What do you think about helping someone else's kids with hygiene?

[Yolanda]

I'd love your opinions!

 

I'm helping out a mom of 7 with her three older kids (12,10,8) to just get them refreshed in learning after the long summer. Readin' writin' & 'rithmetic stuff.

 

Well, they are doing really well in that area, although I will continue to just get the juices flowing for the next couple of weeks. But, I see other areas that could use some refreshing, or rather learning for the first time, and wonder what the 'hive' thinks!

 

They need hygiene habits & clean clothes habits. (I'm talking visible dirt on clothes & body as well as odors) I was thinking I could help them to put together a poster with chores for them to do which would include take a bath or shower, washing their clothes (by hand if necessary because I'm not sure why they come with dirty clothes), brush hair, use a napkin etc. I'd go through and see what all is needed. I just don't know if it would be pushing the boundaries.

 

Dh and I have known this couple before they were a couple and on through the years of the 7 kids. And while I've offered my help in the past regarding getting a schedule down in writing for the kids' chores, it's never been done. But I think it's because it seems overwhelming, not so much that she doesn't want to do it. So going into the hygiene realm is uncharted waters for the both of us :confused:

 

So....

 

A. would you mention it at all, in the way I'm suggesting, to help them out with a chore list which includes hygiene awareness and just send it along with them and talk to mom about it when I take them home?

 

or

 

B. 'don't go there! they are not your kids!'

 

or

 

C. your own rendition of this situation!

 

 

I'm all ears and I really appreciate your input!!!!!

 

 

Thanks!

 

eta: this is from a post I made after this:

 

the chore chart I would put together would consist of things like"

 

wake up and get breakfast for youngers

make bed

take a shower

put on clean clothes

put p.j.s in drawer

fee the chickens, turkeys, ducks, geese ( no lie)

ask mom what I can help with

etc

Edited August 23, 2012 by Yolanda

[Scuff]

I don't know how she would handle it. I can see how it could be a touchy area. I on the other hand, would love any help i could get. We do talk about hygien, but it seems to go in one ear and out the other without cleaning anything on the way. Are they boys?

[Mommyof4ks]

I might have a hair braiding lesson or ask if I could do something fun with their hair, and then show them how to brush it properly while fixing it, and maybe even say something like wash your hair the night before our next meeting with a good shampoo and conditioner (maybe mentioned leaving each in for a minute works best) and I will fix it up fun for you. I might offer to help with laundry too, or give them some fun smelling bath stuff and say you bought some for your kids and thought they might like it, but I would not make a chart for the kids. I am not at all looking for confrontation ever though, and I know that would likely come if I mentioned something like that to someone's children.

[SJ.]

That is a tough situation. I have younger children, but 12 and 10 seem a little old to have a hygiene/chore chart. Maybe you can do a unit study on hygiene under the guise of health?

 

How dirty are we talking? A boy with hair sticking up? A girl with snarls in her hair? A bit of food from breakfast spilled on a shirt? Pants that look like they have been worn for days?

[momto10blessings]

B.

I think it would be offensive. It's definitely crossing lines IMO...

 

My s-i-l's kids have very bad hygiene and there's really not much you can do except handle the situation while they are there. If they spend the night at my house they take showers and I wash their clothing... But I think that my s-i-l would take offense to me sending home a poster telling them how often they should wash clothes, take showers, etc...

 

BUT- you could always incorporate it into their lessons. Having them copy or read a sentence saying "You should take a shower at least a couple times a week" or "Most people wash their clothing once a week"... This could lead into a conversation of how often your children shower or how many loads of laundry you do per week and why it is important to wear clean clothing.... remind them to wash their hands after they use the restroom at your home.

 

good luck

[Yolanda]

yes, they are boys, the 12 & 10 yr.

 

yeah, I didn't plan on saying 'your kids are smelly and dirty'! she's my friend too!!!

 

'how dirty are we talking': dirty clothes, one of them smells, but I'm not sure who; the socks are black, seriously so the feet aren't much better; dirt on their neck, legs, arms etc; wipe food on their clothes.

 

the chore chart I would put together would consist of things like"

 

wake up and get breakfast for youngers

make bed

take a shower

put on clean clothes

put p.j.s in drawer

fee the chickens, turkeys, ducks, geese ( no lie)

ask mom what I can help with

etc

[ondreeuh]

I have BTDT as a tutor. One child had dark crusty socks (that he would TOUCH with his HANDS!), long dirty fingernails, food-splattered clothes, and terrible B.O. His mother had been told that the other kids were noticing when he was dirty and to make sure he left the house with clean clothes in the morning, but she wasn't able/willing to do that. The teachers even sent him home to shower when he was too smelly (he lived next to the school). They gave him deodorant, soap, shampoo, etc. and reminded him to wash EVERY day, change his clothes EVERY day, put his dirty clothes away, etc. The mom dropped the ball and the teachers had to pick up the slack not to be mean, but to be helpful. It was doing him no good socially to be obviously dirty. When you have to keep the windows open in February when it is 15 degrees out, you know it's past the point of ignoring.

