AlmiraGulch Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 My ex was arrested yesterday for probation violation. He was not released and won't be prior to his court date in early July, I'm told. Many of you know he lives in my house. He had a deadline of May 1 to find another place to live, but was fired from his job the week before, so my husband said to let him stay til he got back on his feet. He did somehow manage to get another job fairly quickly, and the new deadline was June 24, so he would have been leaving here within a week anyway, but he hadn't bothered to tell the girls yet. My 15 year old knows what happened, but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to tell my 9 year old. She was waiting up for her dad to come home from work last night, like she has been since summer started, and I had to tell her to go to bed because he wasn't coming home and wouldn't be for a week (which isn't even true...it's more like two weeks!). She asked why not and I said he "wasn't allowed". She said "well where will he stay? His pillows are here". I just said he was fine, and not to worry about it. She's a smart and perceptive child. She knows something isn't right. She asked me to tuck her in last night (hasn't done that in years) and then when I woke up at 2:30 this morning she was with her sister (also hasn't done that in years). I think I need to tell her where he is. I should have yesterday. I told her sister, in as direct but soft way possible, that there are consequences for your actions, and these are his consequences. We talked through him missing Father's Day, and her upcoming 16th birthday, and that he'll celebrate with her when he can. I don't know why I didn't have a similar conversation with the younger dd. Also, he may get out in early July, but he won't be living here anymore. In fact, I spoke to his brother yesterday and his only option is likely going to be moving to Florida with his mother or brother (assuming the court allows it, or he may be living in his car), because he simply cannot stay here anymore and he will have lost his job after 2+ weeks of not showing up for work. Should I just approach her and tell her, like I did her sister? Should I wait for her to ask again? Should I tell both of them that he won't be living here anymore and will be out of state, even though we don't know the details yet? I don't know if it would be better to hear it now and give them time to start processing so they don't sit around waiting for a homecoming that isn't going to happen, or wait til we know the details and let things absorb a little at a time. I hate that I messed this up, and I need to make it right. I suppose I can't be too hard on myself for not knowing how to have the "your father is in jail" conversation, but I need to minimize the damage as best I can. Right now I'm trying to stave off the "WHY did you ever marry that man?!?" demons in my head. Opinions, please..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Tell her. 9 can understand, even if she will be hurt. The fear of what if is hurting her now. He hasn't run off from her, he was taken. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristyB in TN Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 I think you are going to have to be honest with them. Your family doesn't look like anyone else's, that's just a fact and you can't hide it. They may remember more about you trusting them than they do anything else. "...:grouphug:he is your dad, he isn't perfect but we love him and always will." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Tell her. 9 can understand, even if she will be hurt. The fear of what if is hurting her now. He hasn't run off from her, he was taken. :grouphug: :iagree: :grouphug: It will be all right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Have a quiet one-on-one to tell 9yo what 15yo already knows, and then call in 15 to have a longer conversation. Be honest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denise in Florida Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 I have no suggestions, sorry. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: You know your children and the best way to approach them. It is okay to do it differently for each child. Even at 21 and 18 I take different approaches to discussion serious things with my girls, they just react differently. :001_smile: I am sorry about your ex and his situation, but don't beat yourself up. You sound like you are doing your best for your kids and that is what matters. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 I think it is best to be honest but gentle. I would formulate something simple but informative to tell you DD9 and then answer her questions. When you don't tell her, her 9 year old imagination might be worse than whatever you tell her. Also really listen to them and their questions. I know in lots of divorced situations kids will blame themselves for things and parents don't know that they have these feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Yep, tell her Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnitWit Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Agree with pps. I'm so sorry. It is hard to have to give an answer/explanation for another person's bad behavior. Saying a prayer for you as you talk to your kids. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Tell her ASAP. You don't want her upset that she was not told. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
djsmom Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 I think you should be honest with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 I think you should be honest with her. :iagree::iagree: and I agree with everyone else who suggested this. Thoughts and prayers with you as you do this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted June 16, 2012 Author Share Posted June 16, 2012 As usual, you all gave great advice. I told her. The poor thing came to me crying, saying she'd just woken up from a bad dream. The dream was not about me or about her dad, but it was basically about abandonment. Ugh. I comforted her through that, and transitioned into "I think that you may be a little confused and scared because you don't know exactly where your dad is." She agreed, and so I took the opportunity to just dive in. I can't express how hard it was to see the tears roll down her little face without letting my own fall. She wasn't sobbing or anything. I could just see the hurt as I was explaining everything. She understands where he is and why he's there, and that he won't be living here when he gets out. I was as gentle as possible, but she doesn't understand why this is all happening. It's a lot for a little girl to take in. In some ways it's easier talking to her than to my 15 year old. The younger is very expressive, highly intelligent, asks questions, and in many ways very "text book" in her responses. Her older sister....well...not so much. She has a really hard time expressing herself, and she tends to hide her feelings. My heart is breaking for those girls. And while I'm really angry that I've been put in the position of having to have these conversations, I also still have compassion and empathy for the man. He's not a bad human being at his core, but he just keeps doing stupid things over and over. He's actually completely devolved since I met him all those years ago. I wish him nothing but the best, for his own sake and that of our kids, but his behavior is negatively impacting my marriage and my family and I have to distance myself. I'm tired. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Tell her. 9 can understand, even if she will be hurt. The fear of what if is hurting her now. He hasn't run off from her, he was taken. :grouphug: :iagree:I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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