Lisa in SC Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 I'm going to try to make this as short and coherent as possible, but am afraid it will be lengthy and possibly not as sensible as I would like, so my apologies in advance. I'm also on the iPad, so errors are just a given with me. Again, sorry. To give a brief background, they've been married 5 years, her husband is not a fan of any of us, and Mom is generally over the moon about all of us. My mom and her husband just left after an 11 day visit. They came for dd17's graduation and dd20's baby shower. Mom was remarkably rude and unlike herself the entire time. Her husband was rude as well, but it was his usual behavior so it was expected and "normal." Mom didn't hug us when they arrived (or any other time). She started arguments that were unnecessary and out of left field. She didn't congratulate dd on graduation day. Dd wasn't at the top of her class, but she was 7th in her class, and had a 4.96 cumulative GPA, which she worked darn hard to achieve. Mom picked at dh at our celebratory graduation dinner because she and her husband disliked the restaurant dd chose. Dd is a peacemaker, so she felt bad and got teary feeling she had ruined her grandmother's evening. Mom's husband announced at that point that he would never visit us again. Dh's birthday fell during their visit. They said his gift would be dinner for dh and me, pointedly looking at each of our children and loudly proclaiming "no children," at Olive Garden, because Olive Garden is what they wanted to eat. I know all about boundary setting, but I also knew that I needed to keep things relatively sane for the duration of the visit and was still in the midst of finalizing baby shower preparations, so we graciously agreed. We went to dinner and it was awkward, argumentative, and stressful. They got along with each other only, and seemed to be looking for offenses where there were none. The baby shower was more of the same. No compliments, only criticism. Mom did buy a very lovely, heirloom quality bassinet for dd and knitted a baby blanket. Dd was so excited about both and profusely thanked mom, hugged her and was over the top excited. Mom seemed pleased, but seemed more focused on whether everyone understood that Mom had done these things and Mom got the credit, if that makes sense. There was also one entire day when she focused her attention and criticism on me and repeatedly asked me what I was going to do with her money after she died. The big concern seemed to be was I going to blow it. She didn't want me to blow it. Those were her exact words. Repeatedly. I finally gently asked her when I had ever "blown" money. She had no answer. Finally, I witnessed a bizarre and potentially concerning exchange between them where she accused him of hurting her by hitting her elbow and then grabbing it and holding it even when she said he was hurting her. He dismissed it by saying he was holding it because he thought she was lying and was going to hit back because they were still newly weds and were being playful. I tried. Asking about it later, and she got angry with me. So...if you stuck with me this long...should I be concerned that Mom's health, mental or otherwise, is declining, her husband is rubbing off on her, her husband is manipulating her, or he's abusive and she's trying to cover it by pushing us away? I have no experience with this type of issue. ETA: there were countless other comments and gestures that all add up to an unbelievable level of rudeness. What I wrote above may not seem like a big deal to many, but I was trying to keep it brief. Other brief examples: comments on my older son's one pimple (how long has your skin been so AWFUL??), dd20's boyfriend and baby's father who left her (in my day, people did the NOBLE thing), and I could just keep going for literally 11 days... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 (((Lisa))) I can feel the pain in your post. This is hard for me to say and I don't want it hurt you but: My gut instinct is that your mom may be sick, with something potentially very serious and she is not dealing well with it. And that perhaps her new DH is pressuring her about what she leaves him when she dies vs what she leaves her kids and grandkids. I hope I am wrong and that maybe she is just had a very bad weekend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in SC Posted June 17, 2013 Author Share Posted June 17, 2013 Dear Lisa, I am not in any way a prepared counselor, so please take this for what it is worth. I have been told that whenever you see a sudden change in behavior or attitude, especially in a formed person (not talking teenage hormones here!), you probably have reason to be concerned. I smell a rat here. I won't tell my story because I don't want to derail, but I have experienced this type of sudden change in a friendship--I got dumped--and I'm pretty sure the dumper is being manipulated by a new friend who is increasingly isolating my friend from her long-standing friendships. I can't prove it, the friend lives far away, and I am no longer involved. But I do have my suspicions that there was manipulation involved. The question is: what can you do about it? (What can I, in my situation...) The "elbow holding" makes me hear ding-ding-ding--something is not right here. Right. The elbow holding is what made me start really smelling that rat scent too. You're right about what can I do