shell in SC Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Seriously, no one has ever told me that before, but it's true!:blush: How do I get over it/myself! Anyone have any tips? shell Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Come visit me a week and I'll put you through my intensive, seven day, learn to kick butt course. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Natalieclare Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Come visit me a week and I'll put you through my intensive, seven day, learn to kick butt course. Id like to come to that! Won't you run a whole conference on it?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shell in SC Posted August 1, 2008 Author Share Posted August 1, 2008 :iagree: I think we'd do better in a group. . .cause then we can be more passive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 In a situation... Speak Up Speak Out Or Get Over It :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 In a situation... Speak Up Speak Out Or Get Over It :D :iagree: Absolutely no *hinting* about what you want, or hoping that someone notices you are upset. If you aren't willing to say it outright, you have to let it go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shell in SC Posted August 1, 2008 Author Share Posted August 1, 2008 My problem is I that I have a hard time getting things to come across without my attitude showing. I don't know how to say things nice. . .it comes out *****y. shell Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newlifemom Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 How much money is all this therapy gonna cost us?:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nakitty Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Seriously, no one has ever told me that before, but it's true!:blush: How do I get over it/myself! Anyone have any tips? shell I don't know how to fix it....but perhaps starting small. When something small is bothering you...MAKE yourself do something about it. How would you handle this situation: You: (to dh) honey, will you take the garbage out...it smells. Dh: Yeah, first thing in the morning. Would you: a) Tell him that you really don't want the garbage to smell up the house...and would really appreciate it if he would do it tonight. b) Just do it yourself....and then stew about it. c) Leave it there for him to deal with in the morning...and then go to bed upset and hurt that he doesn't listen to you. The correct answer is (a)....;) Just take the direct approach in most any given situation...you don't have to come across as snitchy in order to be direct. A big smile on your face can go a long way to making the medicine go down for others...LOL I hope that helps....I wasn't really sure how to respond. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shell in SC Posted August 1, 2008 Author Share Posted August 1, 2008 you don't know how comforting it is to know I'm not alone!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 I don't know how to fix it....but perhaps starting small. When something small is bothering you...MAKE yourself do something about it. How would you handle this situation: You: (to dh) honey, will you take the garbage out...it smells. Dh: Yeah, first thing in the morning. Would you: a) Tell him that you really don't want the garbage to smell up the house...and would really appreciate it if he would do it tonight. b) Just do it yourself....and then stew about it. c) Leave it there for him to deal with in the morning...and then go to bed upset and hurt that he doesn't listen to you. The correct answer is (a)....;) Just take the direct approach in most any given situation...you don't have to come across as snitchy in order to be direct. A big smile on your face can go a long way to making the medicine go down for others...LOL I hope that helps....I wasn't really sure how to respond. :001_smile: Shoot, I thought it was d)Dump it over his desk and sweetly say "Nevermind dear, I took care of it." Kidding, I'm kidding! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 My problem is I that I have a hard time getting things to come across without my attitude showing. I don't know how to say things nice. . .it comes out *****y. I'm guessing that once you start practicing actually speaking up *at the time something is happening*, you won't have an attitude because there hasn't been time for you to stew about it, or overthink it & get all worked up about it, kwim? It takes practice. And, you can do it! :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janet in Toronto Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Do you have a senior's discount, because I would like to send my mother.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nakitty Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Shoot, I thought it was d)Dump it over his desk and sweetly say "Nevermind dear, I took care of it." Kidding, I'm kidding! LMAO....I was telling her to start small....that is in the advanced class...:lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennifersLost Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 I just read your other post and honey, I'm right there with you. I HAVE been working on it this year and it is a revelation to find that speaking up in the moment WORKS. Having said that, my post about the way I dealt with my parents giving me a hard time about ds's vegetarianism has passive aggressive written all over it. Sigh. I'm a work in progress, too. I'll go with you to RemudaMom's. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newlifemom Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Remudamom, can I just say I LOVE YOU!:lol: Please, let me sit at your feet and learn from you Master Yoda!:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 I could scream at you, "Just say iiiiiiiiiiiit! Justsaywhatyouwant! SAY! IT! When you want something, say it!" Cuz I've done that before. I have. Uh-huh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laughing lioness Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 oops Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sdWTMer Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Shoot, I thought it was d)Dump it over his desk and sweetly say "Nevermind dear, I took care of it." Kidding, I'm kidding! Thanks to Remudamom for making me laugh! I can always count on you! Ha! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleen Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 The loosey-goosey term "passive-aggressive" can pretty much be applied to every living being on the planet, in one context or another. In this instance (the church band frustration you discussed in another thread), long story short is that you need to express yourself from the get-go and not expect others to be mind-readers. And heck, the same may be true of this other gal. She's new (or newly returned) and doesn't have a clue where you're coming from. Solution? Communicate. Figure out what works best for both of you. In the other thread, Remudamom advised you to tell her to sing soprano; that's not the right approach. You shouldn't tell her to do anything. Talk with her, not at her. (I often make the mistake of doing the former rather than the latter, so I know of what I speak!:tongue_smilie:). Disengaging, expecting others to notice, feeling resentful when they don't ~ all of that is juvenile, though we all do it from time to time. And we all do any number of other things that fall under the broad "passive-aggressive" description. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue G in PA Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 you don't know how comforting it is to know I'm not alone!!!!! You are so not alone. My dh says I do this sort of thing all the time and I guess he is right. I want him to read my mind and when he doesn't, I get all upset. Sort of the same situation. Just wanted to tell you you are not alone. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Come visit me a week and I'll put you through my intensive, seven day, learn to kick butt course. Oh yeah, I'm there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NevadaRabbit Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 My problem is I that I have a hard time getting things to come across without my attitude showing. I don't know how to say things nice. . .it comes out *****y. shell That's the "aggressive" part. The "passive" part is when you expect others to sense/know your feelings and fix things for you without you having to tell or ask them to. We all tend to swing too far one way (aggro-b****y) or the other (passive-then stew about it). DH and I went to marriage counseling years ago, to find out all the things he was doing wrong in our marriage. Surprise, surprise - it was mostly me doing the P-A routine. Picture a pendulum. Passive on the far side of the swing, aggressive on the opposite far side of the swing, ASSERTIVE in the center. Aim for the center. In the "hubs will you please take out the stinky garbage" scenario, if you're over on the passive side of the pendulum you would take the stinky garbage out yourself, muttering the whole time about how you do EVERYTHING and nobody else EVER notices the garbage is stinky and you run the entire list of dh's faults through your mind and storm off to bed without talking to him and fume. If you're over on the aggressive side of the pendulum you would throw the stinky stuff at him or at least yell at him that you would like to do so, add a couple one-liners that insult his manliness and intelligence, remind him that he never takes the trash out when he needs to, and stomp off. Both get the job done, but on the passive side you damage yourself and on the aggressive side you damage him. Shoot for assertive. "Honey, the smell is bothering me. Could you please do it now rather than later?" Job gets done and nobody gets hurt. Why is it so pickin' difficult for so many of us to just say that?!?! (I've got a PhD in do-it-myself-silently-and-fume.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted August 2, 2008 Share Posted August 2, 2008 In the "hubs will you please take out the stinky garbage" scenario, if you're over on the passive side of the pendulum you would take the stinky garbage out yourself, muttering the whole time about how you do EVERYTHING and nobody else EVER notices the garbage is stinky and you run the entire list of dh's faults through your mind and storm off to bed without talking to him and fume. If you're over on the aggressive side of the pendulum you would throw the stinky stuff at him or at least yell at him that you would like to do so, add a couple one-liners that insult his manliness and intelligence, remind him that he never takes the trash out when he needs to, and stomp off. Both get the job done, but on the passive side you damage yourself and on the aggressive side you damage him. This is EXACTLY how I am. I do both...regularly. I make myself sick with my attitude. Stinks that assertive doesn't always "get the job done" either. I really do way too much which my hubby claims he feels guilty about with me being so ill so much but then why doesn't he DO more? I appreciate that he works hard to support us and that it's HARD having a very sick wife (and then a sick kid last year). But at some point ACTION needs to take over. I'm not fuming about anything in particular or anything. I just do feel, as some of the other women here have expressed, that I have too much on my plate, things that can only be removed by someone else doing them. My kids DO a lot but then there is the issue of delegation and follow through. Maybe they are old enough to handle that for themselves though and I'm holding them back. But I still think hubby needs to do MORE. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 My problem is I that I have a hard time getting things to come across without my attitude showing. I don't know how to say things nice. . .it comes out *****y. shell Are you going to feel worse from displaying attitude or from being wussy? One step at a time, learn to kick butt, then when you are practised, you can learn to do it nicely. Of course, there is that proverb saying that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, so I do my best to avoid people who are made of glass. If glass people are rude to me, well that's not my responsibility. They know what I'm like. My current problem is how to deal with my dh, who won't do anything or remember anything until I throw a tantie over it. It's pretty exhausting to have to keep throwing tantrums. I'm pretty sure it's his responsibility to fix this, not mine, but he seems to prefer being shouted at. What's with that? :) Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 Wait. Are we giving tips on how to *be* passive aggressive, or not? Because I started out w/ the "just say how you feel" camp, & now I find myself plotting sinister things against dh's (incl mine) who have let the trash pile up. :001_huh: I think Remudamom & my mom are sisters separated at birth. Mom's electricity was turned off when she was young & newly married. Somehow (I forget), the landlord at her apt was to balme. She took a hunk of raw, rotting meat & nailed it to his door. :blink: Dad was just as bad. Yep. That's the line I'm descended from. :lol: There's no hope for me, really. Sometimes I can see dh coming over to the dark side. That's bad. That's really bad. :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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