How to respond to this?

[Chris in VA]

I will prolly delete later, so pls don't quote.

 

I receivd a letter (a REAL letter!) from a childhood friend, who was my "best" friend and also a college roommate. She was my maid of honor, and I was hers.

 

I kept in touch, always the one to call, for many years. It was always as if we just lived around the corner from each other. We don't share the same perspective on many things (religion, abortion, drug use, etc) but were very dear to each other. She has come to see me once, and I went to see her a couple of times, but that isn't the problem (neither had $ to travel, so it's ok).

 

When my brother died, she did not offer any comfort. She later said she just didn't know what to say. She's never really been that supportive of me--she sings beautifully, has her PhD, etc-- and it was clear to me a few years ago that she is always the one wanting the Kudos, if that makes sense. She's truly a loving, kind person, but...IDK. I feel weird.

 

She wrote a 6 page letter, wanting to reconnect and telling me how happy she is now.

 

I don't know how to respond. My life has basically sucked. I'm angry at her for just blithely telling me how wonderful her life finally is. She knows a little of my story but not the hell I've been thru.

 

What should I do? I am not a "write her back and tell her how insensitive she is being" person, because she doesn't realize how I feel. I am all for sharing that, but I feel I'd be complaining, and I also dont want to chastise her for finally reaching out to me.

 

 

 

My life has not been easy these past 7 years or so, but she didn't bother to keep in touch, and that hurts.

Edited September 24, 2012 by Chris in VA

[Impish]

Pray about it.

 

Consider if she's really someone you want/need in your life.

[Cassy]

Would you be able to respond in a bit of a 'superficial' way, detailing the good things in your life just now and maybe briefly alluding to the nightmare you've been through without going into details? I would feel that in order to be able to confide the true extent of those difficulties I would have to get to know her again, develop the friendship all over again. She may be at a point in her life now where she's able to offer you the friendship and support you've needed from her in the past. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 

:grouphug:

[elegantlion]

I'd sit on it for a few days.

 

Is she telling you she's happy because she needs someone to know, or does it feel like bragging?

 

I'd have to think through my reaction to my sure I'm reacting to her, not just a comparison of life events in the last few years. IOW, I'd try to take the letter in the spirit it was written.

[TXMomof4]

Would you be able to respond in a bit of a 'superficial' way, detailing the good things in your life just now and maybe briefly alluding to the nightmare you've been through without going into details? I would feel that in order to be able to confide the true extent of those difficulties I would have to get to know her again, develop the friendship all over again. She may be at a point in her life now where she's able to offer you the friendship and support you've needed from her in the past. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree: Be happy for her and just mention your difficulties. If she is really in a place to be a supportive friend she will want to know more. Things can grow from there. I went through this with a friend many, many years ago. We were like sisters and one dumb episode caused us to go our separate ways for a while. Her mom actually tricked us into the same house, but it took a long time for us to be close again. I needed a real friend and she did too by that point. My dd3 is named after her though. We were that close once - it was worth the work to find it again.

[bkpan]

You said that this is a long-term, close friendship. That the two of you are dear to one another. Those are rare, and not easily replaced.

 

I understand your lonely feelings and it would sting to read of how seemingly wonderful and happy her life has been. But everyone has dark and desperate years. Your friend admits that she did not know how to reach out to you. Accept that she has that weakness, and then maybe you can recall all of the things about her, including your history together, that make her dear to you.

 

If it were me, I would write her back an equally long letter probably, and make it a really honest letter. I would tell her of the good things that had happened in my life and I would share the sorrow, maybe mentioning how much it would have meant to me if more people had reached out to me during that time. Above all, I would thank her for her desire to reconnect with me and the long letter which communicates how important I am to her.

 

Give her a chance to respond. Friendships such as this really are precious.

 

Kim

[goldberry]

I have a friendship that has gone through several times of up and down like that. If the times you were bonded were really good and valuable to you, then it is worth trying to move past the down times and re-establish. There is something to be said about friends with a long history. They are almost like family. And like family, go through times when we are not that close. I would think long before throwing it away though.

[FaithManor]

Pray about it.

 

Consider if she's really someone you want/need in your life.

 

 

This is very wise advice.

 

I also think that after a time of prayer - no rushing either - if you feel lead to respond, keep it very superficial...sort of "Christmas newsletter' like. I would not expect this person to "get it" and it probably isn't wise to open yourself up and hope for a deeper, more meaningful relationship than what she is capable of giving.

