times that they and grandma had enjoyed one on one and likely even some promised events for the near future that would be enjoyed.  So, if Grandma is going to take one kid to Legoland and two other kids to Disney then I think that is fine unless all three kids clearly desire Legoland over Disney.  In that case I would explain that to Grandma (and perhaps offer that I and or DH would be willing to tag along if she felt that would make for a better adult:kid ratio).  I may be off base but I kind of got the impression that maybe Grandma really kind of wanted to go to Legoland and maybe she knew that the grandson would really like it and thought the granddaughters would prefer something else.  To me that doesn't come across as much as Grandma playing favorites as Grandma trying to create a special event and memory for each kid.  Of course, I'm interpreting this through the perspective of our experiences so maybe I'm missing something. 

[foxbridgeacademy]

My child's safety and comfort is paramount over whether my mom's feelings are hurt. Plus if I let one child go but not the other? No way, I had to deal with that as a kid and I don't ever want my children to have to experience NOT being the favorite(or the guilt of being the favorite).  So gently, tell her how much you love her, appreciate her, and can't wait to see her, but this is your choice and that is final.