Setting Boundaries re: Homeschool Schedule, Family & Friends

[Guest]

Okay, so this is our 2nd week of school and already I am having family and friends totally throw us off track. Important: we are only doing PreK right now, so our schedule is not imperative, however, this is supposed to be our homeschool "test" year (making sure we can actually be disciplined enough to do this) and I really want to set a solid foundation with friends and family that we are serious about this.

 

Every day this week, I've had a friend or family member call and have to change plans (all for important reasons) that would interfere with our school "time". My kids still nap and we truly do need to do school at ds' "peak" hour of attentiveness. (Otherwise, school is out the window for that day.)

 

I can sense this is going to become a problem. I am going to get frustrated with people calling and asking to change plans or watch their kids during our schooltime, even if it's for an important reason. (Which everyone seems to have.)

 

How do you set up your boundaries? I recognize that one of the perks of homeschooling is the ability to be flexible, but I don't really want to be known as the flexible one that anyone can call on. (Sorry, me being selfish.) I want to take homeschooling seriously and our schedule is important to me.

 

(Afraid at what might come....) Advice?

[Jennifer3141]

Well, I call screen like crazy. When we're doing school, I only pick up if it's DH calling. Same with email.

 

If people are calling ahead of time, give them your schedule before they even ask.

 

This is our test year too. :)

 

Jen

[Jean in Newcastle]

First thing I would do is to stop answering the phone during school hours! Also- it depends what the "important reasons" are. If someone calls this morning and wants me to watch their darling daughter while they run to ER - then that is unexpected and important! If someone calls this morning and wants me to watch their darling daughter while they go to a pre-arranged doctor's appointment then I'm being taken advantage of. They could have planned better and found other childcare. Unless all your friends and family are very spur-of-the-moment people, it sounds like they should know about appointments, visits etc. in advance. Then you will need to decide: is this opportunity to see or serve my friends and family a higher priority than school? If it is, then can I rearrange our school day for that day? Can I take school with us? If I'm watching someone, can I just include them in our school?

[iquilt]

I have worked on this slowly over the past year, knowing that school would be more involved this year and trying to set a precedent. I've had to change the way I do things by having a regular schedule that others know about in advance. For example, I used to watch a friend's toddler (same age as mine) in the morning while she took her older places; now I've said no several times and made it clear that we school in the mornings (even if it happens to be one of those weird ps holidays or teacher workdays) and if she really needs my help to schedule it for another time. I do allow for flexibility by starting earlier (we started 3 weeks ago) so that we can take more time if needed; plus I make sure my family and in-laws know when we school. Most of our friends are on the ps schedule so I try to keep that schedule in mind to set playdates with friends we don't get to see very much, but otherwise we stick to our schedule.

 

I have also found that leaving the home phone set on voice mail while we are working is a huge help. We have had fairly recent problem with a lot of door to door solicitors, so we now have a sign on the front door and we do not answer to strangers. HTH

[EKS]

I simply don't schedule things in the morning. Period. When people ask if I can be a little flexible I say no. Every time. I know I sound like a compusive nut but every time I've been flexible it has taken days to get back on track. For some very tightly scheduled subjects it can evem mean that we run into summer or do something on a weekend or during a scheduled vacation. Then I get from the people who are wanting me to be flexible complaints that my children are overscheduled with respect to their school work! Grrr!

 

At first saying no will be uncomfortable and people will probably be miffed. But after a while they will get the point that you simply aren't available during school time. Ever. It will also likely get easier as your children get to be the traditional school age. Right now people might think that you're just "playing school". Even though you're not.

[EKS]

Same here--I only answer if it is my husband or someone important is calling me back--like the doctor. Or if a family member is having medical issues I answer if I know it is about that (we have elderly parents, some of whom have serious medical problems). Everyone else can wait. I treat it as though it is a traditional job.

[dcjlkplus3]

I also have family where I am the one they ask to babysit. I usually try to give them options. For example, if my sister needs me to watcht he kids so she can go to the doctor. I don't just usually say okay. if the time she asks won;t work, I'll say 'can you reschedule for the afternoon, then I would be happy to watch the girls for you'. Sometimes I also have to say no. "I've already had to reschedule a few things this week and we really need to get some school done. If you give me a little more notice next time, I can arrange our schedule ahead of time".

Eventually they will come to realize that you do have a schedule. Also as your kids get more used to doing school (and older) they will be better able to do it different if things come up.

[JennW in SoCal]

First of all, there is no such thing as a homeschool test year. Every year is a test year because as the kiddos grow and change your homeschooling does too. So don't think of it as a test you have to pass -- either you are homeschooling or you aren't. That mindset might help you cope with all the interruptions you are facing, as you won't think "oh I can't handle this, therefore I'm failing the homeschool test".

