After X years of marriage, what have you learned?

[TammyinTN]

Things I've learned after 21 years of marriage.

1. Always be kind, so speak like you would like to be spoken to.

2. I always hug/kiss my hubby when he comes home from work. Set the mood for the rest of the evening. This works no matter what's happening.

3. Show my appreciation for all his hard work--I cook him a favorite meal or dessert once a week.

4. Always say sorry when your wrong. There's no shame in being wrong, only in not admitting it.

[Michelle in MO]

Oh, another thing: I was thrilled to learn about Love Languages! I am a Physical Touch and Closeness person. DH is an Act of Service guy. So I was wondering why I wasn't getting the hugs I wanted, yet he was showing me he loved me by doing things for me and the family. Since we learned about those, we both try to work toward doing for the other what they love best! It has helped a lot!

 

I'm the "service" gal---I'm always doing, doing, doing, and that's how I show people that I care about them. My dh always wants to hug or have me come and sit down and visit with him.

 

Here's what I've learned after 19 years of marriage: dh and I have very different ideas about how to discipline the kids. We've listened to parenting tapes, read books, etc., on how to handle things when problems erupt with the children. I finally decided that we would never become the "ideal" parent that these books and tapes (yes, Christian ones) portrayed. But, I've learned that we're much more effective and we are much more "ideal" for our children and what they need if we support each other and try to take a united approach!

 

Hope that makes sense!

[Doran]

In our 17 years together I've learned that time is my friend. Patience in the moment smooths many a ruffled feather, and a little distance from the moment heals the feathers that fly.

 

I've also learned that the truth which applies to life also applies to marriage (imagine that?! ;)) -- that only two things are constant: love and change.

[Lizzie in Ma]

We have never made a big deal of anniversaries or birthdays for which I am grateful. But I KNOW that when he gets up and does the dishes for me in the morning, it is because he knows how much it throws me to have a dirty kitchen. That is love.

 

When he hands you the puke bucket and goes to get a cloth when the little one sleeping between you is sick. That is love.

 

When he occasionally, for no reason at all, puts on my favorite cologne that can stop me in my tracks, that's love.

 

When he puts the laundry away (even if it means the girls and I are exchanging items for days) that's love.

 

When it is me he comes to in mental agony, just for reassurance and a hug, that's love.

 

When he checks the fluids in the car and the tire pressure to keep us all safe. That's love.

 

When he loves your family as much as his. That's love.

 

When he lets your little sister and her fiance, your twin and her fiance, your niece and assorted others move in with you, more than once!!! Need I say it? That is love.

 

Don't rush through the days waiting for the "big" moments. Every day is precious and momentous in it's own way. Add to that a huge amount of grace for each other and be content with what you have.

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

After 26 years:

 

I've learned to be supremely grateful that I am not married to anyone else.

 

I've learned that I am just as much a fallible human being as my husband is, maybe more so.

 

I've learned that things are never as bad as they may seem.

 

Common courtesy and consideration can be more far more important than "burning passion."

 

Men's and women's roles in the family are more flexible than I had ever suspected.

[6packofun]

After 15 years of marriage, I've learned that if you aim for 50-50, you'll end up with a half-a$$ed marriage. (Sorry, but that's the way I heard it many years ago! LOL)

 

I've learned that my deepest needs can be met by God and what I receive in marriage is just frosting on the cake. I'm not in this for me, I'm in this for him. Just so happens that I usually get something wonderful back. :)

[autumndivona]

Adrianne,

 

I have learned that you cannot speak to a man while he is looking at a box with moving pictures on it. He will not listen.

 

Thus, you must put yourself between the man and the picture box to get his attention.

[JFSinIL]

Hearos foam ear plugs are my best friend.

 

I do not HAVE to watch the Cubs.

 

A beer-brewing kit is a great present for a guy.

 

Men are not born knowing how to fix things.

[Stacy in NJ]

Men really do like s*x more than women (usually, not always).;)

[orangeblossom]

After 21 years of marriage, I've learned that respect is one of the most important components of a great marriage. In how you treat each other, in how you speak to each other, in how you respond to what the other thinks, feels and does.

[Beth in OH]

I have learned that a marriage counselor can cut through 23 years of normal, everyday, emotional junk, and leave both spouses and the marriage itself much stronger.

[Storm Bay]

I've learned a few very valuable things in the last 17 years that I wish I'd learned early on:

 

1. Just because he's not talking about it doesn't mean he's not thinking about it. (This one is HUGE, and really cuts down on the nagging!)

