fairfarmhand Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 My 2 oldest cannot participate in the same activities. Whatever it is, they find a way to fuss, fight and bicker. One is bossy, the other is passive aggressive. Bossy pants starts pushing the younger sister around, then the younger one (button pusher) starts doing things intentionally to annoy her sister. Usually, I don't ask them to cooperate on most things. If they both have a job to do, then they do their parts separately. But we bought horses for them this summer. The horse stuff must be done together. (these horses are extremely social and won't behave without the two of them together. Additionally, it is unwise for the girls to ride alone) Nine times out of ten, when they do horse stuff there is an issue. Then, I am called in to mediate their fusses when they have horse stuff to do. It is driving me batty. HELP! ETA: They are 14 and 10. Miss Bossy is 14, Miss Button Pusher is 10. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 Me too! My two are 10 and 7 and do the same kind of thing. I feel your pain. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlktwins Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 :bigear: I have 7 year old twin boys like this. :tongue_smilie:!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 I dunno. You already bought the horses. I had to enroll my dc in different activities. My oldest had multiple physical issues and as a result he had to do sports as part of physical therapy, but he was terrible at sport. His sister is 3 years younger and a natural athlete. It was obvious at ages 3 and 6. This upset oldest--I understood when he was young he didn't have the maturity to deal with a younger female sibling outdoing him, so the answer was to make my schedule more difficult and put them in different things. It was hard because ds settled on TKD for a while and found success and dd wanted to try it. I wanted her to do it too, but I had to say "no", because that would have been the end of TKD for ds and ds needed it for PT purposes. Since you have the horses are you willing to make an ultimatum? Set up schedule that clearly outlines demonstration of cooperation with increasing goal points. (call mom outside only once during a session, call mom outside one time over the course of five sessions). If goals are not met, horses are sold. I personally probably could not go this harsh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kirch Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 What would happen if you refused to mediate and made them work it out on their own? They can't come back inside or do anything else until the horse stuff is finished and they can't whine/tattle to you unless someone gets physical. I'd also be tempted to inform them that they obviously need more practice in working together and give them more jobs to do together so they have the opportunity to improve those skills.:tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 Tell them they are going to have to hire some help if they can't get it done :D I threaten to make my kids hire a babysitter when they complain about going shopping with me :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 Well, maybe instead of selling the horses you could tell them it's going to be all poop shoveling and no riding. Or you could free lease the horses out to a couple of little girls who can get along. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted July 31, 2012 Author Share Posted July 31, 2012 Well, maybe instead of selling the horses you could tell them it's going to be all poop shoveling and no riding. Or you could free lease the horses out to a couple of little girls who can get along. It's so bad that they even squabble about riding. This one wants to canter, but that will leave the one who wants to trot behind. This one blames her horse's misbehavior on something the other one is doing. Oh, and Betty, I refused to let my oldest take gymnastics for much the same reasons. Dd 2 needed something that she (and only she) was good at and I refused to have her sister (who excels at everything) take it too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 It's so bad that they even squabble about riding. This one wants to canter, but that will leave the one who wants to trot behind. This one blames her horse's misbehavior on something the other one is doing. . Freelease. Mine squabbled when they were little. I made them hold hands and sit til they laughed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plucky Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 Don't give up! My girls squabbled at those ages. Now they are like best friends with occasional tiffs. I don't know what I did right, just kept talking about how important their relationship was blah, blah, blah. A lot of it is just immaturity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlsdMama Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 They must have too much energy. Find them more work. Explain that you love them, but they simply must have too much energy apparently :glare: and that you don't want to frustrate them in that way. Also, if they can't get along, they must need more practice at it, so have them do manual labor together. If I were at my wit's end, this would be my consolation. At least my garden would be weed-free. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snickerdoodle Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 Thank you for posting this. Sometimes it's good to hear other parents struggle with the same issues. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelly1730 Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 I am going through this with my 9 and 7 yo grandsons this summer. It is driving me crazy! I did not have this with my own 6 children, whether it was birth order, personalities and just blessed, I don't know. I have very little patience with it. I like the put them to work idea. I have lots of work, either they get along or they get a job. Hmmm. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 What would happen if you refused to mediate and made them work it out on their own? They can't come back inside or do anything else until the horse stuff is finished and they can't whine/tattle to you unless someone gets physical. I'd also be tempted to inform them that they obviously need more practice in working together and give them more jobs to do together so they have the opportunity to improve those skills.:tongue_smilie: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted August 1, 2012 Author Share Posted August 1, 2012 What would happen if you refused to mediate and made them work it out on their own? They can't come back inside or do anything else until the horse stuff is finished and they can't whine/tattle to you unless someone gets physical. I'd also be tempted to inform them that they obviously need more practice in working together and give them more jobs to do together so they have the opportunity to improve those skills.:tongue_smilie: what happens if I don't interfere is usually that the older and meaner and pushier of the two usually gets her way because the other one is kind of scared of her and she blows things up so big that it is not worth it for the little one to go that far. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freerange Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 What would happen if you refused to mediate and made them work it out on their own? They can't come back inside or do anything else until the horse stuff is finished and they can't whine/tattle to you unless someone gets physical. I'd also be tempted to inform them that they obviously need more practice in working together and give them more jobs to do together so they have the opportunity to improve those skills.:tongue_smilie: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2squared Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 what happens if I don't interfere is usually that the older and meaner and pushier of the two usually gets her way because the other one is kind of scared of her and she blows things up so big that it is not worth it for the little one to go that far. We have similar patterns here. I wonder how others effectively let their kids work it out? If I did that, my olders would always win. The youngers idolize their bigger sibs, and they give far too much and far too easily. I just can't stand by and let them be victims. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kirch Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 what happens if I don't interfere is usually that the older and meaner and pushier of the two usually gets her way because the other one is kind of scared of her and she blows things up so big that it is not worth it for the little one to go that far. We have similar patterns here. I wonder how others effectively let their kids work it out? If I did that, my olders would always win. The youngers idolize their bigger sibs, and they give far too much and far too easily. I just can't stand by and let them be victims. Yeah, I guess the age difference creates a pretty significant power differential there (mine are less than two years apart). I think in that situation I'd tend to come down harder on the older one because I'd expect more maturity from her. It may not be 100% fair, but being older has privileges AND responsibilities and expectations. Some of those would include learning to be a good leader, learning to compromise and get the job done, and learning to deal with people who drive you nuts! I'm kind of thinking out loud here, so I'm not really sure how I'd implement those ideas. The other thing that comes to mind is to tell them they need to find a way to work it out themselves in front of you without being rude or ugly about it. That way you make them work it out, but you can make sure your older dd isn't taking advantage of her sister. I'd also talk a lot with them about compromising--what it looks like, trying to see things from someone else's perspective, not being selfish, etc. Finding opportunities to model compromising and discuss it as you go might be good too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2squared Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 Yeah, I guess the age difference creates a pretty significant power differential there (mine are less than two years apart). I think in that situation I'd tend to come down harder on the older one because I'd expect more maturity from her. It may not be 100% fair, but being older has privileges AND responsibilities and expectations. Some of those would include learning to be a good leader, learning to compromise and get the job done, and learning to deal with people who drive you nuts! I'm kind of thinking out loud here, so I'm not really sure how I'd implement those ideas. The OP's age difference is quite a bit, but I find these issues with kids who are close in age as well. I have two that are 1.5 years apart, and the older almost always end up on top of their disagreements. I was 14 months older than my brother, but I easily ruled over him. My parents let us work it out, and I almost always got my way with that system. To this day he still defers to me, but thankfully, he holds no bitterness toward me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 Unless I am missing something it sounds like this has been their dynamic for some time. So I honestly can't understand why it seemed like a good idea to get them the horses to begin with. They clearly can't handle it. Get rid of the horses. It's not only causing huge problems, but it's unfair to the horses to be stuck in a tense situation every time the girls come out. I think you owe it to the horses to find them reasonable owners. As far as their usual dynamic, I would keep them both working so physically hard they would be too tired to do anything but behave. There have been days with my son where he wasn't allowed to sit without permission or to speak without raising his hand and being called on. You might want to try that for a few days with them (come up with a work list ahead of time so you have plenty of stuff to keep them busy with). After about 3 days of that, return to normal and let them know that if you hear even a squeak of a squabble, you will all drop what you are doing and go back to a silent work day. Silent work day protocol: after the completion of each task you have a spot to which you are to report and stand until I come to you you are not to speak unless spoken to or raise your hand and wait for permission to speak you are not to sit, eat, or drink (except water) without permission (they do get regular food, just not whenever they want to) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted August 2, 2012 Author Share Posted August 2, 2012 Unless I am missing something it sounds like this has been their dynamic for some time. So I honestly can't understand why it seemed like a good idea to get them the horses to begin with. They clearly can't handle it. Get rid of the horses. It's not only causing huge problems, but it's unfair to the horses to be stuck in a tense situation every time the girls come out. I think you owe it to the horses to find them reasonable owners. ) Isn't it crazy the stuff we do? Its almost like, I have a Great Pyrenees dog. I may want it to act like a tiny poodle and I could get frustrated because it wouldn't be a little lapdog. But it is still a Great Pyrenees. well, the horses will stay for the time being, just because we spent gobs of money on them and wouldn't get that back. I do agree that we are going to have to figure out how to help them resolve this, because, as you said, the horse do pick up on their attitudes. So we are working on this. I think I need to observe all the horse interactions and come down hard on the misbehavior. I think if I do so, then the situation will not escalate like it does. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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