Adoption questions - openness?

[Spryte]

I can't be the only adoptive parent here. :) There must be many of us.

 

Anyone have a fairly open adoption? Want to share how it works for your family?

 

What if your second adoption worked out not to be as open as the first, very open adoption? How are your kiddos adjusting to the difference?

 

What if a birthparent decides they don't want any openness? How did/would you respond? Obviously, one would respect a birthparent's wishes, but how does one keep it clear that the door is open for knocking later?

 

Lots of questions there. I'm busily processing quite a bit these days, and these questions keep running through my head... Any thoughts would be appreciated!

[GAPeachie]

Our adoption is semi-open at our son's birthmother's request.

 

We communicate through the agency with me doing most of the communication. I have let our agency know that we are open to more communication though it is unlikely given his birthmother's circumstances.

 

Just one completed adoption here... so far. ;)

[Miss Peregrine]

Our adoption was mandatorily open. We agreed to it and have been trying to comply but his birth family is a bunch if flakes and don't seem to want contact. :confused:

[Pamela H in Texas]

My kids were adopted through foster care in July. We have some openness with the family. How open depends on the family member. Aunt, uncle, cousins, and grandma are supposed to be visiting soon. I have the first letter and pictures ready to send to the first parents.

 

We have offered Monkey's parents 2 visits per year (visitation center) as well as pics/letter.

At this point, they are still supporting the goal (going to inlaws of inlaws in NC) because they think they can get her back eventually that way. So they aren't interested in losing their parental rights and giving kiddo permanency with just two visits per year (though how many will they get if she goes to NC?).

[bobbeym]

My stepdad adopted me when I was 6yo. My birth father was his best friend in the Army. Once the adoption was finalized, my birth father chose to have no further contact/communication with any of us

 

My parents were great though and made sure that I talked to my birth father's parents at least once a month. I have wonderful memories of vacations spent on my grandparents' farm playing with all my cousins and helping with farm chores. My grandparents have both passed away but I still miss them like crazy and even named my oldest DS after my grandpa. I've recently gotten back in contact with my aunt and some of my cousins and it's kind of nice, though a little awkward.

 

My dad has always said that if I ever wanted to meet my birth father he'd take me there but I've never had any desire to do that. It was very hard on me as a kid/teen/young mom to know that he just tossed me aside in favor of a new family with new daughters, and it took a long time for me to come to terms with it.

 

To be honest though, I think it helped me to know that every time my birth father took his 2nd family home to see his mom, he was confronted with pictures of me and dh and our boys. Not the most mature way to deal with the situation, but it's what worked for me.

[Spryte]

Thanks for sharing your experiences. It's good to get more perspectives on this.

 

Please don't quote me here, as I may delete some details later:

 

No traditional agency involved, we're basically on our own, though if there were an agency, I'd feel that we could leave pics/updates with the agency. That would feel ... better, at least.

 

We chose openness, and want to maintain it for many reasons. We want to honor our promises. We want it because we've seen it is good for our older kiddo, and because we know that as our littlest grows, she's going to wonder where her birthfamily is - why is her brother's birthfamily part of our lives, but not hers?

 

Birthfamily is less than interested though, at this time. This after a lot of wishy-washiness, and some very ugly behavior on their parts. Despite that behavior, we are still committed to openness, we just keep encouraging counseling. But now they have stated they want no contact. Birthparents are very, very young though, so I want to gently make sure that they know that the door is open, and we can discuss more openness later, if they change their minds.

 

Do I maintain a box of pics/updates? In case they want it later? What does one write in an "update" anyway? Our other adoption is so open... We are like family, we just visit back and forth and there aren't formal "updates" because that would be redundant!

