Cultivating loving sibling relationships...

[xixstar]

This was brought up in another thread and I'd love to hear more elaborations on ways to cultivate loving sibling relationships. Especially in the younger years and with closely spaced children as well.

[duckens]

:bigear:

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

I really think we lucked out with my two boys. Some of the things we did early was to have them share a room, also there was no "this is MINE!" in regards to toys early on. All toys were everyone's to share. Now that they are older, and have differing interests they have some of their own personal things but they still share fairly well.

 

I'm not convinced we did anything to foster a good relationship, we just got lucky and their personalities mesh well.

[AlmiraGulch]

My brother and his wife have done a great job with this, I think. They have four kids, 12, 10, 8 and 7. It's just an expectation in their house that they'll be loving and helpful and supportive of each other. My brother and SIL regularly tell them that they need to love one another, and act lovingly toward one another; that this is what siblings DO, and that they are the most important people in each others' lives right now and they need to cherish it.

 

It sounds very polly anna, but I've actually heard them echo those sentiments at times, and I've seen it work in practice. They're very loyal to and protective of one another, and I think largely because it's so emphasized in the household.

 

Not to say that they don't have their issues and disagreements, because of course they do. But it's always brought back around to the family "theme".

 

I think this is really important to my brother because he has always (until very recently) felt completely alienated from his 5 sisters and has longed for sibling relationships he never knew he could have. All five of the sisters feel the same way, to some extent, but I don't think it's as extreme as it is for him.

[Guest inoubliable]

I really think we lucked out with my two boys. Some of the things we did early was to have them share a room, also there was no "this is MINE!" in regards to toys early on. All toys were everyone's to share. Now that they are older, and have differing interests they have some of their own personal things but they still share fairly well.

 

I'm not convinced we did anything to foster a good relationship, we just got lucky and their personalities mesh well.

 

I think we're the same here. All three boys. Up until a year ago, they all shared a room. All toys have been "common toys". Same with books. And their clothes all get passed down, too. It's always a little funny to see DS5 get a "new" shirt in his bunch and he proudly tells everyone that his brothers gave it to him. Most nights, the little boys still crawl into bed together. They trade off on which bed. And sometimes DS12 will ask or be asked to sleep in their room together. They tell each other that they love each other and that they're each others' best friends.

 

It was not like this at all between myself and my siblings, though.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

Another person here who "lucked out"/got blessed by God. My two boys are, well, boys, but they're also really great about loving each other and sharing (for the most part.) They are very excited and looking forward to the birth of their little sister. I can't think of anything we necessarily did intentionally to make it turn out that way.

[unsinkable]

 

 

I think we're the same here. All three boys. Up until a year ago, they all shared a room. All toys have been "common toys". Same with books. And their clothes all get passed down, too. It's always a little funny to see DS5 get a "new" shirt in his bunch and he proudly tells everyone that his brothers gave it to him. Most nights, the little boys still crawl into bed together. They trade off on which bed. And sometimes DS12 will ask or be asked to sleep in their room together. They tell each other that they love each other and that they're each others' best friends.

 

It was not like this at all between myself and my siblings, though.

 

 

Your boys are so sweet to each other!

[LostSurprise]

I've tried to emphasize this by:

 

*expecting respect to be shown to everyone

*modeling respect

*teaching/modeling negotiation skills

*not letting them fight everything out themselves, especially at young ages (talking out and pointing out the feelings of opposite people)

*not being judge over everything (after a certain age you have to let them try out those negotiation skills)

*making them share some things

*letting them have some things of their own (it teaches them to respect each others 'special' things)

*making them work in a group

*spending a lot of time together

*sharing rooms sometimes (we actually cycle through the rooms and sometimes one gets a room to oneself and sometimes they have to share)

[Incognito]

We're a work in progress and still young in the grand scheme of things, but I am very on top of how they speak to and about one another. We speak kindly and lovingly to one another. I also would intervene a lot when they were younger to help them be kind to one another instead of fighting. Now that they are older, they often resolve their own conflict, but I will help them if they need it.

 

I also don't put up with exclusion. With a toddler and older kids, I don't let them leave her out. They get plenty of time without her, and they have places they can go to be without her getting into things, but they are to be accepting and include her (and other small kids) when they are together. That means in our house the downstairs is where I usually am, and they are all together there. If they want to do something that doesn't work well with a toddler, they do it up in their room.

 

Yes, room sharing also helps a lot.

