I think Instagram is making my dd miserable (yeah, okay, probably a JAWM), teen job search angst.

[Seasider]

We are a family with a tight budget. Three tuition bills for higher education right now mean little available for extras. We are also the sort that encourages our kids to get a job, they have to pay their own phone bills and auto instance bills. My sons have had no trouble enthusiastically finding jobs and getting on the ball with things.

 

Dd, on the other hand, is dragging around the house like a persecuted victim. She has made applications in a number of places, but has passed on a number of places saying she really couldn't stand to work at thus and such place.

 

It is no help that the girls in most of her circle of acquaintances are treated like princesses. They don't have to get jobs (though a few babysit now and then), their families provide cars, phones from a young age, generous wardrobe allowances, and at this time of the year, some pretty neat summer vacations. All of this is photo journaled for all to see via Instagram.

 

I don't mean to offend anyone who provides all those lovely things for her kids - we just can't and she knows it. She also knows full well why we can't - the tuition at her private school is what we can do for her now. It has us in a financial stranglehold (but is the best educational choice for my older kids, so dropping that is not an option).

 

If I had the $$$ to give more to my dd, I probably would. We would at least enjoy a shopping trip or lunch out every once in a while. But even then it wouldn't be carte blanche. It's this attitude I can't stand, the whole "woe is me I'm so bored, what do we have planned today," like I am the cruise director and should have planned an excursion every summer day (honey, i would LOVE to, but a vacation and Days of Fun Activities are not in the budget!). That progresses into "I need a jooooooobbb" without the willingness to pursue it aggressively. DH and I cannot offer suggestions without "putting too much pressure" on her. We have offered to take her anywhere she needs to go to apply. We have helped her complete a couple of applications online. She just doesn't seem to have the desire to put in as many applications as it takes a first time teen job seeker to actually land something.

 

Come July 1, she'll have to turn in her phone to her dad if she can't come up with the money (a very reasonable amount that would be easy to pay with even the smallest part time job). He thinks that is the only thing that will get her motivated. I have given her a couple of projects she can do for me for pay, but dh says no more of that until she does regular chores first without griping about it.

 

And... there's instagram. Seeing all the beautiful scenery of mountains, beaches and foreign country destinations, big city lights and amusement parks, restaurant fun, shopping sprees, souvenir hauls... It's even depressing to me! I know she feels like everyone else has fun but us.

 

Okay, just a vent I guess. Can you tell she is driving me crazy? Truth be told, she is a delightful girl and would be a great employee. She just needs to get her foot in the door somewhere and her eyes off her self.

 

Am I the only one feeling this kind of pain? How are your teens doing with the job hunts?

[xixstar]

I hear ya. My teen has had no luck getting a job but also lacking in places to apply for too since we're a little more rural and 15 minutes from town. But her friends have jobs and money to do things. It causes strife, especially with her home with nothing to do all summer. I'm tired of it but don't have a magic wand to get her a job either.

[scholastica]

Have you considered having her volunteer somewhere? Preferably someplace where she can see people who have life far worse than she does. (Soup kitchen/food pantry, homeless shelter, subsidized preschool, etc.) She can pick up some skills and at the same time appreciate how much she already has.

 

scholastica

[Skadi]

Until she finds a job, she should be required to volunteer 20 hours per week. A homeless shelter would be my top choice. She desperately needs some perspective.

[bettyandbob]

Volunteering would give her contacts and references for a job.

 

[NicAnn]

I know this is a JAWM thread, but I've been dealing with teenagers all week and I'm crabby. Can you just delete Instagram, FB or whatever else? I cannot believe the amount of time these kids spend taking pictures and hashtagging everything. If I hear "hash tag poolside" one more time I'll break every phone I see! But seriously, we don't allow that in our house and it has really seemed to make an easier life for us, compared to my cousins I am venting about up post.

 

My own 17 year old is volunteering this summer. Animal rescue and food bank. In the fall he will be doing work study on campus. He is also setting up wifi and basic computer jobs for the the retirement community down the street. I'm hoping one of these things will provide some direction.

 

Good luck!!