[magic]

I am the aunt of adoptive kids. My sister and her husband did not really have a preference on openness but ended up with a birth mother who said she wanted an open adoption. She could not find the father so he did not know about the birth until my nephew was 4 months old. The birth mother emailed my sister for a couple of months and my sister sent pictures. After about 6 months she quit hearing from her. She never told any of her family so they have no idea my nephew exists. We have since heard that she has married and had a baby. She no longer wants info on my nephew. Meanwhile, the birth mother had let the birth father know about my nephew and he contacted my sister. He emails, writes, facebooks, and talks to my sister, BIL, and family but has never met them in person. He told his parents and they contacted my sister to see if they could write and have a relationship. They write, call, facebook, email, send gifts, family pictures, and important family records. They have also had the opportunity to spend time with my nephew. They love being a part of his life and have put together a book of his birth father's family heritage and information for my nephew to have. My sister and her family have loved having the relationship that they have with the grandparents. My nephew is 2.5 years and has 6 grandparents who adore him. My sister talks to the birth grandmother quite often and has learned through their conversations about allergies, reactions, issues, and tendencies that are hereditary. I know that we are all very grateful for the openness of their adoption. They welcome contact fromt he family members and appreciate the fact that so many people love my nephew.

[Ottakee]

We have 3 adopted.

 

Oldest is #5 of 6 from one birth mother. We adopted him at 7 1/2 through foster care. She is deceased now. Son sees bio father 1-2 times a year. This just started about 2 years ago after no contact since he was 3 (son is now 24). He sees his bio sisters several times a year and facebooks, texts, emails them. His younger bio brother we see a great deal now (after 10 years of no contact). He stays with us several nights a week at times. Son also met 2 other older bio brothers in the past few years (bio dad's kids with first wife). He also sees aunts and uncles. Siblings we let him see with little to no supervision but bio dad and uncle is seen with my husband there (son has fetal alcohol and is mentally impaired).

 

Our girls have 6 older siblings by mom and we would love to have contact but haven't been able to make any contact with them (we have names, birth dates, etc) as they were all born and adopted into various families in other states before my girls were born. We think bio parents are deceased (they left the state after termination 15 years ago) but I would allow supervised contact with bio mom but likely none with bio dad.

[bobbeym]

If you think openness may occur in the future, I recommend keeping a box of photos and updates. Maybe get a small writing journal and add dates of major milestones and events to go with the photos.

 

If they change their mind, they'll be thankful for the missing years. If they don't, you'll have a wonderful treasure for your DD when she's grown up.

[Murmer]

My dd was basically closed for the last five years. Then I found her birth other and Facebook and messaged and she responded (when she was ready after a while) that she was ready to see us and it was AMAZING!!!! Ds was open and it did cause dd to ask more about her birth mother and there were tears but both birth,others have taken an interst in both our children not just the one they birthed. They want to be open with the family. I love open adoption!

[Annie G]

So...a question. Dd just adopted a newborn through Bethany and the birthmom wanted the adoption totally closed. She received his hospital records today and the hospital left the birthmom's name and a good bit of info still intact.

She's thinking she should save this info- but since the mom doesn't want contact, would it be wrong to let dear grandson use it in the future if he wants to find his birthmom? It sounds like most of you have contact with the family-so I'm guessing you think it's the best choice when raising an adopted child.

 

Enlighten this grandma- I'm new to this whole adoption world.

[Tap]

DD5 is my great niece. She came to us at 5mo as a foster child, temporary placement. My niece was in legal trouble, she was never thought to be a danger to her children. The bio-dad decided to stay with bio-mom and support her through the process. At one point dd was only a few weeks from going home, and then the parents blew it.

 

We did court supervised, weekly visitation for the first year, then the mom started getting flaky. The parents finally split up and dad moved quite a distance away. Mom still lived less than an hour away.

 

I have always encouraged visitations. I want dd to know her bio parents. The dad especially has a definite connection to dd. You can feel the love between them even though he has only had a couple hundred hours of visitations with her in her life time.

