Constructive Criticism - How Honest are you with Your Kids?

[Cindyz]

Let's say one of your children participated in a group performance in front of an audience, and they didn't seem to take it seriously or put much thought into what they were doing.  Or your child does "average" on a test or a quiz when you know they are capable of doing better.  Or they participate in a sport and ask, "How did I do?", when you saw that they weren't paying attention or doing their best.  How honest are you with your criticism?  My son is 9 and lately I've been bumping up against this a lot.  I want to be supportive and I can always find good things to praise and compliment, but I feel like I need to be honest when his performance isn't up to par.  I can see his face fall when I do it, and then I feel guilty.  My husband says we need to be honest with him and tell him when he's acting like a fool in front of a crowd or when we can tell he's not putting forth his best efforts.  I think being honest makes it more meaningful when he does very well on something and we shower him with praise.  I feel like our amount of praise is much more than the constructive criticisms, but oh, the guilt!  I just want to say, "You did great!  I loved it!", but sometimes that would be a lie.

[Joyofsixreboot]

We are very honest.  Lots of parents look at us like we are mean but the truth might as well come with a hug and some compliments as opposed to how the world will be handing it out.  

[dirty ethel rackham]

I turn the tables on them and ask them how they felt.  I might say "you seem distracted today.  What do you think?"  "What do you think you could have done to be better?"  My job is not to be their critic.  That is why they have coaches and directors.  I get to do too much of that with school.  I found out recently that my son felt that our relationship was all about me criticizing him.  We needed to find other things to relate about.  This is why all of his classes are now outsourced.  This article really hit home for me. 

[Carrie12345]

I tend to go with variations of "You were terrific! Let's work on X for next time and see how that goes!"

[Wildiris]

It depends on the situation, but I am brutally honest. If the kid did not do a good job because they're being a slacker, then I let them know about it. But if the kid truly put forth effort and still barely passed, then I congratulate them on their effort. Honesty is the best policy. I don't think it does a kid any good to be praised for un-praise  worthy effort.

[rmtzc2009]

We give honest feedback.  I try to pick out what he did well and praise him on that and then I would point out if I saw an area for improvement.  Now if I felt he had done his best I would keep it all positive even if it was less than stellar.  If I felt he was silly, distracted or just not putting in the effort I would tell him.

[mommymonster]

I'm having trouble figuring out how to do this, in all honesty. DS8 seems to have some pretty big learning challenges that we are working on getting diagnosed. I try to give honest feedback based on how he has shown me he could perform in the past, as opposed to what a "typical" student could do. That being said, if my potential feedback is less than glowing, I will ask him how he viewed his performance and whether he thought he gave it his all. 

[alef]

Depends on the child. Mine lean towards high anxiety/sensitive/self critical so I have to be very careful about how I give input. After a performance, I might say something like "wow, I can tell you really worked on x, you did that really, really well. It looks like you might need a little more practice with y. Maybe we can find some time to practice that together."

[AK_Mom4]

Supportively Honest is how I would describe it.  I am not the parent who is out there criticizing my beginning piano student for not sounding like a pro or my baseball kid for making a mistake on the field.  But I am also not out there telling my little darling that she is the greatest basketball player EVER and the coach was dumb to make her take her turn on the bench.  If they give a good effort, I applaud that.  If they don't give it a good try, we talk about that too.

[SproutMamaK]

We're honest, but temper that with support. Eg. "You did a great job doing this part of it! But, I noticed that during this part, you seemed to be xyz. Let's work on that at home/ask for some help from your teachers."

 

Exception: when it's an issue of refusing to focus on the task at hand/pay attention, the tempering it with support goes out the window. If they're not interested in something, they've wasted everyone's time and money and I will not put up with that. We have to carefully pick and choose what we get involved in and while I don't expect perfection, I expect them to stay engaged at minimum.

[Cindyz]

Thank you for all of the wonderful replies and ideas.  I think it is more difficult for homeschooling parents because as Ellen pointed out, we are the ones who are always correcting their work day in and day out so it can become overwhelming.   Kathryn, you hit another nail on the head that we deal with.  If we are paying for him to have lessons to learn something, I expect him to put forth his best effort while attending the lessons..  For instance, we pay $65/month for swimming lessons and it drives me bonkers when I see him constantly putting his head under the water while the coach is talking or showing them how to do something, and then see him struggle trying to perform the stroke down the lane.  When he comes out and asks, "How did I do?", I feel like we have a lot to talk about.  Also, if I ask him how he thinks he did, he will always say he thinks he did great.  ;) 

[elegantlion]

It depends on where he is on the learning curve and how into something he is. He hates sports and played upward basketball one season, never took a shot. he was 8 or 9. He didn't want to play in the first place, but did because his dad wanted him to, so there was little critiquing of his playing. I'm a highly sensitive person and words can wound me, so I've been very aware of how I phrase things to ds. Criticism comes two fold from me, a praise or observation of something done well, then the "lets work on this" part. 