 

This was a special case because the child had some special needs and really needed a million reminders to make things stick. I assume these kids would do better with gentler reminders. :) What I would do is a general health unit for EVERYONE. Focus on germs - maybe get some of that stuff that you rub on your hands and then try to wash off (to reveal how much work it takes to really get hands clean). Swab hands and feet (and phones and keyboards) and grow cultures in a petri dish. Study dental health and how cavities are formed. Hard boil some eggs and put them in glasses of different drinks - soda, tea, kool-aid (or whatever they drink) and water. Compare the thickness of the egg shells after soaking. Teach them how sweat glands are a breeding ground for bacteria, especially in the teenage years. Gosh, you could even swab pits with and without deodorant and compare them. Or have them exercise in snug shirts and measure armpit wetness when they use antiperspirant under just one arm. Maybe have them try out three kinds of soap and rate them on foaminess, scent, and softness and graph their results. You could even make soap in the kitchen.

 

I have an 11 year old who might find this fun, and he's one who voluntarily showers regularly. Germs are kind cool.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

This would really extend your involvement in every way, but I have one idea:

 

What if you incorporate something very physical into the day, every single day that you meet with them? On the theory that children who get plenty of exercise do better in school. This is what your family does, they're joining you, etc.

 

I would look into the feasibility of going swimming, running, or hiking before each day's session, working so hard that a shower is required, and then teach them to shower and to wash their own clothes. Be very matter of fact about it, exact your standards and help with do-overs, but make it happen. Then give them a hug and a snack and hit the books.

 

Our TKD instructors have helped people with a similar approach, by teaching all students that it is respectful to come to the school clean, with a clean dobok, that it's an important part of TKD. Showers are available before and after class. Nobody is kicked out or sent home if they struggle with this at first. Good hygiene is modeled and praised, and facilities made available. It's part of the culture of the place.

 

I don't know what you can get away with. I have the kind of personality needed to railroad people into mandatory daily kickball with showers afterward, and then just sort of step in and make the washing happen, but that's not everybody's style. I don't know why I get away with the stuff I get away with, to be honest, when it comes to helping families.

 

One thing I want to be sure is said: This is not your responsibility. If you find you can't take any of my suggestions or anybody else's due to your own comfort level or for fear that the mother will be so offended that you won't be allowed to teach the children, and "all" you can do is to accept them and help them with their academics, you are still doing an amazingly generous and wonderful thing. You might be part of a puzzle of intervention in their lives. You might be the 3R's piece, and another person down the road might be able to step in with the hygiene. That's OK, and how it often happens.

[Catwoman]

I don't think their chores or their hygiene are any of your business.

 

Unless the mom specifically asks for your help with either of those things, I think you should keep your thoughts and ideas to yourself.

 

I know you mean well, but what you are considering is extremely intrusive, and if you pulled a stunt like that with my kid, you probably wouldn't be my friend any more.

 

I'm sorry to sound so mean and negative, but I can't imagine that your ideas would go over well with the parents -- and I do realize that you have the kindest intentions.

[itsheresomewhere]

I don't think their chores or their hygiene are any of your business.

 

Unless the mom specifically asks for your help with either of those things, I think you should keep your thoughts and ideas to yourself.

 

I know you mean well, but what you are considering is extremely intrusive, and if you pulled a stunt like that with my kid, you probably wouldn't be my friend any more.

 

I'm sorry to sound so mean and negative, but I can't imagine that your ideas would go over well with the parents -- and I do realize that you have the kindest intentions.

 

:iagree:.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I don't think their chores or their hygiene are any of your business.

 

Unless the mom specifically asks for your help with either of those things, I think you should keep your thoughts and ideas to yourself.

 

I know you mean well, but what you are considering is extremely intrusive, and if you pulled a stunt like that with my kid, you probably wouldn't be my friend any more.

 

I'm sorry to sound so mean and negative, but I can't imagine that your ideas would go over well with the parents -- and I do realize that you have the kindest intentions.

 

If you send your child out into the world unwashed, unbrushed, in filthy clothes, you should be thankful if someone steps in to help them and you. This friend can lovingly and respectfully get involved, or CPS can get involved when the children go to school and a teacher is rightfully distressed by their condition. Which would you rather?

