Need advice/opinions on family issue

[*Lulu*]

Okay this IS NOT a JAWM thread. That being said, gentleness would be appreciated as this is an open wound today.

 

My family has never come around about homeschooling; they are generally quiet about thier disapproval, but it does sneak in in odd, almost passive aggressive, comments. It is an uneasy peace as I have one of those families that is extremely at home in each others business. (I also come from a long line of educators and was teaching before Punk was born.)

 

A few years ago we noticed that something was not right with Punk and began to mention it within the family and to our pediatricians. A year ago I read some things here that sent me searching for information on SPD and trying to figure out if that could be what was going on. Every time it would come up my mother would brush me off, poo-poo my concerns, or turn it into a way to comment on how being in a school setting with peers would solve the issue. So I quit talking about it with anyone but my best friend and my husband.

 

This year we finally were able to get a pediatrician to seriously listen to our concerns and, after spending some time observing Punk at his best and worst, came away with referrals for PT and OT and the doctor's opinion that Punk has either mild Asperger's or SPD-nos. We had a few setbacks the first month, but are seeing great progress. *I* am just really finding my feet now, and have definitely been feeling the strain of giving all of my children what they need, educationally and otherwise.

 

(My gracious, this got long!)

 

So, my mom and I spoke about everything for the first time in months and I was totally taken aback at her comments. She stated that Punk would not have had these problems if he had been given more peer socialization. She followed that one up by telling me about these ASD students she had worked with whose parents were crippling them to the point they could not even hold a job and admonished me not to handicap him with my parenting.

 

I feel angry and hurt. I cannot decide if I am over-reacting, under-reacting, or getting what I deserve for letting the conversation go there in the first place. Things in my immediate family are getting better each day but we are working hard to make that our reality. Knowing that, I am unsure about where I go from here. If it is time to lay new boundaries, where is reasonable?

[TranquilMind]

Okay this IS NOT a JAWM thread. That being said, gentleness would be appreciated as this is an open wound today.

 

My family has never come around about homeschooling; they are generally quiet about thier disapproval, but it does sneak in in odd, almost passive aggressive, comments. It is an uneasy peace as I have one of those families that is extremely at home in each others business. (I also come from a long line of educators and was teaching before Punk was born.)

 

A few years ago we noticed that something was not right with Punk and began to mention it within the family and to our pediatricians. A year ago I read some things here that sent me searching for information on SPD and trying to figure out if that could be what was going on. Every time it would come up my mother would brush me off, poo-poo my concerns, or turn it into a way to comment on how being in a school setting with peers would solve the issue. So I quit talking about it with anyone but my best friend and my husband.

 

This year we finally were able to get a pediatrician to seriously listen to our concerns and, after spending some time observing Punk at his best and worst, came away with referrals for PT and OT and the doctor's opinion that Punk has either mild Asperger's or SPD-nos. We had a few setbacks the first month, but are seeing great progress. *I* am just really finding my feet now, and have definitely been feeling the strain of giving all of my children what they need, educationally and otherwise.

 

(My gracious, this got long!)

 

So, my mom and I spoke about everything for the first time in months and I was totally taken aback at her comments. She stated that Punk would not have had these problems if he had been given more peer socialization. She followed that one up by telling me about these ASD students she had worked with whose parents were crippling them to the point they could not even hold a job and admonished me not to handicap him with my parenting.

 

I feel angry and hurt. I cannot decide if I am over-reacting, under-reacting, or getting what I deserve for letting the conversation go there in the first place. Things in my immediate family are getting better each day but we are working hard to make that our reality. Knowing that I am unsure about where I go from here. If it is time to lay new boundaries, where is reasonable?

 

 

Your Mom is mistaken. Too much time with peers causes a lot of problems. Here's a great book I just read called Hold On to Your Kids.

 

I'm sorry about your child and hope you can get some answers and things that would help. I'd just tell Mom her comments were NOT helpful, that her job is to support you, as her child, and that you needed her in that role. She should withhold judgment of your parenting until your kids are grown! Then she will see how you did.

[bettyandbob]

OUCH! I think it would be a while before my mom saw her grandkids if she said something like that. I think you need some boundaries. I wouldn't know where to start because I am not sure how much contact and what type of contact you have. But you need support and she seems like she's just going to hurt you now, so if it were me I'd avoid her for the simple reason that her behavior hurts and that makes it hard for you to be the best parent you can be, which is what you really need to focus on now.

