Lisa in SC Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 Someone asked on the old thread how things are going with our dd who is expecting, so I just figured I'd start a new topic with the update. She asked me to go to the ob/gyn with her, so we went Monday. All seems ok. The dr gave her a due date of 8/8. I think it's the 10 th, but I'm not the one with the medical degree lol. He said she was 6 weeks 3 days on Monday. She's on prenatals and eating very, very well (nutritionally, not huge amounts haha) As this was just a confirm & prescribe vitamins appt, she's to go back on 12/31 for her first official appt. The young man now knows, as does his family. That is not going well. As she's an adult, and has a stubborn streak a country mile wide, I have to walk a fine line where I let her know we're here for her and support her, but not seem to be too involved or she decides to do the opposite of what's best for her. She's so fragile right now that I can only advise her and love her. Then love her some more. If I do much more, it has the potential of being perceived as meddling, which she balks at and which I don't want to do. Anyway, the father seems very strange. One moment he says he wants to be at least a small part of things, the next he's demanding that she take a pregnancy test in front of him. She has already said she did not tell him for monetary reasons. She told him because it was the right thing to do. He's in his early 20's, but had his mom call her to try to persuade her to give the baby for adoption. He has been hoping she'll decide to terminate. She wants nothing to do with those suggestions and has made them aware that she firmly intends to carry, deliver and be a mama to this baby. His mother ended the conversation by saying he needs to finish school (we all agree); he can't work and go to school ( dd does this); perhaps when the baby is around a year old, he can "jump back into her life." so. This is where he is at the moment. It was not necessarily what anyone hoped for, but the reaction is one we had considered. So. That's all I can think of at the moment. If anyone has advice, hugs,or other supportive things to share, I'll take it! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 :grouphug: I have friends who are managing this situation. Their dd has a darling baby but it's still not easy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oakblossoms Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 Don't put his name on the birth certificate. He can always be put on later. But, you cannot take him off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in SC Posted December 19, 2012 Author Share Posted December 19, 2012 Don't put his name on the birth certificate. He can always be put on later. But, you cannot take him off. I recently spoke with the wife of a man who works for dh, and she gave me the same advice. My dd is appalled at the thought of not having a father named on the birth certificate, but I think you gave me better wording. I think if I tell her she can always add it later, she might be more willing to consider leaving off his name. Thank you! :grouphug: I have friends who are managing this situation. Their dd has a darling baby but it's still not easy. You're right, and I wish your friends peace and strength. Although it's difficult, they have been given such a miracle! In order to stay calm and (relatively) sane lol, I'm choosing to remind myself that often things which are most difficult are most worth it in the end. I don't actually feel physically stressed. No feelings of anxiety, etc., but clearly I am anxious, stressed, whatever, because it keeps coming out through the most horrific migraines which start in the middle of the night. Thanks for the hug! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phathui5 Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 What a tough situation. My unsolicited advice: I would really recommend looking into getting a midwife for your dd. We took care of a teen at the birth center last year whose OB recommended us because we provide more education and spend more time with our ladies than they are able to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in SC Posted December 19, 2012 Author Share Posted December 19, 2012 What a tough situation. My unsolicited advice: I would really recommend looking into getting a midwife for your dd. We took care of a teen at the birth center last year whose OB recommended us because we provide more education and spend more time with our ladies than they are able to. Hi! Thanks for the suggestion. I suggested just that to dd as she was searching for an ob/gyn, but my suggestion was rebuffed. I tried to pm you with more info and questions, but got an error message saying I'm not allowed to use that function. I'm not sure why. I don't think i broke any rules. Too much to re-type on dh's iPad, but maybe I'll try again later tomorrow. Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 Congrats! I second the midwife! Here in IL the laws for midwives are strict - they have to work in a practice under an OB/GYN, so maybe that could be an option for your dd to consider. But, in my experience they are more of a partner in the birth plan/experience than a doctor. I had a midwife for both my second and third after my first was born via C section. The midwives really helped, supported and advocated for me in the hospital and I credit them with two successful VBAC deliveries. Also, they will usually support nursing if your dd wants to do this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 :grouphug: and hoping the dad decides to come around. I am sure it is a shock to him as well and hopefully he just needs a little time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 Don't put his name on the birth certificate. He can always be put on later. But, you cannot take him off. I agree with this and am living it. I have 2 kids by 2 guys. Dd's