[Catwoman]

If you send your child out into the world unwashed, unbrushed, in filthy clothes, you should be thankful if someone steps in to help them and you. This friend can lovingly and respectfully get involved, or CPS can get involved when the children go to school and a teacher is rightfully distressed by their condition. Which would you rather?

 

I didn't get the impression that these kids were so disgustingly filthy that CPS would intervene.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I didn't get the impression that these kids were so disgustingly filthy that CPS would intervene.

 

I did. But looking back at the OP, I do see some leeway.

 

How about this: If they were kind of dirty and sweaty, like little kids who play outside a lot but don't always get a needed nightly bath, but do bathe now and then and do have clean clothing for school, etc., and the parents are well-groomed and not hampered by hygiene problems, I would chalk it up to a cultural difference and say nothing.

 

But if they are really, visibly dirty and never have clean clothing, and they don't know how to use hairbrushes, napkins, or soap, and their BO is severe enough that you have to kind of know that they are unhealthily dirty and neglected, CPS would intervene for that. So I would, too, in possibly a kinder and gentler way, making every attempt to be very respectful of their mother in the process.

[laundrycrisis]

I would not address this with someone else's kids. If you are concerned about their personal care, and you are very close friends with the mom and have open dialogue about stuff like that, then you could just ask her if she has concerns about their hygiene. But be very careful - being able to say something like that to another parent and not causing offense takes a certain kind of relationship. I do have some friends that are close enough that we have those kinds of discussions, going both ways, and have for years...but it really takes a special relationship, and if you aren't normally that open with each other, I would not take the risk of bringing it up.

[Catwoman]

But if they are really, visibly dirty and never have clean clothing, and they don't know how to use hairbrushes, napkins, or soap, and their BO is severe enough that you have to kind of know that they are unhealthily dirty and neglected, CPS would intervene for that. So I would, too, in possibly a kinder and gentler way, making every attempt to be very respectful of their mother in the process.

 

Yeah, if it's that bad, I guess the mom would need a little push in the right direction. I was thinking that it might be more of a grubby boy thing, rather than a serious issue, but that was just my interpretation.

 

I would have taken it more seriously if the OP had said that the parents were dirty, sloppy, and disheveled, too. When she didn't say anything about that, I guess I just figured the kids probably weren't that horribly filthy, if that makes any sense.

[laundrycrisis]

Also there are some families that follow a sort of RU/non-coercive philosophy regarding this stuff, and they figure their kids will take the initiative for personal habits when they are motivated to - even if that motivation comes in the form of "natural consequences" for poor hygiene. Yes, some families let their kids go around like Pigpen quite on purpose. :( I personally see this approach as un-parenting - but if someone had made up their mind this was the way to go, I would respect that it's their kid, their choice...but I might be inclined to impose a natural consequence of my own.

[Laurie4b]

That is a tough situation. I have younger children, but 12 and 10 seem a little old to have a hygiene/chore chart. Maybe you can do a unit study on hygiene under the guise of health?

 

 

That is actually right about the age that my boys developed allergies to showers. (The allergies went away when they started liking girls.;)) So I actually think it can be about the toughest age for hygiene if the kids are boys. (Didn't have girls, so no idea how that applies!)

[Laurie4b]

I think you simply ask the mom if she'd like you to put together a morning routine chart. That is broad, but everyone's morning routine includes cleaning up to some extent. And asking if she'd like you to put together a morning routine chart doesn't sound intrusive like asking whether she'd like you to help them with their hygiene, KWIM?

[happi duck]

Imho, I think the only way this falls into your territory is how it affects tutoring. If it is offensive then be straight and clear...the kids are really ripe this time of year and it's making it difficult for me to work with them. Please be sure your kids are washed and in clean clothes before they come over for lessons.

[Yolanda]

So many REally, REALLY good things to think through, ladies~~

 

I thought it was pretty much open and close since with all that is going on, for whatever reason, it just has been overlooked. But that's why I wanted different perspectives, and for that, I am so grateful.

 

fwiw, mom and dad are clean, hair brushed, smell fine & don't see them wearing the same clothes when I've seen them 3 days in one week. Not the same for the kiddos. CPS may not be far off due to opposing people. I wasn't even considering that the cleanliness situation could add to it...ugh. I hope not.

 

I'm grateful, ateful, ateful for the many points of view. thank you, ank you ank you!!!!!!

[StephanieZ]

Have you said anything to the boys themselves? I have to hassle my kids to bathe, and although I hassle them enough that they aren't (often) embarrassingly smelly or dirty, I am pretty much 100% certain that even a gentle comment from ANYONE other than dh or I would make a very strong impression, which I would WELCOME, lol.