 

2. There's more than one way to do most things. Therefore, my way is not always the (gasp!) only way.

 

3. "One flesh" is a reality. Anything that hurts one of us, hurts the other.

 

4. Telling him "Thank you" for the way he takes care of our family and how proud I am of him, goes a long way toward encouraging him to grow and continue to make good decisions.

 

 

And I must agree with the posts about eliminating the divorce option. When it's not an option, we have the choice to live in misery or work to make it through the tough times and come out even better on the other side. Giving up robs people of the joy and satisfaction that can come from a lifelong commitment. Besides, at this point, I don't have the time or energy to re-train someone else to accomodate all my quirks.:)

 

 

Excellent points!

[melmac]

and I'm just gonna leave it at that.;)

[Elaine]

Great question!

 

I have learned that loving someone and staying committed to a marriage is a choice. That marriage is hard work and it's not for little girls. That life can throw messiness at you and that messiness causes you to say, "We will be stronger because of this." That men need to be respected, and admired often. :001_smile:

 

And, last but not least, Business;) is an integral part of feeling emotionally and physically connected to your mate.

[sleepy]

 

And, last but not least, Business;) is an integral part of feeling emotionally and physically connected to your mate.

 

:lol::iagree:

[Lisa in Jax]

tone of voice is really important. Dh and I work hard to speak to each other in tones that are kind, respectful and considerate, even when we're angry.

 

I've learned that "always" and "never" are no-nos.

 

I've learned that having a dh who can make me laugh is worth more than a million dollars.

 

I've learned that even when I think I know everything about him, I don't. ;-)

[Desert Rat]

Most of the time, laughter really is the best medicine. That's what I've got after 14 years. That and so many other things- dirty clothes on the floor aren't worth the argument. No conversation is sometimes more meaningful. When having an argument, when you think you're finished talking about it, you're not. Keep talking. Most of all, marriage is SO worth it!

[chaik76]

Enthusiastic agreement. It's something we require from both of us before we commit to any decision. I've learned to compromise this way. I used to think compromise meant "not getting my way". Dh and I have learned to think creatively and come up with solutions that meet the needs of our whole family and are fun!

[Lisawa]

:iagree:

that a sense of humor is the second most important thing you can have. The first most important thing is grace.

:iagree::iagree:

 

Couldn't agree more....

 

a few other things I have learned after 16 years of marraige..... if you can put your spouses needs above your own often..... or at least treat them that way... I can guarantee their would be less fighting..... its not about us, its about them and vise versa.....realize we were not put on this earth to fill expectations...... they will always come up short....

 

communication... communication.... communication..... I cant express it enough... especially to the new husband.....sometimes this is not an easy thing for guys to do and its something to be practiced.... at least here it has been.

 

oh and respect... if I were speaking to a new bride.... I would also mention this.... men need it... they desire it.... they even tend to measure themselves by it.....even if you are at a bad place and find it hard.... try to be respectful.... men... Love the same way as Christ.... I would also share Ephesians 5 as this is were I am getting most of my thoughts.....

 

Man oh man... If I could know then what I know now!:D The last 16 years would have been a breeze! lol But then.... learning along the way has made us who we are....;)

[Lisawa]

Oh, and one more thing.... one of the things that have been a blessing in our own marraige.... we are a lot of things to each other... but one of them is friends.... we can go hang out, giggle, goof off and just enjoy each other.... that has never stopped.... when its just he and I.. or even w/ friends... we get a kick out of each other..... that is important to me and him.... we make a point to go on a date at least twice a month.... sometimes its just been to the park... other times batting cages... golf range.... never a movie... we have to interact and be able to talk and joke and enjoy the comapny... we really connect this way... so time for 2 would be some more advice I guess... it has to be a priority...

[rafiki]

.

[danielle]

My dh was recently diagnosed with Parkinson's. After 16 years of marriage, I've learned that life is short, we need to cherish each moment together, and all the things we ever argued about don't amount to anything.

Danielle

[KatieJ]

33 years next month and I have learned, there is more learning to do.

 

Just when I think I figured him out, he changes!

 

Always and never are words I always try never to use.

 

Being mad and holding a grudge wastes time. Why spend 3 days giving someone the silent treatment because the said or did somethign that upset you?? Say you're sorry and get back into life!

 

But the most important thing I learned was to listen to that little voice in my head..the Spirit living in you is talking to you, be still and listen.

 

PS.. you are one amazing bunch of women!

[LizzyBee]

I haven't read all the other responses, so this may have been mentioned already. After 16 years of marriage, I've learned to keep a sense of humor. Being able to laugh together has gotten us through some stressful years.