 

About those interruptions. Just say no!! You don't have to explain it to anyone, not even grandparents, but just say "No, we can't do such and such today" or "no, today is not a good day, what about tomorrow?" Better yet, don't answer the phone, let the answering machine pick up. (I've never mastered that one, in all honesty,, but it is good advice nevertheless!:D)

 

I personally don't believe that daily school time is essential at this age. Your little warrior is a sponge and will soak up everything, whether it comes in the form of school or just through playtime or cuddle time with books. Don't feel like you have to prove that you can do school 5 days a week in order to pass the homeschooling test year! After 8 years of homeschooling and now with a high school and middle school student, and there are days we throw in the towel and go out for lunch and a movie!

 

You don't selfish at all, but sound like a nice person who needs to realize you can say no and STILL be that nice person! Hope that helps :001_smile:

[Parrothead]

First off let everyone know that you are doing school between X:00 and X:00. Tell them that you will not be answering the phone between those hours. They are welcome to leave a message and you'll get back to them or they can wait to call when you aren't doing school.

 

If I read your post correctly, you are willing to change your schedule for your mom but not your in-laws. I'd suggest rethinking this. It may end up causing many more problems than you want to handle.

 

When your family comes to visit do they stay at your house or get a room? If they get a room insist that they do shopping or sight seeing between the hours that you are doing school. If they are staying with you, you'll have to insist that they either be quiet and not disturb you guys or sit in during school or possibly do some substitute teaching for you.

 

When your friends call to change plans that interfere with your schedule tell them that you are sorry that you'll miss Activity X and you hope they have a great time. Soon enough they will figure out that your schedule is important to you.

[Rosy]

I think you have to do what's best for your family and there's nothing wrong with saying you're not available, screening calls, etc. Homeschoolers/SAHMs aren't the rest of the world's built-in babysitter! :)

 

That said, I wouldn't get too hung up on a schedule with a Pre-K kid (unless there's a reason you have to). It's good for them to have relationships with family/friends and not necessary to have an extended structured learning time every day. PLEASE don't make this the year that makes or breaks your decision to homeschool--it gets way easier (in my opinion) when they can read and work independently and you're not having to sit and work with them every step of the way.

[elegantlion]

I do not answer the phone during school time, except for dh. I do not schedule appointments during school time. I consider homeschooling a job in that sense and hey people, I'm at work.

 

It sounds like you are trying to discipline yourself and that is a good thing. The first couple of months we homeschooled I had no set schedule. I would chat with my friend (blush) who also homeschooled. Ds would ask when we were starting school. "As soon as mommy gets off the phone." It started creating discipline problems and dh told me in no uncertain terms we needed a schedule. At the pre-k level your dc may not balk, but if you continue to allow interruptions it can create issues down the line.

 

It is also easier for families to take homeschooling seriously, if you do. :D

 

Have fun with pre-k! That's a beautiful age.

[gandpsmommy]

I think you have to do what's best for your family and there's nothing wrong with saying you're not available, screening calls, etc. Homeschoolers/SAHMs aren't the rest of the world's built-in babysitter! :)

 

That said, I wouldn't get too hung up on a schedule with a Pre-K kid (unless there's a reason you have to). It's good for them to have relationships with family/friends and not necessary to have an extended structured learning time every day. PLEASE don't make this the year that makes or breaks your decision to homeschool--it gets way easier (in my opinion) when they can read and work independently and you're not having to sit and work with them every step of the way.

 

:iagree:

[Ferdie]

I agree with the other posts. I don't answer the phone during school hours. We have voicemail so people can leave a message. If someone trys to schedule something before 2:00, I just tell them we can't make it because my kids are in school-period. For neighbor kids (and my neighbors-LOL) I have a sign on our front door that says: Stop. School in session. Please come back later.

 

We follow the ps schedule, but start school a week early so we can take time off for birthdays and out of town guests.

 

This is one battle I would keep fighting because school is much easier when your kids are fresh.

[TraciWA]

Sounds like you have been given very good advice.

 

My advice for you is to guard your time wisely. For me if I get off track in the morning it is near impossible to get anything done in the afternoon.

 

You will find that most people will try and schedule things (i.e. piano lessons, dr appointments) in the a.m. Don't let them. Your time to school is not their time. They will say, well it is because you homeschool. So you have more time in the day. Not! Your time to school is just as precious as the ps time. I tell people I am not available until after about 2:30.