 

So, maybe something like, "Ooch, Bob, those socks are gross! They are so dirty, I'm afraid they're going to walk right out of here on their own! Tomorrow, how about wearing a clean pair, just as a favor to me? And give the feet a good wash, too, because, oh my word, they're grubby too! What ya' been doing? Playing in the dirt like a BOY! Well, if you're gonna' play in the dirt like a BOY, you better take a shower like a MAN because you're starting to stink like one!"

 

You can't cover everything in one comment, but maybe just pointing out one or two little things might motivate them to wash better.

 

GROSS. I can't imagine being in close contact and not being able to get them to wash up. I send my kids to the shower or toothbrush if they smell even a little bit. I can't stand that stink!

[swellmomma]

I don't think their chores or their hygiene are any of your business.

 

Unless the mom specifically asks for your help with either of those things, I think you should keep your thoughts and ideas to yourself.

 

I know you mean well, but what you are considering is extremely intrusive, and if you pulled a stunt like that with my kid, you probably wouldn't be my friend any more.

 

I'm sorry to sound so mean and negative, but I can't imagine that your ideas would go over well with the parents -- and I do realize that you have the kindest intentions.

 

:iagree: My oldest son is turning 14. I do force him to shower and change his clothes but it is a huge battle and often he will simply pretend to shower and then put the dirty stuff back on. For him it is sensory issues. He has one friend's dad that will not let him play there unless he has a shower first and ds's feelings have been hurt by the comments because sometimes he *did* have a shower but opted to put his same shorts back on or whatever and when the dad says he can't play because he smells and he needs a shower first when ds just showered before going over there he gets really upset.

 

I am sure others assume I am not teaching my kids hygeine habits, which is not true, I just know there are bigger fish to fry than what clothes my son is wearing.

 

DS8 bathes twice a day and often is sent to change clothes 1-2 times a day because the boy is a perpetual mess. He can look like he hasn't bathed or put on new clothes for a week after only 30 minutes of play. Summer is worse for it because he is up trees, in the garden etc.

 

If someone started assuming they needed to refresh my children's memories about hygiene without me asking for that help I would be more than happen to refresh their memories of who the parent in this home is as I escort them out the door.

 

It is presumptious and rude imo for you to stick your nose in.

[Yolanda]

I haven't, Stephanie, but you crack me up!!!!

[LucyStoner]

I don't see a safe way to dice this onion.

[Alison in KY]

Because you are tutoring and get to smell/see them, then I'd feel a bit more free to be straight with them and let them know they need to clean themselves up a bit. Another idea would be to do a brief health study, like girls who read The Body Book for Girls. I have to remind my 11 year old daily (sometimes my 13 year old also) to put deodorant on. I know we've read an Abeka health book that discussed bathing a bit. Not that you'd need that, but you could come up with something as part of the tutoring.

 

Alison

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I would gladly take the help! My dd fought so hard with showering i thought i was going to go crazy.

 

Our behavior therapists told me that almost anytime they work with preteen age kids and older, hygiene is part of the plan.

[Hope44]

Wow! This is tough. I know a family with two teenagers and I would just love to be in a place to talk to them about hygiene! My concern is someday, these teens are going to be involved with others in their peer group at some point in their lives and young people being young people, someone WILL say something to them.

 

It may be that this family your referring to believes in the "No soap, water only" style of cleansing. If that is the case, then they are oblivious to the smell and probably feel they are "healthier" not using products. They would probably be offended at the mentioning of your method of hygiene. I'm not knocking anyone's personal bathing choices here, but kids going through puberty do have stronger body odor and it is VERY noticeable.

 

While I do think it is the parents' right to raise children how they see fit, sometimes I wish some of these parents would just open their eyes. Kids and teens tend to be more blunt with each other and will tell their peers they smell bad in the blink of an eye. For younger teens, this can be traumatizing and hurtful, even if it is true. I know I would want to prevent this as much as possible.

 

If the family doesn't object to shampoos and body washes and deodorant, then I say open dialog with the boys in a gentle manner. They will appreciate it in the end.

[K&Rs Mom]

BUT- you could always incorporate it into their lessons. Having them copy or read a sentence saying "You should take a shower at least a couple times a week" or "Most people wash their clothing once a week"... This could lead into a conversation of how often your children shower or how many loads of laundry you do per week and why it is important to wear clean clothing.... remind them to wash their hands after they use the restroom at your home.

 

 

:iagree: Could you make it a school project for all the kids (yours and theirs) to make a morning routine, in writing? That way they're not singled out and you're not sending home a chore chart, but it still gets done.