 

Dad comes to see her about 2-3 times a year. He sends birthday presents, Christmas presents and this last year, Easter presents. Mom has seen her 2x in the past couple of years, and only because the dad was already visiting. She gave us a package of diapers one time, aside from that, no gifts or acknowledgement of birthdays or holidays.

 

They are not together, but they get together whenever the dad comes to town for what I assume is a booty call. The mom has deteriorated in the past few years, and has spent a lot of time in jail since then. She makes Very bad choices, lies and manipulates in a bad way.

 

When dad visits I supervise the visits. Dad doesn't drive, so I let him pick the activities and drive them around. If he visited more often, I would allow him to have unsupervised visits, but since he only sees her a couple times a year, I am not comfortable with that.

 

The mom, will likely never have unsupervised visits. I worry about her influence and poor choices. One reason dad doesn't have unsupervised visits, is that I think the mom will talk him into letting her be at the visit too. The mom has a strong hold on the dad and I think he would give in to her wants. I don't want to put the dad between the mom and I, potentially creating bad circumstances and ruining his future visits with dd.

[Tap]

Ours is a permanent legal guardianship not an adoption, but legally they are very similar in Oregon. (Permanent guardianship is not as binding in other states as it is in Oregon). I assume the paperwork for an open adoption would look similar to what we have.

 

When we signed the documents, I made sure that the contract said that I had full control over ALL visits. I control/have veto power over time, place, duration, people allowed at visits and what is done at them. And I am not legally bound to allow visits, nor do I need to pay travel expenses. The only thing I agreed to, was to send pictures one time per year, if they requested them. I didn't want mom sitting in jail requesting visits/pix all the time and making me do her bidding. Neither have requested, so I haven't sent any.

 

Both parents agreed to the rules, so that is how our contract is written.

 

 

I make sure to take our own pictures at each visit, not only so dd has pictures, but also so we have proof of visits.

[Dobela]

Every open adoption is different. Every one. I have friends that have had 2 open adoptions. One birthmother keeps in regular contact, the other gradually had less and less contact until they have now not heard from her in a long time. This child is sometimes jealous that he doesn't get to see his biological family, but as he gets older, he understands more. My friend wonders if the difference in contact has to do with the ages of the birthmothers. One was a young teen, the other was in her 20s. The older birthmom has been the one to stay in touch.

So...a question. Dd just adopted a newborn through Bethany and the birthmom wanted the adoption totally closed. She received his hospital records today and the hospital left the birthmom's name and a good bit of info still intact.

She's thinking she should save this info- but since the mom doesn't want contact, would it be wrong to let dear grandson use it in the future if he wants to find his birthmom? It sounds like most of you have contact with the family-so I'm guessing you think it's the best choice when raising an adopted child.

 

Enlighten this grandma- I'm new to this whole adoption world.

My son's birthmother wanted the adoption totally closed but did give us information in a gift after he was born. I have saved it. He knows her first name (he asked and I told him) but we have never had any contact with her. When he is 18, or later if he doesn't want it then, I will give it to him. In 18 years her mind may change, or there may be siblings who want contact, or so on.

 

I have limited contact with my dd's biological family thru a social worker. Maybe twice a year they ask about her or I email a picture to the social worker who knows them. But that is all.

[ZooRho]

I'm an adoptive mom too.

 

One adoption is totally closed no info.

 

the other we did talk once to the bm, and then sent letters several times back and forth with pictures.

 

 

I may come back and think more about it.

[Shawna in North CA]

I am an adoptive mom of 2 and bio mom of 3. Our first adoption was private, and like the op, we have a very wonderful, loving, and easy relationship with his birth family.

 

Our second, and current adoption, is through the foster system. Newborn baby girl. Contact with her bio mom is not possible. However, her bio day is cool, and likes us, lives local, is happy about the adoption, and we're working on a relationship there. However, it is going to look a lot different than our first one, as the function level of the family is lower.