[Sisyphus]

Aw, I can sort of relate (commiserate?). We live in a Tony area...but with our one income family, our income is quite a bit below the average here. We are well fed, have housing, we have SO much, I get that...but I fall victim to the "green eyed monster" not for new kitchen counters or a nicer car, but for opportunities for my kids. Sometimes it physically hurts that I can't provide the wealthy, new cars, huge parties, Europe trip type of lifestyle for my kids their peers all seem to have. Not to mention the music lessons, dance lessons, tutors and hefty alumni contributions....

 

Here is hoping the job hunt looks up, and like i try to do, remind her that work ethic is something you can't put a price on.

[Seasider]

Thanks, friends. I agree with you on the volunteering, and she has a project through her school that she can be busy with beginning in August, it will definitely open her eyes to some less well off than we are. I definitely agree that she needs a widened perspective. We do some food bank volunteering as a family, but not often enough, and in that role have no face time with the beneficiaries, we just work behind the scenes.

 

I would love to delete all that social media. She actually does okay with it, and when she posts, her things are always witty and relational - don't know if that makes sense, but it's not the same kind of "look at me and all my great stuff" that seems to be a lot of the incoming feed. Also, there are some gems of wisdom that come through from certain folks and she needs that kind of encouragement. So while we try to put it in its proper place, there's not a good way to eliminate it without making her feel cut off from her friends in another way. To be clear, her friends are good people. They just happen to be good people with lots more disposable income than we have.

 

I think I will see if I can stir up a couple of service projects in the meantime. Thanks for the idea.

[Rebecca VA]

I would severely limit the amount of time your daughter spends on her computer or phone. At our house, our 16-year-old cannot take the phone upstairs -- she has to use it in the main part of the house (kitchen, breakfast room, living room). She has to leave it with us at night. She doesn't have a computer upstairs. If I see that she's had too much screen time, I find other things for her to do.

Doesn't your daughter want new clothes and other goodies that cost money? She needs to learn that a paycheck means more *stuff* for her. It's not a disgrace to work. My daughter has two jobs right now, both at fast food places. She also babysits every chance she gets. I'm amazed at how well she has taken to the world of work, because she's lazy around the house. If the lure of having money of her own to spend is causing her to develop a work ethic, so be it. She's getting great experience.

If your daughter doesn't want to actually work, could she put her energy into learning a new skill? Maybe something like bookkeeping or fine cooking, something that isn't taught in her school? Knowledge is power.

If I were you, I would put even *more* pressure on your daughter. I have to put pressure on mine quite a bit. She kicks and screams (not really) about it, but she's almost always glad afterward that I made her do what she didn't want to do.

[katilac]

I would not have a tremendous amount of patience for a teen declaring that they "couldn't stand" to work at certain places. If you can get a job that you prefer - great! Good for you. If you can't? You can stand anything, honey.

 

I think your dh is 100% correct about taking her phone away if she doesn't pay, because she is not doing her best to be able to pay.

 

Personally, I wouldn't blame social media for any part of this. It didn't exist back in the dark ages when I went to high school, but I promise you I still knew when my friends took a cool vacation, ate at a pricey restaurant, or spent the weekend poolside. That's life, y'know?

[Liz CA]

I never had a daughter...so you may disregard this post and go straight to the next. I have raised a son, though.

Can I just give your daughter the benefit of the doubt? Is she perhaps scared to step out into the world? It is a scary place, more so for some teens than others. I think the suggestion of volunteering is an excellent one. Brainstorm with her where she would like to help. Do you have a therapeutic riding program nearby? Can she read to those in nursing homes that lost their sight?

Once she is out there and realizes that she will not be eaten alive, she will likely develop confidence - the kind that will get her a job. She will also find out things about herself as she stretches herself in her volunteering job.

 

I know the volunteer position will not pay for her phone. But she would not be the first one who gets a job by volunteering somewhere first.

As far as the comparisons and FB, Instagram and who knows what else go, I would gently suggest she has 2 choices here: not to open every post but if she cannot help herself and wants to see it, she cannot complain that she is not cruising in the Bahamas. :)

[happi duck]

Volunteering to see that one has it good sort of misses the mark and can set up a "my life is better than theirs" situation. Comparing life situations is the original issue so...I don't know how to explain myself. I guess it just seems like it would just perpetuate that what you have is defining in some way.

 

Just my (possibly incoherent) two cents...