 

:grouphug: Faith

[SailorMom]

If she doesn't know "the hell you've been through" then I'm not sure I understand why you are angry at her for writing to you that she is happy? Maybe she's always thought you have had a pretty good life, that she was the one with issues, and she is trying to say - hey - I'm doing really well, I won't be a leech, wanna reconnect?

I do not know you or her - just throwing things out - ignore them at will... but you seem to have a lot of bitterness here that has nothing to do with the current contents of the letter. If you really feel that way about her, then I don't think reconnecting is a good idea.

Perhaps there is "hell" on her side of life that you weren't aware of either.... ?

I think you need to re-read the letter after a few days and decide if she is either A) bragging and shoving it in your face while wanting someone to talk (brag) to about it again; or B) just happy sharing it with you, and honestly wanting to get back in touch.

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Starr]

I will prolly delete later, so pls don't quote.

 

I receivd a letter (a REAL letter!) from a childhood friend, who was my "best" friend and also a college roommate. She was my maid of honor, and I was hers.

 

I kept in touch, always the one to call, for many years. It was always as if we just lived around the corner from each other. We don't share the same perspective on many things (religion, abortion, drug use, etc) but were very dear to each other. She has come to see me once, and I went to see her a couple of times, but that isn't the problem (neither had $ to travel, so it's ok).

 

When my brother died, she did not offer any comfort. She later said she just didn't know what to say. She's never really been that supportive of me--she sings beautifully, has her PhD, etc-- and it was clear to me a few years ago that she is always the one wanting the Kudos, if that makes sense. She's truly a loving, kind person, but...IDK. I feel weird.

 

She wrote a 6 page letter, wanting to reconnect and telling me how happy she is now.

 

I don't know how to respond. My life has basically sucked. I'm angry at her for just blithely telling me how wonderful her life finally is. She knows a little of my story but not the hell I've been thru.

 

What should I do? I am not a "write her back and tell her how insensitive she is being" person, because she doesn't realize how I feel. I am all for sharing that, but I feel I'd be complaining, and I also dont want to chastise her for finally reaching out to me.

 

My life has not been easy these past 7 years or so, but she didn't bother to keep in touch, and that hurts.

 

 

The above bolded don't match up well. Do you have the energy right now for someone who has never been very supportive? Keeping up from afar comes and goes, it's the real quality of that relationship I worry about. You might want to send a card and a short note and let it go. :grouphug:

[Mimm]

Just a thought but... when I'm distant from people in my life, I tend to assume they are off living happily ever after. It has been a shock a couple times when I found out otherwise.

[Alyeska]

It sounds like the relationship was always lopsided...with you making the effort.

 

I've btdt with someone who later tried to reconnect with me. It still ended up being/feeling lopsided. So I just had to let the relationship go. It wasn't worth the effort and I simply didn't have the wherewithall to pursue such a friendship. Do you think that if you responded and tried to reconnect, that the relationship would be reciprocated on the level you need it to be?

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry she wasn't there for you when you needed her.

[QuirkyKapers]

I would move slower than faster in responding to her note. I would read and reread the note. Try and take out the emotion.

 

Do you want this person back in your life? What would be the positives of the friendship? What would be the negative? Any relationship has an "emotional cost" which means putting in effort and energy. How much "emotional cost" do you have the energy to invest? If she is happy now, what was her life like before? What would you have liked to have had from the relationship before and do you think that would happen now? :grouphug:

[Mrs Mungo]

The question is, would she share her own trials with someone with whom she had not been close for a while? Maybe she's holding off on the bad stuff?

 

I don't know. These things are hard because you are really the only one who can decide if *this* relationship is worth the effort of pursuing for *you*. I have let relationships go. I have rekindled friendships. I have kept relationships going even when it felt lopsided, and at some point it was sort of lopsided the other way. It can be really tough. :grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

Thanks for helping me think it thru.

 

I'm sure she has no idea about how I feel. I think I'll just keep it light. It will be a change for me. I do want to keep the friendship as it really isn't in my nature to stop being in relationship. I believe in talking things out, even if they are difficult, but I think I'm being a little passive-agressive by not writing her back right away (it's been, maybe, 6 weeks).

 

I have some more thinking to do.

[G5052]

This is very wise advice.

 

I also think that after a time of prayer - no rushing either - if you feel lead to respond, keep it very superficial...sort of "Christmas newsletter' like. I would not expect this person to "get it" and it probably isn't wise to open yourself up and hope for a deeper, more meaningful relationship than what she is capable of giving.

 

:grouphug: Faith

 

Be supportive, but then wait to see if she's improved in how she relates to you.

 

I'm a born skeptic when it comes to these things, but I'll give people a chance. I'd be prepared to take it slow.