genetic contributer is not on her birth certificate, but ds's is. It was a pain registering ds for school because they wanted his father's signature on things. I've even had some problems with a few mental health appointments who want ds's father to "approve" of everything. When we were momentarily investigated by children and youth, they demanded names and addresses. Then they could not open a voluntary case because ds's father never received the letter because i don't have a good address for him. Ds's father and i went to court, but the court papers do not clearly give me custody. They say that his father is to pay child support, and mentioned visitation. With dd? It's all smooth sailing. Nothing is questioned, anywhere. If at all possible, and he continues to not want to be in this baby's life, I'd try to get her to leave his name off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 Sounds like your DD needs a lawyer to advise her on things like birth certificate, child support, visitation, etc. I believe these things vary by state. Otherwise, lots of hugs to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 There are pros and cons to everything. In many (most?) states, an unmarried father can't be listed on the bc without signing a statement of paternity, anyway. Otoh, he can also petition to get his name on if he wants it, even if she doesn't. Child support cannot be collected without the father on the bc or at least a certificate of parentage. It sounds all well and good to say she doesn't want cs, but it IS very much the baby's right. It's okay to alternate thinking about the messy stuff with thinking about the fun, cuddly stuff. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in SC Posted December 19, 2012 Author Share Posted December 19, 2012 Thanks to everyone for the advice & encouragement. Dh is getting an attorney recommendation from his corporate attorney. We'd like to have someone if she needs one, and also if she just has questions. There are so many laws that it becomes difficult to really understand the pros/cons of various decisions. I appreciate all everyone has shared. Amo, your experiences were particularly helpful, and brought up issues we hadn't considered. Thanks for being so open. I'll gently re-visit the midwife option with her soon, once her emotions aren't so raw. Again, thank you all! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 You've been given excellent advice. Your family is in my thoughts and prayer. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Granny_Weatherwax Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 Someone asked on the old thread how things are going with our dd who is expecting, so I just figured I'd start a new topic with the update. She asked me to go to the ob/gyn with her, so we went Monday. All seems ok. The dr gave her a due date of 8/8. I think it's the 10 th, but I'm not the one with the medical degree lol. He said she was 6 weeks 3 days on Monday. She's on prenatals and eating very, very well (nutritionally, not huge amounts haha) As this was just a confirm & prescribe vitamins appt, she's to go back on 12/31 for her first official appt. The young man now knows, as does his family. That is not going well. As she's an adult, and has a stubborn streak a country mile wide, I have to walk a fine line where I let her know we're here for her and support her, but not seem to be too involved or she decides to do the opposite of what's best for her. She's so fragile right now that I can only advise her and love her. Then love her some more. If I do much more, it has the potential of being perceived as meddling, which she balks at and which I don't want to do. Anyway, the father seems very strange. One moment he says he wants to be at least a small part of things, the next he's demanding that she take a pregnancy test in front of him. She has already said she did not tell him for monetary reasons. She told him because it was the right thing to do. He's in his early 20's, but had his mom call her to try to persuade her to give the baby for adoption. He has been hoping she'll decide to terminate. She wants nothing to do with those suggestions and has made them aware that she firmly intends to carry, deliver and be a mama to this baby. His mother ended the conversation by saying he needs to finish school (we all agree); he can't work and go to school ( dd does this); perhaps when the baby is around a year old, he can "jump back into her life." so. This is where he is at the moment. It was not necessarily what anyone hoped for, but the reaction is one we had considered. So. That's all I can think of at the moment. If anyone has advice, hugs,or other supportive things to share, I'll take it! :) oh sweetie, I know exactly what you are going through. My daughter is an unwed mother and we are fighting with a difficult baby daddy. Please remember that the intial reaction of the dad and his family is stemming from shock. As the pregnancy progresses and reality sets in things will change. I cannot say they will get better, just different. I have more to say but I haven't read the other replies yet and I don't want to repeat what others may have said. I do want to give you lots of hugs, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oak Knoll Mom Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 It sounds all well and good to say she doesn't want cs, but it IS very much the baby's right. :iagree: My brother was an out-of-wedlock father in SC. I'll try to ask him or my mom about the birth certificate. I remember there being some hoops he had to jump through to be on the birth certificate since they weren't married. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Granny_Weatherwax Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 Okay, now that I have read through the other posts. I second the idea about looking into a midwife. My DD is petite, 5' 5" and weighs 94 pounds. As soon as she found out she was pregnant I had her in to see an OB and midwife. The OB said that due to DD's size she would have to have a c-section before the due date because the baby would be too big for her to deliver. The midwife said she wanted DD to have a natural birth. We went with the midwife and that woman was amazing. DD had a natural, full term birth and both she and the baby are fine. Another young lady we knew became pregnant a year later and recently delivered her baby with the OB. After 14 hours of labor the OB told her she had to have a non-emergency c-section because he didn't like young moms laboring for longer than 15 hours. This seems to be standard practice in our area. I would reiterate the advice about getting an attorney. Paternity and family laws are complicated; more so now than 10 years ago. Much of the advice DD and I received early on was outdated and irrelevant. The 'system' is much more equitable these days. Fathers are guaranteed certain rights that were not there 10 or 15 years ago. If he shows any desire to parent the baby after it arrives, your daughter may be in for a fight. From our experience I would advise your daughter to educate herself about state law regarding parental rights. In IL, the push is to name the father and they persue it with a vengeance. This is due to the increasing costs of having a baby and the drain on public aid due the funding of unwed mothers. The state requires the father's name so they can recover some of the costs associated with OB & newborn care. If your daughter is covered under your insurance policy I would call the company immediately to see if OB care is extended to your dependents. We assumed our daughter would be covered and were prepared to pay all of the copays and deductibles. We were surprised and dismayed when we were told that our policy did not cover dependent OB care. Regarding the name on the birth certificate: In IL there is a piece of paper called the Voluntary Admission of Paternity (known as the VAP). This paper is signed by the father within 72 hours of birth and usually before the baby is discharged from the hospital. Once the VAP is filed it is unchangeable. If the VAP is not signed and filed within the 72 hours the father has to petition to establish paternity. I recommend checking the laws for your state. I just looked under SC law and there is a form. It's called the PAA, the Paternity Acknowledgement Affidavit. Here's a link. The laws are a bit different than those here in IL but the outcome is similar. You might want to see if SC has grandparent rights. IL does not so the amount of influence DH and I have over the situation is practically nil. Yes, we can speak with DD and give her our opinions but we are not acknowledged by the court and are excluded from all court proceedings and decisions. For example, if something were to happen to DD, the father could take the baby and we might never see her again. We would be at his mercy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in SC Posted December 19, 2012 Author Share Posted December 19, 2012 You've been given excellent advice. Your family is in my thoughts and prayer. :grouphug: Thanks, Tammy. Prayers are always appreciated! :) oh sweetie, I know exactly what you are going through. My daughter is an unwed mother and we are fighting with a difficult baby daddy. Please remember that the intial reaction of the dad and his family is stemming from shock. As the pregnancy progresses and reality sets in things will change. I cannot say they will get better, just different. I have more to say but I haven't read the other replies yet and I don't want to repeat what others may have said. I do want to give you lots of hugs, though. Thanks, Dragon. If, after reading the responses & you have the time, I'll be happy to hear from you! :iagree: My brother was an out-of-wedlock father in SC. I'll try to ask him or my mom about the birth certificate. I remember there being some hoops he had to jump through to be on the birth certificate since they weren't married. I appreciate that, thanks. I do know there are several different ways to accomplish this, but am not yet clear on specifics. Also, just a general comment regarding a pp about child support being the baby's right. She isn't shutting out the father. When I wrote that dd told them she didn't tell the father for monetary reasons, it was in response to his unsolicited , out of context statement "i'm not emptying my pockets when I don't even know for sure you're pregnant." She wanted him to know that she wasn't attempting to "profit", and was just trying to do the right thing by telling him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavender's green Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 I agree about the birth certificate thing. Without going into too many specifics (it's a complicated story, plus I don't want to go blabbing about the details online), I know a woman in the OP's situation, and her daughter died in a car accident when the baby was young. The father got full custody of the baby and blocks the grandma from seeing her. :crying: You want to be 100% sure of his character before getting that legal connection, is all I can say. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Granny_Weatherwax Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 I agree about the birth certificate thing. Without going into too many specifics (it's a complicated story, plus I don't want to go blabbing about the details online), I know a woman in the OP's situation, and her daughter died in a car accident when the baby was young. The father got full custody of the baby and blocks the grandma from seeing her. :crying: You want to be 100% sure of his character before getting that legal connection, is all I can say. I was adding something similar to this to my post. I am so sorry that woman is going through this. It is a possibility that many people do not consider. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 :grouphug: Also, get your DD information on a doula- a professional labor assistant. Some insurance covers it, fees vary widely, and IMO, it was worth every penny and more- even for my 3rd child with an involved DH. http://www.dona.org/ A professional might be a great help to your DD. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in SC Posted December 19, 2012 Author Share Posted December 19, 2012 Okay, now that I have read through the other posts. I second the idea about looking into a midwife. My DD is petite, 5' 5" and weighs 94 pounds. As soon as she found out she was pregnant I had her in to see an OB and midwife. The OB said that due to DD's size she would have to have a c-section before the due date because the baby would be too big for her to deliver. The midwife said she wanted DD to have a natural birth. We went with the midwife and that woman was amazing. DD had a natural, full term birth and both she and the baby are fine. Another young lady we knew became pregnant a year later and recently delivered her baby with the OB. After 14 hours of labor the OB told her she had to have a non-emergency c-section because he didn't like young moms laboring for longer than 15 hours. This seems to be standard practice in our area. I would reiterate the advice about getting an attorney. Paternity and family laws are complicated; more so now than 10 years ago. Much of the advice DD and I received early on was outdated and irrelevant. The 'system' is much more equitable these days. Fathers are guaranteed certain rights that were not there 10 or 15 years ago. If he shows any desire to parent the baby after it arrives, your daughter may be in for a fight. From our experience I would advise your daughter to educate herself about state law regarding parental rights. In IL, the push is to name the father and they persue it with a vengeance. This is due to the increasing costs of having a baby and the drain on public aid due the funding of unwed mothers. The state requires the father's name so they can recover some of the costs associated with OB & newborn care. If your daughter is covered under your insurance policy I would call the company immediately to see if OB care is extended to your dependents. We assumed our daughter would be covered and were prepared to pay all of the copays and deductibles. We were surprised and dismayed when we were told that our policy did not cover dependent OB care. Regarding the name on the birth certificate: In IL there is a piece of paper called the Voluntary Admission of Paternity (known as the VAP). This paper is signed by the father within 72 hours of birth and usually before the baby is discharged from the hospital. Once the VAP is filed it is unchangeable. If the VAP is not signed and filed within the 72 hours the father has to petition to establish paternity. I recommend checking the laws for your state. I just looked under SC law and there is a form. It's called the PAA, the Paternity Acknowledgement Affidavit. Here's a link. The laws are a bit different than those here in IL but the outcome is similar. Wow, thank you so much for taking the time to share all of this info! It's extremely helpful. All of it, really. I also appreciated you writing of the huge difference between ob and midwife care. It makes perfect sense. I told dh that I already felt like this ob was pro c-section after the very first visit. Dd isn't as petite as yours. She's 5'4", 120 lbs., but she's small; just muscular. Anyway, he seemed very, very "medical" to me. As I wrote before, he came up with an edd that was 2 days earlier than I figured (at least I think I wrote that...may have forgotten). The date of her lmp was 11/3, so it seems 8/10/13 would be correct, but he says 8/8/13. It may not seem like a big deal, but even 2 days can make a difference at the end if he pushes for a c-section. Odds are, with our summer move, he wouldn't deliver her anyway, but why chance it? We'll be re-visiting the provider subject soon. Thanks again! I can't tell you how much I appreciate it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 In some states your dd will not be able to collect help from the state without giving the name of the father and giving the state the opportunity to require him to help pay. I agree with talking to a lawyer, there are a lot of pros and cons to consider. Even if your insurance covers her OB care, it probably will not cover her baby. So, you all need to look into insurance for baby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Granny_Weatherwax Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 In some states your dd will not be able to collect help from the state without giving the name of the father and giving the state the opportunity to require him to help pay. I agree with talking to a lawyer, there are a lot of pros and cons to consider. Even if your insurance covers her OB care, it probably will not cover her baby. So, you all need to look into insurance for baby. I agree. Some insurance companies will cover grandchildren if they live with you and you are the primary care provider (i.e. housing, clothing, etc.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oak Knoll Mom Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 Tried to send you a PM, but it wouldn't let me. Let me know if you need a family law attorney in Greenville. I can recommend a couple. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phathui5 Posted December 21, 2012 Share Posted December 21, 2012 Midwife talking points: - A midwife will spend more time at appointments with you. - A midwife will respect your wishes for the birth, whether it's medicated and in a hospital or natural at home or a birth center. - A midwife does what she does to serve women. http://www.sc-midwives.org/directory.html Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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