[bettyandbob]

I wanted to add about volunteering. Most schools now require volunteer hours for graduation. National Honor Society requires volunteer hours, other things associated with school require volunteer hours. So you might want to check the requirements of the school and organizations associated with school that your dd is in. She may need the hours. I know my dd needs 25 by next spring. The easiest thing to do is a block in the summer. Last summer, she did all of them at a camp that serves children with disabilities (the same camp my ds attends).

 

Now, your dd may "friends" who are completing hours by doing an overseas mission trip or similar. You may hear "Susie is going to Costa Rica to count birds for xyz eco group..." Oh well it doesn't matter because you still have to earn the hours. Nature centers are great for kids interested in ecology. If she's interested in teaching there are daycare programs for low income children and look for adaptive sports programs--they always need people to help with participants who have disabilities.

 

My dd has volunteered with a rescue group as well. The years she put in with guinea pigs have been helpful. She's learned a lot from the adults involved, found a mentor for her interest in writing (completely unrelated to the animals, but a nice bonus from her interactions), and decided that being a veterinarian may not be the direction she wants to go even though she will keep hanging out with animals for fun.

 

dd is 15 now and has been hired as a lifeguard. But last year she put out fliers around the neighborhood (300 homes) to do pet sitting and plant care (not lawn mowing). She got quite a few jobs over the summer for people on vacation. This year, she did not advertise, but she has a couple of clients from last year that she will work for this summer as well.

[Rebecca VA]

Happi duck, I think I understand what you're saying. A volunteer should have a servant mentality. It shouldn't be an exercise in sociology, or a mental comparison of who is better off, or a chance to show off. It should be about stooping down to raise someone else up.

 

I have seen too many volunteers go at their work with the attitude of, "I'm going to help these poor people for five hours, then I'm going out drinking with my friends." It's very clear that their hearts are untouched. In fact, these volunteers are actually elevating themselves and congratulating themselves on their "compassion."

 

If the OP's daughter is so self-focused (no offense intended; we all know how teens can be) that she is mesmerized by her peers' flashy internet posts and ashamed to work at an honest job, she needs to suffer a little deprivation of her own. She needs to realize that hard work is what makes humanity function. She needs to see herself as a member of the food chain, not as Lady Bountiful.

[hillfarm]

It is tough when our children have to experience the hard realities of the big, wide world, isn't it? I think part of the discord I feel is because I don't like it much either when all my friends get to do something fun and I have to stay home and work. However...that is my lot in life and the sooner I can adjust and get on with it, the better and less painful it is for me.

 

Don't beat yourself up about not being able to provide every good experience for your dd. I have seen over the years that having to make your own way frequently results in much better character than having everything handed to you. Dd has one friend who has such a lifestyle and who has become a terrible braggart about it. She has had to cut off contact with the girl because every time they interact, the girl behaves so badly toward dd and others that dd is terribly tempted to say some things that would be better left unsaid.

 

I think it is a rite of passage for teens to learn that jobs are actually work (gasp!) and that most people don't have the luxury of landing their dream job right away. It can be a really eye opener to learn that it takes actual, hard work to pay for a cell phone or new clothes, etc. If not theirs, then that of their parents - somebody has to EARN it. I think another common discovery is that teens cut back dramatically on the number of things they have to have, when they are the ones required to work for those extras.

 

So IMO, you are providing your dd a valuable life lesson by not giving her a free ride any longer. Too many kids are never taught that the desires of their hearts must be earned, they do not just materialize or float up based on the sweat of someone else's brow. It is also important to learn that life is not fair and she will not be able to keep up with the Joneses. Better to learn these things at home, under your gentle guidance, than to come abruptly face to face with them when she is out on her own and the lessons are being taught by the harsh, cruel world.

[Jenny in Florida]

I see two things:

 

First, it does sound like finding an opportunity to volunteer might be a good step for your daughter, not to "give her perspective," but to get her out of the house and involved in the world. When my own daughter seemed stuck in limbo between graduating from college and getting that first job, we strongly encouraged volunteering or an internship of some kind. We told her it would not only get her out of the house, but give her something meaningful to put on her resume, as well as references and maybe an opportunity to learn some skills that might help her transition to paid work at some point down the line.