[violamama]

We explicitly have taught this, and I also think our boys are naturally affectionate. They often lobby for each other if one is getting a consequence, "Well, mom, you know he may just be a little bit tired. He probably didn't mean to do that. You could give him a chance this once." Gets me every time.

 

When they hit a few particularly whiney-fighty minutes, I will remind whoever is most frustrated that their brother loves him, takes care of him and looks up to him. I'll also remind them that they will not always live together and get to spend time together, and some day they will really miss it.

 

We often point out kindnesses when they pop up, and we encourage them to give each other gifts and other thoughtful things. When one or the other has done well at something, we chat loudly with the other about how great it is that their brother is rocking whatever he's rocking. It's kind of team-buildy and it becomes second nature.

 

In short, I don't blow off anything they say to or about each other. We don't allow them to be nasty to one another or to get into a negatively competitive mindset. I have seen other parents let their kids really go at it, including physical fighting and it just makes me sad. My husband & his sister always picked at each other and she still does. His parents seem to think it's just the way things go.

[gardenmom5]

this was something that was very important to me, but I was reared in a family where we had to compete with each other for attention and approbation. it was extremely damaging to adult sibling relations.

 

the most important thing to me when my kids were small was that they felt loved and would love each other. so, here's my advice from someone highly motivated, and now they are adults.

1. never, ever, ever, make them compete with each other, especially NOT for your love and affection.
    
   
2. if you're too busy to do something, never use another sibling as an excuse as to why you can't do something.
    
   
3. enjoy them for who *they* are, focus on *their* strengths, and allow them to shine in their own strengths in front of you. let them know it's okay they aren't exactly like their sibling. they aren't their sibling.
    
   
4. don't compare them, especially so one comes up short.
    
   
5. give each child the attention *they* need. each child is different, and they have different needs.
    
   
6. have fun together. play games, build sandcastles, etc.
    
   
7. tell each of them you love them, often.
   

one of the greatest joys of my life is watching my adult children interact with each other. they love each other, root for each other, have fun together and have fun doing things together even if mom and dad aren't around. they laugh with each other - not *at* each other.

[Aspasia]

this was something that was very important to me, but I was reared in a family where we had to compete with each other for attention and approbation. it was extremely damaging to adult sibling relations.

 

the most important thing to me when my kids were small was that they felt loved and would love each other. so, here's my advice from someone highly motivated, and now they are adults.

1. never, ever, ever, make them compete with each other, especially NOT for your love and affection.
    
   
2. if you're too busy to do something, never use another sibling as an excuse as to why you can't do something.
    
   
3. enjoy them for who *they* are, focus on *their* strengths, and allow them to shine in their own strengths in front of you. let them know it's okay they aren't exactly like their sibling. they aren't their sibling.
    
   
4. don't compare them, especially so one comes up short.
    
   
5. give each child the attention *they* need. each child is different, and they have different needs.
    
   
6. have fun together. play games, build sandcastles, etc.
    
   
7. tell each of them you love them, often.
   

one of the greatest joys of my life is watching my adult children interact with each other. they love each other, root for each other, have fun together and have fun doing things together even if mom and dad aren't around. they laugh with each other - not *at* each other.

 

I grew up in a competitive family, too, and my siblings and I do not have great relationships. My mom had a tendency to minimize one child's accomplishments in order to help another child feel better about his/her shortcomings. Or she would say things like, "You could do just as well as so-and-so if you wanted to. You're just as smart as she is." I think she thought she was being helpful, but she just created a culture of competition and tearing each other down to feel better about ourselves. I always wish she could have been comfortable letting us have our own strengths and our own weaknesses rather than insisting that we were all equal at everything. You know, "Yes, so-and-so does really well in school. And YOU are an incredible dancer/artist/whatever." I wish we had been taught to celebrate each other's achievements instead of minimizing them. My siblings never came to my high school basketball games or concerts or awards ceremonies or anything. Why not? Dh and I want a family culture where we insist that everyone show up for someone else's event. It's important to me that we all support each other's interests and strengths. In my world, that's what families do.

 

With my kids, I don't feel like I'm succeeding at helping them be close. My kids are SO competitive. And I can't decide if they're competing for my affection. It doesn't seem like it because their competitions are about stupid "kid things", like being first or having the biggest slice of cake or whatever. But they are both really, really sensitive to losing those types of competitions, so it always turns into a big thing.

 

That said, they do play well together for much of the day, and I will often hear them being very cooperative, helpful, and loving.