about it? What *can* I do about it? Probably not a doggone thing, right? However, writing about it has brought another memory to the surface. About a year ago, Mom's husband left her for a week. Just packed a bag, told her he was leaving her and left. When he came back a week later, he told her he had left her because he was convinced she was having an online affair. My mother barely knows how to write an email and respond to one. She doesn't know how to use a search engine or even what to do with a URL. At the time I just thought it was another example of what an ass he is, but combined with the elbow? Now, I don't know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 She sounds very unhappy. Very very unhappy. All the guesses are on the table -- many have been mentioned (illness, mental illness, abuse, adopting perspectives from her DH, wills and inheritance issues). Other possibilities include - Some perceived 'slight' on a past visit that you did not 'make right' but that 'should have been obvious' - Some low level of consistent pain from a minor health issue that she is keeping from you for now, for her own reasons - A bad influence (other than her DH) who is re-framing her relationship with you from a negative outside perspective - Feeling torn between 'loyalty' expected by a husband and her own sense of wanting to 'defend' you-all, ending up making her stressed out anytime you-all (the defended ones) demonstrated to her DH how "he was right and she was wrong" - Are they perhaps entering retirement with less to live on than they anticipated? Notes: Since it started the moment of arrival, I think it's nothing you did on the visit -- it's something she has perceived/felt from a prior point in time. Something seems to be about the children... perhaps her 'legacy' is not to her tastes, and it's "your fault" for ruining it? DD is unmarried and pregnant, right -- so there's potential there. Does she have reasons (in HER eyes) of old-fashioned-ness to grouch about the others (ie tatoos, unwise college plans, edgy fashions, just plain noisy, etc?) This is personal, but are you perhaps making family planning decisions that are not to her tastes on either side of the coin? (Not that it should matter! I'm just poking various possibilities.) Honestly, I'm kinda leaning towards abuse. Which is scarey to you of course. I think it's more likely to be emotional abuse, manipulation, insults, gas-lighting, intimidation and control... possibly financial or other successful power plays by her DH -- not exactly wife battering, which was the only "real" abuse in her day. If so, it sounds less like she is trying to "cover it up" and more like she is "falling for it" by subordinating herself, surrendering her opinions, seeking his approval and generally trying desperately to behave in a way that makes him keep his 'enforcement' tactics in his pockets. (While living with the stress of knowing that his enforcement tactics are always there, just in case she puts a foot wrong.) In cases like that, a visit to "her" (disapproved) side of the family would be murderously stressful. (All of your mom's random lashing out fits this profile to me -- but I'm only "leaning" -- there isn't really a basis to jump to that as a conclusion.) I'd like more detail around some example-incident, if you care to provide it, since I might be able to sense a theme or something. And/or it would also help if you could go into a little detail as-to the event that came up to her DH announcing no further visits. ETA: With your last post, I'm going to add "constant accusations of infidelity" to the list of possible emotional abuse flags. I'll put some thought into "what can you do?" -- that's a hard one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in SC Posted June 17, 2013 Author Share Posted June 17, 2013 (((Lisa))) I can feel the pain in your post. This is hard for me to say and I don't want it hurt you but: My gut instinct is that your mom may be sick, with something potentially very serious and she is not dealing well with it. And that perhaps her new DH is pressuring her about what she leaves him when she dies vs what she leaves her kids and grandkids. I hope I am wrong and that maybe she is just had a very bad weekend. It's possible. She had tongue cancer 10 years ago ( never smoked), but called me right away and leaned on me the whole time. Her checks have come back clear each time. I suppose things couldchange, and she decided not to tell me due to her husband. It had occurred to me that he is pressuring her to write me out of the will entirely. It is her money to do with as she wishes. The only reason it would bother me is because it would go to him. I don't have dibs on it. She could give it to the Society for Mosquitos Who Can't Stop Sucking Blood for all I care. I just don't want him to get it because he's a penniless sleazeball. Really. I'm not just making that up. Just this visit he told me he has her buy him all sorts of thing she doesn't use or need simply because he wants them and can't buy them himself. He whites out the date on his deceased wife's handicapped hang tag for his vehicle and uses it to park in the handicapped parking spots. She has been deceased for over ten years. Btw, I don't ever use the word handicapped except in reference to the hang tags and parking spots. If I've offended anyone, I'm so sorry. Please tell me the proper terminology, and I will begin using it immediately. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparkle Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 Does she have any friends or relatives living by her that you could contact to see if they've witnessed similar behavior? I'd be curious to know if this is the way she is acting all the time, or just around you guys. Is it possible for you to go visit *her* for a few days, and see what she's like in her own home? If she seems to be persisting in this behavior, I'd think about contacting her doctor, and letting him/her know you are seeing symptoms of uncharacteristic behavior and ask his/her advice. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 Now, before I go too far, I want to say very clearly: not everything that *might* be abuse actually *is* abuse. I don't know if your mom is being abused. It's very very hard to know something like that when "you're" actually in the situation... far be it from me to come to such a dirastic conclusion based on so little information. However.. if YOU arrive at the idea that you thing abuse is probably a factor, here are some things you might be able to do about it (deending on your available time, money, and the distances of travel) Start sending care packages to her. Do this predictably such as every 2 months. Send photos, treat foods, books, trinkets, a personal letter, and a personal cheque in her own name (even if it’s small). Write mostly about yourself in a newsy personable voice. Handwrite it. Don’t visibly exclude her DH (“Love to you and Bob!â€) but the package should be about her, and the cheque to her alone. Call regularly, but briefly. Try to carry the conversation yourself with an upbeat chatty tone. Have a reason to ‘need to go in just a minute, but thought I’d drop you a line’ to keep it brief. Develop an interest in sociology and begin to volunteer at a women’s shelter or resource-place locally. Chat or write about it sometimes. Steadily and stealthily feed her the vocabulary regarding new views on abuse. Develop a caricature of pride surrounding women who notice that they are being mistreated, who reclaim their dignity by separation. Acknowledge how frightened they often are even when their spouse’s enforcement tactics seem minor sometimes. Make a space in your home, sufficient for a single person. Just a ‘guest’ room, but it sure is nice to have. Buy things for that room and mention it in your letters/chats to remind her that it is there. Develop a re-occurring reason to travel to her locality. Go there for your own “reason†and don’t stay with them. Do visit ‘while you are in the neighbourhood’. Resources permitting try to be ‘round there 2 to 4 times a year. Don’t be a bother, just carry on your own plan that happens to be in their locality. The above is a generic plan for anyone who is at-a-distance from someone they believe is under emotional abuse. I'm not "recommending" it... just providing information. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in SC Posted June 17, 2013 Author Share Posted June 17, 2013 I'd like more detail around some example-incident, if you care to provide it, since I might be able to sense a theme or something. And/or it would also help if you could go into a little detail as-to the event that came up to her DH announcing no further visits. ETA: With your last post, I'm going to add "constant accusations of infidelity" to the list of possible emotional abuse flags. I'll put some thought into "what can you do?" -- that's a hard one. Your reply was extremely thoughtful and helpful. Thank you very much! I'm going to address the incident leading up to his announcement of never visiting again. I'm unsure of what other types of incidents to include, so if you need more, please let me know what kinds of things would be most helpful. It happened at dd's graduation dinner. We went to an Italian restaurant where, if you have a party of 10 or more, you must order "family style." We had a party of 10. Mom and her husband are familiar with the restaurant and the policy. nevertheless, they immediately announced they were not going to order family style and would be ordering their own entrees from the separate menu. Dh good-naturedly reminded them of the policy. Both got very angry, and Mom said she would comply but her husband would not. I asked our server if an exception could be made, and he apologized, and said it could not. Dh relayed that information to Mom (the table was very long). Mom's husband then feigned a stomach ailment and said he could only eat soup. So, I asked the server if we paid the $40 family style charge for Mom's husband, could we then add soup for him. The server said of course we could do that. So, I leaned forward and got Mom's attention and told her I had rectified the situation, and her husband could have the soup. I never mentioned that we cheerfully paid $50 for one bowl of soup lol. It was at this point that her husband loudly proclaimed, "I will never come back to visit this family again!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 I'm so sorry, Lisa. You're getting great advice. Her husband sounds like horrible man. I'll keep your mom and you and your whole family in my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan C. Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 I'm wondering if the husband is constantly and deliberately feeding her misconstrued observations about you and your family. So everything you do (that isn't bad at all) will look bad to her and reinforce what he says. It gets the attention off of him and also isolates her and gets her to feel threatened and unloved by you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 I would definitely think something is off with the relationship with your mom and DH. She may be depressed and/or have anxiety. Do you have a good enough relationship with your mom that you could call her and say "Mom - I was really concerned about how stressed out you seemed while you were here. Is everything ok? If you need anything, just let me know." and leave the door open for her. There's only so much you can do with an unwilling adult, but I'd put it out there for her. I'd also call her on bad behavior immediately, especially in front of your kids. I wouldn't be bothered if my parents wanted to take DH and I out without kids. I enjoy that occassionally. But her other behavior does seem super rude to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 I'm not getting much from the soup incident -- I can't fathom what would be offensive about getting him what he wanted... I suppose what he wanted was his own entree... but sour-grapes-ing over food does not seem like a reason to reject 'people'... weird. I would have expected something more 'interpersonal'. Would you say that he found the food/accommodations of his visit not up to his (possibly inflated) standards? Kind of the way you would say, "We'll we won't be staying in this hotel again!" -- if things were adding up to be intolerably uncozy? Weird... Maybe he has health issues, and she is trying to "shelter" him, since he agreed to the hardship of coming along with her? Do you have a sense of her trying to protect his 'issues' and run interference to get him what he wants by *her* asking? Any other examples? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 Though there is nothing abusive going on, I have witnessed similar things in my own mother's remarriage. She is with him 24/7, 1200 miles away. His thoughts and words are a constant dripping in her ear. Long held ideas and interests of hers have changed over the last two years, and her money is being gleefully, frivolously spent. The estate my father left - including the intention to pass it on to his grandchildren - is virtually gone. In your situation, Lisa, there is the possibility of evil intent on the part of the new husband. Bolt had some great suggestions for you. Personally, I would do everything I could to fully investigate this man. See if there's anything in his past/present that clues you in his motives. His taking off for a week is extremely suspicious to me. If you have friends or other family near your mother's home, talk to them. They have either noticed similar unusual behavior, or can be on the lookout for it. So sorry this has happened to your family. It is heartbreaking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in SC Posted June 17, 2013 Author Share Posted June 17, 2013 I'm not getting much from the soup incident -- I can't fathom what would be offensive about getting him what he wanted... I suppose what he wanted was his own entree... but sour-grapes-ing over food does not seem like a reason to reject 'people'... weird. I would have expected something more 'interpersonal'. Would you say that he found the food/accommodations of his visit not up to his (possibly inflated) standards? Kind of the way you would say, "We'll we won't be staying in this hotel again!" -- if things were adding up to be intolerably uncozy? Weird... Maybe he has health issues, and she is trying to "shelter" him, since he agreed to the hardship of coming along with her? Do you have a sense of her trying to protect his 'issues' and run interference to get him what he wants by *her* asking? Any other examples? They only stay at Red Roof Inns and Best Westerns because those are the only hotels he likes. When Dad was alive, she enjoyed staying at hotels that were nicer than these (not saying these are bad, just explaining what she likes), and she can afford to do so. He will feign illness if the majority of the group chooses a restaurant he isn't familiar with or doesn't like. Later, if Mom tells him it was good, he will go and tell everyone how much he enjoyed it. He complains and sends back every entree he's ever served. It's too hot, too cold, too greasy, too....something. She enjoys authentic Chinese food, but the only Chinese food he will eat is in the food court in the mall, so she never is allowed to go where she likes unless she is allowed to visit me without him. He has an opinion about everything, but no one else is allowed to share an opinion. Reading is a waste of time. I was reading a book, and he told me I was wasting my life. Television should be viewed constantly without regard to anyone's preferences but his. Visits with family should last no longer than 20 minutes. He uses condescending tones to females and starts every statement with something along the lines of "Let me tell ya sum thin' m'dear..." complete with finger pointing. Dd plans to major in International Business. He laughed in her face and said, "let me know how that works out for ya." I did politely say, "We believe that our children can be successful in any field in which they enjoy and are willing to pursue with dedication and passion. We think encouragement and interest are much more helpful than discouragement as they