What's the appropriate thing to do for a neighbor whose husband has passed?

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Our across-the-street neighbor just passed away of a heart attack :( He was older, but not elderly--still went hunting and fishing all the time, still worked on the house, had many kids, tons of grandkids, etc. His wife is currently receiving visitors, and there are lots of cars there each day. But even though we've lived here for years, we barely knew them beyond waving when we passed. My DH talked to the man occasionally, but really, it's a quiet, keep-to-yourself kind of neighborhood.

 

I feel very uncomfortable going over there to visit, since we barely know them and definitely don't know any of their kids. Is it appropriate to drop a card off in the mailbox, or send flowers? It would feel weird to make them answer the door to us just to say we're sorry and leave. So what's the right thing to do here? I really have no clue what the etiquette is surrounding death/funerals.

 

Thanks.

[gardenmom5]

one thing that is common is to take in a meal - or a large casserole/etc. they're having lots of visitors - I assume family. food is always appropriate.

[Koerarmoca]

I would send a basket of muffins & a card. I don't like flowers soon after a death, only because the flowers will die too. I wouldn't go over though, it would be uncomfortable for both of you.

[Mama Geek]

Food is what I was thinking.

[applethyme]

Food is good when someone passes away. It takes some of the burden of making meals away from a family that has a lot of decisions to make.

[justamouse]

Food is always appropriate, and continue to do so.

 

Sympathy is ALWAYS appreciated. You're acknowledging her pain. It's a nice thing to do.

[Night Elf]

I like the idea of muffins. They'll probably have lots of food dishes like casseroles. Muffins don't need to be refrigerated and would make a nice accompaniment to a regular meal or as a stand alone snack that isn't a dessert.

[lollie010]

I agree with muffins or something similar that does not have to be refrigerated and will last for a while. Then maybe check in with her in a week or two when the other visitors are gone. The leftovers are usually gone by then but she probably still will not be up to preparing meals for herself. No matter what you do she will appreciate the fact that you care.

[mamatohaleybug]

Completely agree with food. Something simple since you don't know them well enough to know details of what she needs. Food is a token, really. Taking food says, "I notice. I care. I want to help." I'd tuck in a card expressing your sympathy. Depending on the situation, tasks like offering to take her garbage cans to the curb for pickup or mowing her lawn for a few weeks would be so kind and considerate. I'm sure she's overwhelmed with such a sudden and unexpected loss. Very sad.

[UnsinkableKristen]

Food. When my grandmother passed last month, I was astounded at how much food people brought. And you know what? We had so many family members there that we ate ALL of it. It was incredible nice to not have to think of cooking when all we wanted to do was be sad. It was one less thing to do when there were so many arrangemets to make.

[Unicorn.]

Food, taking garbage cans in and out, offer to help w/ yard work if needed. In a few weeks, it might be nice to stop by again w/ another plate of muffins, and just check in on her occasionally.

[carriede]

Food, taking garbage cans in and out, offer to help w/ yard work if needed. In a few weeks, it might be nice to stop by again w/ another plate of muffins, and just check in on her occasionally.

 

This. My dad died a year ago in an accident. My mom had a great church family to support her, but after a few weeks to a month, the offers of help and food decreased dramatically. If you're up to it, consider contacting her in a few weeks to offer a meal, help with yard work, that sort of thing.

[magnificent_baby]

Totally agree with food. We just had a very sad loss in our family and we were functioning on so little sleep and consumed with grief, cooking was THE last thing we wanted to worry about. One neighbor of my parents took them a restaurant gift card that they used after all the out of town family left, and we weren't gathering at my parent's house daily. They used it right away, as it was such a great reason to leave the house. If you think more company is expected, paper plates, cups, napkins, bottled water, etc. was also a wonderful blessing that people brought us.

[Mrs Mungo]

Take food. My youngest sister just passed away 2 weeks ago. I flew home early that morning. The family was entirely focused on mourning and planning her service. The food people brought over was an *enormous* blessing. Food came from extended family, the church, friends of my parents, everywhere. It meant we didn't have to figure out how to feed my large family and extended relatives who came from out of town every night. It was huge.

 

Things people brought ranged from paper products, bottled water (we easily went through 4 cases), OJ, muffins, doughnuts, breakfast casserole, monkey bread, lasagne, chicken noodle soup, rotisserie chicken, side dishes like potatoes, salads, fruit and about a million cakes.

[J-rap]

Take food. My youngest sister just passed away 2 weeks ago.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. Man, that must be tough. I believe you mentioned before that she had breast cancer? (It's possible that I'm mistaken.) Anyway, I'm very, very sorry.

[J-rap]

I also wanted to recommend food, if not now, then three weeks from now, or three months from now! Honestly, after our tragedy I didn't cook regularly for almost two years. A fresh loaf of bread with a note saying "Thinking of you from across the street" now and again in three months and then again in six months.

[Mrs Mungo]

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. Man, that must be tough. I believe you mentioned before that she had breast cancer? (It's possible that I'm mistaken.) Anyway, I'm very, very sorry.

 

 

Thank you. Yes, she's been fighting breast cancer for about four years. :(

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Thank you, everyone. It feels strange to consider cooking food for someone old enough to be my grandmother! In my family, the "kids" don't cook--the moms/grandmothers feel like it's their territory, I think. I'll have to think of something I can bring over. I did buy a card today. I'm thinking I can stop over during the week when she doesn't have a big crowd there, and I can give my condolences and food and not feel like I need to stay.

 

Mrs. Mungo, I'm so very sorry to hear about your sister :( I remember you posting about her ongoing battle over the years. Cancer just really, really sucks.

[G5052]

Yes, food.

 

Sadly *no* one brought food to my mom when Dad passed away four years ago, but there is a long story there. We had all kinds of relatives and friends in, and I cooked and cooked because Mom's dementia prevented her from managing that. I felt like I missed the majority of the visitors. Meanwhile, DH and the kids here were begging people *not* to bring food because people somehow thought they'd starve while I was away.

 

So it can go both ways!

[kiwik]

My mother has really appreciated help with the stuff her husband usually did. Mowing lawns, minor repairs, grading the drive (probably not applicable). Also when everyone has gone home some single serves of frozen meals for the nights she can't bear cooking for herself. And your phone number with instructions to call if she needs help with stupid stuff like jar tops or is spooked or sick. It will take a while to get used to being responsible for everything.

[Parrothead]

Take a card. Order some kind of potted plant. Bake some cookies or take a grocery store chicken. And make sure she has your number for any middle of the night emergencies or if she just wants to talk.