 

If he's just starting something, I'm gentle. If he's working at higher level, I can be a little more critical. My goal is always honesty, but you can be tactful and kind while doing so. It's a balance, and I use my own sensitivity to gauge whether I should say a particular thing. 

 

 

[alef]

We're honest, but temper that with support. Eg. "You did a great job doing this part of it! But, I noticed that during this part, you seemed to be xyz. Let's work on that at home/ask for some help from your teachers."

 

Exception: when it's an issue of refusing to focus on the task at hand/pay attention, the tempering it with support goes out the window. If they're not interested in something, they've wasted everyone's time and money and I will not put up with that. We have to carefully pick and choose what we get involved in and while I don't expect perfection, I expect them to stay engaged at minimum.

 

Except that for some kids what looks like lack of engagement or trying may actually be difficulty focusing or shutting down due to anxiety or not understanding what is expected.

[JoJosMom]

Let's say one of your children participated in a group performance in front of an audience, and they didn't seem to take it seriously or put much thought into what they were doing.  Or your child does "average" on a test or a quiz when you know they are capable of doing better.  Or they participate in a sport and ask, "How did I do?", when you saw that they weren't paying attention or doing their best.  How honest are you with your criticism?  My son is 9 and lately I've been bumping up against this a lot.  I want to be supportive and I can always find good things to praise and compliment, but I feel like I need to be honest when his performance isn't up to par.  I can see his face fall when I do it, and then I feel guilty.  My husband says we need to be honest with him and tell him when he's acting like a fool in front of a crowd or when we can tell he's not putting forth his best efforts.  I think being honest makes it more meaningful when he does very well on something and we shower him with praise.  I feel like our amount of praise is much more than the constructive criticisms, but oh, the guilt!  I just want to say, "You did great!  I loved it!", but sometimes that would be a lie.

 

 

I agree with much of what has been said in previous posts; I try to point out the positive, but I will try to encourage improvement (gently) where needed (I have a sensitive child.) However, in dealing with the specific bolded situation, I will become quite, err, assertive.  If DD were to blow off a performance that involves others (and she does perform), I would not hesitate to point out that her lack of effort/attention/thought negatively impacts others.  We treat those situations more seriously because a lack of effort will hurt more than just the slacker child.  (If the difficulty with the performance were not because of a lack of effort, obviously the above would not apply.)

[SproutMamaK]

Except that for some kids what looks like lack of engagement or trying may actually be difficulty focusing or shutting down due to anxiety or not understanding what is expected.

 

Oh, absolutely! My kids have this ALLLLL the time (the older two have autism, they "shut down" a lot, and not from a lack of engagement; quite the opposite, actually, they get TOO involved and can't cope anymore). I think that's where just knowing your kids comes in. A refusal to engage or work will look TOTALLY different from kid to kid.

 

Personally I think as homeschoolers we may have a bit of a leg up on that one, lol. I definitely recognize the "I could not care less about this and am not even gonna bother with it anymore" look by now... unfortunately. :banghead:

[TheApprentice]

I usually offer praise first, then constructive criticism. I'm honest, but in a loving way, almost conversational.

[SKL]

It's a balance, and it can depend on what else is going on.

 

Just as I would for any human being that I had reason to counsel, I start with the positives if at all possible.  Then I will usually probe into the not-so-great by asking questions:

 

"Did you do your best?"

"Did you re-check your work?"

"What did you find hard about this?"

"Are you feeling OK today?"

"Were you feeling shy?" / "Were you distracted by anything?"

"What kind of mood was your teacher coach in?"

"Do you enjoy doing this?"

"Do you want to keep doing this?"

 

This puts them on notice that everything wasn't super awesome, and then I pick one or two specific areas for improvement.

 

"Next time you'll do better if you read the questions carefully and check your work afterwards."

"Next time we'll set aside more time for studying this."

"Remember that your participation is important to the whole team."

"Talk to your coach/teacher and ask if s/he has any suggestions to deal with this problem."

 

Or even,

 

"Not everyone is cut out to be great at ___.  You can keep doing it for fun, or you can focus on another sport where you have more interest / talent."

 

My youngest gets stage fright, which causes her to stand around and do a lot of nothing on the stage.  So we stick with purely recreational, laid back opportunities, and I keep encouraging her.  I'm honest, but I always feel that there's room for improvement and hope that someday she'll find her groove up there.  Even if she never becomes good in theatre, she needs to be able to stand up in front of a group/crowd, because it's a life skill IMO.