 

You need to search local homeschool groups and see if you can find a special needs group so you can connect with other moms. You need a supportive network that can hook you into all the local resources. I'm sorry your mom cannot be a part of your supportive network right now.

 

:grouphug:

[Desert Rat]

I agree with TM. The SPD-nos kids I know have a terrible time in school. The one I know most closely (I watched him for 4 days and have weekly interactions with him), has not one single friend in school. He is picked on terribly and reacts. He is expelled for days at a time and can not even play at recess. He has to go help in the office or sit by himself in the classroom. This does him no good. He's a brilliant kid. He's not in school for academics, IYKWIM. He's there to work on social skills and has an IEP for it. I don't see that it's helping.

 

I'm sorry you can't talk to your parents about your son and your struggles. I'm sad for you because my mom helps me so much with my quirky kid. But, I do understand what you are going through. If I hear one more time from other family that the kids need to be in school, or "socialize" more, that I'm ruining them, or that a family dog would fix everything (yeah, she's a wacko), I'll puke.

 

FWIW, you are doing the right thing. I tried to talk my friend into bringing him home. But, she is a special ed teacher and insists that the school must work for her because she knows her rights. I understand her position and situation. I just can't help hurting for the little boy who tries so hard and still doesn't have friends.

[Guest inoubliable]

Oh. :grouphug: It sounds like you've done a lot of research and consulted with professionals. Not to mention that no one is going to know your kid like you do. It sounds like you're doing right by your kiddo. It sucks that your family isn't more supportive. I agree with a PP in that getting into a local support group/homeschooling group is a good step to take.

[misty.warden]

She stated that Punk would not have had these problems if he had been given more peer socialization. She followed that one up by telling me about these ASD students she had worked with whose parents were crippling them to the point they could not even hold a job and admonished me not to handicap him with my parenting.

 

I feel angry and hurt. I cannot decide if I am over-reacting, under-reacting, or getting what I deserve for letting the conversation go there in the first place. Things in my immediate family are getting better each day but we are working hard to make that our reality. Knowing that, I am unsure about where I go from here. If it is time to lay new boundaries, where is reasonable?

 

Where is reasonable? I'd put my boundary at the state line unless there's some way to have that relationship without ever discussing the ASD or your parenting ever again. Having someone tell you that you're handicapping your child simply by parenting and suggesting that he would not have developed like this had he been around more children is complete nonsense and IMO not indicative of "things getting better." Disrespect and fake science theories have no place in what should be a loving relationship.

 

Sorry it's not terribly gentle, that kind of schlock makes my blood boil.

[SKL]

I have a best friend who criticizes everything I do that is different from the way she was raised. She means well, but - well, you know. What shuts her up is when I tell her that some expert agrees with me (or better yet, that multiple experts - kids' therapist, scholarly study, etc. - agree with me).

 

As for family - mine tends to have old-fashioned beliefs. One thing that helps here is that I have my sister spend the day with my kids on Sunday (while I work). She gets to see up-close and personal how my kids operate, and I tell her a bit of what we're doing and why. She can see the wisdom in it and can sort of have my back when it comes to less-informed family members.

 

From your tone, it sounds like your family is caring but uninformed. Would it help to email your mom some internet links so an "expert" can tell her directly why you're doing the right things?

 

If you feel your family will continue to criticize, come up with a few closed-ended answers to the usual questions and change the subject to something all can agree on. If pressed, you might say something like "I am committed to follow the course recommended by his therapist, as it makes sense to me. The results will not be seen overnight, so right now it is too early to draw conclusions."

[Parrothead]

No, you are justified in your feelings. Your mother is trying to guilt you into doing what she wants. Not what is best for your children. Probably no matter what you say to her you will be in the wrong unless you tell her you are doing what she wants you to do.

 

As hard as it is, the best thing you can do is not tell her about your homeschooling or your kids medical needs. If she asks just tell her you have things under control and the kids are progressing nicely. Bring your problem to your dh, your friend or here.

 

It is hard when our parents refuse to see us as capable adults making the best decisions for our kids. I have one just like yours. :grouphug:

[*Lulu*]

Thank y'all. I think realizing my mom, who I have always thought I was close to and who has spent years teaching children with special medical needs, thought my son is struggling because of *me* was just too much.

