Donna Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 My sister has complained over the years that she and I do not know each other. She says she wants to be "friends" with me. We live on completely different sides of the country so don't see each other much. We've never been close. She's 3 years younger than me and our personalities could not be more different. The 1-2 times a year we do see each other we talk about her kids and I answer her questions about mine in a very general fashion being sure to leave out anything that might seem "controversial" or might seem like a "brag" to her. This dynamic has formed from years of dealing with her and learning what is "safe" to say and what is not. The problem is we can never have a real conversation about anything. All conversation has to be kept at a small niceties level because she turns everything else into me attacking her. She and I have different lifestyles which is fine with me....just about everyone I know has a different lifestyle than I do. I appreciate my friends as people and like to hear about their choices and decisions. With my friends, I often have great conversations about why we chose different paths in life. But my sister can't agree to disagree and have that be okay. Even me telling her our different ways of doing things is fine by me is a "passive aggressive" comment. Recently, she made another request to try and be friends. I let my guard down and answered some of her questions in a more open way. She turned everything I tried to share about myself into something against her. I thought I would share about myself then she would share with me about herself and we'd get to know each other better but it didn't work that way. I don't understand how my way of doing things has any bearing on her own life. When there are choices put in front of us, each of us will chose something different and one choice is not always better or more right than another....they are just different. I am thinking there is just no way to be close to her. When she acts this way I feel like I am a child again having to defend myself while she tells my parents I'm picking on her. Is it possible to have a close relationship with a family member who takes everything you say and turns it into a negative comment on their own lifestyle or choices? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VeganMama Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 Could it be that she is jealous of you or is just really insecure about her life/lifestyle? :\ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 no. Sorry. You might ask her what that would look like to her and how she proposes you get there. Really listen and see if it will work. In the end, I would just tell sister, "I would love a closer relationship also; we just don't seem to be able to communicate in a way that makes that possible." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 I don't know, really. It does sound like there are a lot of communication barriers between you. How did you counter her comments about what you shared? Did you stay in communication with her, and say something like you did in your third paragraph? Beginning with the "I thought I would share..." part, that's a really great comeback to someone fussing at you about what you shared. It says what you expected, and shows your pov without being harsh at all. I'm sorry it takes so much work. I'd say keep at it, and ask her to keep your parents out of it, too, btw... I don't have a relationship with my only living bro, and I sure wish I did. He won't communicate at all with me. It's nice she's at least trying to reach out and wants to be close, even if you have to stumble around a bit to see what that would look like. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 No, I could not have a close relationship with someone like that. Because she is your sister, I would still keep in touch but keep my distance. She needs realize that things in your life are about you, not about her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 it sounds like she is either very jealous or very insecure. If she says again that she wants to be friends, I would tell her you've tried and tried but it never works. I'd tell her that your current relationship is better than no relationship, it keeps peace, and you can't change things again because you can NOT feel like you're walking on eggshells every time you see/speak to her. it is SO childish that she involves your parents. My sister was just like that. For me, her toxicity made me sever ties with her because it was just so unhealthy a relationship for us and it stressed out my family. My sister ruined ALL holidays. Not some, ALL. I am not suggesting that you sever ties with your sister, but I don't think you should try at a deeper relationship unless there is real change in you, your sister or both.. I did tell my sister that I needed a peaceful relationship or we could have none at all. we have none at all. Thing is, she has no relationships really. She's just a mess and fights with EVERYONE. her second marriage is all but over, her son barely talks to her unless he needs something, she fights with all her friends. I could never live like that. I would not share openly with your sister. She obviously reflects EVERYTHING you say on her in an unhealthy way. Maybe one day you will have a deeper relationship with her. for now, I think keeping things light is what will save the relationship. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 My sister has complained over the years that she and I do not know each other. She says she wants to be "friends" with me. We live on completely different sides of the country so don't see each other much. We've never been close. She's 3 years younger than me and our personalities could not be more different. The 1-2 times a year we do see each other we talk about her kids and I answer her questions about mine in a very general fashion being sure to leave out anything that might seem "controversial" or might seem like a "brag" to her. This dynamic has formed from years of dealing with her and learning what is "safe" to say and what is not. The problem is we can never have a real conversation about anything. All conversation has to be kept at a small niceties level because she turns everything else into me attacking her. She and I have different lifestyles which is fine with me....just about everyone I know has a different lifestyle than I do. I appreciate my friends as people and like to hear about their choices and decisions. With my friends, I often have great conversations about why we chose different paths in life. But my sister can't agree to disagree and have that be okay. Even me telling her our different ways of doing things is fine by me is a "passive aggressive" comment. Recently, she made another request to try and be friends. I let my guard down and answered some of her questions in a more open way. She turned everything I tried to share about myself into something against her. I thought I would share about myself then she would share with me about herself and we'd get to know each other better but it didn't work that way. I don't understand how my way of doing things has any bearing on her own life. When there are choices put in front of us, each of us will chose something different and one choice is not always better or more right than another....they are just different. I am thinking there is just no way to be close to her. When she acts this way I feel like I am a child again having to defend myself while she tells my parents I'm picking on her. Is it possible to have a close relationship with a family member who takes everything you say and turns it into a negative comment on their own lifestyle or choices? There are really only two choices here. One is to be absolutely oblivious to her whining and keep cheerfully relating to her totally superficially. No matter what she says. The other is to tell her, "We cannot be closer because you attack the differences in our lifestyles. When we speak you argue with everything I say. You also gossip about me to others." If you want to work past this, you must put it in the open and say it like it is. Also, then, when she does react defensively, you say, "You are attacking me just when I opened up to you about our life. The way we do things in our family has nothing to do with you nor is it a judgment on you. We will have to stop talking now." The latter option will require extensive repetition and trainig, and will likely increase the drama significantly. If you want the true friendship, though, that is the only way. However, if you don't think your sister is capable of recognizing what she is doing and working past it, then you must choose the first option. There is nothing wrong morally or otherwise with showing kindness to her at the level at which she is capable of receiving it. Honestly, I would probably choose the first option myself--if she reacts to you as if you are attacking her, she will react perhaps more strongly to the kind of honesty that it would take to truly be friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caitilin Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 This describes my relationship with my sister. And for very much the same reasons I can't be "friends" with her. I don't have anything wise to say. Just that you aren't the only one. Yep, ditto this. Sad but true. :crying: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 Some people feel accused when someone else makes choices that are different/opposite of their choices. With my own sister, homeschooling got between us until I realized she felt accused of being wrong simply by my choice. I made a point of saying 'just because we homeschool doesn't mean I think you're wrong to send your kids to public school.' This same dynamic happens with other choices not just homeschooling. Maybe your sister needs to hear that you're not judging her, not that you are but she might feel that way because your choice differ. "When I try to share if seems like you get defensive, just so you know when I share what I like or think it doesn't mean I disapprove of what you like or think" Perhaps to help with getting to know each other you could each read the same book or see the same movie and then discuss it via email or phone or whatever. I hope this relationship does work out for you. My sister relationships aren't perfect but I am so glad for them and enriched by them. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 I think so but I also think you'd have to tell her what you've told us. "I want to have a closer relationship as well but I feel that when we talk and I share things about myself I come across the wrong way and seem like I'm judging you. I'm not. I admire you and your life. I think you've done really well and I'm proud of what you've accomplished. So if I seem to be coming off as judgemental, it's not my intent." She's your younger sister so maybe what she's really looking for is some approval from you, afeeling that you're proud of her and in the absence of that your comments about your life feel like expectations you want her to meet. I'd just spend a lot of time listening to her, letting her know when she's done well and you're proud of (and maybe even a bit jealous) her. Don't counter her stories with ones about yours, just focus on hearing her for awhile. I'm a big sister too and it took me until a couple of years ago to realize that role comes with baggage and responsibility, even when we're older. You're expecting an equal relationship while she's looking for big sibling approval maybe? Give that a bit of time, work on that and you probably will get to the point where she isn't so sensitive and you guys can be closer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted November 20, 2012 Author Share Posted November 20, 2012 Thank you all for your thoughts and for sharing your experiences. I did tell her most of what I told you all without putting in the part about me thinking she turns everything around. I didn't want to increase her defensiveness by even bringing that part up. I have tried being very positive about specific aspects of her life but it seems she only hears what she wants to hear. During our last discussion, I told her I was simply sharing about my life and let her know I wasn't putting any value judgements on different choices by describing my own...that there is no "right or wrong" in some choices. I haven't heard from her since. I don't know. It is really exhausting to always be on guard and have to pre-censor everything I say. I guess I will just let things continue the way they have been and give up on the idea of a closer relationship for the time being. I am not having a very good year extended family-wise. Ugh! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 It is really exhausting to always be on guard and have to pre-censor everything I say. I live this way with some who are dear to me and am in the process of drawing back gently from those relationships. It is hard, and there is nothing about that that will ever lead to friendship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 Thank you all for your thoughts and for sharing your experiences. I did tell her most of what I told you all without putting in the part about me thinking she turns everything around. I didn't want to increase her defensiveness by even bringing that part up. I have tried being very positive about specific aspects of her life but it seems she only hears what she wants to hear. During our last discussion, I told her I was simply sharing about my life and let her know I wasn't putting any value judgements on different choices by describing my own...that there is no "right or wrong" in some choices. I haven't heard from her since. I don't know. It is really exhausting to always be on guard and have to pre-censor everything I say. I guess I will just let things continue the way they have been and give up on the idea of a closer relationship for the time being. I am not having a very good year extended family-wise. Ugh! This is why I'd just stick to listening to her for awhile. She's had this hang-up for awhile and she's super sensitive about it. She needs distance from it to be able to see what you're pointing out and the way to do that is to just listen to her for awhile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 This describes a relationship I have, not with a close family member but an extended family member. I would say no, there is no way you can have a close relationship with her (as is), although you can certainly have some kind of a surface relationship with her. In my situation, I just try and keep the peace and show kindness toward her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 I'm sorry to say this, but I think you have to let your hopes go, and face the fact that at this point in your lives, you and your sister can't be friends. Perhaps some day, that will change, but right now, I would think that the more you deal with her, the more likely it will be that you'll end up in a huge fight and end up permanently damaging the relationship. I would try to keep things as superficial as possible. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 I'm going to say yes again. Look, none of us here are privy to your relationship and none of us no the exact dynamics. We may think we have similar experiences but who on earth can truly diagnose a relationship within the space of a couple of message board posts. She wants a relationship. If you want one as well then there's little reason why you can't have one. Might there be baggage to work out? Yes. Might there be hard times and misunderstandings? Yes. Might it take a lot of hard work? Yes. But the two of you can manage to work it out if you're both committed. What you need to use this message board for is to gather ideas on how to help your sister and you work this out, NOT to ask strangers to pass judgement on a relationship we know very, very little about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Same thing here. Small talk. That's about it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted November 22, 2012 Author Share Posted November 22, 2012 What you need to use this message board for is to gather ideas on how to help your sister and you work this out, NOT to ask strangers to pass judgement on a relationship we know very, very little about. I appreciate this. I was looking for ideas or maybe some btdt response where someone found a way to make a similar situation work. This has been an issue my whole adult life. Her asking to be "friends" comes up about every 4-5 years or so. I try to stay in touch with her and eventually she stops communicating...either too busy or finds some reason to be mad at me. Maybe she just wants us to have a superficial relationship but talk more often. I don't know. I think I am going to take your advice and give her (another few years of) space. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 Since it is a sister, I would give one crack at telling her how you feel: that she gets defensive about anything you say and it inhibits you severely. Ask her if she is willing to have this pointed out once or twice so she can see what you mean (I found it very difficult with my ex when he would say "I don't like the way you X" and I'd ask for an example and he never, ever in 10 years gave me an example. He's just grumble and say he didn't like the way I X. He could never "remember" one.) Then try your conversation. When she takes it as a slam against her, point this out and tell her you didn't mean it as a slam, and what words did she hear that made her take it that way. Really, really listen and don't interrupt. I don't know if this is possible without counseling (family counseling is often a lot about communication). Another idea is letters. The other can't interrupt and blurt out a defense. They have to sit and think and write out the answer. I wouldn't even do text: real letters. If she is sincere in learning to be friends with you, that could slow her down and make her think before answering. And, you could have someone else read it and see if you are jabbing at all in your expression. You can start out with smallish talk: a beautiful day in the garden. Then move to something slightly more emotional like: my crazy neighbor. My family is fairly far flung physically and emotionally, and I find that we often have humor in our letters. A good funny story brings us together. HTH. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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