10-12 year old kids and "rules"

[mommymilkies]

I realized yesterday that my upbringing was sooooooo very different from my kids'. I was basically a latch key free range kid with almost zero adult supervision. I cooked my own food, did my laundry, watched my brothers, and did whatever I wanted from about 9-10 on.

 

These things are not necessarily strict rules. I consider myself pretty laid back about most things.

 

My 10.5 and 11.5 year olds

* have a 9 pm bedtime other than once a week or so and holidays for movie sleepover nights (with siblings)

*Can only walk the dog 2 blocks (there tend to be a lot of stray dogs that have attacked dd-not seriously, and a guy locally has been seen trying to snatch kids)

*rides her bike only on our block and around a few more if she has her phone and I am outside

*do not get to roam around town by themselves or with other kids.

*have their food mostly prepared by me and given to her at specific times as a family. They usually fix p their own lunch, but I still check to make sure they have certain food groups included.

*have a limit to junk food and what they spend their money on (dd is Scrooge, though, so it's never an issue!)

*Are not allowed to be on their Nook after 10 for lights out

 

Luckily dd is shy, and is good at weeding out bad "friends", and dating is definitely not even in her thought realm. Boys are still gross. :tongue_smilie: My ds makes friends easily and is good about staying away from bad influences and talking to me, too. We have a pretty good, trusting relationship.

 

Is this too much babying? Should I be easing up? I feel bitterly for my upbringing. I felt I wasn't important enough to be cared for anymore, though I certainly enjoyed doing my own thing sometimes. They have not voiced an opinion on the matter, and other than wanting to stay up later, are ok with the rest. We have a tiny house, so staying up later when the littles are asleep is not an option, so unless we win the lotto and move, it's not going to change right now. ;)

 

I'm just wondering how my "rules" compare for other kids in this age range. :lurk5:

[TeenagerMom]

Those seem pretty close to what we do with the exception of food. They are responsible for their own breakfast and lunch. They each also cook dinner for the family 1 night per week. I don't have food that I don't deem acceptable so I don't normally quibble with them unless I notice DD isn't getting enough protein (she is a vegetarian).

[regentrude]

My 10.5 and 11.5 year olds

* have a 9 pm bedtime other than once a week or so and holidays for movie sleepover nights (with siblings)

*Can only walk the dog 2 blocks (there tend to be a lot of stray dogs that have attacked dd-not seriously, and a guy locally has been seen trying to snatch kids)

*rides her bike only on our block and around a few more if she has her phone and I am outside

*do not get to roam around town by themselves or with other kids.

*have their food mostly prepared by me and given to her at specific times as a family. They usually fix p their own lunch, but I still check to make sure they have certain food groups included.

*have a limit to junk food and what they spend their money on (dd is Scrooge, though, so it's never an issue!)

*Are not allowed to be on their Nook after 10 for lights out

 

 

Ours are rather different. At age 10 and 12, my kids:

*did not have a set bedtime. They have been choosing their own bedtime since elementary school

*we lived for a semester in Germany and the kids walked themselves to and from school; the 12 year old used public transit independently in a city of half a million inhabitants.

* did have main meals fixed by me, but were allowed to get themselves food when hungry

* were allowed to spend their own money as they pleased - that, to me, is the point of an allowance. (Junk food is limited because I don't but it)

 

other than wanting to stay up later, are ok with the rest. We have a tiny house, so staying up later when the littles are asleep is not an option,

I do not understand this one. My older one was allowed to stay up later than her baby brother when we lived in a 2 bedroom apartment and the two shared a room- she just stayed in the living room. We adults stayed up later than the kids. Surely this can work in a small house with older kids who can amuse themselves quietly in the living room or kitchen without waking the little ones? Edited October 29, 2012 by regentrude

[BakersDozen]

My "rules" (I actually never thought of them as rules - more of our lifestyle) are almost the same as OP with the exception that my younger dds do not go on walks/bike rides without an older sibling (at least 13yo) along.

 

Given our family dynamic, certain things happen more for sanity than as a "rule". Meals are prepared by one person; no one makes themselves food at any time during the day. I have a written snack schedule and a time for snack, again more for the sake of sanity and the state of my kitchen. :D

 

Bedtimes are 9pm for my 10-12yos mostly because that is what they need (meaning my own dc, not everyone's). We are up early and later bedtimes have been tried with not so good results. It makes the nights they are allowed to stay up late quite special.

 

They have not voiced an opinion on the matter, and other than wanting to stay up later, are ok with the rest. We have a tiny house, so staying up later when the littles are asleep is not an option, so unless we win the lotto and move, it's not going to change right now.

Bedtimes are the only thing my dc have requested be changed over the years. I now have my "littles" in bed at 8:30, "middles" are 8:45-9:00, and older ones are 9:15-9:30. However, if someone who is allowed to stay up later is disrespectful and noisy or does not get in bed when they are supposed to, they go to bed with the littles for a week. We don't usually have an issue after that first time of an early bedtime. ;) Edited October 29, 2012 by LuvnMySvn

[mommymilkies]

I do not understand this one. My older one was allowed to stay up later than her baby brother when we lived in apartments and the two shared a room. We adults stayed up later than the kids. Surely this can work in a small house with older kids who can amuse themselves quietly without waking the little ones? Are you and your DH going to bed at 9pm as well?

 

She can do whatever quietly in bed until about 10. Sometimes later. I usually forget to tell them to turn their bed lights off, because I know they're night owls like me. We've lived in 700-800 sq ft houses before and not had such a noise problem as this one. I swear it echoes like a museum. You can literally hear a cat stretch across the house with the doors closed while you watch TV. Crazy. And their bedrooms are off of the kitchen and by each others, so the little ones can't sleep if they're up arguing over Legos. Kwim? I stay up later, and night is the only time dh and I have to unwind kid-less (well, the toddler sometimes stays up til midnight!). We don't go on dates or vacations or whatever, and I am deeply introverted, so this time sans children is non-negotiable. I wouldn't mind doing schoolwork with them later until 10, for example, but dh says no. That's his only time to see me.

 

I forgot-I do allow them pretty unfettered access to some snacks. Some we have to ration because our budget is very tight and some *cough cough* have been known to eat a $10 bag of almonds in one sitting. They usually ask for something and I say yes 99% of the time. My oldest dd does have a self-imposed limited pescetarian diet and I do have to step in and force her hand in her choices a little since she has dealt with pretty bad deficiencies, though. She's getting better at it after seeing a dermatologist.

Edited October 29, 2012 by mommymilkies

[regentrude]

the little ones can't sleep if they're up arguing over Legos. Kwim?

 

I completely understand. Mine did not have a set bedtime, but they always had a set time when they had to be in their rooms and quiet enough for any family member who wanted to sleep - which was usually I, LOL.

[mommymilkies]

Bedtimes are 9pm for my 10-12yos mostly because that is what they need (meaning my own dc, not everyone's). We are up early and later bedtimes have been tried with not so good results. It makes the nights they are allowed to stay up late quite special.

 

Bedtimes are the only thing my dc have requested be changed over the years. I now have my "littles" in bed at 8:30, "middles" are 8:45-9:00, and older ones are 9:15-9:30. However, if someone who is allowed to stay up later is disrespectful and noisy or does not get in bed when they are supposed to, they go to bed with the littles for a week. We don't usually have an issue after that first time of an early bedtime. ;)

It's more of a lifestyle here, too. They're not written in stone, by any means.

 

I tried no bedtimes for the kids for about a year...utter disaster. Serious sleep deprivation (have you read Mrs Piggle Wiggle?), constant bickering, bad attitudes, everyone was miserable. The little girls go to sleep at 8 still, and go up to 9 at age 9. I'm still trying to decide when to push back that time more, but it might have to wait til we move.

Edited October 29, 2012 by mommymilkies
Please forgive my horrid grammar. I'm exhausted and my ipad is angry at me. :p

[Whoareyou]

I have a 12 yr old.

He has no limits (I guess)

There isn't a bed time, some of his 'best work' is done between 9pm and 2am.

Last year he was able to take his bike 2 miles up to the library during the day while I was at work. 2 miles is the distance he would need to go to the public school daily, just a different direction so I didn't see issue.

He is responsible for breakfast and lunch while I am at work.

He is allowed to go with swim team kids to activities and meets. Most times I just drop off for practice, I do go to all meets that I can (again depends on work).

I started to phase out the babysitter when he was 9, and he was fully capable of being independent by 10.5 yrs old. I realize not all kids develop on the same schedule.

[texasmama]

Your rules are fairly similar to ours, I would say.

 

The kids are allowed to get their own snacks and sometimes (when dad is home with them while I am working two days a week), they get their own meals. This is fun for them and resulted in my 12 year old eating a Hershey bar for breakfast last week. :glare: However, this is not the norm...when I am home, anyway.

 

My kids do have a time when they need to be in their bedrooms. I allow them to read (littlest dd) or talk (my boys, who share a room) as long as they want, though. They are pretty good about managing this in a reasonable fashion. No one is up at midnight reading or talking.

 

I consider myself to be a slightly more than average "protective" parent, if that helps you any.

[Tasia]

It's hard to compare families like this. We're slightly more relaxed, but if what you're doing is working, don't change!

 

My older kids don't have a set "bedtime", but we do suggest that they go to bed around 11 for the oldest two and 10 for the next two. For them, it's more about being well-rested for sports and dance, not an arbitrary "bedtime". Everyone is quiet after my youngest goes to bed, but that's out of courtesy, not a rule.

 

My 11yo walks the dog every morning and has been since he was about 8. She's a German shepherd. He's fast, big and strong for his age. I'm not worried. The boys ride their bikes around the neighborhood at will at about 6, but they're always with each other or with friends. They don't roam around town, but they can roam around our neighborhood. This is typical in our area, which is very safe.

 

I make dinner, and usually lunch, but they feed themselves and each other breakfast and snacks.

 

I don't buy junk food, but if they buy it on their own, they can have it.

 

I don't take electronics at night. If I didn't trust the boys to be responsible with them, they wouldn't own them.

[GWOB]

Your rules sound reasonable to me. I am neither a helicopter parent nor a completely free-range parent. I parent the kids I have;). I am trying to give my 12yo more responsibility. She really wants to babysit her siblings, so I try to leave her alone with them for 30min-an hour. My 12yo and 9yo are in bed by 9:30, but they have the option to read for a while, unless we have to be up early the next morning. We live way, way out in the country. I allow them to roam around outside unsupervised, except for harvest, planting, and hunting time, when we have lots of strangers and/or flying bullets around.

 

My kids are responsible for breakfast and lunch. I usually provide dinner. They may have as many fruits and vegetables as they want, but they have to ask for anything else.

 

If we lived in town (a town of maybe 3,500 people that is fairly isolated), I would allow my oldest to walk/bike to the library or a friend's house within a few blocks.

 

My 12yo received a computer for her birthday. She needed it for her online class and her math program. I do require her to be visible while on the Internet, but she can use it whenever she wants. She is pretty responsible with it.

 

She likes a boy, but since she has a disgusting (though lovable) brother, she thinks most boys are gross. I'm cool with that;). She will have guidelines in place when she decides to date. Nothing super restrictive.

 

I like to pretend we are reasonable parents, but I could be way off base:tongue_smilie:.

[Joanne]

The food rules would not be a match for me. I would not "make sure lunch has certain food groups" for those ages.

 

I hope that with the neighborhood restrictions, you also have taught them how to deal with stray dogs. More importantly (but less likely), how to identify iffy/icky adults. And that you've NOT taught them to "never talk to strangers."

 

Come to think of it, my kids were allowed a lot of neighborhood roaming in groups at that age.

 

I didn't have bedtimes after 10ish, but I did enforce "Mommy is done now". :lol:

 

I did not restrict what they could spend their money on. I restricted "junk" food (and I try not to use that term) by simply not buying what I didn't want them to eat.

[NotSoObvious]

We sound like you. My kids always ask for food, but they are allowed to make it sometimes. I do make sure they get enough nutrition though. They are 10! They'd eat cheese and crackers for every meal if they could. Plus, we are on a budget, so they can't sit and eat a whole bag or box of something, but they can have an apple. ;) we live 20 mi from the grocery store, so we have to plan ahead. They most certainly do not have free reign of the fridge.

 

We live in the country, so they are allowed in our yard. If we still lived in our tight neighborhood, they could go to a friend's house alone, but they still would not be allowed to roam or go down to the park alone. And they most certainly would not be "in town" alone. No movies, etc. without an adult.

 

I was just thinking about this last night! How timely. I also feel bitter about the lack of care I had at this age. Yes, I grew to be independent, but at too early of an age. Thank god nothing horrible ever happened. I was just lucky. I would never put that kind of pressure on my kids to take care of themselves or each other (this young). It works for us and we have awesome kids and a good relationship.

[2squared]

Your rules seem reasonable, but we give our 10.5yo more freedom. She is extremely responsible, and I try to match her freedoms to her responsibilities. She has just started babysitting my 2yo (birthday is today!), so I think she should have freedom and responsibility to prepare food in the kitchen. She has a "job" helping her dance instructor for 4hours on Mondays, so she has freedom to walk around our little town by herself. She spends her own allowance, but I try to give guidance. We usually have a family bedtime, but that's because we all stay up too late. Weekends she can stay up later as long as her attitude is acceptable the next day.

 

I think this is a perfect age for giving more freedom, but then matching that freedom to additional responsibilities.

[NanceXToo]

My just turned 12 year old usually has to go to bed around 10ish but if something's going on or she's hanging out with her dad or whatever, it's been known to be later, it's kind of flexible.

 

She can play freely on our block and yard but to leave the block and go to the park around the corner or bike ride around a few block radius, she has to be with other kids, not alone, and has to have her phone on her so we can get in touch with each other.

 

They usually fix their own breakfast and lunch (this usually requires no cooking although she is allowed to cook something like soup or perogies or pasta on the stove top), are served dinner by me or DH as a family, and have to come ask before taking snacks etc so we can "approve" what they are eating and ensure they aren't just eating junk each time.

 

She's recently starting to be allowed to stay home alone now and then while we go food shopping or to her brother's soccer game or some such and we touch base by phone. I do like to ask her to spend most of the time upstairs in her room playing or watching TV though as I feel a little uncomfortable with her being right near the front doors/windows and someone realizing she's home alone. I don't leave her to "babysit" her brother, he always comes with us, because I don't think he'd necessarily listen to her if he got in a mood about something and sometimes they fight (yep even with a five year age difference)!

 

Not really so crazy different from yours, I don't think!

Edited October 29, 2012 by NanceXToo

[Chris in VA]

My dd has similar lifestyle rules. She gets her own breakfast, but sometimes I'll make her something, and actually, most times she doesn't eat breakfast. We have good reasons for not enforcing that. If she's running late on a school day (ps) I will pack her lunch. I ask her what's in it if she packs her own, and yes, I encourage (but not demand) a balanced lunch.

Bedtime is 9, with wiggle room for getting ready for bed.

She can't ride a bike, so she doesn't go anywhere by herself, and we don't live in a neighborhood.

[Ellie]

Looks good to me. :)

 

We ate all our meals together. I mean, we were all home, so why shouldn't we eat together???? Dc didn't prepare their own meals during the day because I don't like people wandering in and out of the kitchen randomly cooking and whatnot. When dds were older and driving and having jobs and going to college, then of course it was every many for himself, and they knew better than to leave a mess in the kitchen, lol.

[Mom-ninja.]

Each family is different. Each child is different.

 

We have earlier bed times. My youngest goes to bed at 7. My older two are in bed by 8. On Friday evening they can stay up until 7:30 and 8:30 respectively. My kids need 12-11 hours sleep. I rarely break bedtime rule. Halloween will be an exception.

 

 

My 11 year old makes breakfast and lunch most days. He also has started helping with dinner. My 8 yr old helps make food as well but not as often.

 

They are responsible for washing their own dishes (except dinner). We have no dishwasher so this means they wash by hand. The 3 yr old doesn't wash but he has to carry his dishes to the sink.

 

The 8 and 11 yr old take turns doing their laundry.

 

I've started sending my 11 yr old into stores alone while I sit in the car with youngers.

[mommymilkies]

The food rules would not be a match for me. I would not "make sure lunch has certain food groups" for those ages.

 

I hope that with the neighborhood restrictions, you also have taught them how to deal with stray dogs. More importantly (but less likely), how to identify iffy/icky adults. And that you've NOT taught them to "never talk to strangers."

 

Come to think of it, my kids were allowed a lot of neighborhood roaming in groups at that age.

 

I didn't have bedtimes after 10ish, but I did enforce "Mommy is done now". :lol:

 

I did not restrict what they could spend their money on. I restricted "junk" food (and I try not to use that term) by simply not buying what I didn't want them to eat.

I follow the guidelines in Protecting the Gift. Ds loves to talk to anyone, and we know most of our neighbors, but dd is extremely shy and does not talk to anyone at all. I would be ok with them wandering in the country, but we are a block away from a busy intersection and road and I know we have at least one very untrustworthy neighbor who cornered dd at the park. She does play at the park (across the street behind the church) with siblings when they don't have school in there, and goes into stores/USPS for me. She also is dropped off at soccer and swim practice which I feel guilty about sometimes. :tongue_smilie:

 

I only help her pick food groups because her skin was literally falling apart because of self-imposed nutritional deficiencies, mostly due to lack of protein and b vitamins. So I do have to remind her to eat protein. She understands this after seeing the doc, but sometimes forgets. :)

 

I don't buy junk food, but my MIL...that's a whole nother conversation! :lol:

[mommymilkies]

I was just thinking about this last night! How timely. I also feel bitter about the lack of care I had at this age. Yes, I grew to be independent, but at too early of an age. Thank god nothing horrible ever happened. I was just lucky. I would never put that kind of pressure on my kids to take care of themselves or each other (this young). It works for us and we have awesome kids and a good relationship.

 

Me, too. I was not so lucky as a kid and had some scary and traumatizing events. Funny thing is that my mom gets on me to be more protective when she let me have free reign as a kid. :lol:

 

Dd does "babysit" little siblings outside in the yard or at the park, but I don't think it's legal here for real babysitting until age 14 or something crazy like that. I babysat by age 11.

[mommymilkies]

I'm less concerned about adults bothering my son than other kids. Seriously. There is some crazy epidemic of kids in packs randomly attacking kids who are alone by spraying bleach into their face. It even happened at a local library. So that is why I don't let my son roam around alone.

 

And on one occasion DS asked to go up the street to meet some new kids. He came home within half an hour crying because one of the girls had injured him for no good reason. Seriously the kids around here are pretty rough. So again, I don't let him go anywhere in the neighborhood unless I get to know the parents/kids. It kind of stinks, but what else can I do?

 

That's scary! We've had problems with teenagers throwing walnuts and rocks at little kids at the park, as well as cussing at them. My kids have been told to come home immediately at the first hint of that. I had to go over there and give a verbal lashing to a group of them a few weeks ago. It was horrible.

[Joyofsixreboot]

Prefacing this by saying we live in a very small, rural town but my 9 and 11 yo pretty much go and do what they want. Our hard and fast rules:

I need to know where they are going.

Home by dinner.

We don't have much junk so they can have what they want but not if dinner is in an hour.

Generally I ask them to be in bed by 10. They go on their own.

 

They may not:

Be on the internet unless it's in the dining room.

They do not have phones or cameras.

They may not ride a bike without a helmet. (Had one kid get hit by a car, helmet saved him. Non-negotiable!)