walk the path to adulthood." I said it with a friendly tone and smile. He replied with an eye roll, a snort and a turned back. He criticizes my Mom's food choices at every meal. He will comment when he thinks she has "had enough." He decides what she should order, or, if there is a "complete menu for x price" option, he will tell her that is her only option. He decides what updates she's "allowed" to make in the home she owns. He retained ownership of his own home in a town 2 hours from the home where he and Mom live, which is the home she owns. His current campaign is to get her to purchase a new Toyota Yaris to leave at his home so when they drive her car to his home, he will have a car to drive too. He has no money of his own except for a small amount of social security and his smallish pension. No investments or savings. Mom has Dad's social security, pension, and also a monthly interest check from substantial investments. She's not super wealthy, but dad left her very taken care of when he passed away. If she doesn't let her husband ruin things, she should never have to worry about money, even in the event, God forbid, of lengthy illness or the need for long term care. These are all generalities, I realize, and I can give specific examples for each if they would be helpful. I'm just unsure which things, if any, are meaningful, and which things are just examples of an unpleasant individual. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 He sounds like a narcissist at best, a controlling abuser at worst. She may be acting the way she was with you so that things will go better for her when she is alone with him. I would quietly let her know that if she ever wants a safe place to come, that she has one with you. If he is that controlling though, I would not count on letters, e-mails or even phone calls to be totally private. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 He sounds pretty 'over the top' -- I think your mom is probably "suffering and sharing the pain" more than actually being unpleasant of her own accord. It honestly doesn't sound like a healthy marriage at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 It is permissible to ask uber rude guests to leave. (and to his statement of he'll never visit again, I'd simply reply - that's your choice. while thinking ' don't let the door hit you on the way out.) If this is typical of her husband, it sounds like he is rubbing off on her. perhaps she's just trying to keep the peace with him, or he's totally warped her perspective. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 after reading your update - I'd be trying to get her into a lawyer to protect her assets in case of a divorce or illness. for starters, she needs someone as PoA - and NOT him. let her know it is for her own good as he could easily leave her high and dry when he's decided she's outlived her usefulness to him - and take her to the cleaners for a share of her property. this is about making sure she has her assets for when she needs them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bzymom Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 I am so sorry you are going through this with your mom. My two cents is this: Assuming good physical health, living with someone who is bullying you, diminishing your belief in your own thoughts, opinions and choices, can destroy the core of who you once were. It creates a chaotic state of mind. If this guy is the piece of garbage he sounds like, I hope you and your family/siblings are able to protect your mother, but I realize it can be next to impossible to do so. Is there anyone she is still close to and might listen to in a private conversation? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 He sounds like a narcissist at best, a controlling abuser at worst. She may be acting the way she was with you so that things will go better for her when she is alone with him. I would quietly let her know that if she ever wants a safe place to come, that she has one with you. If he is that controlling though, I would not count on letters, e-mails or even phone calls to be totally private. I agree and I'd also say that her rudeness and unpleasantness towards your family may have been made in an attempt to shield you from him. If she was unpleasant/rude first, perhaps he wouldn't feel the need to do so himself and behave much worse than she did. Bolt has some wonderful advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 I smell a rat, too. An attic-full of them, in fact. Here is my own disclaimer, as well, for not being a trained professional. Also am providing my apology in case I am way off base. Sounds like an abusive marriage with OP's mother as the victim. I have experience with friends who have been in seriously bad/dangerous marriages. OP has listed a solid batch of this man belittling others, of exhibiting controlling behaviours, of demonstrating self-centered behaviour, and of showing gold-digger behaviour. Do you (OP) ever get any private time with your mother, completely away from the husband? If you had a close relationship before this man came on the scene, you have a basis for trying to get near enough to help. Do you know your mother's close friends, and would any of them have witnessed enough of the relationship to share their concerns with you? Shield your own family from this man, but make clear to your mother (without driving her away) that she can