 

Cutting her out is a last, last, last plan since she and Punk are extremely close and it would hurt him very much. (She has never said anything negative to or in front of him.) I do think that the plan of "advanced bean dip" may be my best one at this time. With all the holiday plans we already have with my family, I am going to earn a black-belt in tongue biting before the first of the year!

[TranquilMind]

Thank y'all. I think realizing my mom, who I have always thought I was close to and who has spent years teaching children with special medical needs, thought my son is struggling because of *me* was just too much.

 

Cutting her out is a last, last, last plan since she and Punk are extremely close and it would hurt him very much. (She has never said anything negative to or in front of him.) I do think that the plan of "advanced bean dip" may be my best one at this time. With all the holiday plans we already have with my family, I am going to earn a black-belt in tongue biting before the first of the year!

 

I would confront her about how this made you feel, you know, "Mom when you said X, you made me feel like my son is struggling because I am his parent, not because he has XYZ going on. That hurt my feelings, and is demonstrably untrue and here's why....". Otherwise, she will never know, and will only change if it occurs to her. If you say something, at least you tried, even if she doesn't change.

[Impish]

She sounds completely ignorant. I mean that in the Webster's def'n of the word, not as an insult. If she honestly thinks that Punk's issues could be created by parenting, or that other kids in a similar boat are created by parenting, she's in sore need of educating on this subject.

 

And I'd tell her that. That her ignorance caused you a lot of pain, and here's some books/articles to read. And that you didn't ever want to hear such a thing coming out of her head again.

[Audrey]

Thank y'all. I think realizing my mom, who I have always thought I was close to and who has spent years teaching children with special medical needs, thought my son is struggling because of *me* was just too much.

 

Cutting her out is a last, last, last plan since she and Punk are extremely close and it would hurt him very much. (She has never said anything negative to or in front of him.) I do think that the plan of "advanced bean dip" may be my best one at this time. With all the holiday plans we already have with my family, I am going to earn a black-belt in tongue biting before the first of the year!

 

 

Do you have the kind of relationship with your mom where you could tell her that what you need most from her in this very difficult, emotion -laden issue with your child is unwavering, uncritical support? Because if you are close, that isn't at all too much to ask, nor too much to give.

[*Lulu*]

 

 

Do you have the kind of relationship with your mom where you could tell her that what you need most from her in this very difficult, emotion -laden issue with your child is unwavering, uncritical support? Because if you are close, that isn't at all too much to ask, nor too much to give.

 

I need to this about this more, because my gut response to your post is that all heck would break loose if I did this.

[Joanne]

Thank y'all. I think realizing my mom, who I have always thought I was close to and who has spent years teaching children with special medical needs, thought my son is struggling because of *me* was just too much.

 

Cutting her out is a last, last, last plan since she and Punk are extremely close and it would hurt him very much. (She has never said anything negative to or in front of him.) I do think that the plan of "advanced bean dip" may be my best one at this time. With all the holiday plans we already have with my family, I am going to earn a black-belt in tongue biting before the first of the year!

 

As the author of the original recipe bean dip. ;)

 

Tell her exactly the above, plus a bit:

 

"Mom, I respect your years of experience. It's been hard for me, for that reason, to know you blame me for my son's issues. However, as experienced as you are on this issue, you are wrong about my son and the etyology of his issues as well as the best remedies. Your perspective and your feelings about it are damaging OUR relationship and putting your relationship with him at risk. Since i can't change your thinking, I am going to insist that you keep your opinions to yourself. Discussing it with you is not an option. if you try, I leave."

[tex-mex]

As a former schoolteacher, I find my former profession tends to be one where we are the MOST critical and think we-know-it-all. My son has PDD-NOS/Borderline Asperger's Syndrome. I had to re-learn everything when he was dx'ed. The new DSM V just revised the definitions for ASD... and as a special ed teacher, she needs to support the OP and be humble while learning more about ASD.

[Impish]

I need to this about this more, because my gut response to your post is that all heck would break loose if I did this.

*gently* Then I'd reassess your statement in the op about the family being extremely at home in each other's business. It sounds as though SOME family members are accorded that, but it's not an equal thing at all.

[Pippen]

IMO the chances are pretty good that if she didn't have homeschooling to "blame", Grandma would have made some other comment that would have left you feeling hurt. My experience with grandparents (and often dads) is that often they are dealing with serious cases of Gene Pool Pride. Frequently they don't even recognize the child's issues, much less accept them, especially when the diagnosis is new.