 

What my daughter did was to identify a skill she needed and then approach businesses that offered that kind of training and offer to work for free in exchange for training. She has a degree in theatre and a fair amount of vocal/music training, but realized her dance skills were weak. So, she wrote an e-mail introducing herself and explaining what she had to offer (good with kids, very organized, experience in the box office of her college's theatre, enthusiasm, etc.) and what she wanted in exchange (dance classes) and sent it off to every dance school in a 20-mile radius. Within a week, she had responses/offers from three studios. She picked one and made an agreement that had her working the front desk, learning office and retail skills, three afternoons a week and being allowed to take as many dance classes as she could fit into her schedule.

 

That was in August. By January, her dance skills had improved enough to land her a paid job as a character performer at a local resort. She worked both places for a few months in order to honor her committment to the dance school by finishing the academic year and seeing them through their recital. She now works nearly full-time at the resort. She was just promoted and is training for two new shows, which will get her more hours and a higher pay rate.

 

She is convinced that she would not have gotten the character job without the internship. Working at the dance school gave her a solid professional reference to include on her application, legitimate experience working in a kid-centered environment and the dance training necessary to pass the audition.

 

The second thing that jumped out at me, though, is to wonder if you might want to consider finding some ways to have fun this summer as more of a priority. We, too, operate on a budget that is tighter than many of the kids with whom my own regularly rub shoulders. And I do understand the feelings of envy/resentment/self-pity that can spring up now and then, for both teens and parents. And I'm not suggesting that you mortgage your home in order to finance a fancy vacation. But I do think taking time to enjoy the summer and each other can be healthy. I've lived literally from one coast (California) to the other (Florida), with stops in between, and I've never yet lived anywhere that didn't offer at least some options for free or very inexpensive recreation. No matter how tight our family's budget, we've never once endured a whole summer without "vacation-style" fun.

 

I don't know where you live, but can you sit down with your kids and brainstorm some things they would like to do that will fit into your budget? Then put them on your calendar, maybe one day a week or every other week. Pack lunches. Take advantage of free and disount days at local attractions. Find a swimming pool, lake or beach. Have some fun. Make some memories. Give your daughter a chance to take some "vacation" photos of her own? Not only might it improve her outlook on life right now, but I think it's an important lesson to learn that "fun" doesn't have to cost a ton of money.

[Seasider]

I never had a daughter...so you may disregard this post and go straight to the next. I have raised a son, though.

Can I just give your daughter the benefit of the doubt? Is she perhaps scared to step out into the world? It is a scary place, more so for some teens than others. I think the suggestion of volunteering is an excellent one. Brainstorm with her where she would like to help. Do you have a therapeutic riding program nearby? Can she read to those in nursing homes that lost their sight?

Once she is out there and realizes that she will not be eaten alive, she will likely develop confidence - the kind that will get her a job. She will also find out things about herself as she stretches herself in her volunteering job.

 

I know the volunteer position will not pay for her phone. But she would not be the first one who gets a job by volunteering somewhere first.

As far as the comparisons and FB, Instagram and who knows what else go, I would gently suggest she has 2 choices here: not to open every post but if she cannot help herself and wants to see it, she cannot complain that she is not cruising in the Bahamas. :)

 

Thank you for this, Liz CA. I think you've really hit the nail on the head. She's afraid of rejection, timid about applying and not being wanted. I think we all feel that to some degree, don't we? I don't know anyone who really enjoys the job hunt process. Being new at it, and having a timid temperament (before she gets to know a person) make this a big deal for her. I think, too, that she realizes it's sort of a life shift, kwim? Once she's out there working, the responsibilities only grow. Next thing you know she'll actually have to make a decision about college. I think with guys it's called Peter Pan/Neverland syndrome or something like that - apprehension about growing up. That's why I have tried not to be too hard on her. I am kind of trying to keep natural consequences in place (ie, when she runs out of her stash of pocket money and has to turn in her phone).

 

I do like the volunteering idea and while I do understand, as some of you have pointed out, that the heart has to be in the right place. Well, ya gotta start somewhere, don't ya? I can't see waiting around because I think her perspective is wrong. She needs to have the exposure and process that in her own mind. I am pretty sure she's capable of connecting the dots.

 

Jenny, thanks for the encouragement, sounds like your dd is doing well! I will share that idea with mine; she has hit a place where an honor organization requested service hours to apply and she just didn't have many to report. I will also see what I can do to carve out some fun money.

 

Thanks for your replies, everyone. It's a new day, and hopefully another chance to work this out.