 

Don't answer your phone. Turn the ringer off! If you have a cell phone, have your dh call you only on that. That way you will know that if you do get a call it is your husband. It takes more time to get the kids back on track with each interruption.

 

Just be firm. Keep the vision you have for your school day in your mind. People will eventually get a clue that just because you are "home" you are not available.

 

Don't feel guilty for saying no! Your kids are too important.

[Pajama Mama]

You need to let people know that your priority is your family and their schooling. Of course, if it's an emergency, you can help out a neighbor or family member. But no, you can't watch their kids just because it's Columbus Day. I've been there-it will be Columbus Day, Election Day, In Service Days, etc... Just say no. Give no reason except that you are schooling. If you give someone a reason like... "your kids will distract my kids"...you get assurances that the kids will be on mute all day long...yeah right.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about schedules with preschoolers. But even with a loose schedule, you don't need the distractions of phone calls, knocks at the door, etc This can be the year that you get everyone else on board with your schedule(friends, family, neighbors, etc). If you are consistent in the beginning with others, you may not have as much of a problem at a later date.

[H.S. Burrow]

:grouphug: To you. I understand your frustration. This Fall marks the beginning of our 3rd year of homeschooling. I am hoping for an uneventful year.;)

 

Our first year, we had to deal with unexpected family issues that involved our traveling 5 hours each way to help deal with.

Our second year, we moved.

 

These are the kinds of things that you must be flexible for.

 

I agree with a previous post that says you may find yourself being taken advantage of. Our first year, we had NO family anywhere near us. So sticking to a schedule was fairly easy even though it was a difficult year.

 

Our second year began 3 weeks after we moved into the same neighborhood as my mom AND my in-laws. I had to create a schedule and give it to them because...hmmm...I was "at home" therefore that meant I was doing "nothing" and could drop my "nothing" at their convenience.

 

Creating the schedule made a tremendous difference. I also put any practice schedules that kids are involved in on it...soccer, swim, basketball, 4-H, park day with homeschool group, etc....so that everyone knows that Tuesday is not a day that I can rearrange things on.

 

NOW, if something not so important comes up (FIL is out of town & MIL needs to take the car to be serviced...can I follow and take her home?) they all call *before* they schedule the appointment/tune-up/etc... to see what time I can help.

 

You may also - guessing here - be dealing with folks who are thinking that:

 

 

 

"they're in pre-k...what could they possibly be doing?"

 

and you may have to actually show your family & friends *what* you are doing for school for them to take you and your efforts seriously.

 

 

Or they could be thinking,

 

"it doesn't take all day for pre-k....ABC preschool down the road has a morning session and an afternoon session, so she can help me in the morning and school this afternoon."

 

 

If you are the first in your family to homeschool, you may need to allow time for your family to understand *what* you are doing. Also, if you have previously been available to help at the drop of a hat, it may take awhile for your family/friends to adjust to your new responsibilities....this is where presenting a schedule can help.

 

:grouphug:again and I hope you get the answers you need.

[Guest]

I wouldn't worry too much about schedules with preschoolers. But even with a loose schedule, you don't need the distractions of phone calls, knocks at the door, etc This can be the year that you get everyone else on board with your schedule(friends, family, neighbors, etc). If you are consistent in the beginning with others, you may not have as much of a problem at a later date.

 

I agree with you all that this is a very loose time, but I do want to start now so that we don't have problems later on. Mom needs to learn discipline more than anything else, I think. :)

 

Thank you all for your input - phone will be off during school from now on! I've also emailed a 2008-2009 schedule to out of town guests, telling them that here's our schedule and if their travel plans are flexible and could coincide with our school schedule, that would be great for us. (If not, I'll deal.)

 

Well, I guess I'll go play candyland with DS - we had a bad morning and didn't get to school today. LOL.

[8filltheheart]

I agree that the best approach is to state that you are doing school from x to y. I would make it firm. My mil did not understand that when we first started homeschooling and then got upset with me b/c I never wanted to talk to her (that was back in the days before we had caller ID and answering machines!) I wasn't rude.....I actually believe she was b/c she wouldn't respect my position. Now, I only answer the phone for dh, oldest ds at college, and drs offices. Everyone else can leave a message.

 

Anyway, I would simply tell her we were doing school and I would be happy to talk to her after y.

 

Though........and I say this very gently........it could be that they are having a hard time understanding it b/c it is preschool. Preschool isn't really the equivalence of school in many people's minds (mine included ;) ) That does not give people the right to not respect your wishes. I might approach it more formally and just tell people that you are unavailable during those hours b/c you are previously engaged. :)

[Cheryl in NM]

I agree with others: don't answer the phone/door/email during school time. If my mom calls I answer and quickly tell her that we having classes and I'll call her back. I do this because she has health issues and I want to make sure she's okay. I always answer for dh.

