Ginevra Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I had an epiphany today. At least, I think it was an epiphany. Nine years ago, there was a woman I knew who really extended herself towards me when my baby girl died. She called me every day. She brought me meals. She did all sorts of kind things, more than I know, probably. But here's the ugly part: I was in such a hurt and bad place, I didn't receive her attentions that well. I mentioned to someone that I was tired of her calling me every day. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but I think the person I told said something to her, because she abruptly ceased. I spoke to her a very few times in the next year or two, but for the most part, we stopped communicating and lost touch. For whatever reason, it dawned on me today all the incredible kindness she showed me, all the care. I did not deserve it and never thanked her in a meaningful way, not to mention I don't know what was said to her that caused her to stop contacting me. I'm thinking of trying to get in touch with her and tell her I was a total b00b and to thank her for all she did for me, tell her how good she was to me and that I was just too selfish and messed up to receive it. But is this even my place to do? Is it like, "Whew! So glad I got that off my mind! Carry on."? Her life is whatever - going on without interaction with me. Perhaps it's not for me to interfere with that by revisiting myself upon her. Or maybe I should send it in writing, but then of course I would rather do that because it requires less crow-eating on my part and I like to express myself through writing. A true apology should be by phone, which I detest, and I feel that it isn't a true apology/acknowledgement if I just get to weenie out and send a card. What do you think? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I would absolutely contact her-start with a letter, handwritten and say just what you did on this post. :group hug: If she was that kind of a woman, and you say what you did, I'm willing to bet she'll hug you right back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I like the writing idea better. It gives the recipient time to process it in their own way, in their own time. While on the phone she might feel overwhelmed, surprised, or put on- the- spot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnaShoo Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 :iagree: I'm in the writing camp - and preferably not an email! It will also allow you to really consider what you want to say and not forget things you might while on the phone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Oh, goody! You guys are giving me permission to write instead of phone! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I like the writing idea better. It gives the recipient time to process it in their own way, in their own time. While on the phone she might feel overwhelmed, surprised, or put on- the- spot. :iagree: Exactly. Give her the space to think about it and process. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Agree. Letter / Note is better to start with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I would write the letter, and in it include your phone number and email address and a bit about contacting you if she is able to forgive you to rekindle the friendship (if you are interested in that). A lot is said that is not meant during times of deep despair, and I am sure she understands that and will appreciate your letter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 If I was the recipient, I would rather a written letter. I always feel so odd when people come at me from left field. I think it is a lovely idea, and you should do it if you feel inclined. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I had an epiphany today. At least, I think it was an epiphany. Nine years ago, there was a woman I knew who really extended herself towards me when my baby girl died. She called me every day. She brought me meals. She did all sorts of kind things, more than I know, probably. But here's the ugly part: I was in such a hurt and bad place, I didn't receive her attentions that well. I mentioned to someone that I was tired of her calling me every day. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but I think the person I told said something to her, because she abruptly ceased. I spoke to her a very few times in the next year or two, but for the most part, we stopped communicating and lost touch. For whatever reason, it dawned on me today all the incredible kindness she showed me, all the care. I did not deserve it and never thanked her in a meaningful way, not to mention I don't know what was said to her that caused her to stop contacting me. I'm thinking of trying to get in touch with her and tell her I was a total b00b and to thank her for all she did for me, tell her how good she was to me and that I was just too selfish and messed up to receive it. But is this even my place to do? Is it like, "Whew! So glad I got that off my mind! Carry on."? Her life is whatever - going on without interaction with me. Perhaps it's not for me to interfere with that by revisiting myself upon her. Or maybe I should send it in writing, but then of course I would rather do that because it requires less crow-eating on my part and I like to express myself through writing. A true apology should be by phone, which I detest, and I feel that it isn't a true apology/acknowledgement if I just get to weenie out and send a card. What do you think? This is absolutely the RIGHT thing to do. I'd write a letter. You can edit and be careful to express yourself exactly as you mean to do before you send it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Thank you, everybody! A letter I can do and I'm glad to hear a consensus that it is better in a letter anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3browneyedboys4me Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Personally, I would call! :grouphug: I know you would rather write her a letter, but I think a phone call would be wonderful. I can't imagine that she is holding ill feelings toward you. When you suffer loss, I think all bets are off. You were going through something that was terribly painful. I bet she would be delighted to hear from you and realize that she meant so much to you! What a blessing!! The reason I vote for a phone call is b/c it will be genuine, authentic, and your emotions will be expressed most sincerely. You won't try to word every. single. thing. perfectly. You will express your complete thankfulness for her support and you will be able to apologize for your lack of gratitude during the hardest time in your life. I just believe that she would love to hear your voice as you express to her how much she meant to you. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I would write the letter. If she as lovely as she sounds for being so kind, she knew the situation you were in and just let it go peacefully. Maybe she thought she had done what she could, but you just needed time. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I'm in the letter camp, and I agree with all the reasons that others have given. I bet she would be floored, and then blessed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 :iagree: If I was the recipient, I would rather a written letter. I always feel so odd when people come at me from left field. I think it is a lovely idea, and you should do it if you feel inclined. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Personally, I would call! Ah, well, there had to be one. ;) I agree with the things you wrote, but I'm leaning pretty strongly towards the letter. BLA5 is right about "...come at me from left field." I do think this could feel like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasar31629 Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I'd prefer a card or letter...less abrupt, you know? It allows her processing time. I think it's wonderful of you to think of this and follow through. Who knows- she may have stepped back from serving people in this way, just thinking perhaps she was being too pesky or something. It would be nice for her to hear how much you've thought of her these past years. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I like the writing idea better. It gives the recipient time to process it in their own way, in their own time. While on the phone she might feel overwhelmed, surprised, or put on- the- spot. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3browneyedboys4me Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Ah, well, there had to be one. ;) I agree with the things you wrote, but I'm leaning pretty strongly towards the letter. BLA5 is right about "...come at me from left field." I do think this could feel like that. Hahaha!:lol: Yes, I'm glad I can be the ONLY one! :001_smile: I only thought calling would be a good idea b/c from your description, she just seemed like such a warm,sincere person. She also seemed to be very comfortable reaching out and being personable. I guess what I'm saying is she didn't seem like the kind of person that would be taken back by a phone call.:001_smile: But, truthfully, I just think it's amazing that you thought of her and you are going to contact her. I'm sure it will make her day! I think she will be thrilled to know that she helped you. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I like the writing idea better. It gives the recipient time to process it in their own way, in their own time. While on the phone she might feel overwhelmed, surprised, or put on- the- spot. :iagree: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I love the letter idea. And it's something she can keep and remember if it ever happens again. I don't always accept help graciously so know you're not the only one. I'm betting she's helped lots of folks and has seen it all- from folks who are gracious to folks who demand more. You're very kind to pursue this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I also like the letter idea because it's THERE. Physical, she can keep it in a drawer and her kids can find it later and remember what an incredible person she was and how much she meant to other people--and SHE can also read it and know that about herself. She can reread it and know you were truly thankful and sorry. This way she doesn't get taken off guard, and is so surprised she forgets your conversation. Put in your contact info and ask her to lunch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I also like the letter idea because it's THERE. Physical, she can keep it in a drawer and her kids can find it later and remember what an incredible person she was and how much she meant to other people--and SHE can also read it and know that about herself. She can reread it and know you were truly thankful and sorry. This way she doesn't get taken off guard, and is so surprised she forgets your conversation. Put in your contact info and ask her to lunch. This exactly. Letters are way more meaningful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I also like the letter idea because it's THERE. Physical, she can keep it in a drawer and her kids can find it later and remember what an incredible person she was and how much she meant to other people--and SHE can also read it and know that about herself. She can reread it and know you were truly thankful and sorry. This way she doesn't get taken off guard, and is so surprised she forgets your conversation. Put in your contact info and ask her to lunch. Awww. I'm tearing up thinking about her re-reading the letter. *sniffle* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trilliums Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Writing a thank you letter would be wonderful. I wouldn't, however, go into any of the details of things you said to a mutual friend that may or may not have gotten back to the recipient. This may just dredge up bad associations. Plus, perhaps the person did not actually hear anything but they backed off on their own. Once I was extra attentive to a friend going through a very rough time and shortly afterwards we contacted each other rarely, if at all (our kids were very different age ranges, she went back to work, etc). A few years later I ran into her at a park and she told me how much she appreciated that support. I was so touched by her mentioning it after all that time. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghee Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I like the writing idea better. It gives the recipient time to process it in their own way, in their own time. While on the phone she might feel overwhelmed, surprised, or put on- the- spot. :iagree: And let me say, your child had died....this was NOT selfishness. It wasn't. You may have been too messed up to handle her attention but that does NOT make you selfish. Don't beat yourself up with that one. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Yes. You should contact her and apologize. I was supposed to be in the wedding of a girl I grew up with. I had the dress, had gone to the shower, etc. But right before the wedding, a WHOLE bunch of crazy stuff happened in my life, and I ended up leaving town abruptly, without a word to her. I ditched her and the wedding. At the time, there was no way I could have been in the wedding, but I left her hanging. Once things got back on an even keel, I felt extremely bad about what I had done to her. I contacted her mother for her new address and met with her and apologized. I tried to explain what had been going on in my life, and told her that I was so very sorry for not respecting her, even if things were so bad for me. She said she forgave me, although we never really were friends after that. But, it did take a huge weight off my shoulders. I think you should reach out. It will make you feel better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I would go with the the letter. I know I would get nervous and start rambling on the phone and than wonder if later if everything I said was o.k. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Writing a thank you letter would be wonderful. I wouldn't, however, go into any of the details of things you said to a mutual friend that may or may not have gotten back to the recipient. This may just dredge up bad associations. Plus, perhaps the person did not actually hear anything but they backed off on their own. Once I was extra attentive to a friend going through a very rough time and shortly afterwards we contacted each other rarely, if at all (our kids were very different age ranges, she went back to work, etc). A few years later I ran into her at a park and she told me how much she appreciated that support. I was so touched by her mentioning it after all that time. :) You're right about that. I was not planning to mention it. Whatever happened happened. I just want to own my part. :iagree: And let me say, your child had died....this was NOT selfishness. It wasn't. You may have been too messed up to handle her attention but that does NOT make you selfish. Don't beat yourself up with that one. :grouphug: Thank you for that. I appreciate it. Yes. You should contact her and apologize. I was supposed to be in the wedding of a girl I grew up with. I had the dress, had gone to the shower, etc. But right before the wedding, a WHOLE bunch of crazy stuff happened in my life, and I ended up leaving town abruptly, without a word to her. I ditched her and the wedding. At the time, there was no way I could have been in the wedding, but I left her hanging. Once things got back on an even keel, I felt extremely bad about what I had done to her. I contacted her mother for her new address and met with her and apologized. I tried to explain what had been going on in my life, and told her that I was so very sorry for not respecting her, even if things were so bad for me. She said she forgave me, although we never really were friends after that. But, it did take a huge weight off my shoulders. I think you should reach out. It will make you feel better. Awww. Thank you for sharing that. It's hard to look at your own behavior and think, "Why did I act that way?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 I think a card would be lovely. What a wonderful thing to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMamaBird Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 I would definitely contact her! I had a girl who bullied me in school express regrets at her actions years later and it really meant a lot to me. She sounds like a really caring woman who will probably accept your communication with grace. It's never a bad thing to mend relationships. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 :iagree: Do whatever you feel comfortable with. If you want to restart the relationship, maybe consider calling. If you just want to express thanks, a letter is more than adequate.:grouphug: I think either one would be more than acceptable. I admire your desire to correct this wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kricau Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 Yes, it totally is. It would be easier to make excuses, and say "oh, she probably doesn't want to hear from me". But I am sure she would, she sounds like a carrying soul, give her a call/email/note. I am sure she will be glad that all that effort spent on you so long ago was not in vain :) But is this even my place to do? ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 I would absolutely contact her-start with a letter, handwritten and say just what you did on this post. :group hug: If she was that kind of a woman, and you say what you did, I'm willing to bet she'll hug you right back. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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