 

I don't know. I'm interested in all of the advice from the moms getting this right, especially those like gardenmom, who have reached the finish line and have adult children who are friends. This is an issue that dh and I think and talk a lot about, because it's really important to me.

[J-rap]

Model respectful behavior, and NEVER have the attitude of "Oh well, kids will be kids!" so that you let their unkind teasings or hurtful words go unchecked. This was never tolerated in our home, ever. One unkind word was checked. Respectful arguing was fine. :) Also, we did a lot together as a family, and I tried to plan activities (even the toys we had) that I knew most of the kids enjoyed, so that they'd be more apt to enjoy that time with each other.

 

Plan challenging things for them to do together, so they have to rely on each other for support.

 

We used to take lots of trips together (even just camping, or going to the lake). It was a great bonding time, and a time when they had no other distractions -- just each other to share in the fun time.

 

They did all share rooms and clothes and practically everything else.

 

Certain personalities will naturally hit it off better or bug each other more than others. :) But helping them learn to control their impulses and treat each other kindly (even when they don't feel like it) will help them endure the phases where they otherwise wouldn't want anything to do with each other, and hopefully they'll get to a point where they actually enjoy each other. :)

 

My kids were all naturally pretty laid back as young children, and that helped a lot! I'm sure it would have been more difficult if they had different personalities to begin with.

[JudoMom]

My boys are all friends. Sure, they have their moments, but they aren't all that common. I think it's just been our family culture, and we've always been intentional about cultivating these relationships.

• When they were younger, we stressed brothers first. If they couldn't be kind toward their brother(s), then they were not ready for friends.
  
• We've stressed that they'll always have each other.
  
• While they each have a few "personal" toys/books/things (and more now that they're older), most toys and books have belonged to everyone.
  
• The oldest and youngest share a room, and the middle three share a room (they recently lobbied for the master bedroom or to have us knock a wall out so they could all share one big room).
  
• It's expected that they'll be kind and loving towards one another.
  
• When we've hit bumps, we talk to them about it. Usually the bumps have been when a boy is going from one stage of development to another (so going from being a little kid to wanting to me taken more seriously as a big kid). We talk to the older brothers about how important it is that they take the brother seriously, encourage him, etc.
  
• We laugh a lot with each other.
  
• I expect them to work out issues with each other. When they were younger, I kept a listening ear, but mostly I let them work their problems out with each other. If someone was mean or discouraging or dominating, I would pull them aside at another time and talk to them about how they needed to be kind, encouraging, and/or unselfish.
  

[LostSurprise]

I just want to add that personalities are always different, and some personalities find intimacy and empathy easier than others. I have one child who is very self-directed and skeptical and another who's probably too empathetic (boundaries will always be an issue to him).

 

My job is too help the one understand others and build empathy and help the other develop a healthy self-worth and develop boundaries. I also try to help them understand each other.

 

It was hard for them to be friends. They are such different people with such different needs and outlooks, but the above points worked (plus the added time together homeschooling). They will probably never be as close as my middle 2, but they are good friends and seek each other out now.

[elegantlion]

I envy people with good sibling relationships. I have one older sister and we simply do not mix. We got along well enough as kids to "tolerate" each other and not cause my mother more grief, but we are like fire and ice. Our personalities clash. We were never close and now we rarely speak unless it involves my parents or they are visiting my parents. My parents did a lot of right modeling and provided a loving environment, sometimes that alone doesn't work.

 

My parents have been great about accepting us as individuals and not doing too much whining about one to the other. I'd say as adults that has been one of the best things they could do.

[Mommy22alyns]

IMO, we completely lucked out. To me, it was big that Rebecca doesn't remember NOT having a sister. She's always been there (they're 2 years and 3 days apart). When Sylvia was born, she was delighted. Peeking in the bassinet, sitting next to Sylvia in the bouncy seat watching TV and holding her hand, enthusiastically bouncing Sylvia in said bouncy seat... I thought that poor baby was going to catapult across the room! :laugh:

 

Of course they have their moments, but they really love each other and it makes me so happy to see it. They like the same shows most of the time, play with the same toys, read the same books, etc. etc. but they're still individuals as well. They do share a room and probably 90% of the books, toys, DVD's, etc. in the house.

 

I guess one thing we've always done is if they're bickering over a toy, they can work it out or lose the toy. If they're bickering over a movie, they can come to an agreement or have no movie. Basic simple stuff.

 

 

I have a sister who's 9 years younger and my parents did nothing to prepare me, and we never got along and don't communicate at all.