A Parenting What Should I Do...

[*Lulu*]

I am very sorry for all the mishaps you ladies have had to fix, but they are making me laugh. :laugh:

 

I will share that I once tossed a dishtowel onto a hot stovetop and didn't realize it until the smoke started. I also left an entire container of ice cream out on the counter and it melted everywhere- a brand new full box of ice cream. Yuck! I drive over curbs often too- once when I was in my 20's I dented a rim. :blush5:

Well if we are confessing to our adult judgement lapses......

 

In the past 5 years I have managed to :

 

Set a potholder on fire

Hit our house with our car (love tap, really)

Break the kitchen blinds

Burn myself badly enough to leave a scar, twice

 

Not to mention all the nights we've eaten Pb sandwiches or Sonic because I either forgot to buy a critical component of the evening meal or forgot to ever even take it out of the freezer to thaw. (Personal best was the Sunday I put the entire meal in the crock pot, but failed to turn it on. Contrary to DH's belief, it is not all a ploy on my part to evade cooking. :P )

[LucyStoner]

(Personal best was the Sunday I put the entire meal in the crock pot, but failed to turn it on. Contrary to DH's belief, it is not all a ploy on my part to evade cooking. :P )

My grandmother was a WWII bride who had 9 babies between 1943 and the early 1960s. She was not super inclined to the culinary arts and adopted new convenience foods with gusto, most especially to replace things like baking and canning. After a few months of buying frozen pies rather than making them homemade, my grandfather started asking and asking for a homemade pie. She made some apple pies from scratch. He sat down to eat a slice. He got an odd look on his face and said "it's a good pie but what did you add new this time?" They realized the pies all had chili powder instead of cinnamon. My grandfather, being both a pie person and having been literally a starving orphan as a child, ate every single bite of those pies over the next week or so. After that he never said another word about the frozen pies and she never, ever made another homemade pie. To her dying day she maintained this was a pure accident but none of her kids were ever quite sure. ;)

[Jeannie in NJ]

LucyStoner, you had one smart grandma.

[MomatHWTK]

:smilielol5:

[katilac]

Hit our house with our car (love tap, really)

My dh did this, AND his truck has one of those "you are about to hit something" beepers!!

[*Lulu*]

My dh did this, AND his truck has one of those "you are about to hit something" beepers!!

Except I hit it with the front of my vehicle, not the back.

 

I couldn't even claim the whole, "reverse is not my best gear" defense.

 

*sigh*

[swellmomma]

The issue over the fence actually all I could think was good girl, she took ownership and responsibility of it.  Yes she should have told you guys but I don't get the impression she was purposefully hiding it, she wouldn't have written the note for it then.  I do think she likely forgot about it and I honestly think you are over reacting and over punishing for something that was a)not a big deal imo, b) that happened 10 days ago and c) that she took ownership of.  I do see that there is a concern about a pattern of behaviour and can see responding to that, and continueing with seeing the psychologist, but beyond that I think it will be more detrimental to keep her home from camp etc over this incident because honestly I would be praising my kid for stepping up.  As for where she would get the money, if it came to that she would be out mowing lawns, picking bottles or doing chores for that neighbor to pay it off.  She took ownership, apologized and offered to make it right.  I do not understand punishing for that.  I understand your concern is the lack of communication but really over this incident I would give a reminder and drop it.  Kids lose their brains when they hit puberty that is where the poor judgement comes in, But she didn't do anything inherently wrong imo, and the level of punishing you are doing over it is going to a)push her to keep even more things to herself, b) push her to hide wrong doings rather than stepping up and correcting them.

If she had rammed her bike into the fence and knocked it down and then lied about it I could see being that upset, but I do not understand the level of it for this instant, despite the pattern of behaviour that is developing, I do not think this one officially fits the pattern. 

I was that furious when ds broke into a business.  He gave back the money immediately, and it has taken him 3 years to earn enough money to replace the broken window( I do not have the means to replace it myself), the last $3 towards it was covered with today's paycheque.  I remember being so furious with him I wanted to put him on permanent lock down.  Knocking over a makeshift gate, apologizing and offering to fix it wouldn't even hit my radar, beyond proof that I was raising a responsible, mature young person.

[Mommy22alyns]

She sounds like a pre-teen to me, and her actions are typical of almost anyone navigating the hormones.  (If I did anything, it would be making her fix the gate.)

 

If it were me, I'd give her a break, no punishment and just keep a closer eye on things. 