 

The least said to family right now about diagnosis, treatment, etc, the better, especially this is all new to you. Answer questions briefly and vaguely and then move the conversation along.

 

Don't let the comments get to you. You have to do what's right for your son.

[Audrey]

I need to this about this more, because my gut response to your post is that all heck would break loose if I did this.

 

 

I'm sorry. It shouldn't be that hard. If your daughter was going through something very rough and you disagreed with how or why she is in that spot, would you be able to accept her request to take a step back and just be there for her without criticism? I know it would be kind of difficult to ask, and would need some careful thought about how to word it so it doesn't sound like attacking her, but would it be worth a shot?

 

I don't know your mom, so really... I'm just thinking out loud here.

 

:grouphug:

[Χά�ων]

A few years ago we noticed that something was not right with Punk and began to mention it within the family and to our pediatricians. A year ago I read some things here that sent me searching for information on SPD and trying to figure out if that could be what was going on. Every time it would come up my mother would brush me off, poo-poo my concerns, or turn it into a way to comment on how being in a school setting with peers would solve the issue. So I quit talking about it with anyone but my best friend and my husband.

 

 

 

YOU are right. I do not care if he is so mildly affected that only you ever really pick up on it. If deep down you know something is up, something is up. If they say different that means they do not have your experience. Parents always know.

 

If you weren't homeschooling it would be something else.

 

My DS has a life threatening medical condition as well as some severe learning disabilities but functions above what anyone expects and even the trained OT's he was around took several months to pick up on it. But with that said before we got the medical diagnosis and were seeking answers I kept hearing how DS just needed to be in school and then he would not complain of pain and would be able to do everything normal kids do. I didn't listen and kept plugging away. Had I listened DS would be a lot sicker or, very possibly, dead. That "if he was in school" thing is a huge trigger for me now.

[chiguirre]

So, my mom and I spoke about everything for the first time in months and I was totally taken aback at her comments. She stated that Punk would not have had these problems if he had been given more peer socialization. She followed that one up by telling me about these ASD students she had worked with whose parents were crippling them to the point they could not even hold a job and admonished me not to handicap him with my parenting.

 

Wow, I'm offended for you and for all the poor parents who've had to deal with the carp when she was teaching their kids. Although it won't help your family situation, please educate your mom about ASDs. She has NO business blaming the parents for her asd students' disabilities. It's offensive and unprofessional.

 

Unfortunately, if she's been blaming the parents for her asd students' failures instead of looking at her teaching methods, it will be really hard for her to accept that her grandson has these same issues. It's hard for grandparents to accept even when they don't have that kind of baggage. Maybe give her some time to grieve privately, send her some books on ASD from a parent's perspective and try to avoid the subject until she brings it up. But, don't accept any blame from her, call her out on it! It's just unacceptable and you shouldn't accept it at all, ever.

[...................]

As a parent of a child with Asperger's I can relate. I don't think my mom has or will ever admit it. At times it saddens me but I think the long distance and infrequency of and shortness of visits make it neatly impossible for her to really see some if the behaviors and difficulties.

 

I will say that it's very very common for Aspergers kids who have mild Aspergers and high IQ, to be assumed to be normal. People just think they are rude, thoughtless or at best, awkward.

 

On the other hand I think what your mom was trying to convey was similar to what my Christian psychologist was trying to convey to me last year. She felt that me constantly saying things like "aspie moment" or bringing up Aspergers constantly or blaming all his problems on Aspergers or being too protective or in the other hand, too frustrated all the time, would cripple him because he would at some point start thinking that he wouldn't be able to have a full life in some way. She really stressed that being aware of the diagnosis is ultra important and even he should know and understand the diagnosis. But she also felt tHat he should not make fun of himself, or blame everything on it or give up on certain things because of it. I wonder if that is what your mom feared. It was still unkind of her to say what she did.

 

My mom has at least admitted that he is "different," "gifted," and "into computers so much," and that's a good start. She loves him to death and she's a great mom. So I don't really care if she never admits it. It would be nice, but I'm not going to die on that hill!

[MomatHWTK]

It seems like she had a problem with parents who put their children in ps as well since she was discussing how they had all done the wrongs things too. I would intepret that broad indictment of all parenting of children with ASD to mean that she doesn't understand ASD at all. I would assume she thinks that the exact right sort of parenting can make all the problems go away. :glare: