Why is this bothering me so much? Meditations on family, parenting, and short skirts

[Michelle T]

I don't know why I keep stewing about this, but it's bothering me a lot. It's long, like so many of my posts!

 

I had my family over last Sunday to celebrate our mom's birthday. I have two older brothers. One is married, with two DD's, 11 year old and 15 year old.

 

My DB and his wife have always been VERY lax about any sort of discipline, and they are kind of lazy people anyway. My nieces are incredibly smart, and basically good girls, but they call the shots in their home.

 

Both girls dress and look WAY older than they are. But on Sunday, my eyes almost fell out of my head. I must say that I am NOT particularly concerned with modest dress, I don't have strict standards of modesty, it's not something I really think about much. But my two nieces were both wearing skirts that were so short they literally could not bend over without their panties showing. These were probably the shortest skirts I've ever seen. They looked like school girl uniforms, plaid pattern. Worn with thigh-high socks, heels, and fitted t-shirts. Plenty of make up, and hair all done up.

 

The first thought that popped into my head was that the girls looked straight out of kiddie porn, like (excuse the crudity, but just no other way to say it) a pedophile's wet dream. I couldn't keep from saying "You would never be allowed out of MY house in skirts like those", which seemed to embarrass them a bit.

 

Later, I said the same thing to my brother. And this is what I keep stewing about. His reply was "Oh, that's just mainstream. They all are like that, so what are you gonna do?"

 

Okay, first of all, I see hundreds of girls leaving the local jr high and high school, and 90% are in jeans and t-shirts, or shorts and t-shirts. Nothing like these outfits. And secondly, who CARES if it's mainstream? What ever happened to dad saying "No daughter of mine is wearing a skirt like that!". I mean, drugs, early sex, and teen pregnancy are fairly mainstream too, so I'm wondering if my brother is perfectly fine with that?

 

Anyway, it was like a switch turned in my head. I realize my brother and SIL are not parents at all, they are just inept. My brother has always been very passive, lazy and self-pitying (he does have good qualities, though!) and I hate to say, he's a sorry excuse for a man. SIL has issues with depression and self-pity, and doesn't have a clue of how to manage the girls.

 

Is this the general level of parenting these days? Do any of you have family members who just let their kids do whatever they want? How do you keep from giving them a piece of your mind? I'm not really that close with DB and SIL, and they are VERY defensive people, so I'm not planning on saying anything more to them about this. I'm just wondering why it is bothering me so much.

Michelle T

[newbie]

Fortunately my niece did not do that. And I could not imagine my dd's 12 and 14 dressing like that.

 

I always make sure they have all parts covered. Especially since they have parts. Neither want to wear makeup, not even lipgloss. So I wont push it.

 

My feeling is there is plenty of time to grow up. Just wait.

 

Jet

[TraciWA]

In our family, it is my 37 yr old sil who dresses like that. On Easter she had a skirt so short that when she sat across the room from me, I could see her panties! Any way my sweet nieces are following in her footsteps as well. Ugh! At least they live 2 1/2 hrs. away. But I do worry about them.

[Retired]

my nieces are still little ages 8 and 6 and they are dressed like a pedophiles dream. My niece who had just turned 8 was dressed in a mini skirt, hooker boots thigh high etc etc. I point blank told my SIL that the way she is dressing is discussing. I can't believe they make clothes like this for kids. The next time I see them was mother's day. The 6 year old is getting ready for some type of parade. They describe the costume showing mid drift and some type of writing on there butt and the fish net hoes and heels.

 

I came unglued and just told her she was dressing her girls for a pedophile or the very least an older boys raping them.

 

I guess I don't care if the family likes me or not. There are parents that are self center and need a reality check.

 

I am blessed to come from a family where we can be brutally honest with each other and get over it. This has helped me from mistakes and same with my sibling.

 

My DH family all just smile and never say anything. They can't stand me because I will speak to them in the same way my family does.

[Chris in VA]

I'm on Facebook, and I see several relatives (young) that are posting pics that would make your eyeballs curl. One is in a black top that's basically little stripes of fabric, showing everything but the centers, iykwim. She has another where she's doing belly shots (or "offering," as it were).

 

I don't know what her mom thinks, but she's 19, so the repercussions may only start when she gets a job. I'm just glad my dd is far, far away.

 

It's so frustrating to have relatives with no clue. I'm sorry you have to put up with it.

[Plaid Dad]

I don't know that you can do anything about your brother's parenting skills, or lack thereof. But if there are children in your home who would be negatively influenced by seeing their cousins dressed like that, then you can require that they dress more appropriately when they visit you.

 

You do have my sympathy. My dw has a young member of her extended family who dresses similarly. We are very careful to let our dd know why we don't approve, while still letting her know that we love Cousin A. In fact, it's because we love her that we worry so much about her.

[Fourmother]

I often wonder why more people don't see a problem with little girls dressing that way, especially since having my one and only girl. It seems like everything in pop culture steers girls toward some kind of hyper-sexualized reality from an early age. I was just grumbling to dh and anyone else who would listen because I couldn't find any decent dress shoes for my daughter in one particular store. Why on earth would anyone put shoes with two inch heels on a small child? Recently, I even heard about a company selling high-heeled crib shoes for babies. :001_huh:

 

I'm pretty lucky when it comes to extended family issues because we live so far away from them. I hope your DB and SIL will see the light. Like you said, there's really nothing you could say to change their attitude. I guess all you can do is shake your head.

[chaik76]

I often wonder why more people don't see a problem with little girls dressing that way, especially since having my one and only girl. It seems like everything in pop culture steers girls toward some kind of hyper-sexualized reality from an early age. I was just grumbling to dh and anyone else who would listen because I couldn't find any decent dress shoes for my daughter in one particular store. Why on earth would anyone put shoes with two inch heels on a small child? Recently, I even heard about a company selling high-heeled crib shoes for babies. :001_huh:

 

I'm pretty lucky when it comes to extended family issues because we live so far away from them. I hope your DB and SIL will see the light. Like you said, there's really nothing you could say to change their attitude. I guess all you can do is shake your head.

I agree with many of the other posters in this thread...but, while I would never buy those type of crib shoes (or any crib shoes for that matter), I do think they are really cute!

[Jenny in Atl]

[Brindee]

Yes, you care about them, that's why it bothers you! You're frustrated that your brother doesn't seem to care about his own dd's future as much as you care for his dd's and what will happen if they keep this up! I wish something could be said or done!

 

I was frustrated when my only dd was 5. She was still in small sizes, and I could find nothing for her size, even at Walmart, that wasn't suggestive! I ended up at a thrift store buying things that others didn't want anymore for some things. They were cute little girl dresses that I'm guessing were now "out of fashion"!

[E_Edgerton]

You care about your nieces and don't want to see them dressing in such a manner is why you care and/or why you are so upset about it, but there is little you can really do. Try to be a good aunt to the girls, but realize that you parent in a way that others may find different or strange, so you have to take this kind of thing in stride...I would rather let some parent questionably, within reason...than lose the right to parent how you see fit.

[Jami]

Recently, I even heard about a company selling high-heeled crib shoes for babies. :001_huh:

 

:ohmy:

[Faithseed]

It is especially hard when it is someone we care about. :001_huh:

 

We were at Six Flags, and a young girl, not more than 10, was wearing those super short workout shorts than said "spank me" on the bum. It was all my husband could do not to go up to the girl's father and ask him if he was just asking for trouble for his daughter. In this world of s*x predators, why would you do encourage someone looking at your daughters backside? And to start at such a young age?? :confused:

 

He didn't talk to the guy, though....for fear of being beat up!

[Brindee]

It is especially hard when it is someone we care about. :001_huh:

 

We were at Six Flags, and a young girl, not more than 10, was wearing those super short workout shorts than said "spank me" on the bum. It was all my husband could do not to go up to the girl's father and ask him if he was just asking for trouble for his daughter. In this world of s*x predators, why would you do encourage someone looking at your daughters backside? And to start at such a young age?? :confused:

 

He didn't talk to the guy, though....for fear of being beat up!

:confused1::sad: How sad! If it said cute, I could ALMOST understand some parent thinking that would be okay. But "spank me" is deviant and sick, I can't imagine a parent allowing that either!

[Tracey in TX]

It's prevalent for certain. That style has come and gone a couple of times already. What one views as unacceptable is mainstream to another. For example, MIL came unglued when she saw photos of DD's First Communion dresses. They were all floor length, stunning--and spaghetti straps. She hit the roof! I kindly pointed out that she dressed her own DD (my SIL) in the same length dress as you had mentioned. It was the style EVERY little girl in the 1970 photo wore. What I found revolting and a "pedophile's dream" was perfectly acceptable, yet a full length gown with shoulders showing was taudry and risque. It's all perspective, I suppose.

 

Love your nieces, but know that they'll be in charge of their styles. Confronting DB may alienate the girls. You can only control what happens in your home and let them live by their rules. That being said, I'd certainly talk with my children about appropriate attire prior to each visit!

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I remember when in the 80's mini-skirts (nothing like these skirts) came in. I bought one with my own money and my dad took one look at me in it and said in no uncertain terms that I was not allowed to wear that outside or inside the house and he had better never, ever see it again if I knew what was good for me.

 

I went in my room, took it off, and never wore it again. I respected and loved my dad. His opinion meant a lot to me, still does. He fostered that respect in me by not laying down rules without sensible explanations. I knew the why of something I couldn't do--not just the because I said so. It took time for him to have a relationship like that with my brothers and I. Some parents today really don't have the time or take the time to do that. They are concerned about their friendship with their dc. My parents always said that they weren't parents because they needed more friends. They were parents because God gave them that responsibility to take seriously and in turn they were blessed with a relationship with us.

 

It's too bad that your nieces will never know that relationship.

[Kelli in TN]

I'm on Facebook, and I see several relatives (young) that are posting pics that would make your eyeballs curl..

 

 

Yes!!! I have a neice who added me as a Facebook friend and after I visited her site I had to go visit my daughter's site (they are the same age) and THANK her for running a clean Facebook site!! I was appalled.