ksr5377 Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 I am becoming exhausted with this situation. I have a sister I love dearly whose husband joined the Coast Guard 2 weeks after they were married. They had 2 children in the first 2 years of their marriage and they moved 4 times. I realize that was hard and a struggle on every front. I can't imagine it. They have now been married 3.5 years and money is still a constant struggle for them. I know that he's not making much yet and I get that it's difficult. Now for the big BUT! BUT, when you add in their housing allowance, they are living on more than DH & I are with our 3 children. Again, I am fine with that and don't begrudge them a penney they have. The problem is that all I hear constantly is about how broke they are and now it's beginning to have an impact on my family. My parents are constantly sending them money, gift cards, toys, clothes etc. This is becoming a financial strain on my parents and today they cancelled plans we had made months ago for a trip together. My children are very upset about them not coming with us. When I finally got it out of my mom what the reason was, she told me they just don't have the funds since they have been helping my sister out so much. My sister and her family go out to dinner several times a week, she hires a babysitter (she doesn't work) to get a little break several times a week, they spend over $200 a month on cell phones and the list goes on and on. DH and I do none of these things. That's our choice, I'm fine with it. I just think it's ridiculous that she has our parents thinking they can't pay their bills when they CAN they just choose to spend their money on restaurants etc. It also irks me that my mom is constantly telling me how little they're living on, and never includes their housing allowance. They get $1500/month for that, that's a lot of money. It makes a big difference. So when you tell me he's making X amount of money and paying $1000/rent, it's not really accurate. They have $18000 more than that a year. It makes it all sound much more OK. Ugh, I'm sorry, this became very long. I just can't talk about it to anyone in my family because then they look at my like I'm jealous or something, and that's really not it. I don't want my parents to be giving us money etc. I DO want their time though and I am annoyed that my sister, who I have discussed budgeting with over and over, is asking so much of them. When we talked about budgeting one time she actually told me that it must be nice to have a DH who makes enough to have a little left over and make budgeting work, making it sound like we made so much more money than they did. Again, she seems to forget about their housing allowance. When I bring that up she always disregards it because it's already spent on rent. I guess if that's how she's doing math I should just subtract what we spend on our mortgage and property taxes to find our "real" income?:glare: OH, and the only reason she knows our income is because when I was trying to help her with a budget I realized our incomes we similar and was trying to give her examples of our dollar amounts to see if they would help her get started. OK, vent over, feeling better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Family situations can be so tough, and when one sibling takes advantage of the parents' generosity and is always looking for sympathy, it's very hard not to feel very angry and resentful. I don't think you sound jealous at all. I think it's more a matter of fairness, combined with being annoyed with your sister's ability to manipulate your parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 I'm sorry. :grouphug: My sister was very much like this with our mother for a few years before she (mom) died. Our mom just felt like she had to help her out financially. This ended up having financial effects even after she died because of a house she bought for my sister to live in. There is probably nothing you can do about it, if you can't talk to your mother and show her how your sister is taking advantage of her. I'm sorry. Families can be very difficult sometimes... maybe most of the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 It is hard to watch, I know. But your parents are making that choice, right or wrong. At least now you know what to expect for the future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 I am sorry. I understand your feelings. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 It's NOT fair. It stinks. How can people be so clueless? :rolleyes: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 :grouphug: I'm sorry. The right thing to do is probably to shut your mouth, but I'd be tempted to lay out the facts to my parents. I'd have a really hard time seeing them taken advantage of like that. It would be different if they were comfortable financially and weren't denying themselves in order to give her money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 How do you know how much they get for housing allowance? Because the number you are giving seems very high unless they live in a very high col area. Military people's housing is rarely enough to actually cover the cost of living off base and paying utlilties. If they lived on base, they wouldn't recevie the actual money but housing in lieu of the pay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksr5377 Posted August 17, 2012 Author Share Posted August 17, 2012 Thanks everyone , I think I just needed to get it out there and also make sure I'm not holding them to too high of a standard. I realize that they have put up with a lot of stress the past couple of years and things aren't easy for them by any means. I know their housing allowance because my sister told me what it was. It does cover their rent and one or two bills, but not everything. They do live in an area with a higher COL, but not higher than the area that I live in. Again, our financial situations are VERY similar, she just won't admit it. I don't want to act all-knowing, as if the way we handle our finances is the ONLY way to do it, but they really do need to make some changes. OR I need to immediately change the subject when this comes up. I don't want to hear about how she always makes sure to have at least $3 in change so she can at least buy hotdogs. Not when I know they spent their large tax refund on Disney World and a new TV. Because they needed a bigger one so they could invite friends over to watch football. :glare: I just wish they were using this time to stabilize themselves financially since they finally won't have to move for at least 2 years (at least that's what they were told) instead of putting a financial strain on my parents. We still have 2 siblings in college that they are supporting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UnsinkableKristen Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 That sucks and I'm sorry :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 It's NOT fair. It stinks. How can people be so clueless? :rolleyes: It's true. And you have a right to feel upset (in case you weren't feeling like it was okay). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 Every penny that your BIL is bringing in is a matter of public record. You can look up every allowance that he is entitled to and show your mom exactly how much money he's actually getting based on his rank and location. We are military. We've moved 5 times in the past 5 years to one different country and 4 different states. 3 of those times, the military screwed up our pay and we didn't get paid AT ALL for one to two months each time until it got straightened out. You know what....it didn't matter. I use a budget and had emergency savings for just such an event and didn't need to beg a dime from anyone. Stress or no stress - that is NO excuse to drain your parents' bank account. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 It's true. And you have a right to feel upset (in case you weren't feeling like it was okay). I agree. And I ponder (often, not just right now) why it is that people who seem to create financial struggle (and get help from family) are most often the ones who are talking to us (general "us") all the time about how difficult their lives are (financially) plus, look at this new toy :D! :glare: I don't ever hear people who are living very close to the bone complain about their financial situation. In fact, the only time I hear about it at all is in a need-to-know business sense. I feel for you, OP. It would be very difficult for me to maintain a pleasant attitude in your situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyontheFarm Posted August 18, 2012 Share Posted August 18, 2012 Sounds like my sister. Let me guess, are you the firstborn child? I am. My sister has it soooo hard, her husband only owns his own tool and die shop. They can only take vacations every 4-5 months for a week at a time. They eat out, EVERY.single.day because she is too buys scrapebooking in her 20 X15 foot room that is just for scrapebooking. So, they borrow from my parents or let my parents pick up the tab. It drives me nuts! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristineW Posted August 18, 2012 Share Posted August 18, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: It's ok to be frustrated that your parents canceled vacation plans at the last minute. I'd be mad too. I do think, however, that you are mad at the wrong people. Your parents are choosing to overextend themselves to help your sister. No one is holding a gun to their head and forcing them to buy toys and clothes for your sister's kids. They could always tell your sister, "No, money is tight this month; we can only do x." It's their money, it's their choice. They like being the hero and keep enabling their daughter's poor choices. It sounds like your parents are already aware of the housing allowance and just don't factor it into their calculations. No one is deceiving them or trying to pull wool over their eyes. Reminding them of BIL's true income wont' make a bit of difference. Christine W Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MindyD Posted August 18, 2012 Share Posted August 18, 2012 Sounds like my sister. Let me guess, are you the firstborn child? I am. Wow. Just like my sister, AND I'm the firstborn! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksr5377 Posted August 18, 2012 Author Share Posted August 18, 2012 Oh my goodness, I am the firstborn! Well, at least I'm not alone:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted August 18, 2012 Share Posted August 18, 2012 I'm sorry and I don't know what to say. If it were my mother, I'd had a chat, but she wouldn't have gotten in that pickle to begin with. She did help one sib much more than the others, but it was carefully tallied, and that sib is getting less out of her estate. Instead of going to your folks on fire about your sister's stupidity, I'd go humbly with how bummed out your kids are. Then I would slowly bring in what is going on. Remain calm. Be understanding how it hard to say no to someone, but that they are not helping her grow up at all and setting a terrible example to the kids, who are going to want/need more and more as they get bigger. If one shot doesn't open their eyes and stiffen their spine, I'd give up. :grouphug: Oh, and let me make a sorry prediction: once the party is over, your sister may divorce. Many an unhappy couple keep afloat by buying happiness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted August 18, 2012 Share Posted August 18, 2012 Wow. Just like my sister, AND I'm the firstborn! Now that you mention it, my dad does this with his other daughter. I don't give it a whole lot of thought though since he left my mom before I was born, but didn't leave her mom until she was ten. I'm sorry and I don't know what to say. If it were my mother, I'd had a chat, but she wouldn't have gotten in that pickle to begin with. She did help one sib much more than the others, but it was carefully tallied, and that sib is getting less out of her estate. Instead of going to your folks on fire about your sister's stupidity, I'd go humbly with how bummed out your kids are. Then I would slowly bring in what is going on. Remain calm. Be understanding how it hard to say no to someone, but that they are not helping her grow up at all and setting a terrible example to the kids, who are going to want/need more and more as they get bigger. If one shot doesn't open their eyes and stiffen their spine, I'd give up. :grouphug: Oh, and let me make a sorry prediction: once the party is over, your sister may divorce. Many an unhappy couple keep afloat by buying happiness. My grandparents do this with both of their children and all of their grandchildren. My grandmother felt seriously screwed over by her baby brother and she makes sure to be "fair." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted August 18, 2012 Share Posted August 18, 2012 I'm sorry and I don't know what to say. If it were my mother, I'd had a chat, but she wouldn't have gotten in that pickle to begin with. She did help one sib much more than the others, but it was carefully tallied, and that sib is getting less out of her estate. I started to tell a long drawn out version of this exact scenario. You are much more to the point. My parents help my sister a lot more, but that comes out of her inheritance eventually if she hasn't repaid them before that time. She is aware of this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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