 

Now as a mom of two older teens, please know it is going to get worse.  The air head/fog is par for the course; as a parent we just do our best to love and teach them through it.  The good news is, they do regain use of the brains again, but it doesn't happen overnight.  I think this is your oldest and many moms expect so much more of them than their younger siblings; you will be a lot more experienced as the others enter the pre-teen and teen years. 

 

Oh joy.   :huh:   Thanks for the voice of experience!

[Paige]

I feel kind of bad piling on here when everyone has already mentioned that the fence thing should be no big deal. I agree- I don't see what the big deal is. Kids forget...I forget things too and I appreciate a little grace and a "no big deal," from others when I forget. I also agree that the books are no big deal. If you said it's nothing bad, then why even have the rule that she can't read it? I can't imagine caring if my 11yr old read Life of Pi.

 

Mostly, I'm chiming in to say that I'm afraid if you continue responding to her in this manner and not allowing her to have more independence, freedom, and grace, then you will be creating the problem that you are so fearful of. She doesn't sound especially sneaky or deceitful now. If you get upset over minor things, however, and don't trust her to have more freedom, then most preteens would respond by becoming more sneaky. She makes a mistake and wants to take care of it- great! Then she thinks to herself, "I am not going to tell mom. I don't want to deal with the drama." Similarly, there's a party with some girls...is she going to tell you? I'm guessing as she gets older, she'll likely decide that she won't because she doubts you'll trust her to go and she thinks it's no big deal so she'll just say she's going to a friend's house- not a party. Or, even worse, you'll get what you want. She'll come to you for everything. She'll doubt her ability to handle things and doubt her own instincts, and then you'll end up with a scared and helpless 18yr old who is pretty darn useless.

 

My advice? Apologize to her for over reacting, take yourself to the psychiatrist with her to deal with your anxiety, and try to give her room to grow, room to succeed, and room to make some mistakes.

[unfrumpable.]

Well if we are confessing to our adult judgement lapses......

 

In the past 5 years I have managed to :

 

Set a potholder on fire

Hit our house with our car (love tap, really)

Break the kitchen blinds

Burn myself badly enough to leave a scar, twice

 

Not to mention all the nights we've eaten Pb sandwiches or Sonic because I either forgot to buy a critical component of the evening meal or forgot to ever even take it out of the freezer to thaw. (Personal best was the Sunday I put the entire meal in the crock pot, but failed to turn it on. Contrary to DH's belief, it is not all a ploy on my part to evade cooking. :p )

This just reminded me to get the ham out for tomorrows soup. Thank you. :)

[*Lulu*]

This just reminded me to get the ham out for tomorrows soup. Thank you. :)

You are most welcome. B)

[TeacherZee]

You are most welcome. B)

 

Yeah since reading this thread I've remembered to turn off the oven both after dinner last night and lunch today :)

[annandatje]

What should you do?  Pat yourself on the back for a job well done!  Relax and loosen the reins on her; she's up to it. 

[kroe1]

This is just an example to me of how we are all much different parents with different expectations. I would have been so excited about my kiddo writing a nice note, that I would have given her a big hug. Likewise on the baking initiative, I would be excited my kiddo was making his own snack. Neither of those things would be considered bad at our house. We have plenty of our own expectations, however, that most people do not have.

[QueenCat]

I feel kind of bad piling on here when everyone has already mentioned that the fence thing should be no big deal. I agree- I don't see what the big deal is. Kids forget...I forget things too and I appreciate a little grace and a "no big deal," from others when I forget. I also agree that the books are no big deal. If you said it's nothing bad, then why even have the rule that she can't read it? I can't imagine caring if my 11yr old read Life of Pi.

 

Mostly, I'm chiming in to say that I'm afraid if you continue responding to her in this manner and not allowing her to have more independence, freedom, and grace, then you will be creating the problem that you are so fearful of. She doesn't sound especially sneaky or deceitful now. If you get upset over minor things, however, and don't trust her to have more freedom, then most preteens would respond by becoming more sneaky. She makes a mistake and wants to take care of it- great! Then she thinks to herself, "I am not going to tell mom. I don't want to deal with the drama." Similarly, there's a party with some girls...is she going to tell you? I'm guessing as she gets older, she'll likely decide that she won't because she doubts you'll trust her to go and she thinks it's no big deal so she'll just say she's going to a friend's house- not a party. Or, even worse, you'll get what you want. She'll come to you for everything. She'll doubt her ability to handle things and doubt her own instincts, and then you'll end up with a scared and helpless 18yr old who is pretty darn useless.

 

My advice? Apologize to her for over reacting, take yourself to the psychiatrist with her to deal with your anxiety, and try to give her room to grow, room to succeed, and room to make some mistakes.

 

Well said!