4everHis Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 I have 5 dc, I worked with children for 10 years before having my own. This dd 10 has us stumped. There are never 'normal' conversations with her. It's like she truly lives in a parallel universe. She ends up in tears over matters that, to every other child I've known, seem so simple. Example: She spends weeks wanting to play soccer. Before I sign her up she is told by a cousin that you don't get to pick your position, the coaches pick where you're best. OH MY! She was planning on being goalie all the time and how unfair. Example: DD18 will be moving away for 9 mths. DD10, without ever asking questions, thinks that she'll have the whole room to herself (body wise she will) but dd18 will still have stuff there and will be coming back off and on. EXAMPLE: We live in a small, rural town. The mall is a very rare occurrence. She wanted to go so dd18 and myself planned a day at the mall with dd10. We spend the whole day with her upset. She can't truly put it into words but she had built this idea of what 'going to the mall' meant and this was NOT it! In re-reading this it sounds so trivial but I can't explain the emotional upheaval, the inability (on our part) to explain what no one else has ever questioned. This weeks crazy is she wants to take a gymnastics class. I look into it and the local rec center has an 8 week class for beginners. "BUT MOM, what if the coach is mean?" "ONLY 8 classes!!! I thought I'd take for a year, multiple times a week and there will be beams with foam pits under them and I'll learn back flips. . . etc." My response, "DD10 why do you think this is what the gym will look like? DD10 your sister is taking an art class at the Institute for Arts, it's only 8 weeks. DD10, you have to start out learning the basics, EVERY one does. . . " The tears, the 'nobody else' does it like this. . . . She has a hard time making friends because of her 'expectations.' I wonder how she'll ever co-exist outside this house. Has anyone else raised a child like this? Do you have any suggestions for helping her? For helping us? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 No, but perhaps if you explain these things when she first expresses an interest. Or perhaps ask her what she thinks it will be like first and then explain where she may have higher expectations. Maybe you already do this, but you didn't say so I thought I'd bring it up. It sounds like she does have certain expectations and fanciful ideas of what things will be like so maybe if you cut her off at the pass and explain it *first* before she builds it up in her head the let-down won't be so bad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4everHis Posted February 17, 2014 Author Share Posted February 17, 2014 I'm learning to try to 'catch' her on this stuff before it's out of hand but the same can be said of every day life. Friends are coming over she thinks she knows EXACTLY what all 4 of them will want to do and of course it does NOT include possibly one of her guests stopping and talking to another of our kids. It never includes guest getting here and NOT wanting to play exactly what she had in mind for this play date. And then she can't 'shift' or go with the flow. Those are the things that are hardest for me. The fact that she doesn't know how to 'shift' or 'adjust' to reality. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Well, it sounds like she may be dealing with some anxiety issues. She is getting herself overwhelmed. I would work on talking her through these things before they happen. I have one who when she was small couldn't deal with sudden shifts either (not exactly the same thing concerning expectations though). I couldn't just announce... "time to clean up!" or "time to go home" She absolutely would melt... I'd have to say, "In 15 min. we're going to start cleaning up." I also couldn't just give her a bunch of things to do at once. Ex: "Go clean up your toys, bring me your laundry, go fetch the mail, and then clean the toilets." something like that. She would go into completely panic mode and couldn't even start, and then start crying. I learned that I had to say, "Go clean up your toys and then come back to me for the next thing..." And so it would go. She could only take those things in little chunks. Your daughter is 10 I would ask her how you can help her not have such high expectations and see what kind of cues she gives you. Also, if you want some natural ideas. My dd (from above) who deals with anxiety says that rescue remedy really helps her. She's away at college now. also, I have found that Natural Calm is helpful as well ,although I'm having a hard time with her being consistent with that one while she's away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Could be developmental/age related, or her personality (Js seem to be like this in the Myers-Briggs PT). Black and white thinking, inflexibility, trouble with transitions--is she on the spectrum at all? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Sounds like she idealizes a lot of events in her head before they are happening. Talking things through and bringing up what could also happen and "how would you handle it if Mary decided to..." may be good preparation. It will be a lot of work for you but hopefully it will gradually increase awareness on her part that there are unknowns and one cannot plan for everything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 I have a high strung kid. She's 11 and she doesn't have the same issue with built up expectations but she had a very hard time dealing with disappointment and she's a perfectionist so she's constantly disappointed in herself. The most recent thing was forgetting her valentines for her Valentine's day party at co-op. I kind of understood that one a bit more but she seriously overreacted and sat there sobbing through assembly. I didn't handle it with the utmost of grace because my 12 year old had also forgotten the snack she was supposed to take for her party. Recently she accidentally broke two dishes in a three day period of time and also sprayed my sister in the face with air freshener accidentally which really hurt obviously. She flipped out over how clumsy she's being lately. She's always been very emotional, very sensitive. I always thought she'd outgrow it. I don't think that anymore... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
City Mouse Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 She sounds a lot like my DD now 18 who has some Aspergers like tendencies. She never had many friends because she expected kids to act a certain way and when they didn't she got mad and didn't want to be around them. She found not understand why people didn't follow the "rules". She still doesn't understand why, but at least now she understands that people don't follow the "rules". Trying to teach her to drive was a nightmare. As far as outside activities, the one she did best at was Tae Kwan do. The program was very structures, and everyone is expected to follow the rules. I really worried about how she would do at college with a room mate that had her own way of doing things. We did a lot of talking about situations ahead of time and setting her up so that it was ok if someone didnt meet her expectations. I can't really remember much about what she was like at 10 (repressed memories maybe?), but middle school was difficult. Things did get better for her in HS when she was able to meet more people like herself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 There are never 'normal' conversations with her. It's like she truly lives in a parallel universe. She ends up in tears over matters that, to every other child I've known, seem so simple.....In re-reading this it sounds so trivial but I can't explain the emotional upheaval, the inability (on our part) to explain what no one else has ever questioned........The tears, the 'nobody else' does it like this. . . . She has a hard time making friends because of her 'expectations.' I wonder how she'll ever co-exist outside this house. Has anyone else raised a child like this? Do you have any suggestions for helping her? For helping us? :grouphug: I snipped quite a bit of your post. This does not sound trivial to me at all, hon. Trust your instinct here. If she's struggling this much to match the real world to her inner world and expectations, and it's impacting you and your family to this extent, I would take her to be evaluated. I'm not one who thinks every childhood problem needs a specialist, but from the sounds of it, you and your sweet dd need some help with this. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Entropymama Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 I don't have a child like this, but I was a bit like this as a child. For example, I can remember inviting my friends over to play and planning elaborate games before they arrived. If they didn't do or say what I expected them to say I would be devastated. There were times that my mom had to gently ask the other children to leave because I was a sobbing heap. I had never told them what to do or say, mind you, I just expected everyone to fit my expectations. It was difficult. I lost friends over it, honestly. But I outgrew it by the time I reached my early teens. I'm not sure what made a difference but I remember my mom talking to me about it many, many times, explaining that the world doesn't always fit our expectations. I was also the kid who would be in tears over choosing an ice cream flavor or board game because I was terrified I'd be disappointed in my choice. No idea if that's helpful, except that I'm a pretty well functioning adult now, if I do say so myself. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 I'm glad not to be the first; I was going to say spectrum and/or anxiety. I'm not suggesting you have to run out for a diagnosis, but maybe read up on things that could help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4everHis Posted February 17, 2014 Author Share Posted February 17, 2014 I don't have a child like this, but I was a bit like this as a child. For example, I can remember inviting my friends over to play and planning elaborate games before they arrived. If they didn't do or say what I expected them to say I would be devastated. There were times that my mom had to gently ask the other children to leave because I was a sobbing heap. I had never told them what to do or say, mind you, I just expected everyone to fit my expectations. It was difficult. I lost friends over it, honestly. But I outgrew it by the time I reached my early teens. I'm not sure what made a difference but I remember my mom talking to me about it many, many times, explaining that the world doesn't always fit our expectations. I was also the kid who would be in tears over choosing an ice cream flavor or board game because I was terrified I'd be disappointed in my choice. No idea if that's helpful, except that I'm a pretty well functioning adult now, if I do say so myself. :) This is another of her quirks. People think she is very frugal and wise with her $$$ but it's mostly this. I'm so glad to hear there's hope. . . . :laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4everHis Posted February 17, 2014 Author Share Posted February 17, 2014 OK. I wondered if this, in any way, fit the spectrum. Thank you all for your input and encouragement. Off to do some research. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jann in TX Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Ditto what the other posters have said... your dd sounds a lot like my oldest dd who has Aspbergers. My dd is intelligent-- IQ above average even-- but she does not 'get' social cues and tends to live in her own little world even as an adult. This dd is a great worker as long as she knows what to expect-- throw a wrench in her day and she can have a tough time sorting the situation out (but this has been improving lately!). I'd say go in for an evaluation-- it may just be a social anxiety disorder that can be sorted out through simple therapy... If it is something like Aspbergers, there is still hope-- you work on coping strategies... mental maturity also makes a HUGE difference and this only comes with time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Entropymama Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Just wanted to add - I don't have anything on the spectrum. It seemed to be an immaturity issue that I grew out of. Not saying you shouldn't get an evaluation, but wanted to be clear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 I'm learning to try to 'catch' her on this stuff before it's out of hand but the same can be said of every day life. Friends are coming over she thinks she knows EXACTLY what all 4 of them will want to do and of course it does NOT include possibly one of her guests stopping and talking to another of our kids. It never includes guest getting here and NOT wanting to play exactly what she had in mind for this play date. And then she can't 'shift' or go with the flow. Those are the things that are hardest for me. The fact that she doesn't know how to 'shift' or 'adjust' to reality. This is pretty classic ASD. Google deficient theory of mind for more information. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cammie Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Reading your post I was thinking that it must be so hard for your daughter. She has everything so built up in her mind, so perfect, so planned out. And reality can never, ever match her dreams. It must be crushing to be constantly disappointed. I know nothing about spectrum and possible issues. But it seems like she does need some type of help readjusting her mind to not expect castles in the air all the time. :grouphug: to both of you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Incognito Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 This may sound silly, but your post made me think of my intro to philosophy class years and years ago. Very basic Platonic Idealism. Perhaps discussing the concept with your daughter might help - and it would give you a way to talk about it that would be somewhat non-confrontatinal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4everHis Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 Reading your post I was thinking that it must be so hard for your daughter. She has everything so built up in her mind, so perfect, so planned out. And reality can never, ever match her dreams. It must be crushing to be constantly disappointed. I know nothing about spectrum and possible issues. But it seems like she does need some type of help readjusting her mind to not expect castles in the air all the time. :grouphug: to both of you! One of the main reasons I was willing to ask about this is because I can't imagine going through life like this. When she was younger, even a couple of years ago, we just assumed she'd 'grow' out of it or mature out of it. That just doesn't seem to be happening and I hate that she is disappointed so often especially if there is something we can do to help her. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Well, it sounds like she may be dealing with some anxiety issues. She is getting herself overwhelmed. I would work on talking her through these things before they happen. I have one who when she was small couldn't deal with sudden shifts either (not exactly the same thing concerning expectations though). I couldn't just announce... "time to clean up!" or "time to go home" She absolutely would melt... I'd have to say, "In 15 min. we're going to start cleaning up." I also couldn't just give her a bunch of things to do at once. Ex: "Go clean up your toys, bring me your laundry, go fetch the mail, and then clean the toilets." something like that. She would go into completely panic mode and couldn't even start, and then start crying. I learned that I had to say, "Go clean up your toys and then come back to me for the next thing..." And so it would go. She could only take those things in little chunks. Your daughter is 10 I would ask her how you can help her not have such high expectations and see what kind of cues she gives you. Also, if you want some natural ideas. My dd (from above) who deals with anxiety says that rescue remedy really helps her. She's away at college now. also, I have found that Natural Calm is helpful as well ,although I'm having a hard time with her being consistent with that one while she's away. This is so our youngest as well. She's gotten better over time but whew, she is a rare breed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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