 

Your homeschooling comes before everything but emergencies. Someone elses lack of planning is not your emergency. You have to carve out this time for yourself and let everyone in your life know that they cannot encroach on it.

 

Just because you are home all day doesn't mean that you are available to others to do their bidding. You need to decide what you are willing to allow. You might need to miss some of things that need to be re-scheduled. Why is everyone else's schedule more important to you than yours? Or a better way of putting it: Why is everyone else's schedule more important than your child's?

 

ETA: The flexibility of homeschooling is great, but it's for me to use as I see fit and as it fits in with my immediate family's needs. Flexibilty is not a buzz word that means let everyone else walk all over you.

 

Think of homeschool time as your child's time. It's easier to let someone take advantatge of me, but mama bear comes out when they try to take advantage of ds.

 

HTH. You've recieved alot of good advice! You can do this; just be strong and stick to your decisions.

[dragons in the flower bed]

Find friends who are not morning people?

 

It will probably take the whole test year for friends and family to realize you are seriously, actually, not available during schooltime. Screen your calls, and only pick up if it involves life, death, or more than $200, and you can't deal with it after schoolwork.

[Jacquelyn in NC]

:iagree: with just about everything that's been said.

 

I don't live around family, so I don't have a lot of the last minute interruptions that others here have talked about. Some of the hardest situations I've had recently have been other homeschooling families, believe it or not. There are so many good opportunities available for hs families in my area, and everyone wants their friends to be involved in their favorite activities. I've had several things presented to me recently as, "It's only one morning a month; it's worth it!" The problem is, too many "one mornings a month" will nickel and dime my entire school time away from me. It's been hard to pick what I think will benefit us the most and say no to the rest, but so far I've been sticking to my guns.

[Aubrey]

i know exactly what you mean. First it's "just preschool," then it's "just kindergarten." Then it's "just one day," or he's "so far ahead anyway..."

 

And I get that the requests are important. You can stop answering the phone during school hrs, but that doesn't solve the problem of requests made in advance. Important requests. That you could say no to, but everybody knows you don't have a boss to answer to, & it would seem heartless, esp when it's one time, 5 min, whatever.

 

Mil has a week off, so she wants to take the dc to lunch. Which is fine, except she reschedules. Which is still fine, because you generally try to finish by lunch, but she calls to iron out the details 3 times over 2 mornings & then arrives early, & assures you that she'll "sit over here & wait." Like the dc are going to sit still for that. Or take just the littles. Like the big ones are going to go for that!

 

So, I understand. I'm starting my 4th yr (if you incl K), & I have no advice. Sorry. Anticlimactic, huh?

[KatieJ]

As a veteran homeschooler who survived all the interuptions and all the neighbors who wanted me to sit their kids on Columbus Day and be the emmergency contact for the school when their kid was throwing up...

I discovered those same folks who think you can drop your life to help them out are the same folks who will criticize you if they don't think you are beng serious enough about school at home.

So..yes, it is a balancing act to be flexible enough to visit Grandma when she comes to town, but yet show them this isn't a whim you are on this year. Cuddoes to you for trying to set those boundaries ahead of time and all you wonderful advice givers are just awesome! What a huge blessing you are to all those who ask questions.

[A.J. at J.A.]

One answer....ANSWERING MACHINE.

 

If you don't answer their call, you can't change plans. We just don't answer the phone when we're schooling. We "protect" the mornings & afternoons for schooling. I know it's hard, but if you start now, you will "train" them for the future.

 

Hugs,

Angela

[Happy]

Let me just say this...

 

I had this problem waaaaay before having kids and homeschooling.

 

I started my own business from home at 22. Previous to that, I'd been the favorite auntie to my niece and nephew. Their parents (dh's brother and sis in law) got to calling an hour before they left somewhere asking me to babysit. Several times a week. Without pay.

 

Finally, I said no.

 

That was hard and caused some hard feelings for a while until the business began to gain ground. Having business cards, a price list, and clients helped my credibility, I guess.

 

Set your boundaries, but not in stone. Remember time with family is important. After a year or so, everyone will have begun to adjust to your new schedule.

[A.J. at J.A.]

watch their kids during our schooltime, even if it's for an important reason. (Which everyone seems to have.)

 

 

This is just rude in my opinion. Just say "no" and you don't have to give an excuse. "No, I'm sorry, I'm not available."

 

I know it's hard, but it is very important to set the precedent now.

 

Hugs,

Angela