 

I agree with the previous post that said every adoption is different. And every open adoption is unique. I think the important thing about open adoption is that YOU...the parent....know as much of the story as possible. Memories fade. Open adoption plans sometimes don't pan out. And its OK. Because what your child needs is his family, and that is YOU.

 

But, we do need to be able to answer as many questions as possible for our children, especially the bigs ones: "Was I wanted?" "Who do I look like?" etc. We are the story-keepers.

 

Another very important thing about openness in adoption is that is goes along way to eliminate shame. When things are secret, there is the implication that something is wrong or shameful. Whether or not you remain in contact with birth family is not as important, IMO, than remaining open with your child about his birth story, and affirming that from the very start, there was a good, loving plan, and that they were so, so wanted, and so, so loved.

 

I'll also add that the contact we've had over the years with our son's bio family has largely been between US, the parents, and them...not my son and his bio family. We have never pushed our son to act or feel a certain way about his birth mom and brother, or aunt and uncle. We've never forced visits, or anything like that. Rather, we've planned family get togethers (like Disney land...that was fun.) We love them, and they are a part of our lives, and he will develop his own feelings and relationship with them as he matures, in his own way. But at this point, he does not have a relationship with them outside our general family relationship, and really ALL our children share this relationship with this extended family.

[KrissiK]

We have 5 children, all adopted, though the last two aren't finalized yet. We adopted through foster care. Our adoptions are neither open nor closed. We were agreeable to very limited contact, but... It was not in the best interests of the children. Our children know they are adopted, they have limited knowledge about the circumstances, but dh and I will be fully supportive if/when they decide to search out birth parents.

[Murmer]

So...a question. Dd just adopted a newborn through Bethany and the birthmom wanted the adoption totally closed. She received his hospital records today and the hospital left the birthmom's name and a good bit of info still intact.

She's thinking she should save this info- but since the mom doesn't want contact, would it be wrong to let dear grandson use it in the future if he wants to find his birthmom? It sounds like most of you have contact with the family-so I'm guessing you think it's the best choice when raising an adopted child.

 

Enlighten this grandma- I'm new to this whole adoption world.

 

Yes keep it...the little slip up in paperwork is how I found dd's birth mother on Facebook. Most states don't "allow" searching until the child is 18 but then at least he will have a starting point. Plus if there were ever a severe medical issue it would be easier to find her at that point.

[Jeannie in NJ]

our dcs' adoptions are closed but they are from Korea and I believe all adoptions from there are closed. Our next door neighbors 2 dds are also adopted from Korea. They are adults and a few years ago they went with their adoptive mom to Korea. They were able to visit their foster families but there was no info about birth parents. We have basically almost no info on birth parents for my dc as in no medical history or anything. We do have lots of pictures and items from their Korean foster families. We also sent a letter to their foster parents thanking them for taking care of our dc from birth until we received them at 4 months (dd) and 8 months(ds). My dc have rarely mentioned their birth parents but they know all about their Korean foster parents.

[michelle l]

So...a question. Dd just adopted a newborn through Bethany and the birthmom wanted the adoption totally closed. She received his hospital records today and the hospital left the birthmom's name and a good bit of info still intact.

She's thinking she should save this info- but since the mom doesn't want contact, would it be wrong to let dear grandson use it in the future if he wants to find his birthmom? It sounds like most of you have contact with the family-so I'm guessing you think it's the best choice when raising an adopted child.

 

Enlighten this grandma- I'm new to this whole adoption world.

 

Yes. Please...PLEASE have her save the info. The majority of states either deny adoptees the rights to their own information regarding original identity/birth parents, or give only very limited rights to that information. While adoptee access is improving, the change is slow going. It is extremely disheartening to see adopted adults denied by law the same basic information of self other citizens are able to obtain by right.

 

She does not have to make contact on his behalf. She does not have to share the information before she believes the time is right. But PLEASE tell her to save it, because if someday he does want to search it's possible that this is the only way he would be able to obtain that information.