trust you. If it comes out that she is in trouble, let her know that she even can escape to you, should it be necessary. If she trusts you (and trusts any siblings you might have), try to persuade her to isolate her money and assets from him in ways that prevent him from accessing them. Do not sign over any property to him. If they live in a community property state, perhaps this is impossible. I don't know. Wishing her the absolutely very best. Dear Lisa, I am not in any way a prepared counselor, so please take this for what it is worth. I have been told that whenever you see a sudden change in behavior or attitude, especially in a formed person (not talking teenage hormones here!), you probably have reason to be concerned. I smell a rat here. I won't tell my story because I don't want to derail, but I have experienced this type of sudden change in a friendship--I got dumped--and I'm pretty sure the dumper is being manipulated by a new friend who is increasingly isolating my friend from her long-standing friendships. I can't prove it, the friend lives far away, and I am no longer involved. But I do have my suspicions that there was manipulation involved. The question is: what can you do about it? (What can I, in my situation...) The "elbow holding" makes me hear ding-ding-ding--something is not right here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted June 18, 2013 Share Posted June 18, 2013 They only stay at Red Roof Inns and Best Westerns because those are the only hotels he likes. When Dad was alive, she enjoyed staying at hotels that were nicer than these (not saying these are bad, just explaining what she likes), and she can afford to do so. He will feign illness if the majority of the group chooses a restaurant he isn't familiar with or doesn't like. Later, if Mom tells him it was good, he will go and tell everyone how much he enjoyed it. He complains and sends back every entree he's ever served. It's too hot, too cold, too greasy, too....something. She enjoys authentic Chinese food, but the only Chinese food he will eat is in the food court in the mall, so she never is allowed to go where she likes unless she is allowed to visit me without him. He has an opinion about everything, but no one else is allowed to share an opinion. Reading is a waste of time. I was reading a book, and he told me I was wasting my life. Television should be viewed constantly without regard to anyone's preferences but his. Visits with family should last no longer than 20 minutes. He uses condescending tones to females and starts every statement with something along the lines of "Let me tell ya sum thin' m'dear..." complete with finger pointing. Dd plans to major in International Business. He laughed in her face and said, "let me know how that works out for ya." I did politely say, "We believe that our children can be successful in any field in which they enjoy and are willing to pursue with dedication and passion. We think encouragement and interest are much more helpful than discouragement as they walk the path to adulthood." I said it with a friendly tone and smile. He replied with an eye roll, a snort and a turned back. He criticizes my Mom's food choices at every meal. He will comment when he thinks she has "had enough." He decides what she should order, or, if there is a "complete menu for x price" option, he will tell her that is her only option. He decides what updates she's "allowed" to make in the home she owns. He retained ownership of his own home in a town 2 hours from the home where he and Mom live, which is the home she owns. His current campaign is to get her to purchase a new Toyota Yaris to leave at his home so when they drive her car to his home, he will have a car to drive too. He has no money of his own except for a small amount of social security and his smallish pension. No investments or savings. Mom has Dad's social security, pension, and also a monthly interest check from substantial investments. She's not super wealthy, but dad left her very taken care of when he passed away. If she doesn't let her husband ruin things, she should never have to worry about money, even in the event, God forbid, of lengthy illness or the need for long term care. These are all generalities, I realize, and I can give specific examples for each if they would be helpful. I'm just unsure which things, if any, are meaningful, and which things are just examples of an unpleasant individual. Okay, even before I read the elbow incident, I was thinking she was in an abusive, manipulative relationship. Add the bolded above, and your mom needs help. She needs to get away from him. I like Bolt's suggestions above, but I would pick up the pace on those, and see if you can't find a way to make her see that she is in an abusive relationship.. Let her know you have a place for her, and she won't be alone. Remind her how your dad treated her if that would help! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted June 18, 2013 Share Posted June 18, 2013 My dh and his sisters went through this with his father several years ago. It was ugly and sad. When FIL died he was quite isolated from his dc. He refused contact with two of his children and barely had contact with my dh. OP, do you have siblings. If you do have siblings, how is your mom acting around them? Based on what I witnessed, if I found myself in your situation I'd try to keep up contact. If I could I'd try to make visits alone to mom to take her to lunch (once a month?). I'd invite her husband too, but I'd hope he'd grumble about where we were going and choose to stay home. I'd also make a habit of sending a nice weekly update on the family with pictures. Keep it all friendly and generic, nothing to invite fault and arguing. This would just be something so your mom knows you are there for her and keep that contact open. Her husband is isolating her. Keeping your line of communication open may be all you can do right now. Her husband may still isolate her. He may inherit what she has if he outlives her. If you push her a little bit that may simply accelerate the isolation. But if you keep the line of communication open, she may decide to reach out to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in SC Posted June 18, 2013 Author Share Posted June 18, 2013 Thanks to all who contributed here. I think I needed validation that I'm not crazy in thinking there is manipulation going on at best and possibly abuse. I know he's crafty, and I know she will not allow friends to see this. I also know that at other times, when I've expressed concerns over minor issues, she has gone straight to him and repeated everything I've said. I think bolt's advice up thread is my best bet. I need to stay upbeat, call frequently, write often, including pictures, etc., visit 2-4 times per year for my own reasons, etc. That won't be difficult in terms of finding a reason as my best friend lives in that state and her daughter just had a baby, plus my friend has had some significant health problems. Mom's already added her husband's name to her checking account, even though she vowed they would keep all assets separate. Mine is also on it, but I would never dream of touching it. She did that when my dad passed away so that I would have access to her account if she had a medical emergency or passed away suddenly. She won't discuss anything else financially with me except to say that I am the sole beneficiary of her will. I assume he will work to change that fact. As I said, it's her money, not mine. I'm not "after it," and think she should be free to do with it what she wishes, except that I would hate to see it go to him. Any deserving charity or individual is fine. It doesn't have to be me. Just please not him. Ultimately, I can't alter that though. I will go back and re-read all of the advice I've been given. I appreciate it all very much. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in SC Posted June 18, 2013 Author Share Posted June 18, 2013 My dh and his sisters went through this with his father several years ago. It was ugly and sad. When FIL died he was quite isolated from his dc. He refused contact with two of his children and barely had contact with my dh. OP, do you have siblings. If you do have siblings, how is your mom acting around them? Based on what I witnessed, if I found myself in your situation I'd try to keep up contact. If I could I'd try to make visits alone to mom to take her to lunch (once a month?). I'd invite her husband too, but I'd hope he'd grumble about where we were going and choose to stay home. I'd also make a habit of sending a nice weekly update on the family with pictures. Keep it all friendly and generic, nothing to invite fault and arguing. This would just be something so your mom knows you are there for her and keep that contact open. Her husband is isolating her. Keeping your line of communication open may be all you can do right now. Her husband may still isolate her. He may inherit what she has if he outlives her. If you push her a little bit that may simply accelerate the isolation. But if you keep the line of communication open, she may decide to reach out to you. I'm an only child, and we live 600+ miles away. I call her once or twice a week, and we visit in person 3 or 4 times per year. That's as much physical visiting as I can do both financially and because of my own family. I could call and email more. I can send more small packages, pictures, etc. I can't move back to where she lives, but I would literally do just about anything else to get my mom back. My fil already lives with us, and I have a lovely guest room just waiting for her. She uses it when she visits alone. I'll have another vacant room a year from now when dd20 is on her feet financially. Dd17 is leaving for university in August, so,that will be a third vacant room, except for breaks and some weekends. We will have the room, and would make it even if we didn't. We took in an abused friend of dd20 and her little boy for the last 3'or 4 months. She just got an apartment and moved out. Mom knew about that. I love bolt's suggestion about volunteering at a Domestic violence shelter. I'm going to look into that this week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted June 18, 2013 Share Posted June 18, 2013 depending upon your mothers age - there are organizations you can turn to for elder abuse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sherri in MI Posted June 18, 2013 Share Posted June 18, 2013 If he is abusive, the changes in your mom may be the effects of the abuse on her. (My Mom was abused by her husband) This is also how my Mom acted a few years before we found out she had dementia. I can't diagnose, just sharing 2 possibilities based on my experiences. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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